Last week after watching RAW, I couldn’t imagine that ECW would have been worse. I mean, what could be worse than watching Kevin Federline beat John Cena in a wrestling match. Then I watched ECW and saw Rob Van Dam and Bobby Lashley go to a no contest because Bobby Lashley couldn’t take a flying clothesline. Let’s see if this week can’t top the match that made St. Louis chant “TNA” and “We Want Wrestling!”: Rosie vs. The Donald. Supposedly this week we’ll get a rematch of last week’s main event, CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly and Tommy Dreamer vs. The Great Khali.
Updates are in italics
Show opens with a recap of last week’s shitty main event with the screwjob ending. Who got the screwjob? The viewing audience.
Let the Bodies Hit the Floor… in Peoria, IL.
We’re gonna start this week with ECW’s 3 man announce team of Tazz, Styles and the third wheel…. Brad Armstrong. We’re starting strong and all you ROH fans can stop watching ECW (hear me Glazer?) in about five minutes.
Hardcore Holly over CM Punk by Alabama Slam
Punk gets the upper hand to start, which is surprising. He’ also appears to have the strength advantage. Holly does the heel thing in lieu of early offense. CM Punk missing a plancha out of the ring draws an “ECW” chant. Holly takes control afterwards with a few headlocks and gets Punk worn down with a a few holds in the ropes.
Holly goes “high risk” on Punk by hitting a leg drop on CM Punk from the second turnbuckle. This sends us into a double count, we get to 6 and Punk and Holly begin to trade blows with Punk reversing a suplex with a knee to the head followed by hitting some nice knees and kicks on Holly. Punk’s momentum is ended with a dropkick by by Holly. A subpar one by holly’s standards. Holly throws Punk into the post followed by the Alabama Slam and thus ends CM Punks winning streak.
Remember this day. This is the day that Stephanie’s influence permeated into ECW.
Micky Hendrie tells Test that his match is next. Test isn’t okay being overlooked. He doesn’t have a chance to fight for the title tonight. As a matter of fact, Test says there will be no more match tonight because he’s got nothing left to prove. He might be God’s gift to ECW, but him taking the night off his his gift to me.
I just had my own question about how this could be worse than RAW. I just watched CM Punk lose to Hardcore Holly. Anyway, the Elijah Experience is in the ring. He talks about how he foretold the future by saying that he was going to beat FBI along with Terkay. I could have told him that too. As a matter of fact, I’m doubting that we’ll see any ECW original get knocked out.
Elijah starts talking about how he can knock anyone in the audience out. Cue the Sandman’s music. Beer bash kills some time before Sandman can get to the ring. Brad Armstrong is still at the announce table, taking the role of color commentary as it seems like Tazz and joey are sharing play by play.
Burke and Sandman start fighting, which turns into Sandman hitting Burke with the cane. Burke high tails it out of the ring, Sandman’s music hits and there are a few minutes of my life that I will never get back.
We get a recap video of The Great Khali. I get the assurance that the Great Khali leaves ECW after tonight, as they sent him to RAW to fill the spot of HHH. Good thing they both have equal star power, right?
The idea that the Great Khali is filling the spot of HHH is hysterical. It also reeks of a lack of direction. Yes, HHH’s injury probably derailed the Wrestlemania 23 main event, but using Khali for star power is like using Emanuel Louis for height.
The Great Khali over The Yonkers Brawler by Chokebomb
I like how Khali is simply announced as from “India” instead of a city and country. Daivari is at ringside with Khali, and maybe now that Khali is leaving ECW Daivari can get some screen and ring time.
Luckily for Khali, this match is under extreme rules. Otherwise he’s have to WRESTLE. To show how much the crowd hates Khali (and not in the good way) they’re actually CHANTING for the Yonkers Brawler. No one has given a shit about this guy for months and all of a sudden Peoria gives a crap about the brawler. the Brawler goes for a road sign and Khali punches it away.
Armstrong just called Khali “coordinated, mobile and agile.” Khali puts the nail in the coffin with his chokebomb.
RVD is backstage with Rebecca and looks ready to read his promo again. BOOOORING. He says that winning the ECW title was the highlight of his career. Funny, I would have thought that the TV title reign was the highlight.
Saying I don’t agree with the direction of the show is like saying that I don’t approve of what happened in the Holocaust. If you’re like me each week, you is brave enough to watch ECW spends an hour of their time frustrated to all hell.
Our Wrestlemania Recall is LT beating Bam Bam at Wrestlemania 11 in Hartford, CT. Let’s not bring up that Bam Bam was in ECW, shall we?
During the commercial break The Brawler attempted to get to his feet and walk out of the ring without help.
Thorn and Ariel make their way down to the ring. Ariel’s got a nice little goth plaid school girl outfit. “Very nice” as Borat would say. Thorn is out to beat Shannon Moore.
Kevin Thorn over Shannon Moore by The Dark Kiss
Why bother watching? Shannon Moore was wrestling. Thorn hangs Ariel upside down over Moore to say bye bye.
We get some video of Lashley getting ready for his title defense. Wonderful.
Styles claims that the fans demanded this rematch between Lashley and Rob Van Dam. I don’t know how many fans demanded this rematch. Well, if they’re paying attention to the fans, here are some demands.
1. Bring back Heyman
2. Let ECW stand on it’s own
3. Let the FBI win some god damn matches.
4. Get Lashley, Holly and Test off my show.
5. Build to a Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu Wrestlemania match for the ECW World Title.
6. Stop believing that Umaga or Khali are actually draws in the company.
We’re back and I’m not sure what the point of this is, but they spend a few minutes watching a video of Kelly Kelly. Apparently she’s returning to ECW next week. When did she leave? Remember, this is ECW, the fans need to be reminded of who is on the roster, or else they might forget and stop caring about the program.
Anyway, we’re on our way to the main event and we’re shown the video of the end of last week’s match approximately a million times. Styles tells us to look at the slow motion video to see RVD and Lashley’s heads into the barrier around the ring. Here’s what I saw: NEITHER OF THEIR HEADS TOUCHED THE FUCKING BARRIER.
Anyway, I guess this match is gonna happen. It’s 10:52 and this week’s main event starts at the same time as the main event last week.
Rob Van Dam over Bobby Lashley by DQ
Remember, Rob Van Dam is an ECW original, so he stands no chance to win the match, Lashley shows his lumbering strength at the beginning of the match with Rob Van Dam not getting much offense in. We get a standoff right before…
Commercials.
A demand added from Glazer would be:
1. “Don’t job out punk, the one new guy we like to Sparky f*cking Plugg.”
Think this show sucks as bad as I do? Let your opinions be known.
I gotta hand it to CaptainSpauling from last week…
WOO HOO…Mr. No Charishma Boring As Hell Himself…BLACK LESNAR! Yet 100 times more boring then Lesnar. I liked Brock.
Back and forth back and forth. Ever want to see RVD put a rest hold on someone? See his scissor hold mid way in the match. RVD gets control, but why? Why would they bother? they might as well announce him the loser when he walks down the ECW aisle and save us some time. Why not make Shannon Moore the #1 contender instead? It’ll save us all some time and maybe RVD can wrestle some good matches instead of attempting to bring this broom to a good match.
Lashley gets laid out outside the ring on the table by Lashley. Lashley moves as RVD goes for the spinning leg drop and RVD hits his hamstring pretty hard. Lashley brings him back into the ring to dominate some more and make us feel stupid for thinking that RVD had a shot.
Well… RVD wins the match because Test hit Lashley with a chair. This draws an “ECW” chant as well as a “You Suck” chant. Well, looks like Test managed to do me two favors tonight. He didn’t wrestle AND he prevented me from seeing RVD lose to Lashley again.
The Inside Pulse
Who thought that ECW could hit it out of the park two weeks in a row. And of course by “hit it out” I mean “bunt it” and “of the park” I mean “right back to the pitcher”. I mean, what can they do to make this show better at this point? Two words for you.
GENE SNITSKY
Wait, that’s not better. That’s worse!
