The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, December 28, 2006
– We begin with a video recap of LAX beating down Runt Claus last week and the James Earl Jones soundalike hyping the next chapter in the Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe saga before we see Jeremy Borash backstage at the Impact Zone as he sneaks into Jim Cornette’s office during a heated discussion with Angle. Kurt demands his rematch, but Cornette complains about the decisions he has to make regarding the NWA World Heavyweight Championship and notes that Kurt is up for a lot of awards tonight as he asks the Olympian not to interrupt the program. Angle agrees, but promises to get his rematch one way or another as we go to the Impact opening.
– Chris Sabin & James Storm vs. Petey Williams & Christopher Daniels
Storm has new entrance music and new trunks, both of which I like, but still wears his AMW trenchcoat. Petey’s non-title win over Daniels a couple weeks ago is completely forgotten, much to my dismay, as Williams & Sabin go through some quick chain-wrestling before Petey hits a dropkick and tags the X Division Champion. Sabin scurries away and tags Storm, who shoulderblocks Daniels down a few times until the Fallen Angel hiptosses him and connects with a heelkick. Daniels hiptosses Sabin when he runs in and then armdrags Storm into an armbar, but Storm powers out and makes the tag as Sabin cranks on Daniels’ neck and scores a two-count after a seated dropkick to the back of the neck. Daniels armdrags out of a Cradle Shock attempt and catches Sabin with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before both men crawl to their corners and make the tags as Petey slingshots in with a chestcracker on Storm and levels Sabin with a spinning heelkick. Petey bulldogs Storm on top of Sabin in a nice spot and drops the Cowboy with the Canadian legsweep as he signals for the Canadian Destroyer, but Sabin cracks him with an enzuigiri and retrieves a chair labeled “VKM”. However, Jerry Lynn appears at ringside to stop him from using the chair and Daniels knocks Sabin to the floor before wiping out both Sabin & Lynn with a suicide dive through the ropes. Petey goes for the Destroyer on the Cowboy in the ring, but Storm escapes and waffles Williams with the chair for the 1-2-3. Afterwards at ringside, Lynn tries to keep Daniels & Sabin separated but ends up pulling his shirt off and fighting both of them while Mike Tenay refers to the three-way as the past, present, and future of the X Division. Damn, Jerry’s in awesome shape and that match should kick ass.
– Samoa Joe hobbles down some stairs backstage on crutches with a hot chick by his side. Fuck that’s a sweet piece of ass, good work Joe.
– JB interviews Abyss with James Mitchell and asks who’s side the Monster is on, but Mitchell has been wondering the same thing and threatens to reveal Abyss’ secret if he doesn’t destroy Sting in the Nightstick On A Pole three-way tonight. Mitchell hints at the secret as he notes that Christian & Tomko may know the result of what happened in the NWA World Champion’s past, but he knows the cause and warns Abyss that he knows “where the bodies are buried”. I assume he’s speaking figuratively.
– Leticia interviews Samoa Joe, who denies that he has an injury (I guess the crutches are for decorative purposes) and refuses to be beaten no matter how much Angle cranks on his leg. Joe recalls that despite his 18-month undefeated streak and a non-title win over the NWA Champion, he never received a title shot and states that he’s moved on from Angle as he advises Kurt to “get over it”.
– Team 3D come out to the ring to talk as Ray surmises that since they ran the Naturals out of TNA last week and VKM are busy feuding with VKM, the only other team left is LAX. How sad is that? Two months ago, TNA had the deepest Tag Team Division in years and now they’re reduced to this. Still wearing the Santa suit from last week, Brother Runt walks out to interrupt his “long-lost brothers” and asks where they were last week when LAX assaulted him, but Ray points out that they warned Runt to stay out of trouble a few months ago and instead he picked a fight with Abyss. OH MY GOD, history and continuity on a wrestling show! Runt becomes agitated as he refuses to apologize for fighting for a living and not backing down from anyone, but Devon & Ray sniff him and wonder if he’s been drinking again. Sure enough, Runt produces a mickey of what looks like Beefeater’s gin (I have some dysfunctional holiday-themed stories involving good ol’ Beefeater myself) as he spits it in Ray’s face and punches Devon. Ray destroys Runt with a clothesline and demands a table as Don West claims they’re using “tough love” on the little guy, but Devon refuses so Ray retrieves the table himself. However, LAX storm the ring and attack 3D as TNA Security rush out to pull the teams apart and we go to break. When we come back, Runt unloads with chairshots on Homicide, Hernandez, & TNA Security members before they lay out Homicide on the table and Ray superbombs Runt onto the Notorious 187 to put him through the table. I loved this segment for the interaction between the former Dudleys, as the concept is that they can fight each other but if anybody else gets involved, they band together as a family unit. I also liked the character development for Runt since the drinking angle fits the character perfectly as he’s a tough little bastard with a deathwish, which explains why he always picks fights he can’t win. I hope he keeps wearing the Santa pants too.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, it’s time for Event #4 in the Paparazzi Championship Series: a Limbo Contest under “Bob Backlund Standards with a Lanny Poffo Pole”. Austin Starr is up first and hands his sunglasses to Kevin Nash, who puts them on and shouts “CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!” in a f*cking hilarious reprisal of Will Ferrell’s Harry Caray impression. Everybody chants “Juice” when it’s Sonjay Dutt’s turn, and Nash encourages Jay Lethal to “do it for us” (“you know, us… the black guys”) when it’s his turn as Alex Shelley gives a “Soul Power” salute. Wow, racially-based humor that’s actually funny and not just offensively stupid, what a concept. Lethal & Shelley both do well and Senshi jumps over the pole, but everybody complains and Nash points out that “Leaping Limbo” is allowed. I can’t believe he namedropped Lanny Poffo earlier and missed the obvious “Leaping Lanny” connection there. Since Alex & Jay are apparently tied in the lead, Nash proposes a “Backlund Boboff” as they must hold hands “sophomore-in-high-school-going-steady style” and limbo at the same time, but Shelley falls so Lethal wins and Nash invites everyone to kiss the winner again. I love Big Kev’s random raging gayness. After four events, the PCS standings show Lethal in 1st with 14 points, Starr in 2nd with 13 points, Shelley up to 3rd with 12 points, Senshi in 4th with 11 points, and Dutt in the basement with 10 points.
– Leticia interviews Christian Cage, who teases her about standing next to “perfection” and suggests James Mitchell’s comments earlier confirmed that Abyss & Sting have a conspiracy to keep him from becoming the NWA World Champion. Cage states that if Sting & Abyss plan to turn tonight’s three-way into a handicap match, he has that “problem solved” with Tomko and declares that Jim Cornette will have no choice but to give him the one-on-one title shot at Final Resolution.
– Voodoo Kin Mafia are on location outside the WWE RAW house show in Knoxville, TN. Nothing too awful here, with a couple of funny spots even: BG’s “LLLLLLLET’S GET READY TO MUTTON CHOP!” HHH parody and Kip making an escape when a woman in the crowd inferred that he might have fathered her son during one of his visits to Nashville. Still a waste of time and even more pointless since DX haven’t done any of the stupid skits they’re talking about for a while now.
– Robert Roode vs. Lance Hoyt
During Roode’s entrance, we see Ms. Brooks backstage as she forces Eric Young into the men’s room and follows him in. Word of advice if you ever find yourself in this situation – use the handicap stall, it’s got the most room and sometimes even has its own sink so it’s easier to wash up afterwards. Hey, I’m just saying. Ron Killings comes out with Hoyt and joins West & “Mike Tenizzle Fo’ Shizzle” on commentary to list off his New Year’s Resolutions: stop smoking, win the NWA Title for the third time, and become a Hollywood movie star. Lofty goals indeed. Meanwhile, Lance back-bodydrops Roode and grips him by the throat, but Roode breaks it and chopblocks Hoyt’s knee as he works over the big man’s leg and goes to the top turnbuckle. However, Lance catches him in a chokeslam and climbs up for a moonsault as Ms. Brooks bounces down the ramp and West wonders if Truth will be able to quit smoking even after sex. Traci fondles Lance’s leg and distracts him long enough for Roode to scamper up and bring Hoyt down with a release German superplex for the three-count. It’s nice to see them doing something with Truth and the Hollywood angle opens up some possibilities, such as a heel turn or even some mainstream attention if it turns out to be true.
– Backstage, JB finds a dissheveled Eric Young sitting on the floor in the bathroom with lipstick all over his face and asks where Ms. Brooks is. SHE WAS JUST IN THE RING, YOU IDIOT. Eric pops out of his trance and says he feels different as he reveals his New Year’s Resolution: “I’m about to lose control… and I think I like it.” Great delivery, I laughed out loud, and it’s about time Eric does something other than worry about being fired.
– Nightstick On A Pole: Christian Cage vs. Sting vs. Abyss
I think these “_____ On A Pole” matches must be an inside joke from Russo to the internet fans, but at least it almost makes sense since Christian used a nightstick to attack Sting & Abyss last week. This is non-title with the result apparently influencing Jim Cornette’s decision regarding the NWA World Title match at Final Resolution as the winner will be the first man to use the nightstick. Wouldn’t it be more logical to have Christian vs. Sting in a #1 Contender’s match at the PPV, while Abyss defends against Joe and retains the belt due to Angle interfering to set up Joe/Angle III at the February PPV? Eh, what do I know. Anyway, Cage scrambles up immediately to get the nightstick, but Abyss slams him down to the mat and he gets double-teamed by Abyss & Sting as Sting hits the Stinger Splash and whips Cage to the opposite corner for an avalanche from Abyss. Sting starts to apply the Scorpion Deathlock, but releases Cage so he can stop Abyss from retrieving the nightstick and they punch Christian. Cage drop-toeholds Abyss through the ropes and Sting attempts the Scorpion again, but Cage rakes the eyes to prevent it and stomps away. Christian bodyslams Sting and drops a headbutt (nice addition to the moveset) before climbing up, but Sting superplexes him down and Abyss climbs up while they’re both laid out. However, Tomko drags Abyss out to the floor and hurls him into the guardrail while Sting climbs up, but Tomko presses Sting off the turnbuckles and drops him into an impressive fallaway slam. Tomko tries to retrieve the nightstick from the pole, but Sting catapults Christian into his Problem Solver and Tomko crashes all the way down to the floor while the nightstick falls into the ring and Sting picks it up. Christian tries to run away, but Sting hits Cage with the nightstick to win the match. Afterwards, Tomko blindsides Sting and holds him for Cage, but Abyss makes the save and clears the heels out of the ring. Sting hands the nightstick over to Abyss and walks out as Mitchell scolds the NWA World Champion for helping the Stinger.
– A video package airs on the Rhino/AJ Styles feud with AJ noting that if he wanted somebody to tell him what to do, he’d call his mother… and he doesn’t like talking to her either. WHAT A HEEL. Rhino goes all Mike Tyson on us by promising to rip out AJ’s liver and feed it to his kids as he vows to be the Last Man Standing at Final Resolution, but Styles claims he’s faster, smarter, and more Phenomenal. I didn’t see the Last Man Standing stipulation coming, but that should make for a pretty good match at the PPV.
– And now for the 2006 TNA Year-End Awards, with my votes in brackets after the actual winners. The Phenomenal Angels are the Tag Team of the Year (mine was LAX), Joe/Angle as Feud of the Year (LAX/Angels), Ultimate [LA]X for Match of the Year (Six Sides of Steel at Bound For Glory), Christy Hemme for Knockout of the Year (Gail Kim), Eric Young as Most Inspirational (don’t even remember the category), the Angle announcement at No Surrender as Most Memorable Moment (same), Samoa Joe as X Division Star (sure), Canadian Destroyer for Finisher of the Year (Gringo Killa), and Kurt Angle for “Who To Watch In 2007” (I think I picked Joe).
– Mike Tenay is in the ring with Jim Cornette to announce the Mr. TNA 2006 winner, but first Cornette announces that we will see Abyss defending the NWA Championship in an Elimination three-way against Sting & Christian at Final Resolution. Doesn’t really make sense after the stupid Nightstick On A Pole match, but it should be interesting. The nominees for Mr. TNA 2006 are AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett (his name still gets booed!), Sting, & Samoa Joe, but the winner is… JOE JOE JOE JOE. Joe gets a kiss and hug from his woman backstage and West recaps his great year against Styles & Daniels, Scott Steiner, Jarrett, & Angle as Joe hobbles out to the ring to accept the giant trophy (let’s see Shannon Moore try to steal THAT!) and states that Angle is yesterday’s news. Of course, Angle interrupts him by dragging Mrs. Joe out on the stage and actually gets in a good line as he says he found Joe’s “other trophy” and threatens to break her ankle if Joe doesn’t grant him a rematch. Joe points out what a coward Kurt is for attacking a woman when Joe himself is 10 feet away on crutches, but Angle anklelocks her and Joe agrees to give him the rematch. Angle releases the woman and claims it isn’t personal, but then decides it is personal after all and snaps her ankle as Joe limps out of the ring and up the ramp to tend to his lady.
– In a nice touch, a really good music video package recaps the past year of TNA PPVs to end the final Impact of 2006.
Afterthoughts: An improvement over last week, but as usual the matches were nothing to write home about and the show just isn’t grabbing me like it used to. At least they set up some interesting angles with the midcard guys like Eric Young, Truth, & Runt and the PPV should be pretty damn good, which is the major thing keeping me around. If their PPVs sucked and they didn’t have characters I’m still interested in, I wouldn’t be watching anymore. I don’t like the way they set up Joe/Angle III since we’ve never seen Joe’s girlfriend before, nor was her existence even hinted at previously, and thus have absolutely zero emotional attachment to her so it kinda came out of nowhere. I could rationalize it by pointing out the story arc of Joe/Angle starting out as pure competition and now developing into a deeply personal issue, but that might be giving it too much credit. I wouldn’t mind seeing Joe choke out Angle’s wife in retaliation though. Anyway, thanks for reading and encouraging me this year as I’ve enjoyed recapping more than I thought I would and I appreciate all of the feedback I’ve received. I hope you all had a great 2006 and I wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now go out and get f*cked up, you bastards.
