The Smackdown Short Form, 12.22.06

Well, the spin is finally coming in on Representative Virgil Goode’s (Republican Traitor-Vagina) remarks about soon-to-be-Representative Keith Ellison’s (DFL-MN) decision to take his oath of office on a copy of the Qu’ran, Ellison being the first practicing Muslim elected to Congress. If you’re not following this, Goode, a vociferous opponent of illegal immigration (and who’s built his career around that issue, apparently), said, “…the Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.” The Virgil Goode Position is that illegals in this country should be prone, with law-abiding Americans beating them with any implement at hand, essentially. Although I have to agree on that with regard to Mexicans, he does have the responsibility to state it in a more diplomatic fashion, him being a politician and all.

Well, the body politic has now chimed in. I decided to go right to the source for reaction, namely the Richmond Times-Dispatch. It’s at times like these when I’m reminded that Virginia is the home state of AOL. Oh, did the mouth-breathers come out in force. Here’s some select samples of the nuggets of wisdom coming from members of the Commonwealth:

Islam is not compatible with democracy. Neither is Christianity. In fact, Christianity in its purest form is closer to Godless Communism than to democracy.

Someone has to protect our nation from being overtaken by immigrants who wish to convert the rest of us to their way of thinking. Someone has to protect our nation from being overtaken by Christians who wish to convert the rest of us to their way of thinking. I’ve seen the holocaust that’s resulted from that. Remember, I lived in Kansas for two years.

What character and bravery to say what all Americans feel. Not this American.

It is an abomination that a Muslim refuse to take the oath on the Bible. Then it would also be an abomination for a Christian to refuse to take the oath on the Qu’ran, wouldn’t it? In fact, I hope that the judge that administers the oath to Goode substitutes a copy of the Qu’ran for the Bible during the ceremony. Goode probably couldn’t tell the difference between them anyway. Or, better yet, pull out an Arabic translation of the King James (heresy in written form though it may be). Goode will probably think it’s a copy of the Qu’ran and go spaz, thus showing what an ignorant bigot he actually is, and that religion for him is nothing but a prop to get him votes from the moronic and superstitious that populate too many portions of this country.

No, I couldn’t wait until Tuesday to do this little lead, when it would get an actual audience. And, yes, to me, Christmas is just another day off during ‘Tis The Season To Drive Drunk (Dontrelle Willis, Gus Van Sant, me thinking about Bono getting an honorary knighthood when Brenda hasn’t done the same for me yet, and millions of others who get tanked taking their SleighUVs to Grandma’s House to pig out and watch football). Hey, I need one, and like John Lennon, I’m bigger than Jesus. Smackdown, therefore, is lesser than me, and they should be honored that I’m covering it. On with the show…

Match Results:

DAVE over Santa Grenier, Presumably A Non-Title Match Since Santa Isn’t Signed To A WWE Contract (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): Well, that was…I don’t know what that was. “Complete f*cking waste of time” pretty much covers any sentiment, though. And the French do have a Santa figure, High-Quality Speaker Boy: Pere Noel. Not the traditional North American Santa, of course, but Santa-esque enough to get by.

Just in case you want to mentally scar your seven-year-old for life

Our Lord and Savior over Chavito, US Title Match (DQ, Vicki-ference): No, I’m sorry. I know you went out of your way to present a good match, and it really was good, believe me, but…well, the mood’s been spoiled. No, no, it’s not you, honest. It’s just that, well, I was good and ready at Armageddon for a great match and a title change, and now I’m not. I’m just not feeling it. It’s gone for right now. Maybe at Royal Rumble it’ll be back, I dunno. But I do appreciate your effort. Really, I do. In the meantime, well, try jacking off.

At this point, is anyone blaming him for taking out his frustrations?

Johnny Nitro over Mattsy-Poo (Pinfall, backslide): Okay, let me try to figure this out. MNM aren’t back together officially, but they’re “tag team partners”. Johnny Nitro, a Raw performer, can come out and compete against a Smackdown competitor like Mattsy-Poo, and Teddy Long isn’t out there screaming. Nitro is one of three Raw performers who’ve made Smackdown appearances in the last couple of weeks (with Cena and Jeffykins being the others). They’re not even bothering to pretend anymore, are they? Methinks Burnside has a point.

I’ve always liked Johnny Nitro for some reason

Ashley Massaro and Leyla El over Jillian Hall and Kristal Marshall (Pinfall, Massaro pins Hall, Savage Elbow): How come I feel that this was an audition for someone to get moved over to Raw? Victoria and LaJames can’t do it all on their own, Beth Phoenix is still rehabbing, and they’ve got no one in the minors who’s ready. So either they get someone over from Smackdown ASAP or they really, really try to sign Nattie Neidhart fast. Hence, this match. My judgment? Hall is ready, being an actual wrestler and all, but she’s a little zaftig for Raw and she doesn’t have that quirky charisma that LaJames and Victoria do (of course, both of the latter have played psychos and done that very well). The rest of them are eye candy. Plus, there are a few other factors. If Kristal went batshit weepy because Amy Zidian insulted her hair extensions, how is she going to survive the snake pit that’s the Raw locker room?

Think they’re finally realizing that they should have never let Christy Hemme go? Think that Hemme’s finally realizing that she needs to get back to town quick in order not to be a living transition to commercials for the rest of her life? Think there’s any chance that some form of communication will be established between the two parties?

Mash one Diva Search winner into the mat, job to another. That’s the life of Jillian Hall.

The Undertaker and Kane over Booker T and Dave Fuckin’ Finlay (Pinfall, UT pins Finlay, Tombstone): So, exactly what was the purpose of this match? Quite frankly, what’s the purpose of the whole upper card on Smackdown lately? Batista’s f*cking around with…oh, I dunno. Nobody on this show, apparently, because he’s hooking up with Cena and fighting Quebecois dressed in Santa suits. Booker and Finlay are teaming up more now than when they were in a stable together, but they just fought DAVE and the abomination Cena on one hand and UT and Kane on the other. UT and Kane, meanwhile, are screwing around with FudgePacker and Porter, but they’re selling their PPV injuries. At this point, there’s no real suggestion of anything resembling a Royal Rumble title match at the primary level. Meanwhile, Benoit/Chavito Yet Again is so locked in at the secondary level (if the title’s defended at RR) that it’s suffocating the entire midcard. Apparently, Michael Hayes is sitting in an office in Stamford mourning the fact that Steph has his balls locked up in the office safe, all the while hallucinating and hearing the ghosts of various and sundry Von Erichs whispering in his ear about the good times and how much camera time he’s going to get when the WCCW DVD comes out in September. And I hope for his sake that he’s hooked up to a JD IV at the time, because there’s no way anyone can do this job sober.

I nominated both of these guys for Male Wrestler of the Year…yes, I had good reason for putting Kane in there

Angle Developments:

“Ho ho ho, and here’s that vibrating butt plug that you asked for, little boy!”

These two deserve each other

For that matter, so do these two

Before making a comparison to any kind of raw meat, please consult me, the expert on that subject. As an expert, I will tell you the analogy here is flawed. Raw meat of any sort looks a helluva lot better than this.

Okay, that clears the show parts up. Now on to the other stuff I have to do. If you’re going to skip those because you’re a retard, I’ll see you Tuesday. Happy f*cking holidays.