The Long and Short Of It – Wisdom #2 of 6 (The Sunday Review)

Wisdom #2 of 6 (The Village That Walked Like A Woman)

Writer: Paul Cornell
Pencils: Trevor Hairsine
Inks: Paul Neary
Colours: Guru eFX
Letters: VC’s Joe Caramagna

The Long of It

Ah, Pete Wisdom. The Brit’s Choice British Superhero Award Winner for the last 2 decades.

Ah, Pete Wisdom. The Brit’s Choice British Superhero Award Winner for the last 2 decades. Of course they don’t actually have an awards ceremony as such, or any voting. Or any awards, come to think of it. It’s just in my head. But if they DID have such a thing, Pete Wisdom would win every year. I’d make sure of it. It would be like Florida all over again. Irrespective of who gets the most votes, Wisdom would win. He just behaves like any real British superhero would, with a “Fuck you” attitude and a snarky wit. And when he’s written by a British writer, who actually knows how British people speak (rather than a young Dick Van Dyke impersonator), he hardly ever uses words like “bloke”.

So as you can imagine, when I heard that they were giving Excalibur’s resident wanker his own mini-series written by a British writer of some renown in other fields, and that they were making it a MAX book, I was ecstatic. Well, as ecstatic as we snarky Brits can get. A sort of “Great. Something else I’ll have to spend money on. Fan-bloody-tastic.”. Which isn’t that far from the British version of disgust, outrage and horror (basically just tutting, sometimes as much as twice).

So why; I hear you ask through those secret microphones I’ve got hidden in your monitors; didn’t he review Issue #1? Because I couldn’t be arsed, and I had other things that I was supposed to review. Deal with it. I didn’t see any of you leaping up to review it! Bastards.

So we start with Issue 2. But does it live up to my expectations? Let me make this simple for you, in words of one syllable. THIS. BOOK. IS. FUCK. ING. A. And yes, ING is a word. If it wasn’t, I couldn’t possibly have written that. Just accept these things. Reading Wisdom is the comics equivalent of shagging Kate Beckinsale over the back of your settee, while watching Match of the Day on the telly, with a pint of bitter in one hand and a Cornish pastie in the other. Thoroughly British, and the perfect way to spend your time.

Just to get you up to speed with where we are, Wisdom is heading up a team working for MI-13 (the weirder equivalent of MI5 and MI6). His team consists of a foul-mouthed fairy dissident called Tink, John The Skrull (who’s basically a skrull that thinks he’s John Lennon), Captain Midlands (a miserable bastard ex-army type), and Maureen Raven, a clairsentient that Wisdom would really like to nail.

Unfortunately, he can’t nail Maureen, because in Issue #1 Tink’s dad only agreed to call of the fairy invasion of Earth if Wisdom married Tink. So now Pete’s shagging a fairy (not something you’d tell your mates down the pub). As he himself says when asked if Tink’s enjoying their arranged marriage ‘It’s “When Gnomes Attack” again if we don’t, so, you know.. we do.’

Sorry, another passing orgasm.

The writing is simply superb. The dialogue is incredibly funny, and the characters are all really well defined. I think that not only will I buy everything Paul Cornell writes in future, I’d shag him (if I felt that way about men, which I don’t. Just thought I should clear that up.). This issue involves Pantagruel, one of the giants of Britain, who were “put to sleep, and buried by the Celestials or the Asgardians. Someone like that.” Basically, she’s woken up, along with two guardians buried with her, and starts rampaging across the Wiltshire countryside. With a village on her head. And Pantagruel, this 200ft naked woman, has the power to really mess up your dreams; or in the case of a clairsentient like Maureen Raven, she can cause an endless stream of orgasms. “I resent.. Oh, wait.. Sorry, another passing orgasm. Life in the military, eh?”

The only way the team can stop Pantagruel’s rampage is to try and calm her down. And the only way they can do that is to convince her they’re on her side.

Maureen: “Can you truthfully tell her that?”
Wisdom: “With people falling into the sky out of their back gardens? No.”
Cap Midlands: “I can. She’s England. She’s been buried and overwritten and shat on. I’m not too PC to tell her she’s right.”

It’s funny cos it’s true.

This comic not only reads wonderfully, but it looks gorgeous as well.

And the art is superb as well. OK, Hairsine probably needs to realise that there are no trees in Britain five times as tall as a church, but when a village is on someone’s head then perspective can get a little fuzzy. On the whole, the pencils are great, with some fantastic facial expressions, the inks are well defined, and the colours are vivid. This comic not only reads wonderfully, but it looks gorgeous as well. It’s just a damn fine piece of work. And it makes me proud to be British.

One last thing before I give you the short of it, the scene where John The Skrull is recalling the break-up of the Skrull Beatles is just brilliant, and I feel the need to share it with you.

Skrull John: “This is Captain Boko of the Kree Liberation Army.”
Skrull George: “I’m going on a pilgrimage with the Dread Dormammu.”
Skrull Ringo: “Lads, I’ve found I like money and power.”
Skrull Paul: “I wonder how Gerry and the f*cking Skrull Pacemakers are doing.”

The Short of It

If you like books about a foul-mouthed sarcastic bastard that will really make you laugh, or if you’re at least half-British, then you must read this comic. If you don’t, Pete Wisdom will shag your mother. He probably already has anyway, but this way there’s a chance. This is the series I have always waited for. And if you don’t like it, piss off.

Grade: A- ½ If I’d actually reached orgasm, I would have given it the elusive A. Sadly, I didn’t. Ah well, I’d better go off for a wank then.