IN BAM BAM BIGELOW
LET’S HOPE VINCE DOES THE RIGHT THING
GOD KNOWS WE WON’T…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome once again to the wrestling show that wrestles with the wrestling that you wrestling afficianados wrestle with every wrassin frassin day. That’s right – for those who are just viewing the Rabble for the first time, this is the review show that commentates on the wrestling you love to watch.. or not watch..
Anyway, here are this week’s Rabbleteers:
JEFFREY – The Bartending Bulldoozer
MIKE – The Questing Bulldoozer
ASHLEY – The (probably quiet) Rabble-Virgin Bulldoozer
HERNANDEZ – The Native American Bulldoozer
JENNA – The Justiced Bulldoozer
ERIC – The PSP Playing Bulldoozer
BILL – The Silver Bulldoozer
…and your host, the Vociferous Bulldoozer, James Hatton, Me.
Also as always, the Inside Pulse forum will be joining us… The Insyders
So to start the show – we get the In Memorium screen of Bam Bam… Thanks Vince, that was five seconds of lost television. Right to the destruction of Hacksaw Jim Duggan.. yep.. thanks Vince.
Ok – so during the flashback of last week, when Shawn grabs the sledge, they show a flash of Trips.. that was good editing..
“Only an inanimate object belonging to Hs could get its own music.” – Insyder Wild Rover
Are You Ready? That’s what’s starting the show! Shawn groans into the mic..
“The return of Zombieeee!” – Bill
Shawn gets to the mic and says he felt something he hasn’t felt before.
“His virginity!” – Me
Shawn – the Showstopper – is back. He is going for the gold… he is taking his reborn passion and be damned the 29 other superstars that get in his way.
Nobody is going to stop him! He promises… —YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!
“HEY! You think you know me!” – Bill
Here’s Edge… and he’s going to stop Shawn… Shawn challenges him – and the brawl begins! Out into the audience they go. They’re seperated, but Shawn of course does the run in attack.
“He’s confused, that’s just a fan!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:11
We’re back and they are still kicking the shit out of each other in the backstage area… and through an entire.. wall of poles… Malenko, Rotundo, and Coach seperate them.
“Put em in solitary!” – Bill
“Over the top!” – Me
Right now is a Smackdown vs. Raw challenge match? Sure..
First, here comes Jeff Hardy.
Here comes Joey Mercury, with o course Melina and Johnny Nitro!
“Who’s the dude in the mask?” – Me
“That’s Mercury..” – Everyone
“Who knew he was still wrestling?!” – Me
“That guy’s face looks like an arse!” – Bill
“It reminds me of Brutus.” – Eric
HARDY vs. MERCURY
REVENGE!
“Why is this match happening?” – Bill
“He killed his brother.. prepare to die.” – Me
So Jeff vs. Mercury here. Jeff hits the ropes. Jeff goes for the jawbreaker, but Mercury kicks him in the gut. Nitro goes and pulls away the mats.
The ref bails out and throws out Nitro and Melina!
Back in the ring, Mercury slams down on Hardy and right into the chinlock.
Hardy gets up out of it and a crossbody. He hits the whisper in the wind. Kick in the face. The end.
“Wow, way to miss that whisper in the wind..” – Eric
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
In the back, Vince is reading papers… Coach runs into the back and explains the Shawn & Edge scenerio. He wants to throw them out of the arena. Vince would put them in the ring.. duh… ‘In That Very Ring’ – Streetfight.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
Here comes Vinnie Mac. He’s got Coach in tow.
He grabs the mic and discusses the letter Donald sent to him. This week, he’s reading the letter he wrote to Donald.
“Dear Donald – Fuck off” – Eric
Vince reads the letter… makes fun of Lafayette.
“Where’s Lafayette?” – Mike
“Louisiana, that’s why the first four rows are underwater.. HA!” – Me
Vince declares that people watch TV to see HIM.
“And there is the most honest think he’s ever said.” – Me
Vince makes Raw the #1 television show in all of cable.
“Of cable land!” – Bill
He blames his debonair attitude.. his charisma..
“His genetic jackhammer?” – Hernandez
“..mention the grapefruits.. mention the grapefruits..” – Me
Vince continues on about how much we love him.. gets an asshole chant.. gives an ‘idiot says what’ with a ‘What’ response.. and here comes John Cena!
John Cena comes out and calls Vince a ‘puss-bag’.
“That’ll be on a shirt in a week.” – Me
Cena says that Vince is obsessed with Trump. Vince and obsession don’t get along very well. See Vince vs. DX – that got his head stuffed up Big Show’s ass. Vince obsessed about starting his own football league.
“Why didn’t he mention Trish Stratus – Bark like a dawwwg” – Me
“Because she’s on another network.” – Eric
Cena makes some dick and hair jokes. Coach says Donald MAY have more money….
Vince says he’s got more everything than Donald.
“Kids?” – Mike
“Ex-Wives?” – Me
“Buildings?” – Bill (or Eric.. it was one of em..)
“Casinos?” – Kyle
Tonight, because Vince gets all pissy… Cena vs. Coach. A match as unusual as Carlito vs. Masters.
“COMING NEXT!” – Bill
“OK. Cena vs Coachman TONIGHT!!!!. I think Ron Simmons might have something to say about that.” – Insyder Wild Rover
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:37
And hey, Bill was right – here comes Chrith Maththerth!
“No wait, it’s Super Crazy tonight.. apparently it’s just Masters versus Mexicans” – Eric
“Ron Simmons is Mexican?” – Me
“Yes.” – Eric
“Damn!” – Me
CRITH MATHTHERTH vs. SUPER CRAZY
Stuff…
“Is it just me or is Masthers slowly reverting back to pre-suspension size?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
We get a corner talking promo! Neat. Anyway…
“I’m Super. I’m Crazy!” – Super Crazy
Crazy hits the ropes, does the wheelbarrow – Masters tries to throw him into the Masterlock. Crazy slips out – wheelbarrow into a reverse flapjack! Nice spot.
“That’s a standard lucha spot..” – Mike
“Yeah, but Masters didn’t f*ck it up” – Bill
Crazy to the ropes and a backbreaker! Right into the chinlock. Goes for the pin.. two count. Masters and Crazy now exchange blows. Masters continues to club him. Crazy fights out of it. Throws Masters to the ropes – reversed, but Crazy holds on and hits the back elbow. Masters misses a clothesline and eats a reverse heel and some flippin dropkicks!
Crazy charges in – gets tossed to the top apron – climbs up SNAPPING dropkick. Standing moonsault for two. Masters goes to the ropes as Crazy charges in and misses. Masters then gently slips in the Masterlock.. Crazy plants off the top turnbuckle! Masters pinned.
The end!
“Masters shoulder was up..” – Hernandez
“That ref is spanish.” – Mike
“How did the greatest wrestler of our generation lose?” – Bill
“Shades of Bret vs. Piper?” – Mike
WINNER: SUPER CRAZY
In the back – Coach and Vince bibble on about how rich Vince is.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:49
“So Stone Cold’s coming back..” – Mike
“What?” – Bill
“Huh?” – Me
In the back – Shawn is taping his hand. He’s already busted in the nose.
MARIA!!!!!! In the back with Kenny Dykstra.
“Nugget!” – Hernandez
Maria isn’t sure Kenny can win his match tonight… versus Carlito.
“He even SOUNDS like Owen Hart” – Mike
This year is apparently the year —
“Of the Dyke” – Bill & Hernandez
Also Edge in the backstage area. Randy shows up. Helluva make-up job. A sledgehammer shot to the face and he’s talking pretty good. A black eye. Randy feels Edge should have been there. Edge felt there was nothing he could do.
“Look, Rated RKO may be splitting up. About time…I mean they’ve been together what…at least a month and a half! TOO LONG DAMMITT!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Randy might show up during the streetfight.. we’ll see…
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:56
John Cena is here.. doing a shuffle two step to get to the ring.. strangely.
Here comes Coach… he can’t stop the match, but he can make him face another match first. So now he is going to send down wrestlers to face him. The match won’t begin til one man stands in the ring, via Royal Rumble Rules.
“Cue the tag teams!” – Mike
First – here comes Murdoch and Cade!
“Raw is Murdoch” – Insyder Wild Rover
CENA vs. EVERYONE
In they run – and Cena clotheslines both of them. He beats the down for a minute or two and finally they reverse him – hit a neckbreaker – the throw up legdrop and bring him to the corner.
Cena of course begins to fight them out.. beating on Cade – kicks Murdoch – hits the flying cross on Cade – two clotheslines – Blue Thunder. Goes for Murdoch. The FU to the outside of the ring. The You Can’t Feel This on Cade.
Here comes The Worlds Greatest Tag Team!
Shelton flying crossbody’s him and now we have Shelton – Haas – Cade all beating on Cena… and here comes Viscera in his white jammies!!
“He just woke up” – Hernandez
“I tried to think of something that wouldn’t hurt us..” – Bill
They hold Cena down and Viscera splashes him. Now here comes Khali! Khali goes and hits Shelton! Hits Haas! Hits Cade!
“Which one of you is John Cena!?!?” – Bill
Khali clears house of the ring – and Viscera tries to face to face him. One punch drops Visc… Visc hits the ropes… eats a boot.
“Khali is over?!?!” – Mike
Khali stands victorious in the ring – and Cena throws a crossbody at him from the top rope. Khali stands victorious and hurls Cena to the outside… Khali wins!
WINNER: THE GREAT KHALI
Now it’s Coach’s turn… first though Khali throws Cena into the steps a few times.
CENA vs. COACH
Umaga-Ference?
Coach runs in. Goes for the pin. Gets two.
Cena fights to his feet.
“He’s done so many things Undertaker couldn’t.” – Mike
“Just tonight..” – Eric
In runs Umaga. Black hole slam.
In comes a table with Coach and Armando. They set Cena on it gingerly. Umaga to the top.
“OH SHIT A HIGH RISK MANUEVER!?!” – Bill
Flying splash…
Armando counts out the ten… just to prove it. The end.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:11
We’re back – and Cena’s still in the ring. He stumbles around.
“Stop falling! You are make this relaly difficult.” – Hernandez
Lawler and JR try and sell the ‘Cena is injured’ bit…
Now it’s time for new nose McGee!
Candice Michelle – looking better honestly. Even though she seems to have a strange amount of scrunchiness to her face.
Mickie James now as her tag team partner.. versus Victoria and Melina.
CANDICE & MICKEY vs. MELINA & VICTORIA
8 Breasts
Mickie starts in the ring with Melina. Lock up and Mickie flips her and a dropkick on Melina. Mickie then slaps some ass.. gets up and eats a boot to the gut. Melina throws her to the corner, but then eats the back elbow.
She then charges at Mickie, but eats a head scissors. Mickie hits the ropes and pulls her head pulled down by Victoria. Candice does a charge in!
Mickie eats pain on tags back and forht until finally Candice gets the hot tag with Victoria in the ring. A weak clothesline or two. Victoria eats a hair toss. A solid dropkick to Melina.. and then finally Victoria kicks Candice in the gut. She gets picked up for the Widow’s Peak – but Mickie runs in and a doubleteam hairpull. Mickie then charges Melina in the outside – and Candice misses a toprope spinkick… but whatever.
WINNER: CANDICE & MICKIE
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:23
Carlito’s here! With Torrie and her puppy.
Here comes Kenny Dykstra.. in his brand new pink tights.
“IT’S TIME FOR CHANGE!” – Me
KENNY vs. CARLITO
Pink Tights
Lock up – Kenny pushes Carlito to the corner, but Carlito switches it around, but Kenny rakes the eyes. Carlito then starts chopping up Kenny. Throws him to the ropes – reversed. Kick to Kenny’s gut and a solid clothesline. Dropkick. Throws Kenny to the corner – charges in and misses a leap. Hops to the second turnbuckle and gets SLAMMED down. Kenny does a couple armdrags and a lariat clothesline.
Now both on their feet. Kenny throws him to the ropes and hits a leaping back elbow for two. Chinlock spot. Carlito kicks him to the gut – hits a kneelift or two. Flying head scissors. Throws him to the ropes – reversed – and now Carlito hits the second rope elbow. Sunset flip from Carlito – Kenny drops for a two count. Reverse from Kenny. Hits the dropkick, pulls the tights. Three! Solid little match.
WINNER: KENNY
Cryme Tyme is here! They are making deals with Super Crazy with Eugene watching in the back.
“Minority Central: Black guys, a spanish guy, and a retard.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
They are selling Royal Rumble numbers… Crazy gets a good one for his money. Eugene also wants to buy a number. He has money crumpled up. They sell him #30… they trade him for #1… because Eugene is #1. His last bits of money comes out of his jock. Eww…
“So he’s #1 and #30?” – Hernandez
Finally Shad explains to JT that the numbers aren’t real at all.. neither is that Scream painting they just sold.
Enter Ron Simmons with ‘Scream’….. Damn. Ok, that was too stupidly f*cking funny.
THIS JUST IN: Cena apparently has a… wait for it… ruptured spleen.
“Most useless injury ever.” – Hernandez
In the back Shawn looks pissed as he’s walking.
“I love Shawn when he lost his smile” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:48
Here comes Edge. Here runs Shawn! Match begins
Shawn drops Edge and begins whipping him with his belt… thusly the jeans and boot match has begun.
EDGE vs. SHAWN
HARDCORE!
Shawn rolls out – grabs a trash can and EL CAN-BONG!
Shawn clotheslines Edge to the outside. Shawn looks angry. He does a flying leap off the top rope and Edge KA-SMACKO with the garbage lid… Nice
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:53
We’re back and there are stairs in the ring – Shawn’s bleeding – and Edge is on top.
Why is he bleeding – he took a bulldog on the stairs. They are fighting in the corner now and Edge gets the head of the game. He climbs to the top – grabs a ladder and pulls the ladder down dropping it onto Shawn.
Edge goes for the pin.. get’s two.
Onto their feet again – Edge drops Shawn with a big punch. Grabs the ladder and sets it between the two sets of stairs in the ring. Edge picks him up for a powerbomb, Shawn punches out of it and sits down onto Edge.
Shawn gets to his feet. Edge to his feet. Punch for punch. Finally Edge hits a kick to the gut, throws Shawn to the ropes and he throws the crossbody. Nip up!
“In jeans!” – Eric
Atomic drop. Big fist drops Edge. Shawn gets up to the corner…. he’s got a chain in his hands. Wraps it around his fist and begins slamming Edge into the turnbuckle.
Shawn now beating him with the chain. Closed fist… Edge is ripped open. Finally Edge slams him RIGHT onto the stairs.
Shawn now crawls up to the top turnbuckle.
“Here comes Randy.. he’s a bezerker..” – Me
No! Edge gets to his feet.
“Canadian Destroyer through the ladder?” – Kyle
“Your head would get stuck.” – Mike
They fight ot the top turnbuckle – they’re fighting for the suplex. Shawn fights out of it and hits the gutbuster!! Solid!! Good spot!
Shawn slowly climbs up to the top turnbuckle. HITS the elbow! Here it comes..
J – E – S – U – S – C – Hhh goes for the kick! Edge catches it, flips him out and tries to get him for the electric chair but can’t hold him up and Shawn lands on his neck.. Ouch! Now Edge is in the corner set-up for the Spear!
HE CHARGES…… SHAWN LEAPS ONTO HIM – THESZ PRESS!
Shawn grabs a chair – SWING AND A HIT!
Shawn sets him up for the conchairto! Chair is up….. RANDY BEHIND HIM! RKO!
Edge climbs over —- THREE COUNT!
WINNER: EDGE
Randy and Edge take a moment in the middle of the ring. Talk. Shake hands….. Randy throws Edge RIGHT OUT OF THE RING!
Now Randy sets Shawn onto the chair!
“Legend Killer time..” – Me
Wait – Ric Flair charges in.
“Testicular Claw!” – Hernandez
In the ring – Kenny takes out Flair – Carlito takes out Kenny.
“CLUSTERFUCK!” – Hernandez
“It’s that time of year again!” – Bill
Superkick to Kenny! Superkick to Carlito! Shawn goes nuts. And we fade out…
What did we think of the show?
“I enjoyed it.” – Kyle
“Fairly impressed, good set up for the Rumble.” – Eric
“Pretty good.” – Bill
“Not bursting with flavor, but it was… delicious.” – Hernandez
“Damn!” – Jenna
“It was a pretty good one, but I was too busy thinking of 008” – Mike
(For more on this, listen to the RabbleCast)
“*vague shrug*” – Ashley
