Slayer’s Wrestling and Stuff!

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SLAYER’S WRESTLING AND STUFF!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Wrestling and Stuff! Except one thing, this column ain’t for everybody! If you’re an old school wrestling fan that laments everything about wrestling and only watches it to satisfy a neurosis that causes anguish in order to create an imagery of nostalgia and self-graitfy ones own time period PLEASE LEAVE! Seriously, go ..I mean you can stay but you won’t enjoy yourself. Not sure what you’ll enjoy. Bitching about how blah blah blah gor fired or how the booking sucks or how the legacy of ECW is being tarnished? Well don’t worry, I estimate there are seven hundred and ninety three thousand columns to satisfy your thirst.

This column is for the NEW SCHOOL FAN! And for old school fans like me that watch wrestling for the same reason I watch Power-Puff Girls and Looney Toons. So come on in! Today it’s back to the Weekly Diva Showcase Recap Rewind (Yes, I still have yet to settle on a name) as well as gabbing about rassling and some extra stuff for you including showing you my NEW FAVORITE MUSIC VIDEO EVER! And I hate music videos. Trust me, you’ll love it. This is me we’re talking about here. So you know by know I don’t disappoint.

ALSO, ONCE AGAIN, I INTRODUCE A NEW SEGMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this one takes me 10 seconds to write so it’s no big deal.

But, first let’s get to the other new segment I started recently .
PULSE WRESTLING REWIND!

So if you haven’t heard by now, IP kicked off its Rumblemania this week. Which means I have to say Rumblemania as many times as I can in my column. Widro says the first writer to say Rumblemania a 100 times gets a FREE EXTRA LIFE! Speaking of Spectre #1, Widro marks out over the Taker winning as did I and as did most of us. Except he says the music played and crowd roared when in fact the crowd did nor roar at all, they were awkwardly silent.

Vinny’s Alternate Reality talks about why Helms, Punk, Kenny, or Nitro should have won the rumble. I’m not kidding.

In the “it’s all Greek to me” category of columns the 18th issue of Lucheran is out now.

Eric S writes a Tailgate Crashers column in the Wrestling zone but he’s the one guy I give a pass to that since he writes 97,000 columns a months for the zone. Besides, poor guy has only two more days of the Bears Bliss before it all comes crashing down. And leave Bambi alone. Rules of grammar state that symbols are relative to the writer and topic therefore there is no binding etiquette regarding symbols as long as the underlying meaning is clear and implicit. But what the f*ck do I know? Then again, Eric can say whatever he wants because 1) He’s Eric and 2) He’s allowed me to steal his pics from time to time.

Let’s get going with the column.

LET’S TALK ABOUT WRESTLING!
If we put ECW and TNA aside (which isn’t difficult to do), I really have nothing bad to say about the state of wrestling. So that means I can’t write a wrestling column, right? Wrong! Actually I’ve enjoyed RAW quite consistently since last Wrestlemania and ever since the CW-Smackdown came out in September, that has become my favorite wrestling show.

I’m just glad that John Cena is finally getting his due. Listen, back in the day, I couldn’t take him. It was just TOO MUCH for a person who really couldn’t wrestle. When Edge stole the title last year at the 2006 New Year’s Revolution, I was the happiest man alive and Edge then became officially one of Slayer’s Favorites. Yeah, I marked out. Then for whatever reason, as the road to Wrestlemania 22 unfolded, Cena started to well grow on me. Couldn’t explain it. And like a lot of wrestling fans, though I was rooting for HHH for like the first time since well ever! (Even in his short-lived baby face days, I rooted for Evil Rock, because Evil Rock is one of my favorite bad guys). But when Cena won, I wasn’t disappointed and you know what it was a good match! Cena had finally learned Ring Psychology YAY!

Then came ECW-One Night Stand! Old School ECW-Elk’s Lodge fans such as myself were having orgasms at the thought of RVD winning the WWE title and turning it into the ECW title (which didn’t actually happene that way, but whatever). And after the show, while I was happy for RVD and all that, I became an actual fan of Cena that night. He totally won my respect and admiration. To go in that crowd and shut the ECW fans up was great! And this is coming from a guy who rooted for JT Snow so that’s how far back I go with the Extreme.

But as the months rolled along, I still had YET to actually root for Cena in a match. He was feuding with RVD which my brainwashed mind could never root against and of course Edge who is one of Slayer’s Favorites! Then he started feuding against Umaga. And the unbelievable happened I was starting to root for the guy, especially after the big bastard killed Maria. And in the Royal Rumble folks .I’m gonna admit it I was totally marking out for Cena like big time. I’m not ashamed of it. Cena over the past year has slowly worked his way onto yes Slayer’s Favorites! But he’s on the bottom of that list and who knows how long he might stay.

So what is this Slayer’s Favorites you ask? Let’s look at the new segment!

THE LIST OF SLAYER’S FAVORITES AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME
So here it is my official ten favorite wrestlers at this moment in time. Please note, the top half rarely changes, the bottom half moves around some. Let’s look at what they are. This only applies to the Male wrestlers..because I LOVE ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE FEMALE WRESTLERS. Especially Victoria.

1) King Booker
2) Edge
3) Undertaker
4) Ric Flair
5) Chris Benoit
6) Chavo
7) Randy Orton
8) Finlay
9) Chloe
10) John Cena

5 Honorable Mentions in ABC Order
A) Shelton Benjamin
B) Cryme Tyme
C) Jeff Hardy
D) Mr. Kennedy
E) Shawn Michaels

Slayer’s Favorite Announce Team:
Michael Cole and JBL

Slayer’s Favorite Non-Wrestling Performer:
Teddy Long

You may notice the lack of ECW and TNA. What can I say. But, things are always changing. There was a time where Sabu and Sandman were once Gods to me. Perhaps they will make the list again soon.

And now for the REAL FUN!

THE LIST OF SLAYER’S LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLERS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME

1) Batista
2) Test
3) Lance and Cade
4) Khali
5) RVD

That last one caught your attention, didn’t it? I’ll go into further detail about it another time, but I hope I don’t have to.

We’ll come back to the lists in March. Maybe even make it all HTML pretty but I ain’t making promises. It all depends if Gloomchen has time.

Time for the Main Event .

SLAYER’S DIVA WEEKLY SHOWCASE

Unfortunately, I can’t call it a recap, because the WWE provided absolutely NO pictures of the fight between Mickie and Milena as well as the Diva match. So as opposed in going in chronological order as we usually do, we’ll have to improvise and do things a little differently today. ( If anyone else knows good sites with pic recaps..please advise thank you!)

We start off with the newest Diva in town .Cherry!

Double D and Cherry storm into the ring for their sophomore match at Smackdown. They know McMahon has been in a mood as of late so they’re on a pretty short leash. They have to be perfect they enter the ring, they ham it up 50s style, things are going well. That is until ..


Cherry: Umm you’re jacket is stuck

Domino: Come on get it off quickly Michael Hayes is watching

Cherry: I can’t .the grease pasted the jacket on your shirt!

Domino: Pull from the bottom you twit!

Cherry: How the f*ck can I pull from the bottom with these dam roller skates on?

Deuce: Come on guys I can’t keep this stance forever. My knees are killing me!

Cherry: Fuck you! Try wearing these stupid roller skates!

Later that night, MNM get into the ring for their match against a team that has been tag team champions for a year now yet they still never got around to branding a tag-team name for them.


Melina does that thing she does but misses the top rope due to slipping on the leftover grease from the Domino/Deuce Match.


Nitro: Ummm..Mercury that jacket looks familiar

Mercury: It’s new not sure what you’re talking about

Nitro: I don’t know I could have sworn I saw-

Melina: Myself wear it? That’s my jacket! Mercury, you’ve been stealing clothes from my suitcase again..haven’t you

Mercury: Just borrowing it I’ll give it back after the match.

Melina: What else did you borrow?

Mercury: .

Melina: You’re wearing my underwear too, aren’t you?

Nitro: Oh no again! Come on she’s our co-worker. Be a professional.

Melina: I really don’t appreciate you stealing my underwear.

Mercury: Just borrowing it I’ll give it back after the match.

Melina: Ew ..just buy your own women’s underwear please.

Mercury: But it’s not the same only when it’s been used
..
Nitro: Well, go on to Francine’s Myspace Page..she’s always selling her underwear.

Anyway, MNM won the match and Ashley was PISSED!

So much so, that she punished Kendrick by spooning wim with a strap-on in a stand-up position unitil he was so used, his body became like a lifeless corpse. Paul London was screaming for the Refs but they would rather watch since all wrestling referees are creepy voyeurs.


Afterwards, she straddled him to almost near-death and stated that his soul was hers forever and then performed a Vulcan Mind-Meld.
Before passing out, Kendrick’s last thought was A year long run as tag team champion and a beating by Ashley my years in wrestling have finally paid off .

. Next came the Royal Rumble! MNM vs. The Hardyz!


Yeah motherf*cker! We’re Gonna Win!


Dam, we lost

Melina caressed Nitro’s hair and was sort of jealous of it while Mercury couldn’t believe the comfort level of Francine’s underwear.

Over at Raw the good match and wonderful angle development were ignored by WWE.COM .however we do get


Carlito: You know you’re beautful and all but I’ve noticed once we hooked up..my career went down the hill. .

Torrie: That’s because I’m an evil succubus you silly. I destroyed Kidman’s career and now I will destroy yours! HeeHee!

Chloe: Could you do us all a favor, and hook up with Test?

Meanwhile, over in ECW .


Kelly: I’m Kelly Kelly..and I’m an exhibitionist!

Fans: Me touch, me touch!

Kelly: I’m Kelly Kelly..and I’m an exhibitionist!


I’m Brooke and I don’t know what the hell I am yet because ECW has no writers right now! Woooooooooooo!


And this image is an ironic symbol of the WWE stereotypical pecking order. Blondes on top, brunettes in the middle, and blacks on the bottom. And that’s just not for the Divas is it?

And the Diva of the Week goes toooooo…….

Melina!

For absoutely nothing that went on in my column but for her great showing at Raw. Of course, she just stole all of Victoria’s heat…but the Diva of the Week must remain pure and unbiased.

And on that note let’s end it off with my favorite video ever this month. I love the song and it makes for great make-out or dancing music. However I must warn you drinking Strawberry Milkshakes will never be the same!

Hope you had fun.

God Bless

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