The Impact Short Form, 01.04.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

Bill Cowher…who gives a shit? There’s only one football coach that has ever mattered, and his name is Ditka. All praise his name.

Ah, it’s a bright new day in a wonderful new world, one in which the Democrats have control of Congress. Dubbaya should be worried. After all, all guys know that when a girl says no, she really means yes. That brings a new meaning to Speaker Pelosi’s insistence that impeachment is not on the agenda, doesn’t it? Fuck impeachment. It’s not enough. I want to see Dubbaya and Mad Dog in the docket at the Hague for war crimes. You know, like what should have been done with Saddam for his actions in the war against Iran in the 80s. And like Saddam, I want grainy footage of their hangings to spread all across the Internet within an hour. That may be the best and easiest way to get the rest of the world back on the side of the US.

Memo to Nancy and Harry: you know my agenda. It’s quite simple. In order to retain my loyalty, you must get legislation through that makes the Republican Party illegal, places all registered Republicans in concentration camps, and gives me plenipotentiary power to do with them as I wish. Then I’ll support you…

…look, doing so is out of a sense of survival on my part. We’ve got a lame-duck illegal president who has lost control of Congress and who knows that his party has a chance in hell of retaining the White House in 2008. The spectre of Hitlary is casting a shadow over his last two years. Knowing the Junta, they’re going to go batshit. People are going to start disappearing in the name of protecting the country against terrorists, and I’m on a list somewhere. I can try to hide in the suburbs, but I know it won’t work. So, therefore, get them before they get me. It’s quite simple.

And with that joyous bit of news, I take you to Impact…

Match Results:

Rhiyno over Bobby Roode (Pinfall, rollup): Oh, dear God, are they really continuing the backfiring-manager-interference thing? You know, I can see Trinity watching this show and thinking “I’m hooked up with a midcard tag team on a show that doesn’t do tag matches. They’d even be no-hopers in the cruiser tag team environment of Smackdown. I have to play second fiddle to a 19-year-old blonde bimbo and a gawth chick. But at least I’m not Traci, thank God.”

Bitch, meet slap

Homicide over Spike Dudley, Mexican/Dudleyville Street Fight (Pinfall, Hernandez-ference): Too short to be of any consequence, as is Spike. However, the Border Toss on to the ladder was a nice little spot. Mild for a match involving a Dudley, but still very nice and quite well done.

That’s not how you Pillmanize someone

Christian over Kurt Angle (presumably, due to Sting-ference): So they spent ten minutes doing an all-around-the-place fracas between Joe and Angle to set up the Iron Man at Final Resolution, then spent one minute on what should have been a great (albeit seen-in-WWE) match between Christian and Angle, which was ten seconds of action, forty-five seconds of Tomko beatdown, and five seconds of Sting run-in. You know, for some perverse reason, I keep thinking that a main event actually has to have some wrestling in it. Am I an idiot for thinking that?

The chair was going so fast that it briefly phased out of our universe

TNA doesn’t tell their performers that that sign also applies to them

If someone slips on a floor because you removed the Wet Floor warning and hurts themself, Joe, you’re in big trouble. Of course, TNA has already removed responsibility from themselves (see the sign in the previous cap).

Vince may be evil, but he never made Angle sell a beating from Tomko

Angle Developments:

Joe’s a little pissed that he didn’t win Male Wrestler Of The Year, but isn’t aware that Cornette can’t overrule us

No, Joe, our decision is final

And Mexicans thought the Frito Bandito was bad

Storm doesn’t realize that Gail doesn’t like to do role-play, and even if she did, Pimp/Whore isn’t that much fun when you’re the whore

Okay, that’ll close out Impact. Smackdown’s almost done downloading, but I need to get some sleep and I have to get to work early tonight. Here’s hoping that I have time after I get back home to get that done to clear the books for Tuesday. Be sure to stay tuned for our New Years’ Revolution Round Table, and you’ll be surprised at a couple of my picks. Buh-bye.