In Memoriam: Bam Bam Bigelow, obviously. I believe that Bam Bam was one of the most common “guilty pleasure” wrestlers among IWC veterans, including myself. He always brought so much to the table every time he wrestled. The only real bad things that can be said about him are that he was occasionally a jerk backstage and that he opened the floodgates to celebrities in the ring by being so damn good with Lawrence Taylor. Cause of death not mentioned? I think we all know that the cause of death was wrestling itself and its concomittant reliance for guys in that generation on drugs. In Bam Bam’s case, it was Hillbilly Heroin.
He was 45, which seems to be one of the lines of demarcation for wrestlers. Survive until you’re 45, and you have a chance at a good, long life. Bam Bam just didn’t beat the odds. It’s depressing, and troublesome for the guys approaching that age like Booker, Benoit, Tatanka (more about him later), Batista, Sabu, Van Dam, and even Wife-Beater. Okay, and me, considering the amount of meds I’ve stuck in my system over the years. Maybe there is something in the Wellness Policy other than PR value, and maybe it’ll help extend the lifespan of some of those guys (and the younger guys as well). But there’s this nagging feeling that Scott Bigelow traded off twenty years of his life for twenty years of doing what he loved. That’s a Faustian bargain that, personally, I’d have to think long and hard before committing to.
In Memoriam II: Denny Doherty. Here’s the sick part of this: I was contemplating suggesting a group column for Broken Dial the other day. The subject was simple: Which act in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would you turf out due to dubious qualifications, and which act would you substitute for them? My two choices for turf-out came down to The Mamas and the Papas and Blondie. If I’d chosen the first, I would have had a snarky line in there about how the two members who were actually nicknamed “Mama” and “Papa” were both dead and the two who weren’t were still alive. Now I feel guilty for even thinking this. However, I realize that if I had such power, it’d be Michelle Phillips who’d be dead, so that helps lessen the guilt.
And speaking of death, as of this writing, we’re up to an even dozen on the cut list. Some are easily explicable, some are not. I’ll try to go through some of them that I’m really, really wondering about:
Tatanka: This one I’m confused about. He’s been given a pretty strong mid-card push lately, enough to bring him into serious contention for the US title. He had a damn good match against Jimmy Yang just last week. His matches against Grenier were far beyond what anyone expected from either of them. And it’s the Year Of The Over-Forties as well. There’s something that we don’t know about here. Chris Chavis has a bit of a rep as a jerk, but they’ve kept bigger malcontents on the roster than him in the past. The only hypothesis I can venture is that his main supporter backstage might have been Lagana, and Hayes might not get along with him. In that case, why not just transfer him to ECW? His gimmick might make him a little difficult to fit in over there, but, for Christ’s sake, they have a vampire in the upper-mid-card on that show, so that’s no excuse. I’ll be shaking my head until Da Meltz gets the full story on this.
Jazz: With WWE screaming for women wrestlers to fill the void left by Stratus, why get rid of an accomplished wrestler, a former Women’s champion? “Well, they were cutting her husband” is not an excuse. Remember that during the Independence Day Massacre, they got rid of Billy Kidman and kept Torrie Wilson. Here’s the simple fact: they want women who can wrestle, but they want women who can wrestle and are attractive as well. Jazz is not the paragon of feminine beauty, and therefore not the type of woman wrestler they want. I’d like to see Bambi’s take on this view. If anyone would have something to say, it’s her.
Fortunately for Jazz, TNA is trying to come up with something resembling a women’s division, and it’s so far a refuge for WWE rejects. They’ve already got Gail Kim and Jacqueline beating the crap out of each other, Gayda’s going to be back from pregnancy leave any time, they could throw Hemme into the ring, and who knows if Traci Brooks can wrestle. So Jazz is a good fit down there. Plus they can always hire Rodney to be Xplosion filler like they turned Monty into.
Sylvester Terkay: Why is everyone surprised at this cut? Seriously, the gang in the Den Of Smelly Proles can’t figure this one out. Well, I can, so let me enlighten you yet again, you imbeciles. He moves like a log in the ring. He has the charisma of the aforementioned log. Burke’s job was to get him over; he ended up getting himself over instead. Their pet Russian that Jerry Jarrett brought to them is more over than Terkay, and he hasn’t been close to a ring yet. They just hired Monty Brown. Terkay was as useful as a condom in the Ellen DeGeneres School For Wayward Young Lesbians. If you think he should have stayed, then Vince has really brainwashed you into his way of thinking about Big Guys.
Tony Mamaluke: His job was safe until they started bringing the Faerie Princes, MNM, and La Res back together. After that, they suddenly had a tag team that no longer had a bolthole to either Raw or Smackdown. Guido’s an accomplished singles wrestler and has been with the company since ECW ran out of gas, so he can be moved back to Smackdown to take part in the fun and games surrounding the Cruiserweight title and who’s going to end Novocaine’s endless reign (and having Trinity with him will be helpful). Mamaluke, though, is really only known for taking one of the biggest king-hell bumps in the history of the sport. It’s sad to say that his best run was at the end of WCW. He might have been able to be moved to Smackdown for singles competition had it not been for the fact that they’re doing that with Daivari. So there was no place for him. If the X Division wasn’t so crowded now with guys who aren’t getting a chance, I’d say that TNA would be the best place for him. But given that nightmarish situation there, the indies are calling. Maybe Gabe should give him a call. I’d like to see a match between him and Jimmy Jacobs.
Ryan Reeves: Chalk up another winner for Tough Enough. It really makes you wonder how exactly they lucked into Johnny Nitro.
Gangrel: I’ll just echo what everyone else is saying: if he was thrown into ECW as the cult leader of the Fertig/Ariel “bite club”, he would have been over, especially if they’d kept his old entrance music (the old entrance would have been impossible given the ECW set design). My thought right now is that it’s been a pretty rough last few days for Luna Vachon. First her husband got cut, then her old friend Bam Bam passed away.
CW Anderson: I like him. He should have got Bob Holly’s push. But he does point out a trend of ECW Originals getting the axe. If Balls Mahoney survives the next few days, I’ll be in shock.
Ah, but now we have to deal with the people who are still employed. So let’s get on to Smackdown, shall we?
Match Results:
Mattsy-Poo over Joey Maskury (Pinfall, rollup): Ah, the Smackdown phase of the cross-promotion feud that should culminate in a Royal Rumble match for…well, for nothing. Neither team is competing for either of the tag straps, they were thrown into the ladder match because, supposedly, London, Kendrick, Regal, and Taylor didn’t have enough “star power”, and…oh, there’s no reason for this feud other than to torture me, simple as that. It always comes down to WWE making me miserable. You should know that by now.
Thank you mask man
Mister Regal, Mister Taylor, and Miss Porter over Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Vito (Pinfall, Porter pins Kendrick, brainbuster): There’s only one thing to say about this match: It’s Hepple-riffic! Decent twist on an old formula, but, please, dear God, give the straps to Regal and Taylor, quick. They blew this with the Mexicools, they blew it with London and Kendrick (by the time they got the titles, no one gave a shit). Let’s not do it a third time, okay? You’d think Michael Hayes, Mister Old School, would have an appreciation for these guys. Come on, folks, let’s get on the right page here, okay?
London needed a little help to change a blown bulb on the ceiling
Our Lord and Savior over Chavito, No-DQ US Title Match (Submission, Sharpshooter): Yet another in a series of great matches between these two, but, let’s face it, familiarity breeds contempt, and this series is starting to reach contempt level. The contempt is enhanced by the fact that they won’t put the f*cking strap on Chavito.
Could this qualify as attempted deicide?
Deuce and Domino over A Pair Of Jobbers (Pinfall, Domino pins one of the jobbers, Deuce kick to the face): I’m expecting a failure of Heart Throb proportions here. However, I’ll keep my judgment open for now.
Way to dis Laurel and Hardy, guys
Kane over Mike Mizanin (Pinfall, chokeslam): Unless Mizanin is turned into a JTTS and sacrificial lamb, we’ll have to be renaming X-Pac Heat after him. Jesus, everyone, from marks to complete and irredeemable smarts, hates this guy. Why is he inflicted on us? And why couldn’t Kane turn him into some sort of gooey paste?
Kane shows Trip how to do a knee drop without tearing a quad
FudgePacker over The Undertaker, World Title Shot Match (DQ, DAVE-ference): Since we’ve seen this shit too many times, here’s a screen cap from the real Match of the Year for 2006, Cyberwoman versus Pterodactyl:
And unlike either UT or FudgePacker, the pterodactyl sold the punch.
Angle Developments:
Not-So-Guilty Pleasure: I love FudgePacker opening promos. That’s because they lessen the amount of material that I have to watch by ten minutes. When I’m trying to fit these things in between work and sleep, that’s important.
Like he needs a reason
Okay, that’s it for this week’s fun. Rumble Week is next week, so stay tuned for more news on that, and more news on who won’t be in the Rumble Match after they get canned. Enjoy.
