Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic

This marks my 100th consecutive weekly column here on Pulse Wrestling. I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of my personal favorite moments from those 100, but first, there are some people I wish to thank

TODAY’S ISSUE: Highlights of a Hundred

First and foremost, thank you to our beloved Commander in Chief, Jonathan Widro. Wids read a single submission of mine and hired me on with no previous experience and no credentials. As great as that was, I was floored when he cut me loose with my own opinion column, allowing me to write whatever I wanted, week after week. When I first learned I’d been hired to the staff, I figured for sure I’d have to start out reviewing C shows online or something in order to make my bones. I’m honored and proud to have the opportunity Widro gave me.

Next, I’d like to thank my zone editors Matthew Michaels and Dan Hevia for being so helpful and making me feel at home. Fingers has been especially generous with his time and attention to my requests for information, and he even let me break a bit of news once before anyone else in the IWC. Thanks for everything, M2!

I’d also like to thank a few of my colleagues, like Sir Eric, the PK, Iain Burnside, and Douglas Smith for treating me like an equal, with respect and camaraderie. I’ve never really felt like the rookie, or the new kid on the block. Most importantly, I thank them for doing me the greatest service you could do for an aspiring writer. They’ve read my work, and provided me with feedback. Thank you, gentlemen. I truly appreciate that. To all the other writers and editors here on Inside Pulse, I’m a fan of a lot of your work. Keep up the outstanding effort!

I’d also like to thank Scott Keith, whose writing heavily influenced my own style, and made me love to read and write about wrestling. As excited as I was to write for a site where he still posts semi-regularly, he never responded to the lone e-mail I sent him many moons ago. Oh well

So what have I written about over the last 100 weeks? Long-time readers will recall that I’ve often written about serious issues that wrestling dabbled in, like religion, racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and terrorism. Let’s take a look at some of my favorite moments as a staff writer for Pulse Wrestling:

On RAW moving back to USA Network after years on Spike TV: “Poor Spike TV was reduced to flashing “We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulty” banners on the screen for brief moments in an attempt to counter WWE’s blatant shilling for their new home. Obviously, they were prepared for Vince’s shenanigans, but it’s a shame WWE couldn’t have ended their business relationship with Spike TV with their heads held high, like professionals. Instead, they acted exactly the way most people who look down their noses at our beloved sport expect wrestling people to act. They trashed the hotel room just before checking out, and gave the front desk an expired credit card to boot.”

On the Ultimate Warrior DVD: ”Was this treatment of the man and the character necessary? What has Warrior done lately to hurt WWE? Vince had nothing to fear from Warrior, since he’s not a threat to lead a new company to prosperity. There was no new buzz surrounding the former WWF champion, therefore no legitimate business reason (however underhanded it would have been anyway) to destroy the legend of a character Vince created years ago.

Plus, Warrior has been doing a fine job of burying himself over the last few years, with his psychotic rants online and his outlandish political speeches in public. There was no need for Vince to throw more dirt on the grave of Helwig’s sanity.”

On the “Immortal” Hulk Hogan at WM21: ”The thing that gets me is that no matter what damage that man has done to the business, no matter who he refused to put over properly, from Bret Hart in 1993 to Sting at Starrcade 97, EVERYBODY in the Staples Center was paying homage to Hogan like he’s a true icon in pro wrestling, and I submit that he is not.

The legendary 16-time world champ Ric Flair made it his DUTY to make his opponents look good throughout his career. Hulk Hogan made it his DUTY to make his opponents seem like they were below him. Mick Foley has used his fame to make others look stronger, including the Rock, HHH, and Randy Orton. Hogan has used his fame to try to make a new star too. Her name is Brooke Hogan.”

On McMahon’s use of religion: ”Spitting holy water? Speaking in a biblical style? Booking God in a tag team match? Pyro from the ring posts and fire on the entrance ramp? Walking on water? Claiming to be the lord of his own new religion? “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit Squad”? I’m sure Vince believes these are controversial statements that will entertain viewers, improve ratings, and garner mainstream publicity, but these segments have come off as stupid, unfunny, unoriginal, and disrespectful. I’m sure when Vince looks in the mirror he sees a maverick, a visionary who scoffs tradition and operates outside the system. All I see when I look at Vince is a desperate, angry, childish, spoiled brat.”

On WWE Films’ first offereing “See No Evil”: ”As for the movie itself, we start by reaching into the horror film plot cliché machine and yanking out “abusive parent twists child into a monster”. How original. Next, we add “teens just wanna’ have fun (by way of sex, drugs and rock-and-roll)”. Brilliant. Season with a few “false finale” teasers and top with “we can’t distinguish true fear from discomfort caused by a dirty, disgusting aura”, and what have you got? A boring waste of 85 minutes and $9.00, that’s what.”

On impossible odds for certain contenders: ”Why has pro wrestling booking become so transparent that only the greenest of marks could be glued to the screen during this main event match between Lethal and Jarrett? Why have promotions become so mired in formulaic writing that there was no reason to cheer for Lethal at all last Thursday night? They’ve taken a basic element of the show away from us fans. I’d have been so surprised if Lethal actually won the belt, I’d have had a conniption. And that’s unfortunate. I’d rather be a step behind the creative department instead of thinking to myself, “Yeah, like Lethal has ANY chance in Hell of beating Jarrett for the gold tonight.”

On wrestlers’ rights: ”At this point it might be appropriate to discuss the lack of unionization and representation pro wrestlers have in dealing with the promotions for which they perform as “independent contractors”. While I agree whole-heartedly that wrestlers should have unions, guaranteed medical coverage if/when they get hurt in that company’s ring, and full retirement packages, that’s not what this piece is about, so I’ll avoid that side-road by simply saying that these men and women literally risk their lives and their futures to entertain fans, make promoters money, and earn their own living. For that risk, they deserve fair treatment. ‘Nuff said.”

On realism: ”Not to mention that most referees seem to have jaws made not of glass but tissue paper. How hard do you have to get rammed in the shoulder for it to KNOCK YOU OUT? It’s such a lazy, overused booking shortcut. I wish promoters would come up with some new way for heels to cheat, or faces to seem like they should win, if only the ref wasn’t out cold.”

On Americana vs. Xenophobia: ”I was just a young cynic when I first saw Hacksaw Jim Duggan pumping his fist in the air and encouraging fans to chant the name of the country in which the matches were taking place, and I never really understood what made him the guy that embodied my native land.”

“Muhammad Hassan is an Arab-American, and a heel. He’s a heel because he complains a lot, and cheats to win. Yet, the reason he complains and cheats is that he feels unfairly discriminated against following the events of 9/11. Quite honestly, he started out his WWE career making valid points, and reasonable complaints about how closed-minded and cynical Americans were after the tragedy that day. Clearly, every American with ethnic or religious roots in the Middle East is NOT a terrorist, yet that’s how our nation responded for a while. I personally know decent American citizens whose co-workers and associates for years physically attacked them on 9/11, as if these people were secretly involved in terrorist activities the whole time we knew them! Absolutely absurd. That’s the reason I LOVE to hear crowds chant “USA” at Hassan – the character is from Michigan, idiots. Unfortunately, the Hassan character has de-evolved into Typical Foreign Heel #25, who plays on the xenophobic fears of typical proud Americans. Namely, he looks and talks different, and believes different things. Ooooh, scary!”

On Montreal: ”So during the match, amidst all manner of strange occurrences in and around the ring that night, Bret allowed himself to be placed into his own submission hold, the Sharpshooter, while trusted friend and referee Earl Hebner was “unconscious”. If you take a look at the last seconds of the match, you can clearly see Bret and Shawn reversing the hold as previously planned. Meanwhile Hebner made the fastest, most remarkable recovery in the history of the game, calling the Hitman’s “phantom” submission that nobody else heard, as Vince McMahon himself firmly elbowed the timekeeper in the ribs and ordered the match ended with the infamous, “ring the f*cking bell!” Shawn Michaels’ surprised facial expression was fairly convincing when the bell rang, but his performance wouldn’t stand up over time.”

On racism: ” I have absolutely no problem with grapplers having controversial and socially relevant issues with one another in the storylines. Those issues might cause a negative reaction in some fans, and I’m OK with that. The thing is, when treading dangerous waters regarding racial stereotypes or other inflammatory content, it should be done for a reason, not just because somebody thinks it’s funny. Why bring up tasteless content unless you plan to do something meaningful with it? The only answer is, because WWE is the market leader right now, and their jackass power base feels they can do whatever they want to do with their television shows, if only to entertain themselves. I can hear Vince telling his “creative department” something along the lines of, “Screw the fans, what are they gonna do, watch TNA?”

On ref bumps, from my very first column: “Sadly, it’s easy to ‘loose your illusion’ and stop being entertained when something SO blatantly ridiculous happens that it breaks the mirror. I hate when a planned ref bump happens too softly by mistake, and the poor ref has to lie there face-down for an eternity acting like he’s dying so the cheating can commence. Good pros will ad-lib a second bump, but it’s still a contrived distraction at best. I can believe a third man in the ring with two behemoths could get accidentally caught up in the action, but not twice in two minutes! I recognize the ref bump is a traditional and sometimes necessary tool, but after decades of producing wrestling shows, you’d think the bookers could come up with something, ANYTHING else to advance the storyline.”

Thank you all for reading. This has been a magnificent experience for me, and I look forward to writing my next 100

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

p.s. – The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Before you go, check out our Rasslin’ Roundtable for TNA’s Final Resolution, then compare our picks to PK’s Live Coverage to see how we did. Roundtable results are listed below.

IP Staff Roundtable Results for Final Resolution

Aaron Roundtable Champion! TIE
TNA Final Resolution (14 Jan 07): 6-2
Total: 60-40

Eric Szulczewski
TNA Final Resolution (14 Jan 07): 4-4
Total: 48-50

Matthew Michaels
TNA Final Resolution (14 Jan 07): 4-4
Total: 31-29

David Brashear
TNA Final Resolution (14 Jan 07): 4-4
Total: 22-17