MGF Presents The Saturday Swindle Sheet #139

Columns

Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.

And a Happy New Year to all of you who follow the Gregorian calendar. Hopefully nobody’s still in the process of recovering, and nobody got into too much trouble. I ended up staying in because (a) I was broke, and (b) I wasn’t going to try and drive around with liquor in my system with a f*cking police roadblock at every 1/2-mile. Those cops don’t tend to take too kindly to us minority types while we’re sober, let alone drunk or drinking.

This week was a fairly busy one with music news, and as a result we’ve got a bigger column than usual. It’s not one of my old school 20-pagers, but it’s longer than what you’ve probably become accustomed to reading.

OPENING SHOT…


Uh… pieces of what?

BLURBS OF THE WEEK

Busta Rhymes is in trouble with the law again, this time getting charged with misdemeanor third-degree assault, in Manhattan Criminal Court on Thursday. The charges stem from an incident that took place on Dec. 26, in Lower Manhattan, when the rapper allegedly punched his driver (now his former driver) in the face after a dispute over money. By the time the driver had reported the incident to local police, Rhymes was out of the country, on vacation for the New Year’s holiday, and after hearing that he was wanted, he turned himself in to a Lower Manhattan police station upon returning. After being formally charged, Rhymes posted a $3500 bail and was released, although he’ll have to appear for another hearing on Feb. 20. While Rhymes’ attorney has told reporters that he is confident that he will be exonerated, if convicted he could face up to a year in prison. If sentenced, his prison term is rumored to feature production and guest appearances by Pharrell Williams.


Busta Rhymes (left) may end up in jail for a year if convicted of third-degree assault. Luckily, though, his stunt double, NBA forward Antonio Davis (right), can stand-in for him on the upcoming 2007 Flipmode Tour, with his wife, Kendra, who will threw scalding coffee in Tony Yayo’s face. I may or may not have recycled this bit from about a year ago, but it’s been long enough that you would have forgotten about it. That is, of course, if I did in fact recycle it, which I may or may not have done.

Tom Petty recently squashed speculation that he was on the verge of retiring. An article in the July issue of Rolling Stone hinted that the veteran rocker would be calling it quits after completing last year’s highly successful 30th anniversary tour. Petty told reporters that 2006 was one of the best years of his career, with the aforementioned tour, as well as having received two Grammy nominations for his latest album, Highway Companion. He had also been presented with the key to the city of Gainesville, Fla., his hometown. Of course, regarding the false rumors circulated by one Rolling Stone magazine, one shouldn’t give too much credence to a publication that’s become an absolute joke in the past two decades, putting Britney Spears on the cover twelve times in the past three years. I may have made that up, but at least I admit it when I make things up. In an unrelated story, 50 Cent was killed this afternoon in Hudson Heights, Manhattan, when he was run over by a truck that was carrying bulletproof vests.

In other 50 Cent news, he was at Borders Books and Music at Columbus Circle in New York on Thursday, signing copies of his G-Unit Books novellas, “that dare to tell the truth about The Life.” While some people argue that the use of street slang and violence in the books will be a bad influence on young readers (with titles like Death Before Dishonor and The Ski Mask Way), others say that it’s a good way to get young people to read books of their own volition. I personally would like to posit a third opinion, that 50 Cent looks like Mike Tyson when you punch him in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!. That’s right, two Punch-Out! references in two weeks, baby!


If shooting him several times won’t kill him, I highly doubt a punch in the face will do anything…

In other Britney Spears news, she reportedly had to be carried out of the Pure nightclub in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve after collapsing shortly after midnight. Spears’ manager, Larry Rudolph, told reporters that the singer, who had been the host for the night, was “not drunk … [and] was just tired and falling asleep.” Yes, of course… and all those times that paparazzi snapped photos of her snatch, she was actually wearing flesh-colored panties with a snatch drawn onto them. It all makes sense now. … On Friday, Spears posted a message on her Web site vis-à-vis her tarnished image, pointing the finger squarely at the media for distorting the way that her fans have come to know her, and for the close of one of her top fan sites. “Trust me, I get it,” she says. “I know I’ve been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move … I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever.” If anything can be concluded from this statement, it’s that after seeing how much people love Dreamgirls star and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson, Britney Spears has decided to win back fans by gaining 50 pounds and learning how to sing. You heard it here first.

Upset that his album didn’t sell nearly as many albums as it should have considering all of the critical acclaim that it received, rapper Lupe Fiasco is looking to curtail any attempts to bootleg his upcoming album. He told reporters that he plans to record The Cool (which he has already mapped out for the most part) just three weeks before its scheduled release date.

Longtime Grand Ole Opry star Del Reeves, a comedic country-western singer/performer who was best known for his 1965 hit, “Girl on the Billboard”, died on Monday in Nashville, Tenn., after having battled an “extended illness.” He was 74.

Beyoncé was upset after recently being informed that she would not be receiving a songwriting credit for her song “Listen”—from the movie Dreamgirls, as the song is expected to be nominated—due to a 2005 rule enacted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, limiting the number of songwriters per song to three. The Academy’s executive committee determined that of the four people which the movie’s soundtrack album liner notes credit (Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler, Beyoncé Knowles, and Anne Preven), Beyoncé did the least work, and thus it was ruled that she would be one omitted. No word yet from Beyoncé or her camp on how her ego is doing after all of this…


Slowly but surely, entertainment execs are realizing that Beyoncé must be told “no” from time to time. For instance, had Beyoncé had her way, the box office hit Dreamgirls would have actually been a fantasy action film starring Beyoncé and two Beyoncé clones, it would have been called Me, Myself and I, and it would have actually been a two-hour Pepsi commercial.

Bury Your Dead singer Mat Bruso has left the band, citing “personal reasons”, according to the Victory Records Web site. Bruso was the Massachusetts-based metalcore band’s third singer in five years, which just shows that metalcore is useless and should cease to exist. Bury Your Dead was supposed to tour with Killswitch Engage and Shadows Fall, and the bands are now searching for a replacement. Possibilities include All That Remains, As I Lay Dying, Between the Buried and Me, Bleed the Sky, Bleeding Through, Blood Has Been Shed, Blood for Blood, Bloodlined Calligraphy, Bloodsimple, Bloodstain, The Blood Brothers, and The Bled. See, it’s funny because they’re all the same the type of band1 and they all have the same type of name.

T.I. recently said, in an online New Year’s message posted by Atlantic Records, that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to get more sleep. Conversely, Kid Rock said that he is going to give up sleeping. One can only hope that this leads to a longtime feud that ends this summer when the two fight to the death in large arena, and the winner is then run over by a truck carrying bulletproof vests.

In other New Year’s-related news, George Michael recently beat out Christina Aguilera to become the highest paid entertainer in Russian history. Michael was hired by a Russian billionaire for a New Year’s Eve performance at the billionaire’s estate 20 miles outside of Moscow, and received £1.5 million (nearly $3 million) for an hour-long set. Aguilera had previously performed at the wedding of a Russian oligarch, but was only paid a measly $2 million, and was given a salty dog laced with polonium-210, which she luckily did not drink because she thought it really had dog in it.

Speed of Sound, a company that stores and takes care of concert memorabilia, has decided to start auctioning off items from Whitney Houston‘s 1999 My Love Is Your Love Tour, because it claims it is owed almost $200,000 by the singer. If the items, which the company has been storing for the past 7 years—mostly including clothing and stage props—are able to fetch over the amount that the company is owed, it has said that it will give Houston the remainder. No word yet on what she plans to do with the money, although her drug dealer reportedly made a down payment on a brand new Escalade after reading about the story.

Singer/actor Tyrese reportedly punched his pregnant live-in girlfriend in the thigh and arm after an argument on Wednesday night, before failing to show up for a scheduled radio appearance the next day and not being heard from since. While the unnamed victim received medical treatment and was said to be okay, The Saturday Swindle Sheet would like to state that it is unacceptable to punch a pregnant woman, or any woman at all—unless, of course, she is Paris Hilton. If that’s the case, then go ahead and punch away.

London-based ska band 7 Seconds of Love is hoping to settle with the Argentine branch of the Coca-Cola company after being tipped off by fans that their song “Ninja” (and the video for it) was being used in an Argentine TV spot for Coca-Cola Light. Singer Joel Veitch told reporters that the band was overcome by “righteous fury, followed by deep irritation. … Initially, we didn’t think much about it, because we don’t get Argentine television here, … It was when it turned up on the Internet that we went, `Oh my god.'” While the band can’t afford to take the company to court, it hopes that the two parties can reach some sort of agreement. “The Coca-Cola Light spot in question was commissioned to a local advertising agency, Santo Buenos Aires SA, which assured Coca-Cola Argentina that each element of the advertisement was original,” a representative for Coca-Cola at its Atlanta-based offices said. “Coca-Cola de Argentina acted in good faith in accepting the work, but in light of the allegations has asked Santo Buenos Aires to fully research and resolve this matter.”

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey finalized their divorce last week, according to People Weekly magazine. The terms of the settlement were not disclosed, although Lachey was reportedly bragging to his friends that one condition was that he gets to see Simpson’s boobs on weekends. Hey, I’d probably be bragging about it, too.

In other Jessica Simpson news, it appears that rumors about a relationship with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo—which turned out to be false, seeing as the two have never even met—were started by Simpson’s father, of all people. According to the New York Post, an insider revealed that Joe Simpson—the same pathetic choad who tried to blame the Ashlee Simpson/SNL lip-synching incident on acid reflux—had told a team official that Jessica and Romo were close to try and score free Cowboys tickets. While a Simpson representative denied this, it would not surprise me one bit. It was a close call, but this story was just barely beaten out for “The Most Ridiculous Item of the Week”, by…

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Since his very public split with Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock has been the target of bad blood from fellow Pam ex Tommy Lee, and recently decided to do something about it. Lee, who is rumored to be banging Pam again, told reporters after the couple divorced that he was happy that she had dumped Kid Rock, and has even reportedly called Kid Rock on a few different occasions to taunt him by telling him how much of a scumbag he is (although it goes without saying that this is a pot-kettle-black type of situation). Fast-forward to earlier this week when the two were both partying in Las Vegas for New Year’s, and Kid Rock heard that Lee was staying at the Hard Rock Hotel. He reportedly gathered a group of his Motor City goons and stormed up to the room where Lee was supposedly staying, but after forcing his way into the room, it turned out that Lee was nowhere to be found, and instead a family had been sleeping inside. According to the family, who chooses to stay anonymous, Kid Rock made up for it by signing autographs for them. That’s bullshit. I would have made him pay the hotel bill.

Cheers
-JF2k7!

ENDNOTES

1 The exception is The Blood Brothers, who are more post-hardcore and artsy than the rest.