The Smackdown Short Form, 01.05.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

Oh, nothing in the news, wrestling or otherwise. So it’s on to a fast-paced Smackdown with an overriding gimmick…

Match Results:

Kane over Chavito, Beat The Clock Match (Pinfall, chokeslam, 7:53): Hepple was right. An inoffensive match with surprisingly good chemistry. Jacobs really did a great job making Chavito look like a threat. There were actual moments of uncertainty in this match. Yes, they passed by fleetingly, but those moments existed, and full credit goes to Glen. Meanwhile, Chavito shows yet again that he has that Guerrero ability to work with any wrestler in any style and give the match a sense of quality. So why hasn’t he had a run with the US title yet?

Boy, is this not going to work or what?

Paul London versus Brian Kendrick, Beat The Cock Match (Time-Limit Draw): Speaking of Hepple, it’s amazing to think that both he and Glazer had similar reactions to this match, despite being separated by half a world. Of course, they had the same reaction for very different reasons. So whose reaction is more “pure”? I’m going with Hepple here. He came by his sexuality the old-fashioned way, whereas with Aaron…it’s really squicky to have impure thoughts about ROH when you pleasure yourself. Not about any of the wrestlers, just about ROH. Although if you have to masturbate to thoughts of a wrestling federation, ROH is pretty much the best option.

Getting away from that for a second, this match gave us a nice seven-and-a-half minute taste of what’s going to happen when they break these guys up and they go solo in the cruiser division. I’m hoping for this match plus about ten minutes for the CW title at Wrestlemania 24.

Normally, the phrases “London and Kendrick” and “arm-bar” do not coexist in the same place. I’m surprised the universe didn’t rupture.

Booker T over Novocaine Helms, Beat The Clock Match (Pinfall, scissors kick, 6:24): Another revelatory match. As with Kane and Chavito, there was definite chemistry there. It’s also a big surprise that it’s taken this long for there to be a match between these two. I don’t think they ever fought in WCW, and more’s the pity; seeing Booker at his peak taking on Novocaine in his more reckless youth would have been something. Of course, if they had fought in WCW, it would have been a squash match in Booker’s favor, especially after Russo took over, so maybe it’s better to have it now. Helms’ title reign has actually motivated him to adapt to a more hybrid style that’s in favor in WWE, and Booker’s in an Indian Summer in terms of wrestling ability (how much of that can you credit to Finlay’s presence?). So, yeah, this works, and I wouldn’t mind seeing this one again in less of a freak show environment. How you set it up without using a gimmick like this, though, is beyond me at this moment.

And you thought Shawn Michaels was serious about his religion

Ashley Massaro over Jillian Hall (Pinfall, rollup): Once upon a time, Jillian Hall could wrestle. Once upon a time, she was also an effective presence in terms of Sports Entertainment. What’s happened here? This is a disaster of a heel turn, not to mention the fact that it was done so well with Trish Stratus and what’s-her-name down in TNA a while back. Poor Jillian. Poor, poor Jillian. Move her to Raw and set her up against Victoria, now.

Finally, someone in WWE had a more ridiculous boob job than Steph

Tatanka versus Jimmy Yang, Beat The Clock Match (Time-Limit Draw): And here we not only have another match that worked surprisingly well from a chemistry standpoint, but another idiotic heel turn. Has a Tatanka heel turn ever worked without the presence of Ted DiBiase?

Custer’s Revenge, in reverse and without the rape

FudgePacker over Our Lord and Savior, Beat The Clock Match (Pinfall, collision with exposed turnbuckle, 5:07): This is a complete and total abortion. I trust I do not have to explain myself further. I was physically ill seeing that ending. Just the concept of Chris Fucking Benoit being forced to job in five minutes to this walking pile of vomit is incomprehensible. Dear God…I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I don’t want to know. Oh, well, I suffered through Flex, I can suffer through this. Maybe FudgePacker will get a career-ending injury or something and we’ll all get lucky.

The realization hits Benoit that he’s going to have to job to this piece of shit

Angle Developments:

Demonstrating yet again why I demanded to write up the Non-Wrestling Personality Of The Year entry for our Year-End Awards

Is that an ass or a tumor?

Lonely widow looking for comfort, hot chick right there to be supportive…at least in porn we know where this would lead

That closes out the week. Given my schedule, I have no idea whether or not I’ll get a column in on Tuesday, especially with a PPV happening. So, read the Round Table when it goes up and enjoy yourselves, and I’ll see you when I see you.