No time for intros, Doctor Jones. Just the e-mail link and we’re off:
WildRover gets the ball rolling by busting two of mine:
“You misunderstood a question in this weeks column. (im sure youve been told, but ill tell you anyway.) The question you answered about cages wasnt about cages. It was about the guard rail around the ring. Jesus, how much f*ckin whisky do you drink man!
Apart from that, good show as per.”
You’d be surprised at how much. Actually, I’ve gone teetotal from now until my birthday, which makes things interesting… in an especially uninteresting way.
And, yes, yes, yes, I didn’t read that question properly. Serves me right for having distractions, I suppose. So, to answer Robert Bethel’s actual question as best as I can without trawling through every WWF event from the period – sometime shortly after WrestleMania XIV.
Just to prove that I’m not the only one who can screw up:
Good times. I think the RKO on Jericho has to be the best one, purely for the sustained eagerness of young Randy on the second attempt. Randy-Randy-Randy, Randy-Randy-Randy, Randy Can’t Fail…
Next…
Ryan Rogatschnigg makes a welcome debut:
“Glad to have a regular Burnside column again, it’s an entertaining
read always.
Stampede Kid is currently Prairie Wrestling Alliance champion in
Edmonton AB until he goes to the bigs, his next match is upcoming. I
saw him tag with Harry before Harry was signed, they are both two
great wrestlers. Harry will wrestler circles around most of the
other young guys in WWE. http://pwawrestling.ca/
One criticism though. You answered a question about “WHEN EXACTLY
DID WWE/WWF GO FROM STEEL FENCE LIKE RAILINGS TO THE CURRENT BLACK
PADDED/FOAM RAILINGS THAT LINE THE RING AREA” with a response
regarding the steel cages. I think the question refers to the
guardrail that surrounds the ring, which at some point earlier this
decade went from guardrails to the black security barrier.
I have one question for you. A couple columns back you talked about
how ROH had found their niche and knew what to do with it, but TNA
was trying to be WWE instead of finding their niche. In your
opinion, what “niche” does TNA occupy?”
Cool, thanks for the Stamepe Kid information. Part of me hopes that since Survivor Series has been switched from Montreal to Miami they might just let sleeping dogs lie and put this potential Hart Foundation III on Smackdown rather than Raw. Another, wiser, unhappier, larger part of me pokes the other part in a painful, private place to correct it. WWE, particularly Vince McMahon, has an undeniable urge to wake up the sleeping dogs so they can go out and beat the dead horse some more. It seems to be Metaphor Day in Scotland today, in case you were wondering (and there’s a potential for market growth in the greeting cards industry). If they ever remembered the distinctions between brands for more than a week at a time then they might realise it makes more sense that way though. Smackdown should be the ‘legacy’ show, the one with one foot happily in the past, and legacy stars like Stampede Kid or Harry Smith, or even Carlito and Randy Orton, should be on that brand rather than the ‘progressive’ Raw. But, I digress.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the words of George W. Bush – “Make one mistake and pay for it the rest of your life.” Or was that Snoopy?
TNA has no specific niche to speak of because they are too busy trying to appeal to so many different audiences that none of their mini-directions can benefit the whole product. They could try and get the ROH audience on board by providing some quality wrestling on TV every week, but the quality matches are now PPV exclusives. The TV shows are geared towards getting the characters over in a hectic, slapdash manner that they hope might appeal to disgruntled WWE fans who cannot find what they are looking for on Raw, Smackdown or Tuesday Night Heat, which was the main reason Russo was brought back, but there’s just not enough star power to get those people to care and the production is decidedly second-rate anyway. Then there are the old NWA fans who largely went away and never returned once WCW went into terminal decline, but they’ve largely turned their back on them as well by relying on short bursts of gymnastic soap opera rather than classic ‘Southern’ booking – despite employing Jim Cornette and the NWA title belts. Finally, there are the UFC fans who value MMA more than pro-wrestling but might be expected to watch and maybe stick around since they’re on the same channel, although the big drawback is that they value pro-wrestling decidedly more than they value sports-entertainment.
In short, TNA’s niche is in limbo. I think it’s fair to say that the ROH, NWA and UFC audiences I mentioned potentially have a lot of common ground between them and that if TNA strived to satisfy them, then they might begin to carve out a stronger identity and build from there. Who knows, sticking with that might even win over some of the WWE livesofts (or whatever the opposite of a diehard might be called). It would certainly offer a better alternative than recycling a shit Kane storyline around the world title whilst rehashing Angle/Lesnar in the main event. Unfortunately, the management at TNA seems to be as haphazard as the booking, so I’d expect nothing to change anytime in the near future.
Next…
Malie pokes and prods but never pinches:
“Triple H’s quad injury is not on the same leg. He even said in his interview (haw) that it was the other leg.
The guy asking about the fencing outside the ring, got a completely different answer from you. You talked about steel cage stuff, he wanted to know about – and specifically pointed out – the black ringside retaining wall. Oi.
How long until Lita does Play Boy?”
Sweet Jeebus Sykes, I must have been out of it last week. I meant to say different leg, honestly. But it is definitely a genuine injury and not a conspiracy theory holiday, as the question implied. One must never take one’s Hs for granted.
Remember:
Jeremy Botter, your country needs you.
And Lita won’t be doing Playboy anytime soon. The only wrestling women who will appear in it will be WWE’s ‘finest’, usually around WrestleMania, since they seem to have an unspoken agreement about it. WWE gets publicity for their big show, Playboy gets the boost in sales from the horny WWE fans, and everybody wins except for TNA, who get Christy Hemme trying to act. Besides, I doubt that Lita would pose nude. Despite what you may have heard about her private life she has never seemed comfortable with sexual material in front of the camera.
Next…
Ryan Frank readies himself for Hammer Time:
“I’ve been watching some old Wrestlemania tapes, and had a question
about Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Watching his act, I see a ton of
resemblances to Ric Flair…the robes, the hairstyle, the initials on
the boots, the chops, the figure four leglock…hell, even the Flair
Flop (TM Scott Keith). The question is, was this an instance of a
wrestler using another wrestler’s gimmick as part of his own effort
to get over (as, for example, Hogan did with Superstar Billy Graham)
or was this meant as some sort of comment by WWF on Flair’s
character? Or, was it all just a coincidence?”
A few years after Greg Valentine started working the territories in the ’70s, his father Johnny Valentine was on the same plane as Ric Flair when it crashed in ’75. Greg had only just started wrestling under that name, with the nickname of The Hammer. Originally he had been Baby Face Nelson, then Johnny Fargo (winning the National Wrestling Federation Tag Team Titles with Don Fargo), and then briefly as Johnny Valentine Jr. Promoters feared that having Greg around would make Johnny seem too old and less marketable, so they were billed as brothers. However, in the plane crash Johnny broke his back just as Flair did. The only difference was that Flair managed to recover, while Johnny had to retire. The following year Greg started working in Mid-Atlantic, where Johnny had been working, and soon formed a tag team with none other than Flair. He had a considerable influence on Flair, who at that point was relatively inexperienced compared to Greg and no doubt lacked a certain confidence due to his injuries, and they both wore the robes, hit the chops and used the figure four. They won the NWA World Tag Team Titles twice and the Mid-Atlantic Tag Team Titles once, whilst having some intense matches against Ole & Gene Anderson. Valentine then had a brief soujourn to the WWWF in ’79 before returning to the NWA. By this time Flair was getting over as a popular singles star and so Valentine turned on him after they briefly reunited as a tag team, legitimately breaking Flair’s nose with a cane shot. They feuded over the United States Title in 1980, before Valentine moved onto his even more memorable feud with Roddy Piper.
So, basically, it wasn’t a deliberate attempt by either man to use the other to get over and neither did it have anything to do with the WWF. It was an exceptional convenience, which happened because of that plane crash. It’s great to have a question about Greg Valentine though, he’s one of the most oft-overlooked workers of the pre-MTV generation. And you can still book him!
Next…
wolfbaronxylo, if that is in fact his real name, comes in with:
“Right before the Moppy Angle, Perry Saturn killed (figuratively) a jobber on one of the weekend shows. Who was that guy, and do you know where I can find a clip of that match?”
I appreciate the way you added the word figuratively. It’s important to be precise about such matters – especially when Perry Saturn is involved. This was an incident from the 12th May 2001 episode of that weekend show with an altogether sensible name, Jakked, in which Saturn faced a jobber named Mike Bell. After Bell messed up an arm drag (how??) and Saturn landed on his head, ol’ Perry went Steinerocious and started kicking the shit out of Bell (figuratively) and chucking him into the stairs (literally). Saturn said he was groggy after the head bump and not deliberately doing a Holly and trying to teach the kid a lesson the hard way. He later apologised to Bell, who was used as a jobber for a few years afterwards without pissing anybody off. Afraid I couldn’t find a clip of it online so I guess if you’re determined to see it you’ll need to ask the internet very politely or speak to Jakked traders, which just sounds nasty. Moppy was born as a result of that incident actually, as management tried to punish Saturn by giving him a shitty gimmick. No word yet on how Mike Bell took the news of his bastard child’s heinous demise at the hands of Raven.
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Andrew Clarke:
“If a wrestler is two falls down in an iron man match, then wins a fall by TKO, rendering his opponent unable to continue, whats the verdict of the match.”
He would lose. Or the referee would throw the match out. Or they’d pause until the opponent could continue. Or the wrestler could pin him constantly until time run out. Or somebody could come in to take the opponent’s place. Whatever the booker wants to happen, basically. Interesting idea though. It might have made that Angle/Joe match a bit more palatable, although I generally find Iron Man Matches a waste of time – especially if they’re only half an hour long. That’s Tin Man territory. Besides, it makes no sense that such people could usually go a good twenty minutes without losing any falls, yet by the end of half an hour half a dozen or so have happened. The argument about losing one to get a chance to rest since there’s time to get one back makes no sense either, especially for Angle/Joe. These are meant to be the two proudest, fiercest, toughest fighters in the promotion, there’s no way in hell either of them should be tapping out so easily, so often. And would somebody please tell Angle to get a new submission finisher already?? Everyone knows the Ankle Lock means nothing in big matches unless a) he’s channelling the Power of the Straps and b) he’s got the legs locked as well. Plus, if he’s standing up, it really does just look like he’s trying to steal the other guy’s shoes.
Next…
Andrew Clarke pulls double-duty:
“On the forums theres a thread called ‘greatest piss off moments’ and several people mention Hogan V Sting from Starrcade 97. I have no idea what happened and whats so annoying, can you give a brief outline of the storyline and the match.”
Hogan/Sting tends to be regarded as one of those Bookmark of Doom moments, when WCW jumped the shark and so drowned. Other favourite contenders include Goldberg/Hogan, the Fingerpoke of Doom, and David Arquette. None of them helped but, as always, the truth is rather more complex. Instead of any one instance killing WCW off it was a combination of various factors, such as guaranteed contracts, creative control, bad management, lack of progression, self-harm booking, backstage politics and, crucially, Ted Turner losing power. Still, it was fun.
WCW had spent over a year revamping Sting and setting him up to be the one who dethroned Hogan and defeated the nWo. It was one of the few things that everybody pretty much agrees WCW did a good job with, and Sting’s continued assaults on the nWo were rather cool at the time. In the build-up to their big Starrcade ’97 match, which was successful enough to draw the biggest WCW PPV buyrate ever, they received another big boost when Bret Hart signed with the company after that little Montreal thing. Now, rather than simply having Sting destroy Hogan and go over him cleanly, the finish was to see nWo referee Nick Patrick do a fast-count so Hogan won the match, only for Bret, who was watching at ringside, to force a restart and then have Sting get the title. So far, so backward. Things got even worse when Nick Patrick did a regular count rather than a fast count, which immediately killed the crowd as they had just seen Sting get pinned cleanly. When Bret got on the mic as planned and started babbling on about screwjobs and the match was restarted, nobody knew what the hell was happening. Sting did beat Hogan after that as planned but it was a huge anti-climax.
Some conspiracy theorists have concocted elaborate tales of Hogan bribing or intimidating Patrick into messing up the fast count but don’t listen to such tinfoil-hatted fools. Hogan had creative control, started making a fuss about the finish in the build-up to the PPV, and somehow people settled on the deliberately confused ending with one eye cocked towards a second PPV pay-day. By the time that happened and Sting was inarguably the champion the momentum had been passed over to the WWF and Stone Cold.
Here the actual finish, in suitably shoddy quality:
Next…
Well, next you get to go and read other things. Here are a few suggestions:
Our Royal Rumble Roundtable is up. The PPV will have been and gone by the time you read this but feel free to go back and mock all that we got wrong. Plus, alliterative three-letter abbreviations make for super snazzy smiles.
Pulse Glazer conjures up an ROH equivalent for this year’s Royal Rumble entrants, as well as an in-depth look at one of the best ROH matches ever…
Scott Keith takes a second look at WrestleMania XI. You’ll voluntarily watch that again but won’t watch Smackdown?
Matthew Michaels covers the controversy surrounding C.M. Punk, which probably wouldn’t add up to much if it wasn’t for a load of jealous and horny guys backstage wanting to make out with Maria as well…
PK has the details on the debut episode of MTV’s Wrestling Society X, in which Sean Waltman gets himself yet another moniker.
And be sure to check out the Comics Nexus Awards before you make good geeks cry.
As ever, keep the questions coming in for the next edition, by which time I shall hopefully have been lucky enough to get some Pearl Jam tickets…
