The Impact Short Form, 01.18.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

In Memoriam: Art Buchwald. Although I’m not of the kindly satirist school, I acknowledge not only his greatness but his influence. Sometimes you really can effectively satirize while keeping the knives in the drawer. Phenomenal writer, period.

I’ll save commentary on WWE’s cuts for Smackdown. Given the Independence Day Massacre, it’s probably not over just yet, and I could use the extra day to include comments on as many unemployed people as possible. Besides, this is supposed to be about TNA, where at least a few of these people will be debuting soon (if their no-competes were waived when they were). So, I’ll wait until they actually show up in TNA to start commenting about that. However, I will indulge in speculation about who’s coming there, but, again, that will wait until the Smackdown Short Form.

I will say one thing, though: for all you retards who wonder why Scotty Go Potty is still employed, remember that we were all asking that regarding Bob Holly during the previous, oh, three rounds of talent cuts. If WWE has a use for someone, or believes that the person may be of use, they’ll keep that person around given a sufficiently small downside. They got their use out of Holly. I’m sure they’ll think of something for Scotty to do. It’s not very often that you see a wrestler that’s one step above enhancement talent and is happy they’re there.

And screw the iPhone. I want an LG KE850 (well, if they ever put out one that’ll work in the US). This devil may not be able to wear Prada, but he can use one to call others.

Oh, well, on to Impact…

Match Results:

Homicide and Hotstuff Hernandez over the ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Uso de un Objeto Extranjero): It’s a little surprising, given that this is 2007 and all, that they’d kayfabe Konnan’s condition. Of course, TNA is the bastion of Old School. Plus, if they revealed the reason why Konnan’s out and what he’s enduring right now, it might give a little sympathy to Sheremetyevo, and they’re still under the delusion that the audience isn’t cheering for them. It’ll take them at least another three to four months to begin a face turn for them, and then have that take another six months to finish, given the evidence of what they did to AMW and the Naturals. In the meantime, though, we can cheer for our favorite Puerto Ricans in the peace and quiet of our homes and watch them beat the shit out of anyone who TNA puts in front of them.

The Bandana Of Death must be one of those lucha traditions I’ve never heard of

James Storm over Lance Hoyt (Pinfall, superkick): Oh, poor put-upon Lance Hoyt. How is one to prevail when he’s up against not only his opponent, but also a former WWE Cruiserweight Champion, the Only A. J. That Matters, and the Demon? This is so utterly, surrealistically bizarre that Fellini wouldn’t have touched it. All I know is that anyone trying to handle this needs lots and lots of drugs. Fortunately, I have some stockpiled that should do the trick for me. You? You’re f*cked.

That’s a little too close to Storm’s crotch for his comfort

Kurt Angle over A. J. Styles (Pinfall, Angle Slam on to chair): Way too short, way too clean. This is TNA. We expect A. J. to be a dominant figure. Being used in this fashion to pimp up Angle for his title match is a bit distasteful. But, we had to have time for that Main Event Promo featuring Sting that we were all on tenterhooks for, didn’t we? Yikes.

It’s just more serious when you go aerial

Angle Developments:

Seen it. And chant “RVD” all you want; his contract’s not up yet.

Sting finds out that Abyss really does have a creamy center underneath that hard shell

Next week, Impact’s on on Wednesday, so that means that instead of getting a break between ECW and Impact, I’ll get one between Impact and Smackdown, which, frankly, is much nicer because I can gear up for two straight hours of crap instead of having to gear up for three straight hours of crap. Sometimes it really is that fatiguing to have to do this. All you have to do is sit and watch. Yeah, you can make snarky comments about it, but then you’d have a temptation to put it up on some website, and that’d make you just like Hatton and his bunch of ‘tards. And you don’t want to be that, do you?