The Impact Short Form, 01.11.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

Hmmmm, Beckham…oh, it’s so tempting to go off on a screed. However, don’t we Americans, as a nation, have enough supercouples right now? Putting them in La-La-Land is like adding a bucket of water to the ocean. But the money, ah, that’s where people’s eyes will pop. What’s the odds some dumbass Noo Yawk sports columnist (or sports talk radio commentator, or sports talk radio caller) is going to write something like “A-Rod now gets a free pass since someone in sports is signed to a larger contract than him”?

Let’s look at the positives. With him making fifty mil a year, this obviously lessens the chance of a full-blown Spice Girls reunion because the ladies need the money. We’ll have a tabloid story within ten years about one of the kids being hopelessly cross-addicted to whatever’s fashionable in the 2010s. And since Los Angeles has been proven to be one of the leading causes of divorce in the US, we should see a headline like “Becks Has ‘Really Teeny Weeny’ Says Posh” within the next five years. All of this will increase the amount of attention given to soccer in the US, so much so that we can end up replacing Padilla and his hockey columns within the next two years.

So, this is a very good thing indeed, from any angle. Impact, though, isn’t, and that’s what I cover in this column. So let’s go to it…

Match Results:

Kurt Angle over Matt Bentley (Submission, AngleLock): With one cousin, a Match of the Year winner. With another cousin, curtain-jerking Impact. Thus has been the career trajectory of Kurt Angle over the last year and a half. Pity him.

There’s nothing like two grown men having a catfight

A. J. Styles, James Storm, and Chris Sabin over Christopher Daniels, Rhiyno, and Petey Williams (Pinfall, Styles pins Daniels, rollup): Normally, I hate for a PPV Pimp Match to turn into a clusterf*ck. Not with these guys. They all know how to do one in an entertaining fashion. And, let’s be honest, considering the events of Sunday, how many of you were a little queasy when A. J. faked the knee injury? Yeah, I thought so. Considering that this was taped prior to Sunday, it’s a wonderful bit of synchronicity for TNA.

“All right, everyone just calm down and pair up with your opponent on Sunday…”

Abyss over Tyson Tomko, Non-Title Match (DQ, Christian-ference): Tyson Tomko. In a main event match. Against a guy holding a world title belt. No. No. Does not compute. Does not compute. Does not…EMERGENCY REBOOT MODE ACTIVATED. MELTDOWN DAMPERS IN PLACE. REACTIVATION IN 5…4…3…2…1…

And we’re now back. Whew, that was close. Hey, at least we could derive some entertainment value from Joe and Angle f*cking around on the outside. And thank God the cameras stayed on them because…look, if there were more shots of what was going on inside the ring, everything from Madison to Peoria to Michigan City would be molten slag right now, unfit for human habitation for a thousand years, or until every single video source of this match disappeared from the Earth and the signals beamed into space were wiped out by a massive solar flare.

Abyss shows why he’s the superior man to Tomko: he doesn’t shave his armpits

Angle Developments:

Why I never went combat arms

Since Burchill’s getting repackaged in OVW right now, guess the gimmick’s up for grabs

And then the realization hit them that instead of f*cking around down in Orlando, they could have been in the Rumble match

Yeah, not much of a show as usual. Well, at least I get to make fun of the disaster the PPV will be this weekend. But before that, there’s still one more two-hour descent into Hell for me (I’ve already done my Round Table entries). If I survive it, I’ll see you then. If not, I’ll be back on Tuesday. Normally I resurrect on the third day, but I’m getting older now.