The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, December 21, 2006
– My apologies for the late recap, but I became deathly ill and then a little thing called Christmas got in the way. I hope everyone had a good one. I did… spent a couple nights at the old parents’ place with the traditional drunken Christmas Eve viewings of It’s A Wonderful Life & A Christmas Carol (the 1951 version with Alistair Sims, of course) and got some good gifts including the Rise Of The Witch-King Expansion Pack for Lord Of The Rings: Battle For Middle-Earth II. Awesome game if you’re into that sort of thing. Funny story: my mom gave me the WWE Vengeance ’04 DVD because I had asked for V For Vendetta, but accidentally wrote V For Vengeance on my list. Oddly enough, she ended up giving my dad V For Vendetta even though he didn’t want it. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
– We begin with a video recap of Kurt Angle’s mental breakdown last week to plug tonight’s tag team main event, followed by a recap of the Christian/Sting/Abyss triangle with the James Earl Jones soundalike wondering what kind of “mind control” Sting has over Abyss.
– Kazarian vs. Sting
Sting has the NWA World Title belt he stole from Abyss last week while Don West is already back on commentary this week with Mike Tenay; I understand that he can still talk with an injured ankle, but it wouldn’t have hurt to keep him off a few more shows to sell the psychological trauma of what happened last week. Johnny Devine & Maverick Matt accompany Kazarian and they all try to attack Sting with kendo sticks, but the Stinger cleans house and unloads on Kazarian before setting him up for the Stinger Splash. However, Bentley grabs Sting’s leg from ringside and allows Kazarian to connect with a nice kick to the face. Unfortunately Kazarian decides to stand around instead of capitalizing and Bentley hops up on the apron to talk to him, but Sting dropkicks Kazarian into Bentley and back-bodydrops Devine when he runs in. Great way to kill off Serotonin after weeks of cool vignettes to build them up, as Sting plants Kazarian with the Scorpion Deathdrop for the three-count. You know, if this group were taken seriously and Raven got more involved, an angle involving Sting could be pretty cool. I could actually see Abyss & James Mitchell working with Serotonin as sort of a “Ministry Of Darkness” type faction.
Afterwards, Sting is out of breath as he offers to return the NWA Championship belt in exchange for another title shot and gives Abyss until the end of the show to respond, but warns him not to bring Mitchell as we go to the usual Impact opening. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a match before the opening montage.
– Petey Williams, Sonjay Dutt, & Jay Lethal are wearing Santa hats and throwing gifts into the crowd during the opening pyro while West explains that he suffered a “severe ankle sprain” and developed a new respect because he had never experienced so much pain as he did last week. I guess that makes him like, the toughest guy on the roster or something for him to be back at work only one week later.
– Jeremy Borash interviews Rhino, who threatens to break AJ Styles’ legs tonight and warns Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe to keep their problems to themselves before storming off. Angle walks up to JB and promises to give Joe every reason to grant him a one-on-one rematch during their tag bout.
– In the ring, Raven canes Kazarian for losing his match while Devine & Matt watch.
– JB interviews Eric Young, who is carrying the “woman’s leg in fishnet stockings and high heels” lamp from A Christmas Story as he brags about winning the Bikini Contest at Turning Point and refuses to grant Ms. Brooks a rematch. Showtime strokes the lamp and notes that it’s a present for Santa Claus as JB finds the stroking a bit creepy and they both get a bit distracted when they look up the lampshade as if they were really looking up a woman’s skirt. Funny stuff. Team 3D arrive on the scene and advise Eric to leave as Brother Ray explains that they’ve been battling in Japan, but they haven’t forgotten what the Naturals did to them before they left. Ray promises they’ll only need three minutes to end the Naturals’ “15 minutes of fame” and Brother Devon testifies.
– Tables Match: The Naturals vs. Team 3D
We see clips from last month’s Tables match of the Naturals slamming Devon through a table to set up this rematch, which starts when Andy Douglas & Chase Stevens attack Ray & Devon during their prematch posing routine and pound away until Ray levels both men with a dual-clothesline from behind. Team 3D stack the Naturals in the corner and take turns avalanching them before dropping Chase with the back-suplex/neckbreaker double-team and hitting the “Whazzup” headbutt on Andy. Stevens receives the 3D and the match ends when Ray superbombs Douglas through a table while Shane Douglas shakes his head at ringside. Afterwards, the Franchise officially ends his experiment with the Naturals as they are apparently finished with TNA. I think Chase might have some potential if he could develop a personality, but Andy never did anything for me. I’d like to see Shane continue as a manager, but he needs to wear a suit or something rather than just a t-shirt and pants. He looks like a high-school gym teacher trying to relive his high-school football glory days.
– JB is outside Samoa Joe’s dressing room when Tomko stops by to ask JB where the production truck is because he’s got a DVD that Sting & Abyss will be interested to see later.
– Ron Killings performs a Holiday Rap in the ring while Lance Hoyt dances (?!) and Sonjay, Petey, & Lethal hand out presents. If there really is a “War on Christmas” like the Religious Right claims, I’d say Truth’s rapping and Lance’s dancing could be considered WMD.
– Event #3 in the Paparazzi Championship Series is a Pogo Contest. Oh good, I was afraid it would be a farting contest because at the end of last week’s extended PCS video on YouTube, Kevin Nash said the next round would determine the X Division’s “most explosive” star. Anyway, first we are treated to Tiny (VKM’s fat naked guy in a thong) demonstrating his pogo skills before Nash slaps him on the ass on the way out. Senshi refuses to participate as Nash notes he must be happy with that one point and Austin Starr does it one-handed. Jay Lethal wants a timeout, but Nash says there are no mulligans and namedrops Blackjack Mulligan. It’s Alex Shelley’s turn next and Lethal refers to him as “Mr. Chlymidia”, but Alex hilariously points out how inspirational it would be if someone with chlymidia were to win the competition. The final competitor “from the Island of Anabolic” is Sonjay Dutt and he does a great job on the pogo stick, but the other participants complain he has springs on the bottom of his boots; however, Nash explains they’re authorized by Bob Backlund and calls Sonjay “gashead” as he declares him the winner and wonders how he’d look in stirrups. So after three events, the PCS standings show Starr in 1st place with 10 points, Dutt/Lethal/Senshi all tied with 9 points, and Shelley in 5th with 8 points. Poor Alex.
– In the ring, an anorexic Santa Claus portrayed by Brother Runt throws TNA DVDs out to the fans until LAX come out and interrupt him. Konnan brags about their win last week despite being locked in a cage at ringside and declares that LAX will knock back every gringo Jim Cornette sends at them before ranting about how they grew up poor and their parents had to work even on the holidays, so Christmas means nothing to them. In a funny bit, Konnan even has a beef with Santa since he’s still waiting on a Miami Dolphins jersey he asked for “back in the day” and West notes that K-Dawg holds a grudge against everybody. Konnan tells Santa and all the other gringos to go to hell so Runt Claus tells him to shut his mouth and throws fists, but Homicide beats him down with his own sack and Hernandez launches him with the Border Toss. Eric Young (with lamp), Lethal, Dutt, Petey, Truth, & Hoyt finally rush out to chase them off. I’m a mark for holiday-themed angles (hell I even dug Xanta Klaus) so I liked this.
– The Voodoo Kin Mafia are on their way to a WWE RAW house show in Knoxville, TN, and protest outside the arena. They only filmed this like, what, three weeks ago? Way to stay current. It’s especially lame now that DX seems to have cut back on the juvenile humor. TNA, cut your losses and spend the million dollars on something that might actually help your company, like a major advertising campaign or signing Chris Jericho, Brock Lesnar, or even Goldberg.
– JB is still outside Samoa Joe’s dressing room to interview AJ Styles, who calls Rhino a “sore loser” and says the War Machine has nobody to blame but himself because he stuck his nose in AJ’s business. Styles states that he doesn’t trust Joe as the Samoan Submission Machine emerges from the room and AJ walks away. Joe notes that if AJ is worried about trust, he’s in the wrong business, and vows to make Kurt Angle wish that he never asked for a rematch. Good segment to show that AJ & Joe aren’t willing partners, especially considering their history together.
– A video package chronicles the rise and fall of America’s Most Wanted before we go to a sitdown interview with James Storm conducted by Mike Tenay earlier today. The Cowboy explains that Chris Harris always thinks for himself and was a “primadonna drama queen” born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but adds that AMW isn’t over until he looks the Wildcat in the eye (“Get it, in the eye?”) and tells him what he thinks of him.
– NWA World Champion Abyss lumbers down to the ring alone, so Sting comes out with the NWA Title belt and a baseball bat but lays the bat on the mat to show he means no harm. Sting tells Abyss he has the potential to be a great World Champion if he can forget his past and focus on the future as he repeats his offer to exchange the belt for a rematch, but before Abyss can accept the Hand of Friendship, the ImpacTron lights up with Tomko’s DVD from earlier. It features Christian Cage outside a prison as he reminds Abyss that he can’t escape his past and Tenay deduces that Abyss must have spent time in jail. No wonder they call him the Professor. Sting implores Abyss to ignore Christian and change his future by shaking the hand, but the Monster grips him by the throat instead. Poor naive Sting, when will he ever learn? The Stinger fights out of the Monster’s grasp and double-legs him, but TNA Security rush in and pull them apart as Tomko strolls down the ramp to distract Abyss. Meanwhile, Christian removes a ballcap to reveal himself as a member of TNA Security (man, is this guy the master of disguise or what?!) and attacks Sting with the baseball bat before wiping out the other Security dudes and knocking Abyss out of the ring with the bat. James Mitchell comes out to control Abyss while Cage & Tomko assault Sting with a nightstick, but Abyss runs in with the baseball bat and makes the save. Abyss hands the bat to Sting and Mitchell yells at his Monster for helping the Stinger. I know it’s freaking everybody’s bean that Abyss is flip-flopping between heel and face, but I’ve always liked the “shades of grey” booking and I’m intrigued to see where they go from here. It’s really fleshing out Abyss’ character rather than him just being a big scary guy in a mask, which can only get you so far.
– I got the 3rd Degree Burns CD of TNA entrance music for Christmas, but I really can’t recommend it unless you’re a huge TNA mark or you really like TNA’s theme songs. I still can’t believe they don’t have LAX’s theme on here, it blows my mind since that could have been a big selling point. Oh well.
– AJ Styles & Samoa Joe vs. Rhino & Kurt Angle
TOTAL NONSTOP ENTRANCES, as everybody gets their own entrance and West admits that he can’t take Angle’s attack on him personally because Kurt is a man on a mission. So not only is Don the toughest guy in the company, he’s also the most forgiving. He’s like Jesus or something. Joe & Angle and Rhino & Styles pair off as they brawl around ringside with Rhino crotching AJ on the guardrail and Kurt slamming Joe’s head on the announce table. Rhino punches away on AJ in the crowd and Angle whips Joe into the railing, but Joe & AJ both fight back as we go to break. When we come back, Rhino spinebusters Styles in the ring and makes the tag as Joe runs in and Angle pops off a release German suplex. Angle dumps Styles on his face with a standing release German and clotheslines Joe over the top rope before PULLING DOWN THE STRAPS and hooking AJ in the anklelock, but Joe breaks it with an enzuigiri. Rhino pounds Joe and spears him in the corner, then slugs it out with AJ and decks him with a flying clothesline off the ropes. Rhino slams Joe with the belly-to-belly and charges with the Gore, but Joe catches him with a kick to the face and tries to apply the Kokina Clutch. However, Angle breaks it by planting Joe with the Olympic Slam and rolls out to the floor with him while Styles rolls up Rhino with a handful of trunks for the 1-2-3. Afterwards, Rhino brawls with Styles through the crowd while Joe limps into the ring and Angle follows as he pulls down the straps again. Joe fires off an enzuigiri, but Angle blocks it and cinches in the grapevine anklelock on the mat as Tenay wonders if this will convince Joe to accept the challenge and West screams that Angle will stop at nothing to get his rematch.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the program.
Afterthoughts: Well, I lied. I really was sick and Christmas really did interfere with it, but another reason this recap is so late is because this show wasn’t that great. It wasn’t bad either though. It was just kinda there. A bare minimum of wrestling didn’t help matters, especially with the main event… it should have been given 10-15 minutes after entrances and could have told the story of Angle trying to earn his rematch by beating Joe in a tag match, but it was rushed and really wasn’t a match at all. I’d say they should hold off on Joe/Angle III until Bound For Glory ’07 instead of squeezing every last drop of marketability out of it already, but if they have to do it now they should have done that “All-Star War” from a couple weeks ago on this show instead, hyped it up, and given it more time with Kurt pinning Joe in the end with the sneaky Olympic Slam like they did. Then it gives Joe a reason to accept the rematch and it makes some sense, plus it gives Kurt another win over Joe to soothe his ego so that Joe can go over again at Final Resolution. Other than that, I might be the only one but I’m still digging the Sting/Abyss/Christian stuff and I guess the LAX attack on Runt is setting up a feud with Team 3D, which should be interesting. Russo is doing some good here with character development, but they really need a Jim Cornette or Paul Heyman to edit his booking and add their own ideas. I’m just not enjoying the shows on a regular basis like I was, but then again the ratings have gone up to a 1.2 last week and 1.1 this week, so maybe it’s working with the more casual fan. I guess time will tell.
