The Smackdown Short Form, 02.02.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

Thank you, ‘tards at All of you picked the Dolts. Of course, virtually all of you picked the Aints two weeks ago, and a good portion of you picked the Shitbirds three weeks ago. You’ve underestimated the Bears tremendously, and I thank you for that. That just pisses them off, and when they’re pissed off, they tend to kill people. Oh, I so want to see you on Monday attempting to make excuses in between the bouts of pain in your empty skulls caused by hangover, attempting to drink yourselves to death in an effort to escape. And that goes double for you, Don Banks and the Noo Yawk Jew Michael Silver. Get your tongues out of Peyton’s ass before he uses it to promote something.

Of course, Daniels has to go and plant the kiss of death on the Beloved by picking them. However, it’s nice to see that Hulse is still a moronic cunt who doesn’t seem to realize a few facts: 1) Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis have no one to spell them and crappy offensive lines in front of them (KC’s line is incredibly old and in decline and B-More’s line simply isn’t good). 2) The Bears’ tandem is far, far better than the Faggots’ combination of an over-the-hill Corey Dillon and a never-will-be Laurence Maroney. The Bears will be able to run early and often on the Colts, whose run defense is STILL abysmal, Bob Sanders or not. Everyone makes the mistake of underestimating the Bears’ O-Line. I’ve watched them all year, bitch, and they’d give the Steelers of the mid-70s problems. And, of course, His Supreme East Coast Bias had to pull out the line about “the greatest clutch kicker of all time”. Stop fellating AV, asshole. He’s gone. Deal with it and stop reliving the glory years.

Thank God for Hulse, though. Without him, I’d have no lead to this thing. That’s what sucks about doing this and Impact back-to-back. I tend to use up all of my good lead material and don’t have anything left for Smackdown, which puts me in a quandary. But then something comes along at the last second and saves me. Too bad that Smackdown can’t do the same…

Match Results:

Our Lord and Savior over Dave Motherf*ckin’ Finlay, US Title Match (Pinfall, rollup during distraction): Hmmmm, let’s see here. These guys had a couple of MOTYCs last year, so let’s have them curtain-jerk Smackdown. And, oh, yeah, let’s waste what was a fantastic match on an ending that set up that feud that everyone wanted, Finlay/Boogeyman. There are levels of agony, you know. The ending here was equivalent to removing your foreskin with nail clippers.

ZOMG U WANT MI TITEL U BEYOTCH!!1111!!11!1!1!!eleventy-one!!11!

Finlay thinks that this position was a lot more fun with Stratus

Okay, nice camerawork

Douche and Dildo over Team Twink Porn, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Domino pins Kendrick, Deuce kick to head): Oh, Lord, they’re really going to push these guys, aren’t they? I’ve been investing a good deal of my self-worth in the prospect of seeing Regal and Taylor holding the tag belts, and now these guys are going to come on and steal that opportunity. The only hope lies in Smackdown’s neurotic habit, as I said last week and on the podcast with KC, of failing to pull the trigger on tag title changes until it’s too late. No, I don’t want to see these guys as tag champs. They’re The Ones That I Don’t Want, if you catch my drift.

Oh, God, I used up all of these type of jokes due to the Hardys reunion

FudgePacker over Vito (Pinfall, FudgePacker Flip): Well, I had this feeling that FudgePacker didn’t know how to remove a dress properly. Of course, the odds of finding someone in a dress in Green Bay is so remote that it’s not a surprise. If it came down to a choice between the women there and the cows, the cows win nine times out of ten.

Goddamnit, I told you I was out of those jokes for now. Why do you do this to me?

Mike Mizanin over Mattsy-Poo (Pinfall, Mizard of Oz): Well, they’ve successfully gone beyond causing mental anguish with me into physical anguish territory now. The problem here is that I can’t take a K-Dawg to calm down because I’m already sleepy and have to head to work in about an hour and a half. So I have to live with this torture for a few more hours, burning its way physically through my shattered psyche. Michael Hayes, why do this to one of your true fans?

Yeah, real clash of the titans here

Angle Developments:

The bad news is that she’s been widowed at a young age. The good news is that she doesn’t have to live a lie anymore.

This one’s for Slayer

Little does Booker know that it also fits his old jail cell

And These Are For Slayer Too: Normally I FF through shit like bikini contests, but Slayer’s cry for help touched my blackened soul, and when a fellow writer here needs help, I’m on the way. So, bud, these are for you:

I’ll pause now so that my fourteen-year-old readers of all ages can clean off their monitors and keyboards.

And here’s something for the fourteen-year-old girls of all ages

D) None Of The Above

It must be really, really important to get him to work on a Tuesday

And that knocks out wrestling for another week. I’m going to see if I can knock out a couple of the three DVDs I have on tap for the Lounge prior to the start of the celebrations on Sunday evening. Have a good Super Bowl weekend and survive until Tuesday, when I get to gloat yet again and figure out what creature I’m going to have Hulse practicing animal husbandry with. Ta.