Evening folks. Raw is here again. I think last week we hit bottom. The Rumble is coming soon and the E pulls it together between now and a month after Mania. I’m Tom Pandich, and I’ll keep it interesting hopefully.
Coach is in the ring and it’s time for a contract signing. Here comes Cena to start off Raw. Cena is here to sign a contract with the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga for the Royal Rumble. How is Umaga still the number one contender again? Typically if you lose a match against the champion, you’re not the number one contender anymore. Logic aside, Umaga tosses aside his chair so he’ll stand to sign the contract.
Coach tells Cena that the match will be a special match. Coach lets Estrada decide the match type. Estrada says Cena won on a fluke and that this match type doesn’t let fluke wins happen. Last Man Standing: Cena/Umaga. It’s a pretty good stip considering it hides the flaws of both men (though it almost guarentees big lug interferences). Cena brings logic into the conversation saying he’d have to be crazy to sign that type of contract against a monster. Crowd breaks into a Cena chant. Cena says he’s got two things to say. He is crazy (and signs the contract), and that he’s full of surprises. Cena jumps over the table and takes Umaga outside. Umaga shrugs Cena off, but he charges into the steel steps. Cena picks up the stairs and knocks out Umaga. Cena pops in the ring and FUs Estrada through the contract table. Umaga can’t see him as Cena exits and we go to commercial.
We’re back and it’s time for a mixed tag match.
Johnny Nitro and Melina vs Jeff Hardy and Maria
Maria looks pretty silly tonight. Huge Hardy chant starts off the match, but Nitro takes over with a few European uppercuts. Hardy switches things back around and Maria gets the tag in. Maria is all over Melina until Nitro kicks her from behind. Melina eventually gets dropped with a shitty looking hurricaneranna by Maria as a counter to a backbreaker. Hardy gets knocked off the apron only to come in hot. Hardy hits Whispers in the Wind and goes up top. Melina grabs his leg, but Maria stops her and sends her to floor. Nitro goes to stop Hardy with a superplex but gets pushed off. Swanton finishes it.
Winner: Hardy and Maria
In the back, Vince wants to talk to Trump, but the Donald won’t take his call. He’s eating.
We’re back and Edge and Randy are here. The DX music plays and then is followed by a flatline sound. Randy points out the joke and then describes where you may hear a flatline sound. It’s retarded. A mild you suck chant though. Orton explains that he teamed with Edge to take out DX for good, and proceeds to describe what type of match they’re going to have and who can’t help Shawn tonight. Orton keeps going and every moment of it is awful. Orton proceeds to head out (presumably to take out Shawn Michaels).
Edge says he’s ending Shawn’s career tonight. He then excuses himself to go to the back and they drag out Jim Duggan? Ok, Jim started his career in Lousville too. Edge one man Conchairtos Duggan while Randy fends off the refs. They head to the back to heat (lukewarm is a type of heat, right?).
Here comes Flair. Match time.
Ric Flair vs Kenny Dykstra
Flair starts things out with chop after chop after chop. Flair floats Kenny over with a hip toss in a side headlock. Kenny pops up and drop kicks Flair in his knee. Kenny hits a few blows to Flair’s leg and drops Flair with a suplex. Kenny locks in the Figure Four, but gets to the ropes. He tries another Figure Four only to have Flair counter. My computer goes into slow motion so the finish comes after Kenny rolls Flair up grabbing the tights and the ropes. The ref catches it. Flair rolls up Kenny for two and then pins him again with his feet on the ropes for the win.
Winner: Ric Flair
Ok, at this point my computer and DVR craps out. Here’s a brief listing of what happened the rest of the night.
-Vince makes fun of Trump again with Torrie Wilson as Miss USA. Carlito comes out to make the save only to be destroyed by the Great Khali.
-Mickey James beat Victoria in a pretty standard Divas match. Mickey James won it with a chick kick as she continues her tradition of wrestling in clothes that she could wear in public. Victoria in her bra and panties… so for her, not so much.
-Masters cuts a promo. Nobody cares. He has a Masterlock challenge with Ron Simmons, but Super Crazy breaks that up.
-Shelton Benjamin lost to JTG due to Shad-ference. JTG came out of a power bomb when Shad grabbed Shelton’s leg. JTG won with a roll up.
-Shawn is interviewed in the back about DX dying. He superkicks Todd Grisham to make certain that if DX is dying, they’re going out in a blaze of glory tonight.
-Triple H sans Creed music rehabs.
-Edge and Randy Orton get all of the DX signs from the audience and tear them up. That’s a way to get heel heat.
-Shawn wins by DQ as Edge brings in the chairs. Post match, Shawn sledges Edge and conchairtos Randy.
So next week hopefully there’ll be less technical difficulties. See you then.
Tags: Raw, WWE