MGF Presents The SMonday Swindle Sheet #142


Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.

This week’s edition is pretty damned chock full of news, as we continue our quest to establish ourselves as the InterWeb’s premier place for MUSIC NEWZ ENTERTAINMENT. SMondays will never be the same.

I’ve gotta say, though… I’m really enjoying having the entire weekend to compile and write this thing. I had previously used Friday nights to get it compiled, written, edited and posted, but now I can procrastinate and do it on Sunday, the most boring day of the week for me, which is good because it gives me something to do. Of course, next Sunday I will at some bar eating and drinking copious amounts of everything in sight while hopefully watching Brian Urlacher sacking the shit out of Peyton Manning and leading the Bears to a 77-0 Super Bowl shutout/blowout victory. Or, if not that, one can at least hope that Rex and the defense can simultaneously keep their heads out of their asses for at least one more game.


After replacing bassist Michael Anthony with his 15-year-old son, Wolfgang, Eddie Van Halen and his brother Alex are taking another shot at reuniting with singer David Lee Roth, who is quite arguably one of the biggest twats in all of music (albeit a rather talented one). Of course, back in 1996, it appeared as if this reunion was going to take place in the wake of the band’s Greatest Hits compilation, but after Roth acted like a douche at the MTV Video Music Awards, they 86ed that idea and instead went with Gary Cherone. Oops. The reunited band will be announcing a 40-date summer tour sometime soon, which will follow their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in March. For said induction ceremony, David Lee Roth has been implored to agree not to bring up Eddie’s hip surgery, and to leave his quarterstaff at home.

Rocker Ted Nugent responded to allegations that he had made slurs about non-English speakers during a performance at an inaugural gala on Jan. 16 for Texas Gov. Rick Perry, in an op-ed last Thursday for the Waco Tribune. In total defiance to the vicious lies and hateful allegations of ‘racism’ leveled at me by irresponsible, unprofessional and downright goofy media punks1, I never said a word about immigration or language, specifically not the alleged slam against … ‘non-English-speaking’ anyone,” Nugent wrote. “[That said], I will intensify my fight for a united America by demanding all Americans speak English.” Is it just me, or does that not make much sense? Oh well, it’s probably because I’m Mexican and I just haven’t fully grasped the English language. Serves me right.

Singer Brandy could be at fault in a fatal car accident that killed one motorist on Dec. 30, on Instate 405 outside of Los Angeles, and authorities are still investigating the incident, having recently ruling out any mechanical failure in her 2007 Land Rover. According to witnesses, the singer was driving the SUV at about 65 mph, and failed to stop as traffic in front of her slowed. She rear-ended a 2005 Toyota, which was being driven by 38-year-old Awatef Aboudihaj, sending it sideways and into a center divider, finally stopping in the opposite side of the highway in the midst of oncoming traffic, where it was struck by another car. Aboudihaj was brought to nearby Holy Cross Hospital and died the next day. Brandy readily admitted that she was at fault, and could be found criminally negligent after the investigation wraps up. This was a very close call for Brandy, and I’m goin’ there, all right… can you say “Moesha curse2“?

Speaking at the World Economic Forums in Davos, Switzerland, this past week, U2 frontman Bono asked the richer countries in the world to forgive all debts accrued by poor African nations, in an effort to fight African poverty. After the meeting, Japan admitted that it probably should have known that it wasn’t going to get paid for 250,000 Super Famicoms ordered by and shipped to Mozambique in 1991, while Norway is still pretty sore about losing $3 million in 2003 after agreeing to transfer the funds of a deposed warlord from a Nigerian bank and getting subsequently taken to the cleaners by Malik Abacha.

In order to ensure that their proposal to transfer funds is not complete bunko, these sons of a deposed Nigerian warlord were willing to write a supplied phrase on a poster board and pose for a picture in front of an incredibly low-budget tropical backdrop. That right there is commitment…

After having prevailed in a suit against Audi in 2000 after they hired a sound-alike for a car commercial, singer Tom Waits has once again come out on top in a lawsuit… against a car manufacturer… again (though this time it was Opel). For using one of his songs… again. And for hiring a sound-alike to re-sing it… again. Representatives for Waits told reporters on Thursday that he has settled the lawsuit against Opel, a part of the German division of General Motors. The singer later told reporters that he would be taking the undisclosed amount from the settlement and donating it to charity, adding, “I’m glad to be out of the car sales business once and for all.”

Electronic music pioneer Brian Eno revealed in a Friday interview with BBC Radio that he will be producing the new Coldplay album, which is scheduled to be released later in the year. He also mentioned that he and the band were trying very hard not to sound like the Talking Heads, as Eno has done previous work with them. Of course, this means that it will sound like the Talking Heads, and therefore will more than likely be better than the last album, which JJ Botter rated 12 out of 10. Tom D’Errico was proud.

Former Social Distortion/Agent Orange bassist Brent Liles was killed after being hit by a truck in Pasadena, Calif., in Jan. 18. Liles, who had played on Social D’s Mommy’s Little Monster album, was riding his bicycle on the side of the road when he was struck. He was 43.

I really wish I had noticed the following story before posting the Jan. 26 edition of “The Most Ridiculous Item of the Week”, because even though Pink‘s dog drowning in her swimming pool is pretty ridiculous, I think this one edges it out. Dead or Alive singer/Celebrity Big Brother star Pete Burns has sued a UK-based plastic surgeon after claiming that a botched series of lip injections that he had done over two years ago have left him “physically repulsive” and “suicidal.” According to the suit, after the injections were done, Burns experienced swelling, blisters and a temporary inability to eat or drink. He became suicidal after being told by his physicians that may have to have his lips amputated, and didn’t leave the house for seven months due to his his face being “distorted with swelling.” He was forced to spent the majority of his life savings on corrective surgery, which lasted almost eighteen months, and is trying to get that money back along with the cost of the lip injections and an additional amount for pain and suffering. In case you haven’t seen Pete Burns since the ’80s, he looks more like a white RuPaul than a Boy George look-alike.

Pete Burns (right) dances with Scottish MP George Galloway during a taping of the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother. How apropos that Galloway should choose the red leotard.

In other Celebrity Big Brother-related news, former contest Donny Tourette, lead singer of the Towers of London, recently eliminated himself by jumping over a wall on the outside of the building, showing that he’d rather leave the show than be a servant for reality TV star Jade Goody and her mother, Jackiey Budden. According to Tourette, the thing that most irked him was that Goody and Budden had been at the center of a long streak of bullying and racist remarks against fellow contestant and Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty (who happens to be hot tamales). “I f*cking called it, didn’t I?!” Tourette told reporters. “I called it for everyone else who was giving it ‘Oh, she’s a really lovely person’ and that people misunderstood her, but she’s a f*cking fat prick and her mum’s… they’re both shit.” I don’t know if I’d call her “fat”, being a minority and having a penchant towards a little meat on the drumstick, but she does have a horse-face and fake boobs (see?).

Blues journeyman B.B. King was hospitalized for a few days this past week after being forced to cancel a show at the Grand Opera House in Galveston, Texas, due to a fever brought on by a bout with the flu. He was scheduled to be released from The University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston on Saturday, and was mostly admitted as a precaution due to his age, 81, and because he has had a history of complications from his diabetes.

Jennifer Lopez will release a Spanish album on April 3, called Como Ama Una Mujer. Wake me when the video airs.

Rod Stewart, Norah Jones and Brad Paisley have been added to the list of artists scheduled to perform at this year’s New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival. They will join Van Morrison, Ludacris and Bonnie Raitt on the first weekend, April 27-29, while Steely Dan, ZZ Top, Counting Crows, John Legend and New Edition will perform the next weekend, May 4-6. No word yet on whether Bobby Brown will accompany his former group during that performance, but if he does decide to show up, at least it won’t be the worst disaster to happen to the city in the past year-and-a-half.

A week after revealing that his band would be reuniting for the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival, Crowded House singer Neil Finn told reporters that he and founding member Nick Seymour would be releasing a new album this year. He told reporters that the Melbourne-based band was holding auditions to find a new drummer (to replace Paul Hester, who committed suicide in 2005), and once that was finished, they would be hitting the studio. The original AP blurb that I pulled this from said that the bands hits included “Something So Strong” and “World Where You Live”, although I thought that “Don’t Dream It’s Over” was bigger than both of those. Then again, I especially remember “Don’t Dream It’s Over” just because it always reminded me of the Room Romp on Finders Keepers, which also happened to be on TV in 1987.



1 And I’ll take it as a compliment—being one of those “media punks”.

2 Moesha co-star Lamont Bentley was killed in Jan. 2005 when he accidentally drove his car off of Interstate 405, while Moesha co-star Merlin Santana was shot and killed while sitting in the passenger seat of a car in 2002. Moesha curse? One thing is for sure… if I’m Countess Vaughn, I’m going to really consider riding a bike from now on.