NEW YEARS… QUADOLUTION…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E !
So last night – Trips tore a quad – that’s about it.
“They should do a tribute to all of the torn quads of the years. Just so I can watch Nash fall down and start screaming like a girl.” – Insyder Kromadas
Tonight? No Hunter!
But you do get:
BILL – He tore his quad drawing Silver Rage!
ERIC – He tore his quad during a mean PSP version of Smackdown vs. Raw
JEFFREY – He tore his quad pouring my first Jaeger of the night.
JENNA – She tore her quad training for her in ring debut.
HERNANDEZ – He tore his quad working out spots with Salvatore Sincere!
DANI – She tore her quad while hugging me.
And the man who tears his quad while saying hello – Me, James Hatton.
Not to mention an entire forum full of quad tearers, The Insyders!
Trump versus Rosie? What the hell….
Also the Rated RKO Victory Celebration.
First though, here comes Cena. He beat Umaga last night… first time I’ve ever wanted to say ‘Thank God Cena held onto the belt’. So he gets to the mic and lets us know that the champ is here. “You know what really yanks my noodle?”
“Todd Grisham?” – Bill
Cena then admits that last night he got his asskicked. Last night was one of the toughest of his life. He made it though.
“Yeah, we did” – Bill
So tonight – Cena wants a rematch to prove he CAN beat Umaga again. He asks the fans…
“No.. No I don’t want to see it.” – Eric
“He didn’t ask yet.” – Bill
He actually pulls some heat as the crowd gets into it.. and here comes the Coach to stop the entire affair. He explains that Umaga isn’t here. Cena then makes the fine point of explaining that it must mean that he will be here in a few minutes, or on his way to his car.
Well no, Umaga isn’t here. Coach is going to introduce the new freeagent to Raw…
“Khali?” – Eric
“IRS?” – Bill
Hey, no.. sadly, Eric was right. It’s Khali.
“He’s got some weird nipples…” – Me
“He’s got some weird everything!” – Bill
“Wow, hell of a way to start out the show. I am already thinking of changing the channel.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Cena wins. Calling it now.” – Insyder DarkStar
So they do the nose to… uhmm.. second row. They have a bit of a chat, and it seems that they are going to have a match tonight, non-title.
“Armando should be his manager, then it would be ok.” – Eric
“How does Khali find anyone to f*ck him? Honestly, who signs up for that job? That has to shred a girl to pieces! “Oh baby…yeah that feels good…up in my rib cage.” – Insyder Ellie
“Come to think of it, Khali sort of looks like X-Pac stretched over the Lincoln Memorial.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
We get a flash of the Rosie & Donald fight. Hey, and now it’s Vince… talking about Sammartino vs. Graham… Hogan vs. Andre… Austin vs. Rock. Now.. Donald Trump vs. Rosie.. oy vey.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
We return and Vince is talking with “Rosie O Donnell” who is chomping on a Fudgie The Whale cake…… there are few words.
“This is horrible” – Dani
“Agreed.” – Eric
“They should stay away from pop culture” – Dani
“Agreed” – Me
“Did the Wrestlecrap guys pick a Gooker award already or will this Trump/Rosie business still count? This won’t end well.” – Insyder DarkStar
And here comes Jeff Hardy – and the crowd goes nuts!
“Going nuts, not for Jeff Hardy, but NOT fake Rosie.” – Me
“Awww, Jeff looks so tired.” – Jeffrey
“Look who he has to face.” – Eric
Here comes Kenny!
“Kenny isn’t tired.. he only faced Flair.” – Bill
“Kenny should win, but they are kinda treating Jeffy like Cena jr. protect crazy pantyhose arms at all costs!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
JEFF HARDY vs. KENNY DYKSTRA
Hey, the first match!
Lock up to start and Kenny pushes Jeff to the ropes – and they fight back and forth to the corner. Kenny knees Jeff in the gut, and starts hammering him on the back. Jeff goes to kick Kenny, Jeff reverses it into a flippy kick and then the double leg plant kick in the corner.
Kenny bails to the outside, eats a baseball slide and a suicide drop.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:24
Back in the ring – Kenny has Jeff in a chinlock. Jeff fights out of it in the knick of time to be back. Hits the ropes and eats a neckbreaker. Kenny now sits atop him and punches the hell out of him. Picks up Jeff and short arm clothesline or two from Kenny. Flying shoulder tackle for two. Chinlock from Kenny again. Pick up and a jawbreaker from Hardy. Throws Jeff to the ropes and a flying crossbody, and a couple clotheslines of his own. Hits the Whisper In The Wind for two.
“He never wins with that” – Me
“I don’t see how it hurts the other guy.” – Bill
So Kenny pushes Hardy to the ropes, and he’s tripped by Nitro. Behind as Kenny is getting all ready to attack.. Flair balls Kenny! Nice double spot. Senton. That’s the win.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
In the back.. Rosie is walking through the hallway. Stops and enters the Diva Locker Room. Heads in..
“That’s not Rosie.. that’s Jamal!” – Me
“That’s why Umaga has the night off.” – Bill
“What if she wears a diva outfit?!!?!” – Jeffrey
“Unless Rosie is about to lick some Diva – I call boring skit coming up.” – Insyder Ellie
“Wait…if Rosie licks Mickie, I’m jumping through the screen and choking the fat bitch as soon as I can find her neck.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:32
Hernandez & Jen have arrived!
The update on Triple H: Torn Quad muscle – Surgery tomorrow.
“So they found a way to end DX without hurting anyone’s feelings.” – Eric
In the back… “Rosie” with Candice and Maria… Rosie scopes their cleavage. Maria thinks that she liked her outfit….
“LINE!” – Hernandez
Todd talking with Khali.
“THOSE NIPPLES ARE AS BIG AS TODD’S HEAD!” – Jeffrey
“As big as Ariels” – Me
“No.. that’s too big..” – Jeffrey
So Prince Khali..
“Faboulous he… Khali Abaaaabwaaaa” – Me
“He’s got the monkey…. he got the monkey.” – Bill
So Todd talks with Khali and being that he is unintelligible…
“He’s speaking punjabi!” – Hernandez
The crowd asks ‘What’ alot, which is completely worth it.
“He sounds like the end of Rocky IV” – Hernandez
“If I can get along….. and we can get along…” – Me
In the back, Melina & Victoria on the way.
“Victoria’s sweater shrunk.” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:42
Now – here comes Melina, voguing with the red carpet.
“They can’t roll that carpet down anymore…” – Eric
Melina then does a weird in ring stance.
“The hell was that” – Bill
“She thinks she’s Milena from Mortal Kombat” – Me
Here comes Maria!!! Her legs go on and on for daaays…. Neon Green!
“Light and airy… excellent.” – Bill
MILENA & VICTORIA vs. MICKEY & MARIA
So Mickey starts in there with Melina. Some stuff happens. Maria gets tagged and gives Melina the bronco buster. Not bad at all. Melina then charges her into Victoria for a tag.
Victoria grabs Maria by the hair and pulls her hair over her back. Maria reverses over and kicks Victoria in the gut, but it’s caught and she’s dropped. Mickey tries to come in and help out Maria, but it only leads to blatent cheating behind the ref’s back.
Snapmare from Melina now. Scissor lock over her throat. Not a bad little spot – and Maria powers out of it. She crawls for the tag, but Melina punches Mickie. A tag to Victoria and a double headslam. Mickey FINALLY runs in and clears house of the heels. Thesz Press and now the faces jump out on top…
Mickie leaps onto Victoria to the outside.
“BLOWN KNEE!” – Hernandez
Melina then hits a bad run-up the turnbuckle for the win. Eww.
WINNER: MELINA & VICTORIA
Now we’re in the back and we see….
“ANOTHER ROSIE O’DONNELL” – Hernandez
It’s a hair helmetted young guy… horrible…
“This oughta be something to say the least” – JR
“yeah.. that was JR.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
Wrestlemania Recall: WXX – Brock versus Goldberg!?!? What the f*ck are they trying to prove here. Piped in cheers… I can’t believe they are even trying to rewrite this history.
“Goldberg doesn’t sell the kick!” – Hernandez
“Doesn’t even sell the stunner” – Me & Eric
“Is it just me or are these WrestleMania recalls starting WAY too early?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Hey, and now comes Vince.
“And we’re going to follow up THAT suckfest with…” – Me
“It can’t get much worse – this is going to be something to say the least” – Hernandez
“And this is our 10 o’clock spot” – Me
Vince introduces Rosey… the double-chinned diva… and they even gave her an entrance. This is bad. The crowd is tepid.. at worst.
Now Vince introduces a personal friend… yeah… Donald Trump. And they PAID for ‘Money, Money, Money’
“Paid for it or getting sued in 3… 2…” – Hernandez
ROSIE vs. DONALD
Shit vs. Shit
“HOORAY!!!!!!!!! Scrubs is on.” – Insyder Chuckles
“YAY…..what channel??” – Insydre soak1313
The ref explains the rules.
“This is the stupidest f*cking shit ever.” – Jeffrey
“I can’t think of anything worse than this..” – Eric
“Mae Young.. birth to a hand.” – Hernandez
So Rosie leaves the ring to go eat her cake. Comes in again. They walk around the ring, almost like Goldberg and Brock from Wrestlemania XX.
Finally, Rosie shoves Donald.
This is EXACTLY like Brock vs. Goldberg at Wrestlemania XX..
“But without the Jewish references” – Eric
The crowd is not happy. With anything.
Indy-wrestler fake-Donald.. gets a side-headlock and a shouldercheck.
Still not fun – amusing – or remotely interesting.
“Do you think Vince realizes this is damaging wrestling..” – Hernandez
And the crowd finally becomes audible… ‘BORING’ Once again, exactly like Wrestlemania XX.
The crowd has now begun chanting TNA… UNLIKE Wrestlemania XX… Anyway, Rosie misses a splash.
“TORN QUADS.. TORN QUADS..” – Me
This turns into a food fight. Donald grabs Fudgie and hits Rosie with it.
“Fudgie The Whale – harder hitting than the sledgehammer” – Eric
“No.. now she’s back to full health” – Hernandez
“Donald just wasted all those delicious Carvel crunchies -what a bastard!!!” – Insyder Ellie
New chant: “We want wrestling!”
Oh.. and the fake Donald wins.
WINN….LOSERS: THE FANS
“Someone better be getting fired over this. Even if it’s Vince.” – Insyder DarkStar
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
Carlito is here! Thank God he’s really a wrestler. Now… Masterpiece… not, in fact, a wrestler.
“POWDERED TOAAASST MAAAANNNN… Masterpiece, the GREATEST wrestler of our generation.” – Bill
“Did he get bigger again?” – Dani
“Juice!” – Jeffrey
MASTERS vs. CARLITO
Start up with fisticuffs… Carlito gets a nice hard chop – he’s reversed into the rop… Nope, the corner. Hits the top rope and flying cross onto the top. He hits the ropes – but eats a press slam.
Here comes Torrie!
Masters slams Carlito corner to corner. Hard clothesline.
THIS JUST IN: 83 DAYS TIL WRESTLEMANIA
“Stop threatening me!” – Hernandez
Masters hits a bearhug. Carlito now elbows Masters out of the bearhug. Hits the ropes and a bad powerslam.. back to their feet.. back to the bearhug.
Eyerakes get him out of it. Masters gets kneed and thrown to the ropes.. then Masters hanging on the ropes gets hit in the ass with he ring bell.
“TORN QUAD!” – Hernandez
Backcracker.. the end.
So they show us flashes of last night’s RKO / DX …
“It’s not as bad as they are saying..” – Hernandez
“Yeah, they said 4 – 6 months” – Me
“He’s taking time off.. he wants to see his kid.” – Hernandez
“Whom he’s never seen once.” – Bill
So anyway, here comes RKO – Edge has got a black eye. Orton’s got a blade cut and a neckbrace
“Neither of them using crutches.. awwww” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:22
Orton’s got a blading mark from hell… so Orton grabs the mic. So they give us a flash to Triple H saying how they were going to be left in a bloody heap in the middle of the ring.
“WE WEREN’T IN THE RING!” – Bill
So RKO shows how they said earlier in the PPV how they said they were going to end DX. ‘There’s a phrase…’ – Orton
“NEINER NEINER” – Me
So Orton explains that they lost of tons of blood.. so much he said it twice.
“That’s two tons.” – Bill
“A couple ounces maybe..” – Jeffrey
“PUT EDGE ON THE MIC!” – Eric
Finally they give Edge the mic. He explains how they did what Big Show, Vince, and Shane couldn’t do… and that was end DX. At New Years Revolution they did half the job… now next week it’s a handicapped match… Shawn Michaels
“Versus some handicapped people.” – Bill
“I’d pay for that” – Eric
Edge continues to cut a seriously badass promo on the death of DX.
“Edge’s thought balloon: “I misssss Chrrriiissttiiiaannn!”” – Insyder soak1313
So we hear ‘ARE YOU READY?!’ —- and that’s it.. strange. Anyway, Shawn gets to the top of the key.
“Randy you botched the spot, you’ll pay for it. Edge, you go the HIV.. I’m out.” – Hernandez
So Shawn wants to ask ‘Is this the end of DX’ – the answer.. he doesn’t know.
“Uh oh.. someone’s missing their smile.” – Me
So Shawn’s best friend is in Birmingham, in a hospital… awaiting surgery.
“And watching free porn.” – Hernandez
The crowd chants ‘Triple H’
“Someone cue the Creed song.. ugh..” – Me
So Shawn will be by his side.
“Preying” – Bill
He’ll deal with RKO… next week.
That was the most solid set-up in a long time.
“Two words: Grudge match” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
Guess what homies.. it’s Cryme Tyme! Umm.. word!
CRYME TYME vs. LANCE CADE & TREVOR MURDOCH
Sure, why the hell not..
“From a bonus match last night..” – JR
“So they call filling in a hole a bonus match?!” – Hernandez
So Shad and Cade start in there. Cade bounces back and forth fists to his head from both members of Cryme Tyme. Cade drops Shad now and Murdoch runs in to clothesline Shad down. They throw him to the corner and the double beatdowns now continue.
In the other corner – JT steals the top turnbuckle. Cade beats down Shad against the ropes. Throws him to the ropes now – boot into his gut – and now Shad gets the tag in at the same time as Murodch and JT clears house on both.. clotheslines.. dropkicks… solid back body to Murdoch. JT heads to the top now. Solid missle dropkick to Cade. Tag to Murdoch.
Murdoch runs in – gets tossed to the corner. Reversed and JTG leaps up as Murdoch charges. Murdoch stops before he runs into the bare corner. Shad grabs him – head to the corner post and a roll up ends it.
WINNER: CRYME TYME
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:46
This Week In Wrestling History:
“The return of Triple H” – Hernandez
The Debut of Monday Night Raw! Live at the Manhattan Center… Yokozuna – Shawn Michaels – The Undertaker… wow… 700 episodes of greatness.
“Not so much” – Eric
So in the back – Rosie sitting crying.. above her.. Ron Simmons… ‘Damn’ and then he shakes his head, obviously thinking ‘How the hell did I get myself here’
So also in the audience. Vladimir Kozlov with Lawler. Yep yep yep yep…
“Booo! He has an accent! Booo!! U-S-A! U-S-A!” – Insyder DarkStar
We also see our first ‘I love double double E’ sign.
In the back…. Eugene meets Khali. The end.
“So Eugene is a nice tard again? Aww man…i’ve resorted to commenting on Eugene” – Insyder soak1313
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:53
Khali is here… and Armando is at the table. Maybe Eric’s prediction will be right.
THE GREAT KHALI vs. JOHN CENA
As a note… it’s 10:59….
Cena’s music hits.
11:01 – Match starts.
Cena is jogging around Khali.
“Come on, you’ve seen Princess Bride… you know what to do.” – Jeffrey
“He doesn’t even have a rock.” – Bill
Khali throws Cena out of the ring…. he screams.
“I DUDDITZ!” – Me
Cena goes to slam Khali, dumbly.. gets hammered into the back. Cena grabs a chair from Armando and hits Khali with it. The end.
WINNER: THE GREAT KHALI
“He’s an ENT!” – Bill
11:03 – ..woo..
Now after Khali has left – in runs Armando. Armando makes vague gestures to the crowd and here comes Umaga..
“Killing three fans.” – Eric
“Hey. I. Thought. He. Had. The. Night. Off…” – Bill
Umaga goes and charges him. Spikes him. Welcome to the Royal Rumble.
So what did we think of the show?
“I have nothing. When they suck, I have nothing.” – Eric
“I so want Khali’s skeleton when he dies in the net five minutes.” – Bill
“I really liked the DX set-up tonight” – Jeffrey
“Promo was good. Outside of that… promo was good.” – Hernandez
“What show?” – Jenna
And that is that! We’ll see you next week.. maybe we’ll never have to see fake Donald and fake Rosie as Vince sat there with a TNA chant. That at least made me smile.