Monday Night Rabble

Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

TONIGHT

UNDERTAKER DECIDES HIS WRESTLEMANIA

ONE GOOD PPV

ONE GOOD RAW

TONIGHT SHOULD SUCK A ROCK!

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

Welcome once again to the report that responds to the television. The only Raw Report that tells you what a bunch of assholes in a bar think of the show at hand. That is the essence of the Monday Night Rabble. Here’s our Rabbleteers!

MIKE – He who Quests…!
ERIC – He who Destroys!
HERNANDEZ – He who Bulldoozes!
JEFFREY – He who pours!
JENNA – She who Justices!
DANI – She who sexes… vehry niiice!
ME – He who writes!
…add in those who post at the Inside Pulse forums, the Insyders.

A special plug for the Insyders:
I recieved a letter from Insyder Chuckles, and since I tend to pimp out my own work and the rest of the Rabbles, it is only fair I pimp out the forumers who help in making this report the greatest thing on the internet ever. So do you want to read about three guys you’ve come to know and love around here discuss the big discussions in sports? CLICK HERE and show them some love.

Now, let’s get to the show…

We of course start off with a retread of the Royal Rumble. Last week when Taker showed up on Raw, ECW, and Smackdown. Tonight he makes his decision.

Here’s the Undertaker!
“They’re opening with it?” – Eric
“Nah, he’s getting a match” – Mike
“He’s just going to promo the hell out of the opener.” – Me
“So I guess he’s not going for Lashley’s belt?” – Dani
“If he’s going for Lashley’s belt.. he’s winning” – Mike
“If he goes for Lashley’s belt, I’m giving up on professional wrestling.” – Me

SIGN OF THE NIGHT: “HUSS!”

We discuss for a long moment whether he could go for Mickey James’ title but not the tag team titles. He takes off his hat and walks around the ring menacingly and here comes John Cena!

Now it’s time for Bobby Lashley?
“So is he on steroids?” – Dani
“No, that’s years of oppression throbbing.” – Hernandez

Finally, here comes Dave! He runs out and struts around for a bit. Dave dances for awhile… Taker watches Dave’s pyro with disdain. They all stand in the ring while Taker eyes them up.
“Taker’s going to choose with a rousing game of duck duck goose.” – Me
“Rock paper scissors?” – Eric
From the ‘Great Minds…’ Department
“Ya know, I would love it if they played a game of Hot Potato for the title, or at least the Number 1 contenders slot. man that’d be sweet.” – Insyder A Faceless Name

So finally Taker goes to all three and glares at Dave and thumbs his throat…. Taker versus Dave.
“I choose Batista which means there was no real reason for us or Lashley to show up this evening!” – Insyder Captain Spaulding

Now here comes Shawn!
“He wants to go for Lashley.” – Me

Shawn gets in the ring and dances around, and he wants Cena for the title at Mania.
“He’s the first one who talked tonight! Nine minutes in.” – Dani

And as Shawn challenges, here comes Orton!
“HEY!” – Bill’s not here

So Orton wants the title and he gets interrupted by Edge!
“While Lashley just sits there quietly going ‘who am I going to fight?” – Eric
“Cryme Tyme comes out and steals the title.. new champions.” – Hernande
“That’s black on black crime.” – Me

Edge gets down to the ramp and he wants the title too! Edge is fairly certain he deserves it… but here comes Vince!

Vince wants to know what the hell they are doing in Iowa. Everyone is challenging Cena, but Vince makes a note to explain that nobody wants to face Lashley because he is the greatest champion in that ring. Somebody is in the back who will face Lashley… tonight on Raw!
“I do appreciate Vince’s hard sell of Lashley, at least he is trying.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“I was totally expecting Vince to say no one was challenging Lashley because no one cares about ECW.” – Insyder DarkStar

Tonight though, Orton verus Edge versus Shawn Michaels for the #1 Contendership.

Vince declares he is not going to drop money on the entire arena, because that match.. is value.
“So what are the other champs doing tonight?” – Eric
“Well… Dave’s gonna eat a chokeslam.” – Me
“Or a boot.. or a last ride..” – Eric

Dave and Taker are staring each other down in the middle of the ring,
“And our poster shot in 3… 2….1.” – Me
“With a fat kid in the background.” – Hernandez

Taker goes and chokeslams Dave.
“Pin him! One Two Three – New Champion!” – Hernandez

So Taker leaves and walks up the ramp as Dave watches on from the turnbuckle.
“Way to sell it.” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:16

We’re back and Lawler’s wearing a shitty toupee…

Here comes Carlito!
“It’s 9:21 and we have only seen one wrestling move!” – Eric

Now though, here comes Cryme Tyme!
“I hope they just come down and take Torrie away.” – Dani

Now here comes The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Masters.. and as Masters gets halfway down the ramp, his pyro starts.

CRYME TYME & CARLITO vs. MASTERS & TWGTT
CLUSTER!

So a clusterf*ck starts the match, but it clears out fairly quickly with Shelton and JTG. Thesz Press from JT and they get up to their feet and JT throws him to the corner, runs in and eats a knee.

Shelty tags in Charlie and slams JT on the turnbuckle. Throws him corner to corner, but eats a couple elbows. He runs in and a release belly to belly for two. Gives JT some distance too. Charlie tags in Masters now and the beatings begin. Quick tags around until finally JT gets a big reversal for the tag to Carlito who clears house – hitting a double springboard elbow.
“Great hangtime.” – Mike

Carlito hits the kneelift, and drops out of Masters doing the Masterlock hitting him in the face. Shad on the outside throws in Charlie! The ref is being distracted though as Carlito rolls him up… OUT OF NOWHERE SHELTY WITH THE TOP ROPE NECKBREAKER!

Charlie rolls the tights!
WINNER: TWGTT & MASTERS
“Was it me or was that match on fast forward?” – Jenna
“They seem to be running short on time.” – Hernandez

Tonight, Mickie facing Melina for the title…

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:26

Last Monday – Vince did Fan Appreciation week.. with Donald.
“Ooo we can see that girls boobs again.” – Mike

Nope, no boobs.

Anyway, in the back – Coach and McMahon discuss how horrible it was that Donald drops cash…
“I think the worst thing a billionaire can do is drop trow.” – Mike

So Kenny interrupts Vince, and HE wants to face Lashley tonight. The audience is audibly saying ‘No.’ If Kenny gets it he would be the youngest champion in history.
“NO! YOu know what happened to Randy!” – Hernandez

Coach got a letter from Trump… Vince is upset he is only just getting it. SO Vince reads it… he’s going to be showing up next week to ‘up the ante’ and offer a ‘business proposal’.
“THe XFL.” – Me
“ECW?” – Eric
“He’s taking it back..” – Mike

Vince says next week there will be two bill

MARIA! Her hair’s darker…. she’s going to introduce the Nature Boy… she likes him. Rawr… So Flair promotes tonight’s show. So he’s going to face Jeff Hardy tonight so HE can go to Wrestlemania to fight the IC Champion.
“Why the hell is Flair facing Chubbykins?” – Insyder Captain Spaulding
“To absorb drugs through skin contact so Flair can wrestle pain free for 3 years?” – Insyder A Faceless Name

Maria giggles.

Elsewhere, Melina and Candice discuss the Godaddy commercial.
“I like those colors on Melina..” – Mike
“Breasts and pink?” – Me

Nitro talks to Melina.
“Wow, somebody fell in a vat of bronzer.” – Mike

He’s facing Super Crazy in a bit.
“I think I could do Nitro better than Nitro.” – Mike
“Only if he pushes back.” – Me
“If he doesn’t look me in the eye, it’s not gay” – Mike

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:37

Balls Mahoney in the ring… umm….. he is wearing a King Diamond shirt. I’m ok with that. So Coach introduces Balls Mahoney to face someone for revenge to what the ECW folks did last week. Heeerre comes UMAGA.

BALLS vs. UMAGA
Bury more!
“Ah, Raw is Balls.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Looks like balls is going to get squashed tonight” – Insyder soak1313
“…so many…jokes…can’t…make…up…mind…” – Insyder Chuckles
“I wanna dip my balls in it!” – Insyder A Faceless Name

So Balls starts off with punches, but he goes for a kick and it’s ignored and then the bulldoer kicks him in the gut, and chokes him against the bottom rope. Lots of snapkicks to Balls. Samoan drop. Balls gets set up in the corner and Umaga makes the charge…

Samoan Thumb.
WINNER: UMAGA
“Umaga’d: a verb meaning ‘thrown to the monster nobody likes.’ See also: Khali’d” – Bill via TXT Message

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44

Last week… Melina got slapped by Super Crazy’s Mickie’s pimp hand.

Here comes Melina with Nitro now.
“I don’t know if her outfit clashes with his..” – Eric
“Or the entire spectrum of color.” – Me
“I like melina’s colors. I wonder how Essa Rios feels about her wearing his old ring gear though.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Max Moon’s old ring gear brotha!” – Insyder Captain Spaulding

Nitro slides between Melina’s legs..
“CLIP HER!!!” – Eric

JOHNNY NITRO vs. SUPER CRAZY
He’s Super!

And coming down with Crazy is Mickie James!
“Super Crazy is the whitest person in the ring…” – Mike

Bell rings and Nitro starts with a kick and forearm shot to Crazy. Nitro just punches hell out of Crazy, keeping him on the mat. Reverse neckbreaker for two.

Nitro tosses Crazy to the corner – he runs in and Crazy leaps for a sunset flip for two. Nitro gets up and just hits him down again.

Nitro continues the beatings, until finally Crazy hits an out of nowhere crossbody. Crazy hits the ropes and Melina grabs his legs. Back on their feet, Nitro throws a cheap shot and hits the ropes.. Mickie stops him! CCrazy hits a tiltawhirl backbreaker – heads to the corner but Nitro runs in.

They fight for the top and Crazy wins it – hits the picture perfect moonsault for three! Clean win for Crazy!
“He did it for Eddie.” – Dani
“Konnan called Vince for money, he said he couldn’t lend him money, but he would put Super Crazy over.” – Mike
“Nitro’s bronzer is running.” – Hernandez

WINNER: SUPER CRAZY

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54

Right now we come back for the Women’s Title match.

MICKIE & MELINA
Ten spot?

So it starts with Mickie and Melina fighting it out and Nitro & Crazy are outside for their girls. Mickie throws Melina to the corner and follows up with a hammerlock – but Melina fights her way out of it and hits a single leg crab.

Mickie kicks out of it while the crowd chants for Crazy. Melina now wrings Mickie’s arm, Mickie rolls her and kicks her out.
“I have a hankering for roast beef.” – Me
“Funny that.. I want pussy.” – Jeffrey

Melina goes to talk to Nitro, and Mickie goes to get her only to eat an elbow and a snap kick to the face. Melina rolls her up for two. Her face is in Mickie’s crotch.
“LOOK AT IT!” – Hernandez
“She’s reading it like tea leaves.” – Me

There are a couple of back and forth spots that end with them facing face to face with beatings back and forth with Mickie getting the top end of it. She clotheslines Melina down a few times. Throws her to the corner – it’s reversed and Melina is just flubbing.

As Nitro is going to try and grab Mickie’s leg… CRAZY DROPS HIM!

In the ring, Mickie gets tossed to the outside of the ring. She slides in and Melina drops on top of her and holds the ropes The ref catches it and Mickie rolls her up herself for the pin.

WINNER: MICKIE JAMES

The Paparazzi are here now, just as Melina requested… and they are taking pictures as she is whining and stammering. Melina is pissed as Nitro throws them out of the ring.

In the back, Shawn and Cena talk. Shawn knows what Cena wants.
“To talk about your shitty movie.. I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” – Mike

Cena actually wants Edge to win the match, so he can win at Mania with no doubt and he wants Shawn to be careful since they have the tag team belts to worry about.

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:04

JEFF HARDY vs. RIC FLAIR
I want Flair to win!

Match begins! They have a nice hammer lock exchange, ending with Flair on top. He woo’s in Hardy’s face and Jeff clocks him one!

Flair throws him into the corner and the chop fest begin!

Hardy does an up and over and his leg lets go… Flair chopblocks it and works the leg. All set up to get Flair to Mania. Nothing amazing.

Lots of leg work. Finally out of nowhere Jeff hits the enzuigiri… Jeff drops.. then Flair flops! Nice.

Jeff hits a jawbreaker. Jeff hits the back body drop and almost kills Flair. Runs for the whisper in the wind.. and misses… but hits… so yeah.
“IT’S FLAIR! COME ON!” – Hernandez
“Is that the longest Flair has gone in a match without bleeding?” – Insyder soak1313

Jeff hits the Twist of Fate! Goes for the Sentonnnnnn WHIFF!

Flair on his feet now.. just kicking the hell out of Jeff’s leg. Flair struts around, the classic heel schtick. Goes for the figure four! JEFF GRABS AND ROLLS UP!

WINNER: JEFF HARDY
“He going heel again?” – Hernandez
“He gonna nut punch him?” – Me

Jeff and Flair go face to face. Finally Flair gives him the hand shake and a little bit of hug.
“CHOP BLOCK HIS KNEE PLEASE!” – Mike
“The wrong way!” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:18

In the back … Todd with Dave! Does Dave want to comment about the chokeslam. No, he doesn’t. Payback’s a bitch.
“Wait, he DOES want to talk about it.” – Me

Dave wants to talk about it apparently…

Now in the ring.. Kenny!
“I am not a nugget!” – Mike
“It’s time for change!” – Me

Here comes Bobby Lashley.
“Check out that belt buckle.” – Hernandez

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. KENNY!
Bwhahahaha
“I think the title should be ECW rules..” – Mike
“Everybody does.. except Vince.” – Me

Lock up. Punches back and forth. Lashley remains on top of the game. One punch throws Kenny over the top.
“You missed the turnbuckle” – Mike

Lashley just throws Kenny around all over the place. Finally out to the ramp and as Lashley goes after him, Kenny dropkicks his knee… nice.
“Count out.” – Eric
“If there’s a countout… I riot.” – Mike

Kenny throws him in and goes for two. Kenny now begins the beatings. Throws the leaping elbow and right into the chinlock. They fight to their feet and Kenny goes right back into a side headlock.

Lashley picks him up – flips him off his back and Kenny lands on his feet.. only to be clotheslined down a few times. Throws him to the corner and as Kenny bounces out, he eats the T-Bone exploder. Lashley against the ropes and Kenny out of nowhere dropkick.

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:31

We’re back with a front facelock from Kenny.. and right back down to amateur holds. Lashley pushes him out to the corner.. back body drop from Kenny. Lashley TOSSES Kenny… Standing suplex..
“STOP GRABBING THAT!” – Hernandez
“That doesn’t feel like Owen.” – Mike

Lashley sizes him up… runs in but Kenny kicks him. Kenny tries to capitalize, but Lashley catches him in the pump handle. That’s it.
“GIMME MY FOOD!” – Hernandez

WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
“ECW on Raw means a good match?!” – Mike

In the back, Orton is taping his wrist and Edge shows up… Orton doesn’t want to talk to Edge. Edge doesn’t even know who is going to win this match.
“My vote is Lita” – Mike

Carlito and Torrie are leaving… Flair stops Carlito and he’s upset that Carlito is leaving before the main event. He tells Carlito that he’s lucky to be here.. to be on Raw.. to be on this show! Carlito’s got no passion, and because he’s leaving, it’s the reason he will never be the main event. Vince has told Flair he has to shape up or ship out.. and Carlito is pissing him off!

Flair then stomps off.
“I’m trying to figure what my name is.. and you are LEAVING!” – Ric
“He’s grabbing his left arm!” – Hernandez
“Sometimes we switch Flair’s meds with Foldger’s Crystals” – Me

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:40
“This Raw has more wrestling than the three hour one did.” – Mike
“And they didn’t even start until 9:20.” – Me

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME! Here comes Edge.
“So if Edge ever leaves, what would he wrestle as?” – Mike
“Lieutenant Charisma?” – Me

HEY! It’s Randy!

FINALLY! ARE YOU READY! It’s Shawn!

EDGE vs. ORTON vs. HBK
Stuff!

Shawn slides in and it begins with Orton and Edge beginning to beat him down. Orton and Edge throwing Shawn back and forth corner to corner.

They throw Shawn to the ropes and he ducks a clothesline to hit a double on both of them. Atomic drop to both now and a crossbody to Edge – nip up and he tosses Orton to the outside!

Shawn slams Edge down and holds his back for a second as he heads to the top turnbuckle. Orton spills him down. Orton and Edge toss Shawn over the top…. Randy though sizing Edge, but Edge catches him.

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51

Back in the ring, Edge has Shawn in a sleeper. Orton charges and they both duck so he heads to the outside.
“COMMERCIAL!” – Me

Edge and Shawn tumble down and get to their feet.. Shawn throws Edge to the ropes.. Reversed. Shawn ducks Edge’s clothesline and baseball slides Orton. Shawn stands up and charges Edge to eat a big foot in the face! For two.

Edge beats down now on Shawn. Heads to the top and Shawn runs up to fight it out with him. Edge ends up throwing him down… but as Edge is just about ready – Shawn charges him again. He turns around and eats the v3 from Orton for two!

Now Orton hits the Garvin stomp. Solid kneedrop. Continues to beat down on HBK. Beautiful dropkick for two! He argues with the ref.
“He’s building up his dirty meter.” – Eric

Back on their feet now he hits a few more European uppercuts. Shawn finally reverses it into a backslide for two! RANDY HITS THE RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! Awesome.. ONE… TWO… Edge pulls him out!

Edge goes for the pin.. ONE.. TWO… Randy stops him. They go nose to nose and fight it out… finally shaking hands to hit Shawn. Until both swing at the same time on each other. Orton throws him to the ropes and Edge kicks him in the gut. Randy goes for the RKO! Pushed out! Edge sizes up for the Spear! Runs in.. Randy jumps it!

Edge and Randy charge each other…. double cross body… both are down! Shawn on the outside is crawling into the ring slowly. He heads to the top turnbuckle. Hits the elbow on Edge! Humps the mat.
“Wait for him to finish… waaaaaaait.” – Me

Shawn takes his position in the corner!
J – E – S – U – S – C – HRIST!

Edge ducks the leg! Randy catches the leg! Shawn drops back so Edge spears Orton! Edge turns.. WHACK! SUPERKICK!

Shawn pins Randy.

THE END!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS

In the ring Cena shows up… they go face to face. Here comes Dave’s music. Finally Taker rises through the ring now and he goes nose to nose with Dave.
“Lashley in the back is packing his gym bag..” – Me
“Taker looked shorter, was Dave standing on a phone book?” – Insyder A Faceless Name

And then for no reason.. Cena’s music plays.
“BUY MY DVD! Buy it. It’s out.” – Mike
“We’re selling it. Over there.” – Eric

So what did the world think of the show:

“Best Raw I’ve seen to date.” – Jenna
“I liked it because it had a lot of wrestling, and not a lot of bullshitting.” – Mike
“I think WWE is getting scared of TNA and WSX.” – Hernandez
“TNA is next week..” – Eric
“WWE has to stop this. At this rate, we might start to expect good shows.” – Jeffrey

I think they said it all… remember kids, next week we review Impact! It’s a special Raw! Because it’s NOT RAW!