Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
And Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate that, Happy Hanukkah to all of you who celebrate that, and Happy Kwanzaa to all of you who celebrate that. As for the rest of you, have a Happy Secular Monday.
Stay tuned for next week’s edition of The Saturday Swindle Sheet, which will feature our top ten guilty pleasures of 2006.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
The Doors, The Grateful Dead, Booker T. & the MG’s, Joan Baez, Maria Callas, Bob Wills, and Ornette Coleman are all scheduled to receive honorary lifetime achievement Grammy Awards at next year’s ceremony on Feb. 11. Expect Kanye West to storm the stage and say that since he didn’t receive an honorary lifetime achievement award, the Grammy Awards “have lost all credibility,” thus spawning one the best shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments in history.
In other Grammy news, the Recording Company and CBS are holding a contest to find an amateur singer to perform a duet with Justin Timberlake at the ceremony. Contestants must submit a 60-second video showing their vocal skill, and Timberlake and the panel will select 12 people, who will then have their performances posted on a special Web site, to be voted upon by fans. Three finalists will be selected and announced during the Super Bowl halftime show, and they will be in attendance at the Grammys, where Timberlake will select one person to join him onstage. The songs to be used for the audition, one of which will be sung during the Grammy performance, and all of which are Grammy-winning records, include: “What’s Love Got to Do With It”, by Tina Turner; “Respect”, by Aretha Franklin; “Vision of Love”, by Mariah Carey; Cry Me a River”, by Justin Timberlake; “Breathe”, by Faith Hill; “If I Ain’t Got You”, by Alicia Keys; “Dance With My Father”, by Luther Vandross; “Come to My Window”, by Melissa Etheridge; and “Breastfeeding Jim J. Bullock’s Toenail Collection”, by Anal Cunt. I may have gotten one or two of those wrong, but you get the idea.
U2 singer Bono will be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II sometime next year, but since he is an Irish national, he will not acquire the title of “Sir”, which is only given to British nationals. British Prime Minister Tony Blair congratulated and thanked him for all of the charity work he’s done over the years to benefit the Third World, including the work he did with Bob Geldof in organizing the Live 8 event in 2005.
Former Replacements singer/solo artist Paul Westerberg will reportedly be unable to play guitar for over a year after accidentally stabbing himself in his left hand, according to a close friend. Westerberg was using a screwdriver to get some wax out of a candle and ended up driving it through his hand, severely damaging some nerves and cartilage.
Former Procol Harum organist Matthew Fisher was awarded 40 percent of the copyright to the band’s 1967 hit, “A Whiter Shade of Pale”, by a British court earlier in the week. The judge ruled that the organ elementâ€â€which starts as a solo and then plays throughout the track‗is a distinctive and significant contribution to the overall composition and quite obviously the product of skill and labor on the part of the person who created it.” Procol Harum lead singer Gary Brooker, who still tours with an updated lineup of the band, said that he plans to appeal the decision, as such a ruling would mean that any musician who’s played on any track in the past 40 years could claim ownership to a song. “It is effectively open season on the songwriter,” he told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “It will mean that unless all musicians’ parts are [specifically] written for them, no publisher or songwriter will be able to risk making a recording for fear of a possible claim of songwriting credit. It also means that with less income than we were making before, we’ll have to play twelve more county fairs each summer.”
After Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert started a tongue-in-cheek war of words with The Decemberists for ripping off his “Green Screen Challenge” idea, the band challenged him to a guitar duel, which was featured on Wednesday night’s show. The band’s guitarist Chris Funk represented them, while Colbert represented himself. After faking a cut on his hand, he called for stand-in, who just so happened to be Peter Frampton. After the duel was over, Henry Kissinger, who was one of the judges in a panel that included Eliot Spitzer and Anthony DeCurtis, proclaimed that “Tonight, I think the American people won.” Colbert then explained that since he is “the voice of the people”, that he was the winner. And no, I did not make up any part of this story.
Bee Gees singer Barry Gibb recently announced that he bought a lakefront house in Nashville, Tenn., that was previously owned by the late Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash. Gibb told reporters that since living at the house, he has been inspired by Cash to start recording a country album while living at the house. Well, I guess it could be worse… imagine if Fred Durst bought the house…
Fans of Avenged Sevenfold are getting their hoodies in a bunch after seeing the new Fall Out Boy video for “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”, which features guitarist Joe Trohman doing a guitar solo on top of a casket. Apparently, they’re upset because they allege Fall Out Boy aped the scene from the Avenged Sevenfold video for “Seize the Day”, which also features a guitar solo on top of a casket. Of course, the fact of the matter is that they both ripped off Guns N’ Roses, and they both suck.
Squashing recent rumors, Styles P told reporters that his D-Block/The L.O.X. comrade, Jadakiss, was not planning on signing with Cash Money Records. After hearing this, the Big Tymers started sobbing profusely, and have not stopped yet.
The Cure have signed on to headline day one of the ninth annual Ultra Music Festival. Other performers confirmed for the two-day eventâ€â€taking place in Miami on March 23-24â€â€include Paul van Dyk (headlining day two), DJ Tiësto, Carl Cox, Deep Dish, Richie Hawtin, Danny Tenaglia, Miss Kittin, Ferry Corsten, Junkie XL, and Erick Morillo.
P.O.D. reunited with former guitarist Marcos Curiel after having fired him in 2003. The band will perform for the first time with Curiel during a broadcast of Jimmy Kimmel Live on New Year’s Eve. Prediction: In the middle of the set, Curiel will throw down his guitar, and fire the entire band, saying, “Ha! How does it feel, bitches?!” He’ll then say he was just kidding, pick up his guitar, and the band will finish their song. After the song is over, Kanye West will storm the stage and say that he copyrighted acting like a dick, and will sue Marcos Curiel for $25 million. You heard it here first.
Two giant eyeball stage props used by Pink Floyd during a tour to promote their Pulse DVD fetched £16,500 (approx. $32,290) on eBay, and the money was in turn donated to British homeless charity Crisis, of which singer Dave Gilmour is vice-president. Boy, the dollar sure has taken a shit, hasn’t it?
The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain From Harlem‘s longtime (and at times estranged) girlfriend Kim Porter gave birth to twin girls on Thursday morning. Since it is Christmas weekend and all, I’ll limit my Diddy hating to the previous sentence, and congratulate… Hey! The Sebadoh is reuniting!
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Axl Rose recently announced that Guns N’ Roses‘ Chinese Democracy will not be released this year as he had said earlier in the year. Instead, he’s saying that the album will be released March 6. If you believe that it will be out next year or are even slightly considering believing him this time around, please stop it. I have been saying for the past two years now that Chinese Democracy will not be released until 2025, and that your kids will love it. Please accept that. At this juncture, it appears as if democracy in China will actually take place before this album gets released. Plus, he never actually said March 6 of 2007, so we should expect a March 6, 2025 release.
Cheers
-JF2k6!
