Memo to those people caught in the ice storm that’s blanketing the Midwest right now: ha ha, I’m not there anymore. I put up with one of those while I was living there. Glad I don’t have to deal with this one. Just bundle up and plan for indoor activities, like the Bears beating the Seahawks on Sunday night (which is when we’re going to get socked in here, hopefully not for long, since I’ve got things to do Monday afternoon). Or just masturbate your way through the weekend. I don’t give a shit, since I don’t have to deal with it.
But I do have to deal with Smackdown. Let’s see if they pulled off a miracle or not…
Number Two On Willside’s List Dave Fuckin’ Finlay versus Mattsy-Poo, Beat The Clock Match (Time-Limit Draw): Another reason why Dave Fuckin’ Finlay is godlike: he can make Mattsy-Poo mat wrestle and love it. And turn in a credible match to boot. Amazing, really. It isn’t enough that Finlay wrestles with technical excellence that would defy a man fifteen years younger, it’s that he’s having fun doing so, and communicates that to the audience. That’s the secret of his success. I really wouldn’t mind a world title reign, and I don’t think anyone else would at this point.
By the way, the “Hardy” chants were dubbed in in post-production. They were obviously canned, and no effort was made to match the acoustics of the arena. Can we be a little less blatant next time, please?
Finlay beats the last bit of masculinity out of Mattsy-Poo
Tatanka over Jimmy Yang (Pinfall, sidewalk slam): Wow, stiff as hell and given a lot of time to work the story. What an unexpected treat. Tatanka’s been going a bit downhill lately after putting together a series of surprisingly great matches, so this is a bit of a comeback for him. This one being pretty good wasn’t as much of a shock as when Tatanka and Grenier put together a three-and-a-half snowflaker a few months ago, but it was still a bit of a surprise. We shouldn’t have been surprised after their abbreviated but competitive match last week, but we weren’t sure if Chavis could go longer without blowing up. He didn’t, Yang was his usual house ablaze, and Smackdown has its first really good free TV match this year. Nice work, guys.
The highest you’ll ever see a redneck get without Oxycontin
FudgePacker over Our Lord and Savior (Pinfall, rollup with Chavito-ference): Okay, this makes up a little for the bad taste that’s still in my mouth after last week’s debacle of a main event. Long, good free TV match, and Benoit’s regained his ability to carry truly inferior opponents to superior matches. Good signs all around. Well, one bad sign, and that’s their continued push of FudgePacker. I blame you. Yes, you, the wrestling fan, for this. You’ve let me down so many times in regard to Flex and Wife-Beater, and now you’re doing it again with FudgePacker. You suck. You really do. People wonder why I hate my audience. Well, here’s an example. Stop cheering him, you stupid f*cks.
The blur on the left is Benoit. The blur on the right is meat.
Paul London and Brian Kendrick over Mister Regal and Mister Taylor, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, backslide): Certainly a case of opposites attract. One team of high-flyers, one team of ground-pounders. One team of fast movers, one team of methodical storytellers. One team of heterosexuals, one…no, I shan’t go there again (until the caption). However, Smackdown, you disappointed me. You were going so well on this show. First the surprising Tatanka/Yang match, then Benoit in a clinic, and now an extended-length tag match featuring terrific action, good psychology, and some nice wrestling. But then you blew it with the ending. Shame on you. No, Regal should not be beat clean, although a fluke move like a backslide is a decent half-measure. Besides, the belts are still on Team Twink Porn and Their Pet Beard, and that situation must change soon. Let’s say Royal Rumble in a rematch, shall we?
Taylor was slightly confused when Kendrick started moaning, “Rougher, rougher, ooh baby, give it to me”
Montel Vontavious Porter versus Vito, Beat The Clock Match (Time-Limit Draw): Another surprisingly hard-fought match. I knew Vito had it in him, being a bruiser of long standing, but I wasn’t sure Porter did. However, what does it say when you have to be carried in a match by Vito? I’m glad to see Porter’s not getting over. He’ll be headed to OVW within six months for repackaging, thus giving Burchill a slot to come back to.
Little-known secret: Vito starches his dresses
The Undertaker versus Mike Mizanin, Beat The Clock Match (Time-Limit Draw; FudgePacker wins the title shot): Well, they certainly finessed around prematurely making UT/DAVE, didn’t they? The interference here was surprisngly logical and decently executed. And this does mean that FudgePacker won’t win the Rumble Match, which has been a nightmare of mine. So, happy day, because the dictates of Sports Entertainment requires DAVE to beat the piss out of FudgePacker at the Rumble. At least there’s going to be one match to enjoy on that card.
Well, there’s the side dish taken care of. Now for the entree…
Nada. They’re prepping for the Rumble, and everything’s pretty much on hold until then.
That’s that for this week. Round Table should be up soon because Brashear’s putting it up early, so you’ll see my pearls of wisdom there too. Until Tuesday, have a good weekend, and stock up on salt and gravel.