Hatton is a ‘tard for saying that by taking the title stip away from the Rumble match, it negates the purpose of it. Remember, the Rumble Match hasn’t always had a title shot at WM on the line. It was originally a bragging rights match (which is why Duggan won it that first year). I’ve been advocating getting rid of the title stip for years in order to inject some mystery back into the Rumble match and to eliminate the temptation to f*ck up the whole soup at the most useless PPV of the year, No Way Out. It’s pretty much the only way to do so. So apparently Hatton’s company has finally rubbed off on him. Get away from them and get a new set of friends/sycophants.
And that provides the perfect introduction to this week’s Oh, God, How Do I Open The Smackdown Short Form? Segment. Why not talk about my justification for who’s going to win the Rumble match? Of course, if you’ve been reading me, you already know who I’ve picked. I talked myself into Shawn Michaels right after Trip’s injury, and I’ve found nothing to change my mind. And that brings me to Widro. Far be it from me to dismiss his role as Evangelist To The Retarded (and far be it from him to dismiss me, because I bring in TEH HITZ BAYBEE!!111!!11!!!), but he is so utterly wrong in his assertion that the Undertaker will win that he has to be smacked back into a semblance of reality. Let me explain how, in very simple terms so that he and you can understand.
First of all, two years ago, Raw won. Last year, Smackdown won. This year, it’s Raw’s turn. I’m sure you can understand that.
Widro’s main assertion is that, with DAVE/UT as a given (which it is), there would be a need for a face/heel main event from Raw for Wrestlemania. Bullshit. In this instance, face/heel isn’t relevant to the situation at all for two reasons. First of all, the booking. Widro thinks that DAVE/UT will be booked on a “respect” basis. No, it won’t, or it doesn’t have to. Put the entire focus on Title Versus Streak. That would leave Cena/Michaels to be booked as a Respect Match (or as a Passing Of The Torch Match). The ECW title match, which I’m going to assume will be Test versus CM Punk, can be a good old face-versus-heel thing.
Let’s say that this didn’t convince you and you’re still expecting a face/heel thing. That’s what Reason Number Two covers. I think that it would be obvious to most people who think (which is giving too much credit to certain people here) that Cena is going to get booed the f*ck out of Ford Field no matter who his opponent is. You can guaran-damn-tee it if his opponent is Michaels. So, therefore, you have a heel for the match. His name is John Cena. Deal.
DAVE/UT doesn’t need UT to win the Rumble match to happen like my dear boss Jonathan seems to think. Is he forgetting that there’s this little thing called No Way Out? Yes, it’s a Smackdown PPV. Yes, it’s been responsible for some f*cked-up moments in the history of Rumblemania (last year is a painfully fresh one). But with Raw winning the Rumble, this misbegotten PPV has the responsibility to set us up with Smackdown’s WM main event. So how can this be done? Oh, any number of ways which do not include a turn by either DAVE or UT. How about this one: Booker is still complaining about not getting his rematch with DAVE. He ends up complaining about this more and more, and, finally, Thaddeus has enough. Booker gets a deal: his title shot rematch will happen in the main event at Wrestlemania, if he can get through his opponent at No Way Out. If his opponent wins, he will get that title shot. And his opponent is…BONG! Booking so simple that even “creative” can do it. Hell, have Booker lose by Finlay interference so that we can have a Booker/Finlay match at WM in addition to DAVE/UT.
So, what other assertions by Widro can I tear down? Oh, yeah, his remark about Michaels winning being “overly obvious booking”. Jonathan, do you realize who you are talking about? WWE “creative” are the kings of overobvious booking. The Rumble, meanwhile, is the single biggest event of the year for overobvious booking, with the Rumble match being the most obvious of all. If Rey-Rey was such a surprise last year, how come half the people in the Round Table picked him to win? Two years ago, it was half-DAVE and half-Cena in the Round Table. Let’s see what this year’s picks are going to be. Half-Michaels, half-UT, anybody? So booking Michaels to win would be completely in character. Is it any wonder why someone leaked to Da Meltz that Michaels winning “wasn’t in their plans”? It is that obvious, and this is their attempt to stir up a little mystery among the smarks.
Oh, well, Wids, at least this column will focus on the show that UT’s on. Take that as consolation.
DAVE over Novocaine Helms, Non-Title Match Both Ways (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): How do you know you’re important? When a guy holding a title belt is on the other end of your squash. No merit, no need, and neither should be holding their respective straps.
It was an awkward time for DAVE to find out that the Wellness Program doesn’t cover vision
Our Lord and Savior over Mike Mizanin (Submission, crossface): You know, it’s quite simple to book this match. Triple Germans, flying headbutt, crossface, end. No more than one minute and a minimal amount of pain for us, the audience. They let this abortion run HOW long? Jesus Christ, just hire us as a group and give us the book, Steph. Maybe this way Michael Hayes can get a little self-respect back.
(And special thanks to Matt Knowles for sending me that pic. I’m going to have to figure out a way to properly use it.)
Yeah, I think we’re all agreed that this should stop, now
Douche and Dumbass over Adam Evans and Josh Robinson (Pinfall, Deuce pins Evans, boot to the face): So, let’s see, so far we’ve had the Cruiserweight Champion (I don’t like him, but you have to respect the title) turned into a jobber, a match that forces Chris Benoit to have to wrestle Mizanin, and now these two. And the sad part is that this is still the best show WWE has on the air.
Just a reminder: they did have breath mints back in the Fifties
Booker T over Dave Fuckin’ Finlay (DQ, Korderis’s Feelings Get Hurt): Okay, now I’m reminded why this is the best show WWE has on the air. Solid if slow match (they can both go faster; it’s almost as if they were told to eat up time for some reason). But it’s still a creditable effort by both. I’ve got Finlay in my Final Four for the Rumble match as Smackdown’s last survivor for a reason. The reason is that he’s f*cking great. But, hey, we all know that by now. That is, if you can tear yourself away from FudgePacker’s promos long enough to look.
How to treat a disloyal subject: kick him in the face
Joey Maskury, Johnny Nitro, and Melina Perez, together again on Smackdown, over Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Ashley Massaro, Mixed Tag In More Ways Than One Match (Pinfall, Mercury pins Kendrick, Snapshot): The four alleged males have been in the ring with each other so often that they’ve used up all the permutations. I think they’ve even used up this one, with a fill-in-the-bimbo for Massaro. At least they trust each other enough to go a little overboard, which is the only way to inject some excitement into this. What surprised me is that Melina trusted Ashley enough to put together a good catfight (beginning with a pretty nice spear from Massaro). Oh, well, it was tolerable, and there wasn’t a Hardy in sight.
Up in the air, junior birdmen…
Kane over Montel Vontavious Porter (DQ, Korderis Gets Pissy Again): Oh, damn, and I thought we were heading to the end of this feud. I’m rather tired right now and am starting to nod off, and this match didn’t help the situation. Oh, dear God, put an end to this feud, now.
The mating habits of the wild Kane are rarely captured on film
The Undertaker over, in order of elimination, Kane, Mike Mizanin, Booker T, Chris Benoit, Dave Finlay, and Montel Vontavious Porter, Over-The-Top-Rope Elimination Match: Goddamn, I’m now officially sick of these, enough so that there’s a disincentive to watch the actual Rumble match itself. And, sorry, Wids, but the UT thing here just proves that he’s not going to win the Rumble match. No one gets that big a pimp and goes on to success at the PPV.
“You may not have listened to anyone else, but you’re damn sure listening to me! SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP!”
And that closes this week up like a button. Stay tuned for this weekend’s Rumble Roundtable, our every-two-weeks-or-so chance for all us expert writers to make fools of ourselves, and stay tuned for the Rumble itself. I should be back on Tuesday with the fallout. Until then, enjoy, as best you can.