I don’t have a MySpace. Go Bears. – CM Fuckin’ Punk on ecw.com
Okay, I officially now want to have your babies, Punk.
Lack of Tuesday? Simple: was out all day Monday at a job interview, then went to work, then crashed like a mofo and slept all day Tuesday, literally. However, I do plan on getting all of the Short Forms done. Obviously, I can’t deny you of your fix. That would be cruel, even for me. And speaking of cruel…
I have been granted a Gift Of The Gods. I am now inside of a one-week window where I can say anything offensive about Nawlins and Hurricane Katrina and not be criticized for bad taste or have people threaten Widro with sponsors’ boycotts (which actually happened during l’affaire Babs; JJ and Scooter can verify that), all in the name of Healthy Competition. It’s good to be a Chicagoan 4 Life and a sociopath. So, let’s go.
I can’t believe those cocksuckers are milking out this sympathy shit for this long. Goddamn, I’m sick and tired about hearing about Poor Little Nawlins and how they’re so brave to rebuild and resurrect their city. Nawlins is a high-rent drainage ditch inside of a malarial swamp that has nothing to recommend it except for some good bars and a total disregard for the type of morality that Bible-thumpers promulgate. It’s the type and location of a city that only the French would consider acceptable. As for the dead, they had three days’ warning that the shithammer would fall. If they didn’t get out, hell, that’s pruning by Mother Nature of the terminally stupid. “Oh, but they were poor, and couldn’t…” Big f*cking deal. I have as much sympathy for them as I do for the Somalis who didn’t have the f*cking sense to get out of their shambles of a country over the last fifteen years, in other words, none. And for a city to invest its entire civic pride and identity in the hands of a football team that ranks with the Cardinals on the futility scale is pathetic. No, we in Chicago admit that we live and die by the Bears, but our entire identity isn’t wrapped up with them. Hey, we did win a World Series in 2005. And the last time the aforementioned Cardinals won a championship? They played in Chicago.
So Nawlins can blow me. Given their habits, they’d do so willingly, but I’d have to watch out for oral herpes. Fuck ’em. And f*ck you, Don Banks. Are you forgetting where the game next Sunday is going to be played, you stupid cunt?
Damn, that felt good. And it’s even better that Noo Yawk is completely out after last week, which makes me wonder how Daniels has any motivation to write a football column. Poor baby. Notice he didn’t do a preview of this week’s games, just a recap (of three of them)? You’d at least have thought that the presence of The Queen Faggot Brady in Sunday’s late game might have prompted him to do something. Well, now that the Faggots have gone through, maybe he’ll do something for next week. If he can stop reading the obligatory Peter King blowjob column, that is.
Now I’m split. Obviously, it would be a credit to have an all-Midwest Super Bowl. But…destiny calls. Every twenty-one years or so, it happens for the Bears. 1963, 1985, and now this year. I was 21 when the Bears won their first Super Bowl. It’s been twenty-one years. 21 is a magic number, after all, unless you’re Jake Roberts or the dealer pulls it. Their first Super Bowl came against the Faggots. Their second should also come against the Faggots and totally destroy the myth of Brady forever. It must happen, and the Bears must do it. The final humiliation must come against the Beloved. So, therefore, I’ll root for the Faggots on Sunday against the Colts. It’s quite simple when you factor in everything.
So, with that covered and out of my system, let’s move on to the show…
Match Results:
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Matt Striker (Pinfall, backslide): Weird not to see the Vise involved in the decision, but, hey, anything to promote the career of Kelly Kelly, huh? They don’t want to push Punk because too many people backstage (read Anderson and some of the other road agents) think he’s not that great. But they can’t job him to death because, well, he’s over with the fans and Trip has given him the imprimatur. So, have him win by having the local femme bimbale flash her tits at his opponent. It’s a good middle ground that pacifies both sides. In the meantime, we have to live with it. Hell, we only watch this show. We don’t matter one whit.
“Playing leapfrog with the teacher” sounds kinda kinky
Monty Brown over Cassidy Riley (Submission, Fujiwara Arm-bar): Hold it, I don’t cover Xplosion…this IS ECW? Really? Oh, didn’t realize that for a second. I was expecting a Raven run-in, which, truth be told, would make this show more ECW than it’s ever been. Obviously, I’ll be ignoring the name change (and ignoring its more-than-whiffs of Mirko Cro Cop, including his new submission finisher). What do you expect when they mix French, German, and Cockney? By the way, guys, definitely reconsider the middle portion of this abomination. I don’t think that it’s appropriate for a company with a Wellness Policy to have a wrestler with a name that’s the AMEX ticker symbol for a pharmaceutical company.
Kudos to the crowd for the “Monty” and “TNA” chants, though. Nice work, guys.
It’s more of a disconnect to see Riley in ECW than it is Monty
Elijah Burke over Sandman (Pinfall, rollup): Bleh. Both of these guys could do better than this. Well, Sandman these days might not be able to, but…oh, hell, I’m just filling space here and you know it. So I’ll just end this now.
When Burke was told to be more like Danielson, he thought they said “Daniel-san”
Bobby Lashley over Rob Van Dam and Test, Triple Threat Title Match (Pinfall, Lashley pins Van Dam, running powerslam): Oh, typical Triple Threat Formula Match, and therefore nothing worth commenting over. Except for one thing, though: if this was really ECW and not faux, this would have been a Three-Way Dance. Shame on them for not even thinking about doing this.
Insert choker/smoker/toker Steve Miller-esque reference here
Angle Developments:
Nightmare Fodder: Anyone else believe that Kelly’s “dance partner” next week is going to be Big Dick Johnson? It’d be just like them to do that, you know.
There’s not many women around who’d go “Matt Striker? I’d hit that,” but Kelly’s a different kind of woman
They’ve managed to do something I thought impossible: insult my intelligence only using chyron
Every Thorn has its rose
That covers ECW. Now let’s see if I can keep it up with Impact (big doubt there, having read the spoilers) and Smackdown. See you sometime Friday for that mess.
