Oh, God…my Tuesday night/Wednesday morning/Wednesday afternoon was complete, utter hell, so much so that I went off in the DVD Lounge section of the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum, where everyone was waiting for me to make my claims for February DVD reviews. Sorry, guys, but you were the first ones in sight. Lack of sleep does that to people, and I’m not going to get any until I get home from work tomorrow morning. I have this feeling I’m going to make this a rather short night.
I was going to throw a short little riposte to Grutman in here, but then it got longer and longer and longer, so I decided to just write it up on its own and throw it into Moodspins. Check there for more fun and games. Besides, this will teach him to f*ck around with my In Memoria by being humiliatingly disrespectful to them. That’s my job, you little shit.
Oh, God, how to fill this lead-in? I mean, I already know what I’m going to do for the Smackdown Short Form lead-in, namely tell Widro in so many words and so many thrusts of logic that his assertion about the Undertaker and the Rumble is wishful thinking on his part (that’s called “being nice to the boss”; you KNOW how I normally undergo such a task). It’s either that or take up a whole lot of space in the Round Table. And I have no clue what I’m going to do for Impact, or when I’m going to do it. Damn Wednesday broadcast. Oh, God, I need sleep, and I’m not getting any. Shit.
Oh, well, maybe ECW can relax me. No, not by putting me to sleep, but by blanking out my thoughts to reach the perfect state of negation where my body calms down to the point where it’s like sleep, but without the REM state or dreaming or not being able to wake up and go to work. A sort of Zen state, you know. Plus, it’ll definitely make this column different from Blatt’s splenetic efforts. Geez, that sorta shocked me when Glazer declared his devotion to Blatt over me because Blatt was being meaner than I was. Well, I hope that Tuesday’s column proved to young Aaron that I can still bring it when necessary.
Just a little note: everyone knows that I do the Short Forms by downloading the shows and watching them on my computer. Given my work hours, it’s a necessity. For a long time, I’ve been using BSPlayer Pro to watch those shows. About two weeks ago, BSPlayer started f*cking up big-time (right after MS’s last updates, actually). I switched over to Zoom Player Pro and was having no problems until a couple of days ago, when that started f*cking up as well. I then decided to switch over to GOMPlayer, a freeware player with built-in codecs (although I still install a codec pack to handle other stuff). It’s got everything I need and seems to be working quite well. I definitely recommend it if, for some perverse reason, you’re still using Windows Media Player.
Let’s see what Dave and his fruitcakes have served up this week…
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Rob Van Dam over, in order of elimination, Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, and Kevin Fertig, Royal Rumble Over-The-Top Pimp Match: Meh. All the shows are doing it this week. After all, there’s no other way to pimp the Rumble other than to do Rumble-style matches, right?
Oh, God, Beulah’s cut Tommy off again
Hmmmmm…garlic, stake, cut head off, Rolling Thunder…damn, it is in there
Monty Brown over Wes Adams (Submission, Fujiwara arm-bar): Remember, kids, be sure to feed your pet monster a steady diet of scrawny white boy jobbers so that his coat remains shiny and his promo skills sharp. That’s your lesson for this week.
No, I’m still not used to the disconnect between face on screen and bug on left
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Elijah Burke (Pinfall, rollup): Technically solid, like you’d expect from these guys, but oddly heatless for a match of decent time. Dunno what was wrong there. Punk and Burke would seem to be two guys who’d mesh together nicely, but this just didn’t work on more than a surface level. A feud between them might be a nice idea, especially if opinions about Punk don’t change backstage.
No booze, no smokes, no drugs, and actively discourage masturbation in others. That’s straight-edge.
Bobby Lashley over Test, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, running powerslam): Do I really have to say “Who cares?” at this point? No one does. The problem is that I can’t figure out (and neither can Blatt) how to arrest the apathy toward the ECW title scene, which has spread to the whole brand. It needs something radical, a reinvention of itself, but the only person who can do that is Heyman, who they turfed. Poor, poor ECW. Maybe if it can survive until One-Night Stand, it’s got a chance.
I think anyone would have that reaction to being in the ring with Test
Angle Developments:
So ratings smell like fish?
Screw it, I really needed to sleep after I got home, and with Impact already in the pipeline, I’ll just go Double-Team like the old days…
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Jerry Lynn over Low Ki, Austin Aries, and Chris Sabin, who surprisingly has not changed his name to something that I would prefer to ignore (Pinfall, Lynn pins Sabin, rollup): The running time for Impact without commercials is 43 minutes. The opening bell for the first match of the night (not counting the whole Styles/Rhiyno thing) was at 18:49. Raw can get away with this. It’s a two-hour show. Not Impact.
Now, as to the match. Typical Fatal Four-Way with added X Division Goodness. It’s amazing what the X Division is capable of when Kevin Nash doesn’t have his fat fingers in the pie, huh? Finally good that TNA remembered that little fact.
How inspiring is Jerry Lynn? He makes Low Ki go more than 180 on his splits.
Christian over Christopher Daniels, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Unprettier) Wait a minute, Tenay and West are seated not ten feet from Samoa Joe, and they have to send Borash from backstage to go find out what Joe’s doing there? Jesus Christ, get off of your lazy asses, walk ten feet, and ask him. In the meantime, Christian’s trying to have a match with Daniels, a match that’s pretty damn sweet on paper, and all of this is happening. They tried, they really did, but the extracurriculars just choked the life out of the whole situation. Good technically, bleh otherwise.
“Oooooh, isn’t that Samoa Joe sitting over there?”
Angle Developments:
I don’t think I’ll comment on Sting’s revelation about Abyss. Remember, this was written by Russo. Besides, that’s turned Abyss face to me. I would have loved to have put three bullets into the back of my father’s head.
Well, he’d be better than West…
And Cornette thought a lot of strange shit went down in Smoky Mountain
Actually, A. J. should consider keeping this look. It’s pretty good for him.
It’s like a Disney version of the world’s tackiest brothel
And I’m already working on Smackdown as we speak, refuting Widro’s logic about UT winning the Rumble match. First Grut, now Widro. It’s a banner week for me, huh?
