In Memoriam: Ando Momofuku. Without him, millions of college students would have starved.
In Memoriam II: Iwao Takamoto. Maybe I’d have a slightly better opinion if I hadn’t done the Joe Barbera obituary. Takamoto was one of the key people that Hanna and Barbera left the creative aspects of their company to, and under Takamoto’s watch, the company entered a creative tailspin, and I had to think about that when writing up the obit. But he did what he could. Sealab 2021 and Harvey Birdman fans in particular should honor him, because if he hadn’t turned Sealab 2020 and Devlin into such fodder for humor, we wouldn’t have the post-modern stuff.
(By the way, my obit is now part of the Barbera entry on Wikipedia. Thank you for whoever did that link. Now, if someone can do the entry on me so that Scooter doesn’t feel alone…)
Oh, boy, the moment I read that Bobby Petrino was bolting for the NFL, I knew that I’d have one Regular who’d need a bunch of Kleenex and some heavy-duty anti-depressants. It’s okay, CB, I’m here for you (although you have to admit that Steve Kragthorpe is a great consolation prize, or simply consolation). And I’m here for you too, Slick Rick, after Monday’s debacle concerning The Ohio State University. I promise not to giggle too much, but you know why I love to see any Ohio State fan in intense agony. To describe how much money Troy Smith left in Glendale requires numbers yet to be conceived. That being said, Greg Archuleta of the Albuquerque Journal is my new hero. He was the only AP poll voter with the balls to say, “Hey, there’s only one undefeated team left in America, so they’re the best.” Gotta love that Blue Turf LUV.
And I’m here for Daniels as well. Painful loss, although not as much pain as the Gayboys fans, damn their souls, suffered. However, Daniels and I have bonded due to shared hatred for the Gayboys, and he’s now on the Bears’ bandwagon. However, that may be tested if Philly beats Nawlins (the Bears beating the Seahawks is, of course, a given). Yes, they’re the Dirty Eagles, but supporting your division is a good surfactant.
Hey, at the beginning of January, a young man’s (and an old man’s) thoughts turn to football. What can I say? It was better watching the games than watching Vijay Appleby win a truly boring Mercedes. Yes, it’s now officially golf season, so I’m going to be prattling on. About what, I have no clue…oh, wait, Michelle Wie at the Sony Open this week, Tigger opening his season in a few weeks. Hey, there is stuff to talk about before the Masters this year, despite the move of the Players’ to May. When the FedEx Cup heats up, expect a lot of that from me, here and in Tailgate Crashers.
And, of course, let the speculation run rampant now that the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame inductees have been announced. REM (worthy inductee, but a first-time eligible always gets in, and the only real choices this year were REM and Duran Duran, and most voters would rather rip off sex organs than vote for Duran Duran) already said that Bill Berry will perform with them at the induction, so that cuts off one area of speculation. For Patti Smith and Grandmaster Flash, the only real question belongs to the voting panel: “What the f*ck took you so long?” The fun starts when we get to the Ronettes. Will Phil Spector show up? If so, what will Ronnie’s reaction be? It’s pretty much a choice between stab and shoot (if she can get past Phil’s omnipresent bodyguards/handlers/enablers). What Ike did to Tina was nothing compared to what Phil did to Ronnie, so she’s justified.
And now we come to the big sideshow of the evening. Van Halen, Van Hagar, Both, or None Of The Above? Does Michael Anthony make up with Eddie in time? Who’s going to end up touring with who? Was the induction a vote of support for Diamond Dave after his failure to replace Howard Stern? So many questions, and unlike the battles between Roger Waters and Pink Floyd and Jeff Lynne and ELO, none of this stuff ended up in court, which ended up preserving its unlimited entertainment value. The Waldorf may not survive this night. Be sure to stay tuned.
And, given my last name, I must comment about this. The resignation of Archbishop Wielgus leaves me disconcerted. It is very, very well-documented about how the KGB and its predecessor agencies infiltrated and controlled religious organizations in Russia, to the point where the Orthodox Church was virtually a branch office. When the Iron Curtain was dropped, they taught those techniques to their client organizations in the Eastern Bloc, including the UB/SB. Given the omnipresence and power of the Catholic Church in Poland, infiltration of the Church was given an incredibly high priority, and a huge portion of the priesthood was compromised into collaborating with internal security forces. It was literally a matter of survival, especially after the assassination of Jerzy Popieluszko in 1984. I don’t blame Wielgus for being compromised at all. However, the Poles aren’t willing to do so.
I think I prefer the attitude of Russians. The Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church has been proven to have been not only a KGB asset, but an active KGB agent, yet Russians seem to understand why this was so. The Poles don’t and the Church in general doesn’t, mostly because of the mythologizing behind the Church’s role in the resistance to Communism, from the arrest of Cardinal Wyszynski in 1953 to the critical parts played by the late Pope and Cardinal Glemp in the 1970s and 1980s. Wielgus’ admission of compromise threatened to destroy that myth, and, like all people, the Poles and the Church prefer the myth to reality. Shame on them. Maybe Wielgus could have played a critical role in the Poles coming to terms with a dark part of their past. For the most religious nation in Europe, the inability to express the Christian concepts of forgiveness and contrition is even darker.
Now on to the thrilling stuff…
THE PIMP SECTION
Due to problems with forwarding e-mail after the server move, I have to leave this note for Vin-Man here: do you really think it was fair to knock us all for the tag title match at NYR being a no-decision, especially given the circumstances behind making it that way?
You’d think that someone who was openly bisexual would have no problem in typing out the word “f*ck”, wouldn’t you, Bambers? Good old Bambi, Miss Sometimes-You-Feel-Like-A-Nut-Sometimes-You-Don’t.
Chris tries to explain his miserable performance in the Round Table. Never do that, Chris. I don’t.
Clark hands out his awards, but the real awards are here.
Price tries to explain away Boise State.
Ciprotti proves that spell checkers and grammar checkers are no replacement for a sound knowledge of the English language. “…birth in the Finals”, indeed, Phil. And you know I wouldn’t have seen that if it hadn’t been in the graph about the Bulls.
Congrats to your school, Bisman. But I’ll be more impressed once you start racking up Nobel wins.
Paul is stalking some singer chick, and can’t spell Hemingway’s name right either.
Morrison hands out awards to the quality funny books of the previous year.
Pusey covers a highly-hyped fight with full credit to himself.
Sutton proves that in an alternate universe dominated by Rocky, Two plus Three is greater than Five.
McCullar is pulling out that “Scorsese’s the best American director of all time” shit again. I thought I slapped him down enough the first time. This time I think I’ll f*ck with his mind instead: George Lucas is a better director than anyone from Noo Yawk . Take that, Mike.
And I’d have something of my own to pimp in DVD Lounge if SOMEONE GAVE ME FUCKING POSTING ACCESS TO THE SECTION LIKE I ASKED!
REVOLTING
Oh, what a traumatic night it was for those of us who hate Cena, in other words, those of us in our right minds. The amount of joy that would have been expressed had history (well, last year) repeated itself would have been off the charts. But, no, WWE decided to ruin our fun because actual wrestling fans don’t buy merch and don’t scream for the prick in high-pitched wails that get through to the television audience and cause the guys in the truck to get weekly audiometers to determine if enough damage has been done. Ah, but that’s at the end of this show. Let’s check what happened before that nightmare, shall we?
Seeing people with penises cheering for Jeffykins is very disconcerting. Go get a blood test and check your progesterone levels, won’t you? Actual males with actual working equipment should NOT be cheering for Jeffykins. Man Law. Given that, isn’t it weird that I was the only one to actually predict Jeffykins winning this match in the Round Table (okay, so Vinny did too, but he submitted his entries after the RT was posted and had his comments edited in, something he has a habit of doing, and couldn’t stand that I was the only one predicting this)? No, it isn’t. The Round Table is for predictions as to what will happen at the PPV. I felt there was no way in hell that Nitro was going to win this match, not out of any fanboyism of Jeffykins but of the firm conviction that WWE will try to reunite MNM on a more permanent basis. This will obviously happen on Smackdown due to the anemic tag scene there and Michael Hayes’ apparent reluctance to take the belts off Team Twink Porn and give them to a pair of aging but deserving Brits (could this be due to his experience as manager of the young, strapping Hardys way back when?). The Twinks have to drop the straps sometime. Why not to their old playmates?
No, I do not believe that they’re planning on reuniting the Faerie Princes on a permanent basis. They’re getting a lot of mileage out of both the OMEGA refugees (no, not Helms and Moore) as solo artists at this point, and they’re in their proper ecosystems as solo guys. Besides, when they reunite, it’s money due to the complete stupidity of the fanbase, and should be used for special occasions only, like Survivor Series. Or, for that matter, never, since there’s nothing special in WWE anymore, and it would help cut down on the amount of money I spend on Prilosec.
Cute little match, though, especially the ending spot (I can’t recall another cage match where someone crotched himself with the door). If there’s anything to get me going at the beginning of a PPV, it’s the prospect of Jeffykins actually going all the way and killing himself. A cage match is the perfect environment for that. But why disappoint me and have him not kill himself every time? You want me to keep watching, don’t you? Look how much free publicity I’ve given you over the past seven years (okay, seven years next month)?
Nitro’s furry boots get to go on a date with Jeffykins’ face
Let’s get another shot of those furry boots, okay?
And now for the Let’s Give The Boys A Payday Match, otherwise known as Tag Team Torture…Turmoil. Oh, heavens, why do they insist on doing things like this? Raw is building up a tag scene that’s actually credible. No, it’s not up to 1999-2000 levels, but it’s at least interesting, with some visually striking teams that have some ability (yes, even the Highlanders have some ability). But did anyone have any doubt the moment Lesbian Garcia announced that the winner would receive a title shot that Cryme Tyme would take it? But what do they do with that now? Can you imagine Edge and Orton jobbing to Cryme Time? That’s the only choice they have left thanks to circumstances. At least with an intact DX they still had a good way out. DX wins the straps, jobs them to Haas and Benjamin (remember, Michaels always makes Benjamin look like a million bucks, ergo credible), who then lose them to their fellow black people. But now? I just don’t see it happening. So, in other words, Raw has a reasonably strong and reasonably credible tag scene, but with no one strong enough or credible enough to take the straps away from the current holders. And you wonder why I go after “creative” so much.
Yeah, Charlie, it might be a good idea to avoid looking up
I’ve dealt with some pretty f*cked up concepts before, but this? Here’s a suggestion: let Nattie Neidhart hook up with them and call them the NAFTA Connection.
Okay, so Cade is big. We get it. Now shut up.
Every dad wants his boy to be just like him. In that respect, I was a disappointment to my father: I was smarter than him by the age of eight and by the age of ten refused to do anything resembling manual labor, preparing for my future. I would like My Illegitimate Son to be like me, but there’s few intellects like me in the world, and, well, he has to find his own way. If he wants to be like Ric Flair, or one of these days be Ric Flair, I won’t stop him. In fact, I’ll be proud if he tries to step into those gigantic footprints and attempt to make his own pedi-mark, and be even prouder if the footprint shows and stays. And thank you, Ric, for giving him that chance and showing him the path to enlightenment. Of course, if you beat the shit out of him and he goes back to the books, I wouldn’t mind that either.
Oh, my poor retinas…
My boy jumps for joy at the prospect of being in the same ring with Flair
The major problem with the women’s title match was not who went over (and right now Hevia’s working himself into a volcano for me saying that). It was the fact that it was too short and marred by the fact that every pair of tits on the roster had to run in. These are the two women on the Raw roster who can really wrestle (until Nattie arrives). Let them do so. This isn’t a cheesecake match. Didn’t Trish teach them a lesson about women who look great and can wrestle? They can attract an audience who can appreciate both facts. There’s no need to concentrate on the latter at the expense of the former. And if you don’t understand that, just wait until you get older and your testosterone count drops, like me. Then you’ll understand.
Victoria punches harder than James Toney
And then came the moment that changed everything about the WWE, at least in the short term. By scaling down the ego to a more human level, Trip has actually become more important to WWE than he was during any of his ten title reigns. The entire booking of the Raw end of Wrestlemania depended on Trip’s presence (which was not the case last year; anyone could have been in that title match against Cena given the fact that Cena was going over, although no one else could have come close to pulling off the Conan the Barbarian outfit). Who went into the title match, who went into the tag title match, possibly even who went into the Intercontinental Title match, all revolved around an active DX. Now that’s gone, as is Trip for four to six months. What the hell do they do now?
The tag title has now become a curse, as I said above. DX was an obvious fulcrum to use to elevate someone to world title threat, as they did for Jamalga. They would have also been able to enhance things at the IC level through six-man matches. Too many people say that DX went on too long. I say that those people are f*cking stupid. As long as DX has a use and as long as they remain popular (please look at merch sales, which cover both of those, and where DX has been doing business only rivaled by Cena), they’re a necessary item on a show that desires as much attention as a retarded child (more on that topic, both attention and retarded children, during the Raw Short Form). As the WWE Short Bus pulls on the Superhighway To Wrestlemania, it’s suddenly without its steering wheel.
Here’s a suggestion: they need a credible opponent for Cena for Wrestlemania. They suddenly have a rather experienced credible veteran available who knows how to headline WM in a title match, who has made Cena look good in the past, and who would have enough audience cred to dethrone Cena in a fashion in which the cretins would buy. But can he be turned heel? Who cares? And for mutiple reasons: 1) I think we all know that Shawn Michaels can play a credible heel by now and 2) even if he did turn heel, the audience would just end up booing Cena anyway (see Wrestlemania 18 (not X8, you stupid f*cks) for proof in re: two gentleman whose names I shall not mention). Michaels/Cena at Wrestlemania is a perfect match. And what puts the cherry on top is this little fact: what better way to say Fuck You to Hogan than by giving Michaels a fifth title win, same as the Goblin, at what’s supposed to be a Hogan love-in (okay, so I mentioned one of the two names I wasn’t going to)?
Now I’m not saying that Michaels should win the Rumble Match. Yes, it’s Raw’s year to win it, and, Jesus, could you imagine the pop Michaels would get from winning the Rumble in San Antonio? But, there are a number of guys on Smackdown who could use the bump of winning the Rumble. Hell, point out exactly how useless the Rumble Match is and give it someone from ECW (read: Punk). But we all know that WWE books for the cretins anyway, so, yeah, let Michaels win the Rumble Match (it’s the Year Of The Over-Forties, with Booker and Finlay being the favorites from Smackdown). With no Raw PPV between now and WM, let’s establish it and get it over with. Besides, then they could go with that goddamn Batista/UT match they so want to do. So, mark it down. Michaels wins the Rumble this year and goes on to face Cena at WM. They have to do something to reward him for the way he took over the situation to get Trip the hell out of there and on his way to his appointment with Dr. Andrews (not to mention making the Spanish Announce Table an early candidate for Best Comeback). The ref looked surprised when Michaels slugged him.
Do it, WWE. Do it, or damn your souls to Hell.
And here’s where it happened
It’s rare for the injured party to give the injury signal
Cena attempts to arrange his face into an impression of what Trip’s ligaments look like. Hey, a retard joke was too easy. Besides, I wouldn’t waste one on Cena.
Carly/Masters celebrated its one-year anniversary of…what exactly have they done in this feud? Anything? Well, I didn’t give a shit about it from the start. Glad to see that they’ve joined me.
(By the way, in case you’re wondering, we all submit our entries to the Round Table through PM in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum. No one knows what anyone else is going to write. That makes the juxtaposition between Fingers’ entry and mine for this match a little more amusing.)
Why can’t his ligaments give out too?
As for the booking for the title match, I only have one thing to say:
It’s brown trousers time
And so ends another shitty PPV. At least last year we had the excitement of Edge’s title win and the ensuing Live Sex Celebration to look forward to. Remember how that ended up? With Cena getting the goddamn belt back at the Rumble. We can’t even have nice moments any more to savor. Well, we can’t in WWE, and it’s getting that way in TNA as well. I hope that you’ll all be joining me here at Pessimism Central. I’ve abandoned Pissed-Off Central temporarily so that Bambi can use it. I’m glad that Murray’s taking a little time off to deal with RL issues. Between this PPV and Raw, Look On The Bright Side is a pretty empty platitude right now.
ANY OTHER NEWS?
Nope. It’s All Trip’s Knee, All The Time, and I discussed that earlier. So let’s just move on to what’s being called the worst Raw in a long time…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Jeffykins over My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, Swanton Bomb): Ah, my boy’s first singles title shot. It’s like your first car or your first hooker. And he acquitted himself well, despite the opponent and the dictates of Sports Entertainment. The only solace I can give him on his loss is that the pain in the balls from being hit by Flair is less than it would have been from that first hooker.
No, son, this is how he starts with everyone
Victoria and Melina Perez over MickieLexis LaJames and Maria Kanelis (Pinfall, Perez pins Kanelis, Extreme Makeover): Hmmm, you have two women who can wrestle and two women who can’t. So it’s only natural that the two women who can’t wrestle are involved in the pinfall. Plus, the pin was gained by a sad-looking variant/ripoff of the finisher of the most beloved woman wrestler of the last ten years. Well, maybe they’re wanting her to come out of retirement in indignation over Melina stealing her move. We can only hope.
They look like an ad for Chiquita
Fake!Donald Trump over Fake!Rosie O’Donnell (Pinfall, second-rope headbutt): For those of you who don’t read newsbreaks, the Fake Donald was played by Ace Steele, who, according to Aaron, is responsible for training CM Fuckin’ Punk back in ROH. He also was responsible for training Cunt Cabana, but I’ll forgive him for that. The Fake Rosie was played by an accomplished women’s wrestler, Kylie McLean. You know what would have been really funny? If they’d started the match and then gone ultra-technical (as technical as McLean could go, that is). Chain wrestling, bunches of near-falls, reversals, reversals of reversals, total catch-as-catch-can. I would have loved to have seen Ross call that.
That being said, I’m not going total negative on this like Bambi did. There are two positives to this match that she didn’t choose to acknowledge: 1) Vince now has it out of his system and 2) Fudgie the Whale exhibited better workrate than either guy in the main event.
Why has Benoit never tried hairspray?
Carly Colon over Chris Masters (Pinfall, backcracker): Oh, who cares?
Ten bucks she’s thinking of Kidman
Shad and JTG over GarriLance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (Pinfall, JTG pins Murdoch, rollup): The only amusement I could derive from this match was to think how Bill Watts would have booked it. Too bad Vince can’t do the same, not this close to MLK Day and not without the threat of NAACP protests.
If Cade is Big, Really Big, Television Doesn’t Do Him Justice Big, what does that make Shad?
The Great Khali over John Cena, Non-Title Match (DQ, Fun With Chairs): The only good thing I can say about this is that the match began exactly five minutes prior to the end of the show, so I knew the pain would be brief.
So why is Khali here? Simple, and it was so obvious that both Da Meltz and 1bullshit Junior mentioned it. They’re not convinced Wight’s going to be healthy enough to face Hogan at WM. They need A Giant, Any Giant to face Hogan. Khali is pretty much the only one they have left that’s going to be available. He’s not getting enough visibility on ECW, so therefore he gets moved to the flagship show. And so we’ve now had Khali inflicted on us on all three brands. Yay.
Uh…huh
Angle Developments:
Defining: What Osama means by “fluke”, Cena, is that you’re a flat-shaped invertebrate that attaches itself to various bodily organs to survive. This certainly explains Vince’s attraction to you.
Because I love to trigger nausea in my audience
One reason why I thank God we don’t have Carvel around here. We have Dove, we’ve always had Dove, and we’ll be damned if we allow East Coast bullshit around here. Marshall Field’s had a lousy Christmas due to them changing the name to Macy’s. So f*ck you, Carvel.
Which diva’s locker room? There are many on the Raw roster.
And that closes this out. I’ll be back for the rest of the Short Forms, then back again this weekend for another Round Table, this time for TNA’s thrillingly exciting January offering. I’ll just remove myself by saying that if you’re a white person, be as offensive to your darker-skinned bretheren as possible this week. That way, on Monday, maybe they can realize exactly why Dr. King deserves a hoilday. And to thank me for that advice, get me an iPhone.
