Evening all. Welcome back to Live Raw coverage. I’m Tom Pandich, and here we are again. Live from St. Louis.
John Cena comes out and says the champ is here. Last night was one of the toughest fights of his life. Armando apparently said Cena’s win last night was a fluke. Cena says he’s in a mood to give Umaga a rematch tonight. He asks the crowd if they want to see Cena/Umaga tonight for the WWE Championship. Unfortunately, the crowd is retarded and screams for the match.
Coachman comes out and says Umaga has the night off. Cena runs through Umaga going to show up and beat up Cena on his way to the car, in the locker room, or in the shower…. never mind. Cena wants Umaga not to show up in the shower. Coachman says Umaga has the night off and Cena has to take on the newest acquisition for Raw, the Great Khali. Oh for god’s sake. It’s like stepping in shit only to have someone shit on your head afterwards.
Rosie/Donald TONIGHT! Oh wait…….. this is horrible too. How much did Vince pay for this?
Vince says his name is Vince McMahon. He runs through all of the great matches in Sports Entertainment. He says Rosie “the left leaning lesbian” O’Donnell and Donald “the brash billionaire” Trump will have a match tonight.
We’re back and it’s a fake Rosie (or so I’m told). Apparently she eats an ice cream cake. This might be the worst Raw in the history of Raws ever.
IC Title Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Kenny Dykstra
Both men won last night. This could be an interesting feud. Hardy and Kenny lock up and move into the corner. Hardy breaks the hold, but gets hit by Kenny with a knee lift. Kenny works Hardy over to the corner with a few punches. Irish whip to the opposite corner, Hardy floats over, and hits a sit down drop kick. Kenny bails to the outside only to be hit by a baseball slide. Hardy heads over the top to the floor and takes out Kenny. Commercials.
We’re back and Kenny is firmly in control. Shoulder block gets two. Kenny slaps on a chinlock which Hardy fights out of. Inverted jawbreaker by Hardy and the moment has turned. Hardy runs over Kenny a few times and nails the Whispers in the Wind for two.
Hardy Irish whips Kenny into the corner, but he runs into a boot. Kenny goes up top, but eats a sit down dropkick on his way down. Hardy attempts a Twist of Fate, but it’s countered. Nitro does a run in, but Hardy sees him. As everyone is distracted, Flair comes out and hits Kenny with a low blow. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate. It’s over.
Winner and Still Champion: Jeff Hardy
Kenny cries after the match.
In the back, Rosie sees the Divas locker room and enters. The King thinks Rosie wants to be diva. We know she’s a lesbian. Commercials.
Rosie oogles Maria. Whatever.
Speaking of whatever, here’s an interview with the Great Khali. He doesn’t speak English though which starts a “What?” chant. Oh for the love of all that is good and holy.
More Rosie O’Donnell/Trump feud.
Divas match is next.
Objects Match: Women’s Champion Mickey James and Maria vs. Melina and Victoria
Though I love three of the girls in the match and two of them can actually wrestle, this will be ugly. Damn, Victoria looks quite hotter then she has in a while. Maria needs to cut back on the make up. Mickey James is quite cute tonight too. She looks like a sexy hippy only cleaner. Maria hits a Bronco Buster on Melina. Melina tags in Victoria who looks as hot as she’s looked since her heel turn. Victoria and Melina take turns hitting Mickey James on the apron. She pops in, and the match becomes a clusterf*ck. Melina gets a pin on Maria somewhere in there.
Winner: Maria and Victoria
Fake Donald is in the back getting gobs of hair spray.
Wrestlemania Recall: Lesnar/Goldberg at XX. Hillarious.
Here comes the awful: Fake Donald vs Fake Rosie
Fake Rosie has magical fat music playing. At least she looks like Rosie. Here comes Fake Donald. The ref explains the rules. Rosie calls time out to eat more cake. She tells JR to not eat the cake. Rosie tosses Trump off. Boring chant goes on. Rosie tosses Trump again. Trump tosses his jacket down. Trump locks on a side headlock, which Rosie counters with a standing shoulder block. Fake Rosie hits a Thez Press followed with a few throws.
Major boring chant starts up as Rosie does a few Hogan moves. Trump “hairs” up and hits a few head butts. Donald tries to scoop slam Rosie, but she’s too heavy. Two count. Rosie misses the elbow drop, and Donald Trump rolls out. He cakes Rosie and hits her with a second rope “hairbutt” and it’s thankfully over.
Winner: Fake Donald Trump
At least we can’t sink any lower. The Great Khali vs. John Cena is better then that mess, right? Right?
And now for a totally new match: Chris Masters vs Carlito
Carlito is on Masters early only to be dropped by a Gorilla Press. Torrie Wilson comes down to the ring as Masters does standard heel offense routine #3. Carlito eventually takes advantage after Torrie Wilson hits a beltshot. Back cracker finishes it.
Winner: Carlito
Ugh, that was awful.
Team RKO/DX recap. Here comes the heels to gloat about Triple H’s knee injury and DX’s disqualification last night. Commercials.
We’re back. Orton is in a neckbrace. Orton says that they may have lost the battle, but they won the war. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, wah, wah. Gloat, gloat, gloat. 2 on 1 next week against Shawn. As you can tell, this promo had me the entire time.
Shawn comes out with a microphone to finally liven things up. Shawn has his slightly sad face on. Shawn says he’ll take care of business next week. Whatever.
Obligatory Tag Team Match: Cryme Tyme vs Trevor Murdock and Lance Cade
Chaz dominates early until the heels get the double. We enter into formula tag match as Chaz is our face in peril. JTG removes the top turnbuckle in his corner. JTG gets the tag. He hits a missle drop kick. Murdock nearly runs into the exposed corner. Chaz slams Murdock’s head into the corner anyways. Roll up by JTG and that’s it.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
This week in wrestling history, it’s the first Raw. In the back, Rosie is crying. Ron Simmons says damn.
The King is interview Vladimir Kauslauf. He says tonight’s show was very entertainment. Vlad says he can beat John Cena and Great Khali. He loves Double Double E.
In the back, Eugene loves John Cena. The Great Khali stares him down and Eugene goes off to the island of shitty gimmicks.
The diarrhea frosting on this shit sandwich: The Great Khali vs John Cena
Crowd is firmly behind Cena. I’m afraid that my good friends James Hatton might be right. Cena is officially getting a Hogan push as every awful big man is being pushed against Cena. Cena jogs around Khali and gets dropped by him. Khali uses clubbing blows! Cena heads outside and Armando mocks him. Cena can’t scoop slam Khali which is silly considering how many times we’ve seen Cena slam the Big Show. Armando hits the ring with a chair which Cena steals. Khali no sells the shot. Cena gets DQed. Khali slams him afterwards.
Winner by DQ: The Great Khali
Umaga gets waved down and he drives Cena into the corner. Corner splash by Umaga. Thumb of doom. Umaga yells and taunts Cena to end the show.
I cannot emphasize how terrible this Raw was. If I wasn’t doing a recap for Inside Pulse, I would stop watching wrestling for at least another six months. Folks, go to TNA. Support a product that isn’t actually offensive. This was Thunder bad. See you stupid folks who plan to hang on and watch this shit next week.
