WHERE ALL WRESTLERS
JOBBERS AND SUPERSTARS
EXTREMISTS AND DIVAS
UNITE UNDER ONE BANNER…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Now who is joining us on this – the birthday of Martin Luther King:
HERNANDEZ – He’s had a dream or two…
JENNA – She lives the dream…
BILL – Bill dreams about living…
ERIC – Dreams are frightened of him…
JEFFREY – His dreams are 80 proof…
DANI – She’s had fever dreams lately…
THE INSYDERS – The Forumers that dream of being in the Rabble…
And me, your Morpheus, James Hatton…
To the show…
First we get the Martin Luther King opener.
“So he only does this once a year right?” – Jeffrey
“Yeah, gives the black man a push.” – Eric
“It seems like a classy tribute for MLK, but we all know Crime Time will embarrass him in the end.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
So here comes a man who represents African-American culture better than any other wrestler on the roster. John Cena!
He gets to the ring and a table with Coach is all set-up. The number one contender coming down to the ring.. Umaga.
“How is he the number one contender… he lost?!” – Me
“How is he going to sign? Is Armando going to do it?” – Bill
“Who betta to choose what kind of match it’s going to be..” – Coach
“THEN KANYON!” – Bill
“Precisely” – Me
“Why doesn’t Khali get to choose?” – Eric
“Because then it’s going to be a Punjabi Prison match” – Bill
“Armando…” – Coach
“Oh.” – Me
So the match is going to be a Last Man Standing match.
“We haven’t seen that kind of match in awhile.. this should be disappointing” – Eric
So Armando signs – and now it’s Cena’s turn…
“You know, at least it’s not a main event contract signing” – Hernandez
So Cena says #1 – He’s JUST crazy enough to sign this thing…
And #2…
“I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!” – Bill
“Is that true?” – Hernandez
“Yeah, everything except the reading part…” – Me
“John Cena, You so CRAZY!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
So John clears the table and hits Umaga. They fight to the outside and Cena drops Umaga against the stairs. Now in runs Cena and gives the FU to Armando.
“That was hard.. Armando ways a buck ten.” – Hernandez
“Soaking wet and holding a brick” – Me
“And the brick ways a buck nine.” – Bill
Also what’s coming up is RKO vs. DX
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
Now though – it’s time for Johnny Nitro & Melina.
“I liked that the banner blocked her face.” – Eric
“You were looking at her face?” – Hernandez
“And last week Melina really exposed Maria..” – JR
“I love those two words together.. ‘exposed Maria’ – Me
JOHNNY NITRO & MARIA vs. JEFF HARDY vs. MARIA
Awwwww!
“He likes Acid.. she likes finger point.. a match made in heaven.” – Bill
“Think she got into his LSD?” – Hernandez
“…………what the f*ck is Maria doing?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Air humping a cat?” – Insyder Chuckles
Jeff and Nitro start it up – Nitro does the handplant leg drop. So Hardy pushes Nitro into the ropes and goes for the twist.. he ducks out of it and tags Maria now. In runs Melina and here we go.
Maria smashes Melina’s head to the top turnbuckle. She hits a bulldog. She tries to throw Melina to the ropes, reversed and Melina eats a boot. Maria seems surprised it works – but Nitro hits her in the back. Melina takes this time to wrap her on the ropes. Hot.
Melina drops Maria into a camel clutch. Maria fights out of it…. they get to their feet and Melina hits an eye gouge. Melina grabs her for a backbreaker and Maria spins her around for a rana… nice.
So Nitro gets the tag and runs in to push Hardy off the top rope. Maria gets caught by Nitro and she steps him on the toe and runs out for Hardy to run in. Hardy runs in and smashes Nitro. Hits the Whisper! Runs up top to the top… Melina tries to stop him – but Maria hits her… Nitro fights up to the top turnbuckle – eats a facedrop.
Hardy drops the Senton – The End.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY & MARIA
Now in the back – Coach and Vince are talking. Vince wants to talk to Donald Trump, so he grabs his cell and calls him up.. but Donald’s secretary apparently doesn’t know who is calling. Anyway – he doesn’t get ahold of him.
“So why doesn’t this suck?” – Dani
“Because they payoff MIGHT be good.” – Me
“What’s the payoff?” – Dani
“Well Vince and Donald will each sponser a wrestler to prove who is better.” – Me
“It has the potential to be cool… he should pick Marty Janetty.” – Hernandez
“HA – ONE MATCH MARTY.. Just kidding.. Your fired.” – Me
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:22
Here comes RKO.. Sporting brandy new named vests.
“HEY! …There’s nothing you can say.. You don’t know me!” – Bill
“… *CHOP* ….” – Hernandez
“Why are they wearing gas station attendent shirts?” – Eric
“If Orton’s gonna wear a vest for a promo it should be a rule that he has to wear pants too. He looks ridiculous.” – Insyder DarkStar
So they get to start talking when you hear the DX music….. with a flatline.
“Tazz’s music?” – Eric
Nice bit. Orton now tries to yell at everyone to shut up.
“Good god why do you have the mic again?” – Eric
So Orton continues to yell aimlessly..
“Why is he yelling at the ring?” – Eric
“He’s looking for the camera.” – Hernandez
So RKO leaves due to something he must check on backstage.
“Handbags..” – Hernandez
So Edge now talks… a breath of fresh air. He says tonight is going to be Shawn’s last match. He says there might be some wrestlers who want to help Shawn.. hold on.
So Edge heads into the back and they drag out Hacksaw Jim Duggan who is bleeding from the mouth.
“This is what happens to retards who don’t get fed.” – Hernandez
“Blood capsules?” – Eric
“They eat their own tongue?” – Bill
“DoN’T ThrOw Us AWwAay” – Hernandez
“I guess Flair was busy” – Insyder Soak1313
“Every time a conchairto rings, an angel tears it’s quad.” – Virgin Insyder chamberX
So they set Duggan up with a conchairto… So Dean Malenko and IRS come out with a bunch of refs to try and stop them. Edge and RKO leave…
“And now Rotundo is free to audit him.” – Me
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:33
Hey WOO! Ric is here.
“WOO!” – Bill
“Guess Flair wasn’t busy after all.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
Now though.. his opponent… umm.. Kenny again.
“The Nugget! The K & D are for Krispy and Deepfried!” – Hernandez
“Kenny deserves the Owen push… ooo..” – Friend of the Rabblecast ‘Eric Major’
RIC FLAIR vs. KENNY
Again..
Ric just chops the hell out of him. Drops him into a side headlock. Kenny gets out of it and hits a glancing dropkick on Ric’s thigh. He now begins working on Ric’s leg a bit. Hits a standing suplex for two.
Back to the leg and now sets up for the figure four… but he can’t get it locked in… FINALLY gets it!
“Ok.. admittedly, this match has psychology.” – Me
Ric hits the ropes – and Kenny goes for the leglock again, only to be booted out of the ring. He runs back in pissed off and eats some chops. Thrown to the ropes – Kenny eats a back bodydrop. More punches and chops and Kenny has got a pink ches.t Kenny finally throws Ric to the corner, but charges in for a quick elbow. Ric to the top now…
Dykstra runs up – eye gouge – and a bad double axe from Ric… He lifts up Kenny for the atomic drop! Ass over goes Kenny and a roll-up from Kenny – hand on the ropes… CAUGHT!
Ric rolls up Kenny… Hand on the tights. TWO COUNT.
Kenny rolls up – Rerolled by Ric – Leg on the top rope. RIC WINS!
WINNER: RIC FLAIR
“Hey, is Flair bleeding?” – Jeffrey
“No, he’s just excited.” – Hernandez
Nope, he’s bleeding.. small little cut on the back of his head. Oh well, it wouldn’t be a match without it.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44
In the back – Todd finds Shawn Michaels – and Todd wants to know about Hacksaw Jim Duggan…. Shawn apologizes to God for Jim Duggan getting hurt tonight. He’s only got one partner…
“MARTY?!?!?” – Eric
…Triple H. Ric catches up with Shawn, and he says he’ll be behind Shawn tonight.
“When did Flair turn into Odin?” – Jeffrey
“When he lost that eye, and that crow started hanging around him. It’s really just a vulture waiting it out.” – Me
In the back Coach and Vince are hanging more – and Coach wants to know why Vince wants to talk to Vince so badly. Vince reveals a letter from Donald he recieved. Apparently, Donald didn’t like Vince’s Donald/Rosie ‘skit’. Donald felt it was a poor attempt at comedic satire.
“Good to know Donald didn’t like it either..” – Me
So Vince is going to the ring now.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
Wrestlemania is 76 days away!
Now comes Vince… Vince grabs the mic and is already jibbering about Donald Trump. “Welcome to your 10 O Clock Spot” – Me
So Vince explains that Donald didn’t like last week’s show.
“This is Vince’s attempt at saving.” – Hernandez
So Vince actually lets us see a clip of last week’s travesty.
“I’m sure you’ll agree with me that that was brilliant..” – Vince
The crowd boos.
“So brilliant that we should take another look in slow motion” – Vince
We do. I’m starting to warm up to Vince’s reaction to this. It is saving, but it might work… So anyway, Vince explains that Donald asks his audience and gives them it. Vince on the otherhand, tells his audience and then they like it! Vince explains that he might have handled the Miss USA situation a little differently.
So here comes Miss USA.. which is in fact.. Torrie in a breasty green dress.
“Wave and smile!” – Vince
“BARK LIKE A DOG!” – Me
So Torrie reads some notes. “I am Miss USA and I’ve been a very bad girl. What can I do to make it up to you Mr. McMahon… America’s favorite billionaire.”
“BARK LIKE A DOG!” – Me
“My favorite billionaire is Steve Jobs.” – Dani
So this whole bit is stopped by Carlito! Vince is not happy with him interrupting him.
“Look, I know you are the boss and I’m taking a big risk by coming out here, but despite what you might think… You are not cool. That thing with Rosie and Donald last week was bad. Really bad. No… it sucked. This bit with week with Torrie, even though she does look beautiful… is beautiful. My uncle was right about you. You don’t know what these people want. If you did, you would realize that they wouldn’t want to see stupid skits. They don’t even want to see YOU. They want to see people fight.” – Carlito
“Hey! Wait a sec…” – Eric
“You think he recognizes he was aprt of a silly skit.” – Me
“I think that made it funnier.” – Dani
“Holy shit, Carlito is now the biggest face in history.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Vince strips his jacket and says if he wants to fight.. he can fight… KHALI!
CARLITO vs. KHALI
Not a match…
So as Carlito gets to the ropes – he gets headbutted. Carlito runs for the back elbow – he hits the second rope and is CLUBBED down. Ouch. Not a bad spot actually. So Khali stomps Carlito down. A throwing powerbomb. The end.
Vince now grabs the mic. “That was cool”
“Liar” – Eric
*Erik exits from the bathroom*
“Damn I saw some of it..” – Hernandez
“Carlito TRIED to save some of it…” – Me
“I heard it… damn” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
Here comes Mickie James! She looks chipper and adorable! Now here comes Victoria.
“Victoria owns a penis. I’m sure of it.” – Insyder Ellie
“She could sooooooooo own mine!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
VICTORIA vs. MICKEY JAMES
Chicks!
Victoria kicks the hell out of Mickey – throws her to the corner. Mickey leaps over Victoria and kicks her to the outside. Mickey throws Victoria into the ring and flips her over the top rope. She chases after Victoria and gets flipped to the outside.
Victoria now capitalizes by bringing her into the ring and they fight… to the point where Victoria hair throws her.
“SHE TOOK OUT A TUFT!” – Me
“Where?” – Hernandez
“The only place Mickie has hair.” – Me
“What.. she’s greek..” – Jenna
So Mickey goes for a kick, but Victoria grabs her leg and pulls it out making her give a split. Oopsie. Ouchie.
“Wow, that shut up the room.” – Hernandez
So Vic throws her to the corner and Mickie hits her ‘rana. She raises her hand up for the MickieFaction – but no – she instead eats a spinning black-hole-ish slam via Victoria.
Victoria goes for a kick – Mickie catches it with her dress. She ducks a clothesline and hits the Chick Kick. The End.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:20
We come back and Masters in the ring – talking about how he is going to win the Roal Rumble.
“The future of wrestling..” – Bill
He’s got a letter. The letter states that the Masterlock wasn’t officially broken in Iraq. His hand is shaking worse than Michael J Fox..
“Roids much?” – Hernandez
So he challenges someone from the back.
“DAMN!” ……YES! Ron Simmons!
“He’s winning it for MLK tonight.” – Me
Masters asks if anyone ELSE wants to take it… Masters then shoves him.
“Knocked the juice right out of him!” – Hernandez
Simmons takes a seat.
“At the FRONT Of the bus.. dammit.” – Hernandez
Masters takes his time, as always, to set it up. Dries off his hands.
“Afrosheen?” – Eric
“Soul Glo!” – Hernande
Masters locks it in.
“Use the power of Damn!” – Me
Simmons fighting it…… FIGHTING IT…… To his feet again. Annnnnd….
SuperCrazy runs in and dropkicks Masters – baseball slide – top rope – Moonsault!
If you look Simmons had almost broken it – Masters was holding onto his ears…
So Crazy leaves Simons standing above Masters… he waits for it long enough to build up the crowd… annnnd…. ‘DAMN!’
“Next week – he’ll have a new letter” – Bill
“He’ll just cross off Iraq and write ‘Last Week’ on it” – Eric
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30
The Wrestlemania Recall – Money In The Bank – Last Year – RVD Wins
In the back – Todd has some breaking news.. Ric Flair was knocked unconscious.
“That’s not hard to do.” – Eric
“Someone asked him the meaning of life.. he rebooted..” – Hernandez
YO YO YO! It’s Cryme Tyme.
This match though is just JTG. (He’s the shorter one) His opponent is Shelton Benjamin!
“Who is the other guy?” – Dani
“Ooooooo” – Hernandez
“Charlie Haas” – Me
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. JTG
Black on black violence
Shelton chops down JTG. Shelton goes for a suplex and JTG lands on his feet. Crossbody from Shelton. Picks up JTG and throws him to the corner. JTG jumps up but is caught. Spinebuster and hammerlock to the mat from Shelty. He fights JTG in the corner. JTG fights out of hte corner.
He gets reversed into the corner but hits his own back elbow. Then a solid dropkick. Two dropkicks. Hits the ropes and a CRUCIFIX! Shelton almost catches him, but JTG leaps off! Shelton hits him with a boot.. Ouchie.
Shelty picks up JTG for a huge powerbomb – BUT SHAD GRABS HIS LEG! JTG rolls him up for the win! Nice spot!
WINNER: JTG
“We have now seen all of RAW’s black guys in action and their one mexican. See Vince doesn’t hate minorites” – Insyder soak1313
Todd explains that Ric is on his way to a hospital…
“AKA – The Martini Lounge” – Me
So Shawn interrupts Todd. Shawn explains he is not going down alone. If DX is dying tonight… it’s going down in a blaze of glory.
“Cue Ricky Sambora..” – Hernandez
“His partner is Billy The Kid!” – Me
Todd eats a superkick. Shawn seems confused.
“Shawn.. that’s not Bret..” – Hernandez
“It’s not even Todd Pettingil” – Me
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:41
New Years Revolution..
“CUE THE CREED!” – Me
Trips talking about what happened to his knee.
“Stop doing main event spinebusters!” – Hernandez
“But it wasn’t the main event!” – Bill
“But when Trips does it, it’s a main event spinebuster” – Hernandez
“And that was his downfall..” – Bill
“NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT!” – Hernandez
So they show the X-Rays and the surgeon and all that..
“He’s on the set of House.” – Bill
Hey! You think you know me!
“They’re giving them 15 minutes!” – Eric
“And one more commercial break!” – Me
(The clock reads at 10:47)
Edge asks if we are READY… No seriously… ARE YOU READY!?!
“Hold your signs high!” – Edge
“Pray for my gay soul!” – Hernandez
“For the millions in attendence.. for Triple H watching from home. I got two words for you. Get em! Every DX sign you see… bring them to the ring, by order of Vince
McMahon” – Orton
So they do in fact take a bunch of their signs… which is an awesome heel bit!
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51
(We’re back at 10:54)
EDGE & ORTON vs. HBK
And someone else?
So we are waiting for Shawn… here comes the DX music…
Here comes Shawn – he comes in and starts clearing house. He throws out Edge.
“Superkicks the ref!” – Bill
He back bodydrops Randy – clothesline over the top! Shawn now goes out for Edge. Stiff chop to his chest.
“Just slap the new tattoo” – Eric
Shawn brings in Edge to the corner. STIFF chops. Stomps Edge now while Orton gets to his tag corner. Throws Edge to the counter corner and runs into a boot.
“Shawn… come on… that was easy!” – Hernandez
Edge now throws Shawn to the ropes. Neckbreaker from Shawn.
“Edge.. come on.. that was easy!” – Me
Edge gets a boot to Shawn and a tag to Orton. Big punches from Shawn. Throws him to the ropes. Orton goes for the dropkick and it’s a miss. Shawn leaps onto Orton and beats the hell out of him.
“Boxing him about the ears” – Bill
Orton in the corner now – a couple chops. Throws Orton to the ropes – reversed – Orton drops – Shawn leaps – Edge drops the top rope and out goes Shawn. He gets to his feet and a HUGE clothesline from Edge spins Shawn ass over head. Shawn might have bonked his head on something underneath the ring.
The Randy sucks chant begins now as Shawn and Edge are fighting it out in the corner. To the point where the ref pulls Edge away – only to have Randy run over and start it up. WHen the ref finally catches him – Edge is back over there doing it. Looks like they were trying to open Shawn the hard way.
Ref yells at Edge – and Shawn has gigged.
Tag to Orton now. BIG fist drops him. Another. Clothesline. Two count.
Inverted backbreaker from Randy. Tag to Edge. Beatings. Tag to Randy. He punches Shawn and Shawn beats on Shawn. Blood is trailing down his chest. Finally Shawn throws Randy to the corner and chops him. Throws him counter corner and is reversed. Shawn does the tree of woe flip spot and ends it with a clothesline to Randy. NICE!
Fantastic match so far!
Randy rolls to tag Edge. Shawn is stumbling around.. Edge waiting for the spear! Charges in… Shawn moves and Edge spears Randy!
Punches and chops between the two. Edge throws Shawn to the ropes! FLYING CROSS BODY
NIP UP!
“IT BURNS… the blood’s in my EYES!” – Hernandez
Inverted atomic drop. Punches Edge down. Bodyslam from Edge and now he’s crawling for the top turnbuckle. Shawn is wearing a full crimson mask now. He gets to the top…. HE HITS THE ELBOW!
Shawn gets to his feet, he’s Jesus’ing up!
J – E – S – Runs in and Thesz Presses Randy! Shawn turns and SPEAR from Edge!
All three men dead in the ring. (11:04)
Edge heads out, grabbing two chairs.
While Edge is setting up the chairs.. the ref calls for the bell.. why, we don’t know.
Edge sets up the one man conchairto!
He sets it up and Shawn KICKS UPWARDS, Edge eats a chair to the face. He walks around and drop toehold to Orton on the chair. He lowblows Edge. He lowblows Randy.
“Superkick to the junk!” – Hernandez
Shawn now heads outside. Under the ring… a sledgehammer!
“In loving memory” – Bill
“Hail Mary full of sledge forgive me for my sins” – Insyder soak1313
“And ye…Moses told his sons…taketh this sledgehammer for it shall bring you great help in the land of the Lord!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Shawn comes on in and, not even covering it like Hunter does.. he guts Edge with it, but headblows Randy.
“And Randy is back at Krispy Kreme eyes” – Bill
Now Shawn grabs a chair.
“PILLMANIZE EM!” – Hernande
He rolls Orton to the chair.
“Dude.. I took the sledge to the chair.. no no no.. please no…” – Me
Shawn sets it up and Edge is about to run at Shawn when he swings the chair – and Edge bails.
He raises the chair up.. annnnd….. EL KA-FUCKING-BONG on Randy’s head! Wow, what a shot.. looked damn good. So that is the end of the show….
“Pretty good show. I enjoyed it!” – Jeffrey
“*shrugs*”
“I don’t know… aren’t you just shocked that I stayed for an entire show..” – Dani
“I am” – Hernandez
“Me too” – Eric
“That is impressive.” – Bill
“The first hour and a half sucked.. the last half hour made up for it.” – Eric
“It was good. I wanted the God run in..” – Bill
“I wanted Marty.. Marty would have been better.” – Eric
“Better than God?” – Bill
“Yes, what kind of silly question is that.” – Eric
“Shaky show.. main event was pretty damn cool. I love classic HBK matches” – Hernandez
And I will say that tonight’s wrestling – actually made up for last week’s not wrestling. Once again, thanks again to the Insyders for adding to the show’s pinache and wackiness.
See you next week kids.
