The latest two weeks of tapings for Impact were held on Monday night, and Richard “Remora” Trionfo of pwinsider.com and Alan Woj-Suck both attended as usual. Here’s the results that they’ve spammed everywhere:
WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW. WE’RE REQUIRED TO PUT THAT IN HERE IN ORDER TO STOP PEOPLE FROM WHINING THAT THEY’VE HAD THE SHOW RUINED FOR THEM BY US. WE’RE ALSO FORCED TO DISCLOSE THAT THIS COLUMN WAS PROCESSED IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO PROCESSES NUTS AND DAIRY PRODUCTS. FDA’S REALLY BECOMING A PAIN IN THE BUTT ABOUT THAT.
Impact For February 1st:
Impact opens with the sight of Jeremy Borash interviewing Chris Sabin. Sabin rags on Jerry Lynn’s age, which makes me want to punk him out. Fortunately, Bob Backlund is behind him. No word on whether Bob taught him a lesson.
The first match is a Five-Way X Division Give The Boys Camera Time Match. Austin Aries goes over Jerry Lynn, Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, and Sonjay Dutt thanks to a little Sabin-ference. And in case you’re wondering if Low Ki shows up, yes, indeedy, he does, but only after the match is settled and the beat-down of Lynn has begun.
Christian and Tomko do a promo. Joe then tries to do his promo, but Christian feels he hasn’t had enough promo time and interrupts.
Apparently Russo can’t figure out anything to do with former Team Canada members except pit them against each other. In the match portion of this week’s exploitation of Canadian citizens, Bobby Roode goes over Petey Williams, thanks to a drunken James Storm staggering out to reclaim his property, proud Canadian Gail Kim, who was occupied with her weekly catfight with Traci Brooks at the time. Since balance must be maintained between faces and heels, this draws Eric Young out to assist Williams. In the ensuing melee, Traci gets shoved by Roode and must make a decision. Does she pick the boorish but impressively manly Roode or the sweet, good-natured, but neurotic Young? Sweet, good-natured, and neurotic wins this round.
Denied the recovery of his property, Storm then cuts a promo with Jacqueline, and makes what is being called a mixed tag match between that dynamic duo and the all-Canadian Williams/Kim team. They can go intergender on this one easily. Both of those ladies have been shown time and time again that they can take some king-hell bumps.
And it’s off to Corny’s office we go, where Billy Bitchcakes is being called to the carpet to apologize to Christy Hemme. Christy doesn’t get an apology, but she does get a match at That Phil Collins Song against an opponent TBD.
Another match at That Phil Collins Song will be the Basebrawl Match, where Dale Torborg (accompanied by The Only A. J. That Matters) will be facing off against Lance Hoyt (accompanied by some short little pipsqueak from the team that allegedly won the World Series this year). Oooh, the Demon versus Dallas. Smell the buyrate! They cut away to the crowd to show some overpaid piece of crap from the Yankers who was a lot more fun when he looked and behaved like Captain Caveman.
The bimbo backstage still does the occasional interview, and this time she gets the-ex-D-Von, who says something about Sheremetyevo attacking one of the-ex-Buh-Buh-Ray’s relatives, forcing all of us oldsters to attempt yet again to parse the Dudley family tree to figure out if this attacked relative is also related to D-Von.
The main event (well, the wrestling match that passes for the main event, since we all know that on Russo-booked shows, the main event is always a promo) is completely wrecked. A. J. Styles and Samoa Joe have a perfectly good effort thrown out when the serial run-ins occur. First Rhiyno, then Angle, then Christian. Everything devolves into chaos, etc.
The show ends with yet another Jim Mitchell promo, which would normally be a good way to end a show, but this is done in service of a gimmick match. This one will be a Prison Yard Match between Sting and Abyss, and we all start to cringe due to our experience with the last match to use the word “Prison” in its name. This is an anything-goes match that only ends when one competitor is locked in a cage. Actually, that’s not too bad of a gimmick. We all thought King of the Mountain wouldn’t work, and Russo pulled a great one out of his ass then. This one deserves a chance.
Impact For February 8th:
In a rare example of inter-show continuity (but a blatant example of displaying to everyone that these shows are taped back-to-back), Sting and the Prison Yard Cage are featured. Naturally, Mitchell’s in the cage. Sting threatens to rid the world of Mitchell, which brings out Abyss for a cute little brawl, which Abyss gets the better of.
That segues directly into the first match, in which Abyss destroys Chase Stevens. Since they can’t leave the dead in peace, Shane Douglas comes out to turn Stevens into psychological gelatin. Abyss stops that in the most expedient fashion, turning the French Fries into mashed potatoes.
That’s the cue for Douglas’ old ECW buddies the ex-Dudleys to enter the ring. The ex-Buh Buh Ray then cuts a promo that eerily combines kayfabe and real life, as he states that his parental unit was Daddy Dudley and his mother’s name is Lamonica (of course, said wrestler’s real name is Mark Lamonica, in case you didn’t know). Sheremetyevo attacked a relative on the maternal side, and, gee, that’s going too far. The result of this is a Little Italy Street Fight at That Phil Collins Song. Konnan comes out in his wheelchair to accept, the ex-Spike Dudley comes out to make trouble, and the two teams start the Street Fight early.
A no-rhyme-or-reason six-man is next up. The heel team of James Storm, Chris Sabin, and Austin Aries go over the face team of Jerry Lynn (which I almost typed as “Jeffykins”; sorry, Jerry, really, I am), Rhiyno, and Low Ki. Nothing substantial occurs.
And it wouldn’t be Impact without them giving away a PPV Main Event for free, would it? In this case, it’s Kurt Angle teaming with Samoa Joe to go over Christian and A. J. Styles. However, this couldn’t be clean. Rhiyno distracts Styles long enough for Angle to get the Angle Slam on A. J. Then, a masked figure comes out of the crowd and nails Rhiyno with a lead pipe. The mask is removed to reveal…shit, it really is Big Sump Pump. Damn, I was hoping that rumor wasn’t real. How nice to Christian to employ the useless and unwanted. Angle then has to sell Big Sump Pump’s finsiher/shitty attempt at chiropractic.
And that’s the close of the actual Impact shows. But you watch Xplosion as well and want results? Wait a minute, someone actually watches Xplosion? Okay, no problem. It’s Team Canada versus the Naturals, with Team Canada coming out on top. Specifically Bobby Roode beats Chase Stevens, as the whole Stevens/Shane Douglas thing is extended into the B show, and Petey Williams goes over Andy Douglas.
Oh, here’s the fun part: the dark match featured, of all people, the former Heart Throbs, now the Heartbreakers. Due to the insult to Tom Petty, they are forced to job to the Riggs Brothers.
And that covers you guys for the next two weeks. Enjoy the shows.