Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
As you all know from the famous and universally loved documentary Last Action Hero, it is possible to transfer from the real world to the reel world, usually by means of some sort of magical ticket.
But what if somebody has surreptitiously slipped some sorcerous stub onto your person?
How can one best detect if he/she has departed the reality we know and love, and ventured into the world of celluloid and sprockets?
Well, CPO has always been an instrument of teaching, a fountain of knowledge, and a Monte Cristo sandwich of erudition.
How to tell if your life has become a movie
Clue 1: Ugly people disappear.
I want you to think about the tryout weeks on American Idol. I want you to think about the contestants on those first couple of shows each season.
If the people around you are significantly better looking that those people, you are probably in a movie. In movies, nerds are pretty people with glasses; goths are pretty people with weird makeup; dorks are pretty people that snort when they laugh.
Please note: if the people around you have incredibly low BMIs, you are probably in an A-picture. If the women around you are nubile, breasty, and/or scantily clad, and the men around you are square-jawed meat-sacks, then you are probably in a B-picture.
If the former is true, you are probably safe from everything save cancer.
If the latter is true please consult The B-Movie Survival Guide, ISBN 0-9669817-07.
Clue 2: Shooting
To be clear, seeing shooting doesn’t necessarily mean that you are living in a movie. Otherwise, the half the people on Chicago’s south-side would be Oscar nominees. But there are certain clues one can use to determine whether or not the shooting is real life, or Hollywood simulacrum.
Pay attention to what happens when a person is shot. If they start bleeding and slowly die, you are probably in the real world. If they fly either backwards through glass or forwards over a railing, you are probably living in the film world.
Look for the accompanying symptoms of reel life:
a. Continuous shooting without reloading.
b. Conspicuous lack of collateral damage/ innocent bystander casualties.
c. Suspicious accuracy with hand gun fire.
d. Suspicious lack of accuracy with “bad guy” machine pistol fire.
e. Machine guns fired in bursts greater than 3 rounds.
f. Bullets that flash or spark.
g. Bullets that kill without causing any noticeable bleeding or injury.
Please note: If the shooting is accompanied by doves flying in slow motion, you are most likely in a John Woo film, or Woo knock-off.
Clue 3: Explosions
If something as simple as a simple fender bender causes a massive explosion, chances are that you are living in the movie world. This is assuming that we aren’t talking about those pickups with the gas tanks on the outside of their frame.
Similarly, one must watch for any number of household items and/or malls to explode, particularly if one has the misfortune to get trapped in a Chuck Norris film.
Clue 4: Exposition
If people start recapping things unnecessarily, you are probably in a movie. For instance, say you and your wife have just gotten into the car in order to drive to Madison, Wisconsin. If your wife says something like, “The Johnstons are going to Madison,” it is more likely than not that you are living in the movie or TV world.
Likewise, be suspicious if your employer starts describing your regular duties and/or routine terminology with a strange attention to detail. “Johnston, as you know, we make chicken wings here. Buffalo wings were first innovated at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York over 30 years ago.” or “Johnston, I want you to make ice. For you to accomplish this, you must have the water drop to a temperature less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Water will not freeze unless it gets at least that cold, Johnston!”
Clue 5: Radios
You will notice a change in radios, if you cross over to the movie world. Radios will no longer play commercials for TV shows or McDonald’s. If you turn on a radio, you will never just catch the tail end of a song; the song will have just started.
If you live in the movie world, radio news broadcasts are always immediately applicable to your life. If they speak of a car accident, some one you love was in that accident. If the brodcast is about zombies, you are about to be attacked by zombies. If you have just lost your job, the broadcast will be about unemployment.
Please note: depending on your situation, you may find that most radio stations play only interminable instrumental ’50ish rock music.
Clue 6: Storms
If you find yourself in the movie world, moments of great drama will invariably coincide with thunderstorms. The easiest way to tell if you are still a part of the real world is to keep track of the amount of time between the flash of lighting and the roar of thunder. In the real world, if a bolt of lighting is a mile away it takes about 6 seconds for you to hear the sound of thunder.
In the movie world the thunder always occurs simultaneously with the lightning.
Clue 7: You can see the boom mike
Clue 8: Missing walls
If several rooms you frequent contains only three walls, chances are you have warped in the world of movies and or television. In the real world, for instance, a living room has four walls, each with accompanying furniture. If you are living in a sitcom or film, you most likely have a couch facing forward to an empty space containing only a phantom TV. Be suspicious if you visit a room with shelves of books on three walls, but a big empty space as the fourth wall.
Clue 9: Vampires
There are no vampires. If you see vampires or experience vampire-like activity, you are living in the movie world.
Please note: as our resident suspected blood sucker can attest, while vampires are fiction there are those in our reality who profess to be vampire hunters.
Clue 10: Psychic accuracy
If a psychic says something that is specific, useful, and ultimately accurate, you have left our known reality. Click here for more details.
Clue 11: He was a cop, and good at his job, until he …
If your policeman friend is set to avenge the murder of his partner by a local crime lord, chances are you are living in a movie.
Clue 12: Pee? No, noir!
If you meet a hooker with a heart of gold, chances are you are living in a movie.
Please note: if a hooker accosts you on a known crack block and part of her sales pitch is: “I just, I just, really need a shower,” I can assure you that you are definitely in the real world.
Clue 13: Boxing
Movie boxing and real-life boxing are drastically different things. More punches are thrown in one round of movie boxing than in the entire career of a real world boxer.
Please note: If two white guys are fighting for a prestigious heavyweight title, chances are you are living in a movie.
Clue 14: Zombies
Please note: this rule of thumb is null and void if you happen to live in or near Haiti.
Clue 15: Dramatic speech
If ever you here the phrase, “you’ll live to regret this!” or “I will not be denied my vengeance!” chances are … well, you know.
Clue 16: Hitchhikers
You are riding in a vehicle with friends. The weather is beautiful. You pass an odd looking drifter looking for a ride. If someone in your car thinks it is a good idea to pick him up, consider yourself movie-dead.
Clue 17: If you encounter quicksand.
Clue 18: Profession of love
If you spot a married man making a long and/or involved romantic monologue declaring his love for his wife, you have entered the land of Hollywood. If a man has been married for more than 5 years, grand romantic gestures are limited to resisting the urge to shush the wife during a Bears game and/or not pissing on the toilet seat.
Clue 19: Overdressed
If you see women wearing heels in the grocery store, you have probably left the comfort of our reality. Also, be on the lookout if you go some time without seeing anybody wearing old sweat pants.
Likewise, be suspicious if all the ladies around you wear bras that match their panties. If you notice this phenomenon, well, this film might turn out quite well for you.
Clue 20: Potty breaks
If neither you nor anyone you know has gone to the bathroom today, you are probably living in a movie.
Clue 21: The Luke Perry Rule
Be suspicious is highschool teens all look to be in their mid to late twenties.
Clue 22: A game of Punnett Squares
This one might also indicate being trapped in the sitcom world: be suspicious if all the brunets you know have blond kids.
Clue 23: If you see a cool sword fight …
Or really, any sword fight outside of a yuppie fencing match.
Clue 24: Fuzzy Geography
For instance: You pick up a friend at ORD. You are driving the friend from there to Hyde Park by means of going northbound on the Drive.
If this or something similar happens to you, you are probably in a light rom-com.
Clue 25: Pet Check
If your dog appears noble or intelligent and/or starts acting with dignity, you have entered the world of cinema.
Clue 26: Steve Buscemi appears in a minor role
Clue 27: Addendum to rule number 1
If you encounter a club of hackers where everybody looks more like Johnny Lee Miller, Angelina Jolie, or Keanu Reeves than say Comic Book Guy than you are for damn sure living in a movie.
Clue 28: Special Boston Rule!
If terrorists put LEDs on their bombs, you are living in a movie, and will most likely be saved by a Steven Seagal type. You can be extra sure of you celluloid existence if the terrorists include a digital clock counting backwards to the moment of detonation (just cuz terrorists love drama).
Clue 29: The Friends Rule
If you live in a giant apartment in NYC, LA, Boston or Chicago and are not independently wealthy, your apartment is probably missing that fourth wall of Clue 8.
And finally,
Clue 30: If your continuity is constantly being retconned by nerds, not only are you living in a movie, you are living in a franchise.
Goddamn.
