Iran vows to humiliate US – cnn.com teaser
Impossible. We’ve already had to witness a season of Oakland Raiders games.
Ah, ’tis only the third day of the year, yet we’ve already learned some important lessons in 2007 that will help us guide our lives. Shall I present what I’ve already learned this year to you, so that you may be enlightened? Certainly I will.
1) The Statue of Liberty can be relocated to Boise without any difficulty: Congrats to Boise State for pulling off an undefeated season. And let us hope that, after next week, you’re the only ones. Incredible work neutering the Oklahomos. I’m saying this not out of hatred for anything Sooner (other than their habit in that state of electing the biggest religious yahoos to Congress that have ever been seen), but because I spent nearly three years in Nebraska and Kansas and I’m f*cking sick of the Big 12.
2) If a person is considering retirement, do not give him a gift in advance. Only do so when you know for certain.: Shame on you, Bears. Shame, shame, shame.
And speaking of that game, Memo To Gregg Easterbrook: What we wanted by booing Gross-out was simple. It was the f*cking FudgePackers in the house. There was a perfect division record on the line. There was a perfect conference record on the line. WE WANTED A FUCKING WIN, ASSHOLE!
3) The uncomfortable silence behind Bobby Knight’s record-breaking victory was a dress rehearsal for Barry Bonds later this year: And you just know that the sports scribes are already working up their analogies for that moment.
4) If you’d only held off a week, you could have given your loved one that Video iPod pre-loaded with Saddam’s execution: Because nothing says “holiday season” like a good hanging.
5) If you’re an alien from the future and you want to take over someone’s name and life, the best parting gift you can give the guy is a nice big, long kiss on the mouth. With tongue.: And now we know the reason for the timing of John Barrowman’s recent marriage to his longtime boyfriend. Marriage would have been the only thing to stop the inevitable “But I only play a man-whore on TV, honest!” argument after the BF caught that scene. Barrowman was enjoying himself waaaaaay too much.
5a) If you’re a spinoff from a popular television series that’s trying to get a renewal, make sure that your season closer is better than the other spinoff from the same series that’s broadcasting the same night: Sucks to be you, Torchwood. Sarah Jane blew you out of the water.
6) My birthday pretty much bisects that of Steve Austin and the Vicar of Dibley: Gerry Grainger is two weeks older than I am, while Wife-Beater is three weeks younger. I’m sure there’s some kind of symbolic message in this, but I’m not sure what it is.
I couldn’t figure out a good remark regarding the two-day, two-altar experience of Richard Armitage’s TV characters (getting cold-cocked at the altar by Lucy Griffiths on one show, getting successfully hitched to Dawn French on the second), so I’ll only state that if I ever got married, I’d want Daleks for bridesmaids too.
7) “There’s going to be no problems with the new server. It’ll only take a couple of hours.” has become the new “I won’t cum in your mouth”: As anyone who’s tried to connect to the site over the past few days knows. But that’s done now and Auld Bloggie is back. However, it was delayed in sufficent fashion for me to put the ECW Short Form in here.
And that is what you should know.
THE PIMP SECTION
Thanks to the server outage, there is nothing but the Top 50. There would be nothing but the Top 50 if there wasn’t a server outage, though. So go read it.
By the way, in case you’re wondering about the punctuation munges that you see in the Top 50 and in many other articles here, it’s due to the fact that many people here use MS Word to write their pieces (which I do not, since I do not need spell check or grammar check). Word adds extra formatting codes to certain pieces of punctuation. We (“we” in this case meaning Daniels) had designed Archway, our magical submission system, to edit those out. However, due to the server switch, we lost the automagical formatting system, and the Top 50 parts 1 and 2 were submitted during our “work out the kinks” period.
There. Now you can brag that you claim to know something of the Inside of Inside Pulse, you saddos.
AS USUAL, BRENDA SKIPS ME, THE BITCH
The New Years’ Honours List is always a fun time for me. Of course, I anticipate receiving what I deserve, conveniently forgetting that I’m American and can’t receive anything. The old bat’s going to pay one of these days.
But who did get honoured? Glad you asked.
George Shearing, Knighthood: Well-deserved honor for one of the greatest jazz pianists ever. Bravo.
Penelope Keith, CBE: The great comic actress gets a match for her OBE.
Rod Stewart, CBE: An honour is definitely something to make people think you’re sexy. He’ll wear it well, I have reason to believe.
Hugh Laurie, OBE: From House to Buck House.
Ian Woosnam, OBE: He now has more honours than majors.
Steven Gerrard, MBE: Well, at least Chelsea hasn’t bought him out yet.
John Grey, MBE: He’s the head shoeshiner for Virgin Atlantic. This is one helluva tip.
And the one that really makes you wonder…
Zara Phillips, MBE: I never got anything like this for Christmas from my grandmother.
I really, really must consider British citizenship, if only to correct this error.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
The whole show essentially concentrated on the first five Smackdown Sprint matches, which is rather strange considering that they’ve got two hours minus commercials to fill, so why would they focus more on something that implies speed rather than time-filling? Oh, wait, there’s High-Quality Speaker Boy cutting a promo on Teddy Long. That should fill about fifteen minutes, and be entertaining as hell to boot. Enough for me to tune in.
A tag team gets set against each other in a sprint. Your clue: Hepple will get a case of the vapors from this one.
I’m interested to see the dynamic in the Booker/Novocaine match. Of course, I’ll be more interested if Booker just simply beats the piss out of him.
The mere result of the main event is a complete and utter abomination, enough so that it could be a sign of End of Days. I hope that you’re as disgusted as I am with it, although knowing most of you, you’ll be happy and thrilled about it, you cocksuckers.
That’s pretty much it, really. Just watch the show and you’ll understand.
GOTTA LOVE THAT QUALITY WRESTLING REPORTING
We here at IP try to avoid getting stringer reports for house shows and tapings. Hopefully we’re going to eliminate the last vestige of ‘tardhood here by doing something with Woj-suck’s reports that eliminate his contributions completely from them (Fingers asked me last week why I didn’t like them, and I explained in great detail why; hopefully, this will convince him to do something different in the future).
Why would we want to do this? After all, aren’t we a source for wrestling news, and isn’t this wrestling news? Yes to both. Our problem is that we don’t have any editors because, hey, they’d want to get paid. That leaves us at the mercy of the stringers. I finally ran across the one single line I needed to prove why a reputable, intelligent site like this one does not need to have unfiltered shit being strewn across it like a monkey cage at a zoo. This is a result from 1bullshit Junior’s stringer coverage of the Evansville, Indiana Smackdown/ECW house show over the weekend:
Davaira & Great Kali over Sandman & Tommy Dreamer.
I even helped you by pointing out the offending portion in bold. This stringer, by the way, admitted in the report that he got there late and missed the first two matches. If you missed the first two matches, then why submit a f*cking report at all? “It’s better than nothing” cuts no ice with me, not when I’m on what’s apparently become a one-man mission to exercise some quality control for this site (in which case, you’d better not let me have any authority over Reality Dish, a cesspit to be certain).
Really, do you want this kind of material on this site? From peering into the Den of Smelly Proles, I know that a good portion of you don’t give a shit about proper English. However, I do. Damn that journalism training in my youth, huh? I want this site to scan professionally and intelligently, and I don’t care if your standards are lower than the average Short Bus rider. If I contribute to this site, it must meet my standards. Stringer reports, unless heavily edited by someone who knows what they’re doing, do not do so. Therefore, I don’t want them here. And since the entire Wrestling section defers to me on everything, or so it is said by people who don’t know better and think that I have more power here than I do, they don’t get put up here.
Maybe Widro should hire me as editor. The only problem is that he can’t afford me.
And maybe WWE should hire me to make sense out of their storylines, but, hell, they can’t afford me either. Besides, given Steph’s ego and mine, my time as a WWE staffer would be measured in hours, and you wouldn’t have to use the fingers on both hands. So, instead of being in the paradise I could offer them, let’s see the nightmare they offered us this week…
THE RAW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Kevin Federline over John Cena, Non-Title No DQ Match (Pinfall, various bits of Jamalga brutality): A few people wrote and told me how nice it was that Cena laid down for K-Fed. Nonsense, folks. Cena laying down for K-Fed was the only possible ending given the dictates of Sports Entertainment Booking and celebrity deals. They have to ratchet up the Cena/Jamalga match for New Years’ Revolution, which is already a no-hoper going in. Therefore, Jamalga-ference was necessary during this. Plus, Federline’s trying to get over this “America’s Most Hated” thing, and he wouldn’t agree to anything that wouldn’t enhance that. There’s also Cena’s thoughts on the matter. The whole K-Fed thing got a lot of mainstream pub. Cena’s trying to follow Flex into mainstream movies. Cena beating up on Federline would not be good for mainstream career advancement, especially when it comes to the bubbleheads who form the Hollywood power structure. Therefore, laying down for K-Fed was good for Cena’s future plans, and thus he would agree to it.
It’s quite simple when you look at the big picture, isn’t it? Too bad that none of you do, and I have to do it for you.
Product Placement Theater, starring Kevin Federline and Johnny Nitro!
Do unto others as Britney hath done unto you
JTG, Shad, Rory McAllister, and Robbie McAllister over GarriLance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Shelton Benjamin, and Charlie Haas (Pinfall, Shad pins Murdoch, a little bit of Cryme Tyme double-teaming): What should have been a nice, pleasant eight-man that served the purpose of occupying the actual tag teams on Raw while they try to figure out how to get the straps from Edge and Orton to Cryme Time without ruining Edge and Orton or involving them in an actual feud with Cryme Time was ruined by one thing. I kept thinking to myself, “Cade really, really needs to go with short hair. The long, flowing locks thing does not work for him at all.” I think distractions like this have become an autonomic defense system with me.
It wasn’t the best time for Rory to ask Cade to check that lump under his armpit, but neither wanted to disobey the Wellness Program
Jeffykins over Rob Conway (Pinfall, victory roll): It’s been said by a lot of people that with the reuniting of the Hardly Men and MNM, that the next step would be a reunion of La Res. But did they have to make it this obvious? Conway saying he’d quit Raw, Lawler name-checking La Res and Grenier, then bring out Vince to do the honors…Keith’s old Sledgehammer Of Plot wasn’t stolen by Trip for in-ring use after all. Next week, watch out for Dupree to do the same thing to get the hell off of ECW and do a full-blown La Res Reunion on Smackdown. That being said, it was nice to hear Conway’s Joe Cocker theme again, though, wasn’t it?
By the way, according to 1bullshit Junior’s count, Conway supposedly jobbed something like 96% of the time in 2006, so there was actual justification for his tirade. Just wanted to throw that out to you.
The match was about ten seconds long. There was nothing to cap other than Jeffykins’ face in Conway’s crotch.
Melina Perez over Maria Kanelis (Pinfall, rollup): Oh, my God, they blew a rollup. And then repeated the spot. And Victoria was apparently on ‘ludes or something because she couldn’t promo her way out of a paper bag (something she’s proven time and time again that she can do). Perfect way to start a new year with the Women’s Division, isn’t it? And they don’t have Stratus to rely on anymore to get it back into shape. Wanna bet Vince is going to end up begging Finlay to go back into retirement to do something with these chicks?
Somehow, I don’t think this is what Brenton Wood had in mind when he sang “Check out the boots, eh”
Chris Masters and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane over Ric Flair and Carly Colon (Pinfall, my boy pins Flair, rope-assisted rollup): Now, son, what did I tell you about hanging around Masters? “He’ll only get you involved with his interminable feud with Colon,” right? And now he has, all while you’re trying to establish a career-making feud with Flair. You don’t need those distractions. Now be a good boy and have a good match with Flair at NYR. I’ll be home soon; just order a pizza.
Ric tries to punch the taste of steroids out of Masters’ mouth
Jamalga, Osama Rodriguez, Jonathan Coachman, and Johnny Nitro over John Cena (DQ, Fun With Chairs): And how is this supposed to enhance the NYR match between Jamalga and Cena? Just an inconsequential main event, yet another in a series involving Cena. And you wonder why the audience is so bored with him.
Cena’s resolution of “Abuse the local authority figure” might have been a mistake
Angle Developments:
Melina tries to find out from Maria which makeup girl did her so that she never goes to that one for hers
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Test over Sabu, Sore Losers Match (Pinfall, Test-5): If the fans can’t be bothered to care about them, should we? At least we learned not to care about Test a long time ago. That makes it easy.
Sabu should know better than to kick Test in the head. He’s impacted concrete before.
Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke over Little Guido Maritano and Tony Mamaluke (Submission, Mamaluke submits to Terkay, arm-and-neckbreaker): So, why the hell reunite the Hardly Men, MNM, and now La Res when they could have simply transferred the FBI over to Smackdown, where they’d definitely be in the mix considering the competition over there and actually get some screen time instead of being trapped on ECW, where tag matches are few and far between? Jesus, they’ve even got the necessary pair of tits in Trinity. Of course, I’m still waiting for them to unite Jimmy Yang and Jamie Noble to do Yung Dragons 2.0, so what do I know?
Burke and Guido are determined to win the Crucifix Carry race at the WWE Company Picnic this summer
Kevin Fertig over Balls Mahoney (Pinfall, elbow to throat): Okay, is the X sign from the ref being kayfabed or not these days? Once we all caught on to it, I was certain they’d come up with something different. However, Mahoney’s dental work did appear to be made more nasty, and the match ended abruptly and awkwardly (which could have been part of the kayfabe). The more interesting part of this match was the commentary. I was wondering if anyone would make a remark about Brad Armstrong being at the table and Scott Armstrong being the ref. Brad ended up forcing the issue. You know, back before he was put through mind control, Joey would have taken the initiative himself.
See Sabu versus Test above
Bobby Lashley versus Rob Van Dam, ECW Title Match (Ref’s Decision): Okay, now here the X sign is definitely kayfabe. And, boy, did the crowd know it. It’s nice that Sci-Lie left the Bullshit chant in, and that they showed us the replays to demonstrate how much this was bullshit. Of course, there were encouraging signs in this match that Van Dam may be working his way back into good odor with Stamford. The ending was one sign; they could have simply had him job to Lashley to kill off any heat he might have left. They gave this match a good deal of time, which breaks Van Dam away from his formula. He got in a lot of offense (and blew at least two spots, but, hey, it’s Van Dam, so we expect that). All in all, you Van Dam fans have to be encouraged at these developments. I’m sure Van Dam is.
They’re going to so kick ass on Dancing With The Stars next season
Angle Developments:
Dreamer’s still capable of pointing to the one part of his brain that hasn’t been concussed
“He’s got a good sense of humor”: the last refuge for the ugly on the blind date circuit
Okay, that covers it. I’m outta here because I have stuff to do. Enjoy yourselves and pray that the server holds up.
