Tom Pandich. Raw. Live. All night.
Royal Rumble recap shows the Undertaker’s win. Last week on Raw, the Undertaker popped up. He showed up on ECW for shits and giggles. Batista wanted a decision now, but it’s coming tonight!
Bell tomes and there are a ton of DX Glowsticks out in the crowd. Here comes the Undertaker, and the crowd is marking out hard. Hell, I’ve got a smile on my face. The Undertaker raises the lights, hat comes off, eye roll, and the deadman wanders around the ring with no microphone. Here comes Cena, and the crowd loves him. Here comes Black Lesnar, and the crowd is into him too. Dave’s got the biggest reaction out of all of the champs though.
Mild Cena chant starts up as the Undertaker stares him down. He moves on to Bobby. He moves on to Dave. He looks to move back to Cena, but he pops back to Dapper Dave and does the cutthroat move. Here comes Shawn! Shawn wants to help out Cena with a title match. Randy pops out and he wants Cena. He’s not asking for it though. He’s demanding it! Here comes Edge who looks like he’s having a bad day. Edge has never lost at Wrestlemania (like the Undertaker). Big you suck chants for Edge. Here comes Vince (and Bobby is all alone and sad).
Vince runs down Iowa. He wonders why we’re standing in the middle of a god forsaken corn field. Vince says nobody is paying attention to Bobby Lashley so he might be the strongest champion. Vince says Raw will have a challenger for Lashley tonight. Also, triple threat #1 contender’s match tonight for Raw’s title. Vince says he’s not dropping cash down from the ceiling, but he is providing value.
Everyone heads out besides Dave and the Undertaker. Batista turns around and raises the belt in front of the Undertaker. The Undertaker responds in kind with a chokeslam (which JR calls a power slam). Commercials.
Six Man Tag: Carlito and Cryme Tyme vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Chris Masters
Cluster to start. We’re left with JTG and Shelton Benjamin to start. JTG hits a Thez Press to get an advantage, but JTG gets taken down in the corner. Tag to Haas (looking more and more wiggerish daily) who works over JTG followed by a tag to Masters. Masters works over JTG tagging in Haas again. Haas takes out Shad, tries the suplex, but JTG floats over. Tag to Carlito who runs over everyone. It turns into a cluster again ending with Haas being rolled up by Carlito. Shelton comes over the top allowing Haas to roll through to get the pin and the win.
Winners: The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Chris Masters
Last week, the Donald dropped cash. Vince says the audience doesn’t want cash, but they want value. Kenny pops in and asks for a shot at Lashley. Vince wishes him luck. Apparently the Coach has a letter from the Donald that he held out on Vince. Mr. Trump has a business proposal for Mr. McMahon for next week. Vince wants
Ric Flair is in the back pawing Maria. Ric Flair runs through what has happened throughout the night. Tonight though, he’s got Jeff Hardy. He’s going to Wrestlemania as IC Title.
Meanwhile, Melina is with Candice Michelle. They act fake to each other. Tonight Melina/Mickey James for the women’s title. Nitro pops in and he says he’s going to take out Super Crazy.
We’re back and Balls Mahoney is in the ring. Here comes Umaga to destroy him.
Icky: Umaga beats Balls Mahoney
This is a terrible, terrible match.
Winner: Umaga
Super Crazy vs Johnny Nitro
Nitro gets off to the fast start stopping Super Crazy early. The King calls Super Crazy fat in a roundabout way. Melina slows down Super Crazy. Mickey James slows down Nitro. Super Crazy heads up top, but Nitro stops him. Crazy fights off Nitro and drops him. Crazy hits a huge moonsault for the win.
Winner: Super Crazy
Women’s Championship: Mickey James vs Melina
Bell rings and we’re on. CATFIGHT! They look each other in the eyes and make out…. err Melina kicks Mickey James in the babymaker. Mickey outwrestles Melina though and Melina tries to bail. Nitro keeps her from running away though, and Melina uses the opportunity to guillotine Mickey. James is behind, but regains the advantage. Melina freaks out and rolls up Mickey for the pinfall. She grabs the ropes, but the ref catches it. Mickey reverses the roll up and wins.
Winner and still champ: Mickey James
In the back, Cena tells HBK to be safe since they’re still tag team champs. Shawn thinks Cena is wishing him good luck though. Cena wants to see Edge win though because he knows he can kick Edge’s ass.
IC Title #1 Contender’s Match: Jeff Hardy vs Ric Flair
Hardy claps as Flair comes in. Shoulder block drops Flair to start. Flair pops up with a hammer lock. They exchange slaps and Flair tosses Hardy into the corner. Hardy floats over but he “blows” out his knee. Flair works over the leg. Hardy hits a few moves, but he ultimately misses the Swanton Bomb. Flair works over Hardy’s leg a bit more. Flair goes for the figure four finally, but Hardy rolls him up.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Hardy and Flair embrace after the match.
Lashley/Kenny is next.
Okay… not really. Todd is with Batista. He’s not intimidated by the Undertaker at all. He’ll defend his title at Wrestlemania and he has no problems teaming up with the Undertaker at No Way Out either. He does know one thing though…. payback’s a bitch.
ECW World Title Match: Bobby Lashley vs Kenny Dykstra
Kenny looks quite gay in his pink boots. Toss on some sunglasses if you’re going to do the Bret Hart look Kenny. Kenny moves to the ropes. They tie up in the corner and exchange shots. Kenny takes a punch and goes flying over the top rope. Lashley rushes Kenny into the corner and nails a few shoulder blocks. He tosses Kenny into the corner and catches him as he tries to float over. Kenny gets knocked down to the entrance ramp, but Kenny hits a dropkick to Lashley’s leg and he hits hard on the entrance ramp.
Kenny works over Bobby Lashley with drop kicks and headlocks. The sleeper slows Lashley down, but eventually he just runs over Kenny. Kenny gets tossed into the corner, but he gets a leg up. Kenny charges, but he gets caught in a t-bone suplex and dropped by it. Kenny drop kicks Lashley out though right before the pinfall. Time for a commercial.
Lashley ran into a steel post during the break. I check the phone and Bobby Lashley hits a military press into a power slam. That’s all she wrote.
Winner and still champ: Bobby Lashley
Edge and Randy have a lover’s quarell in the back.
Carlito is with Torrie and they’re taking off. Flair chews out Carlito for taking off because he’s an underachiever. He’s got no passion or guts. He hasn’t worked for it to be here. Flair feels like his spot is being taken and that Vince has put Ric on notice. Flair gets bleeped as he spouts off on Carlito. Triple threat is next!
Slam of the Week: Cena and Michaels win the tag titles!
#1 Contender’s Match: Shawn Michaels vs Randy Orton vs Edge
The heels beat down on Shawn to start things off. Michaels hits a few clothesline and an inverted atomic drop. Kip up and Randy gets dumped. Michaels hits the scoop slam, but he falls to his knees after it. Michaels heads up top, but Orton pushes him from behind. Orton measures Edge for an RKO, but Edge sees it. The two argue as we go to our final commercial.
We’re back. Orton gets back dropped over the top as Shawn has Edge in a sleeper. Shawn takes control and hits a baseball slide to Orton followed by a Thez Press to Edge. Edge pops up and hits a kick to Michaels though and gets two from it. Backbreaker gets two. Orton and Edge use Michaels to take each other out of the match as Michaels is the face in peril the entire time. Orton hits his reverse neckbreaker for two followed by punches and his knee drop for two.
Orton keeps yelling at the ref for the long two counts. Randy gets backslid for two, but he pops up and hits an RKO. Edge pulls Orton off and goes for his pinfall. They look like they make peace, but they proceed to pop each other together. Double crossbody takes both men out. Michaels pops up and hits the elbow. He tunes up the band, misses the kick on Orton, Edge tries for the spear but hits Orton, superkick to Edge. Pin on Orton! It’s ovah!
Winner and #1 Contender: Shawn Michaels
Cena comes down to do a brief staredown with Shawn. Batista and the Undertaker meet up and it’s a massive staredown. Cena’s music hits for no reason in particular. That’s all she wrote. Night all.
