The 49th Annual Grammy Awards ceremony is set for this Sunday, Feb. 11, at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, will be hosted by Comedy Central’s political satirist Stephen Colbert, and will be broadcast on CBS. It will also feature a performance by the recently reunited Police, along with performances by artists including Justin Timberlake, Gnarls Barkley, Christina Aguilera, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Carrie Underwood, Shakira, Anal Cunt and more. Okay, maybe not Anal Cunt, but that joke never gets old. In the spirit of good fun/journalistic integrity, the staff here at Machine Gun Funk decided to get together for a roundtable discussion on selected categories from the 108 awards to be presented at the ceremony…
RECORD OF THE YEAR
“Be Without You” – Mary J. Blige
“You’re Beautiful” – James Blunt
“Not Ready to Make Nice” – Dixie Chicks
“Crazy” – Gnarls Barkley
“Put Your Records On” – Corinne Bailey Rae
Mathan Erhardt: I swear, if James takes this, I’ll take a dump and throw it at someone. Mary doesn’t stand a chance. I’ve yet to hear the Dixie song, but it’s such a statement I doubt it’ll win. That leaves Gnarls and Rae. I’m honestly tired of Gnarls and Rae’s kind of cute. I’m going Rae.
Prediction: “Put Your Records On” – Corinne Bailey Rae
J. R. Fernandez: I agree with Math. James Blunt is absolutely useless. Yeah, I know that frat girls and my mom really enjoy it because it’s chock full of mush-tacular songwriting, but frat girls will buy anything as long as it gets played enough on the radio, and my mom (as much as I love her) has had a rough history with tastes in music, especially as of late (see Mraz, Jason and Powter, Daniel: another useless wad). That said, I would like to see either Mary J. or Gnarls Barkley win this, but I predict that the country’s fascination with mediocrity will continue, and The Useless One will prevail, subsequently resulting in many more of his useless albums being sold.
Prediction: “You’re Beautiful” – James Blunt
Mike Eagle: I’m assuming that by “record”, that they mean “song”. The use of extinct media in the category is enough of a reason not to take this garbage seriously. If I had to vote “least garbage out of what is provided”, I’d have to go with Gnarls. the only other song in the mix that I’ve even heard is Mary J’s, but since my wife doesn’t beat me I can’t identify.
Prediction: “Crazy” – Gnarls Barkley
Bambi Weavil: Even though my personal pick would be Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready to Make Nice,” I don’t see the Grammys making nice with the Dixie Chicks with this record since it wasn’t a top 40 favorite as much as the others. I’m going to say it will go to “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley because James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” feels older and “Crazy” was in constant spin for the last year.
Prediction: “Crazy” – Gnarls Barkley
Daniel Kozuh: This one time, I had a really nasty flu and I actually vomited a better record of the year than these nominees. Swear to God. Ask my mom.
Winners: The mominees record companies
Losers: The American Public
Prediction: “Crazy” – Gnarls Barkley
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Taking the Long Way – Dixie Chicks
St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
Continuum – John Mayer
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
FutureSex/LoveSounds – Justin Timberlake
Mathan: Chili Peppers? Really? That album was more bloated than Elvis’ corpse. I do think that Gnarls will take this one as a symbol of how “cool” and “hip” this awards show is.
Prediction: St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
Fernandez: I’d really, really like to think that St. Elsewhere can beat out four other media darlings, but I think that if Cee-Lo Goodie and DJ Danger Mouse are to be thrown a bone anywhere during this thing, it’ll be for something a bit lower on the totem pole. That’s just the way it works out. So, with that one ruled out, it’s more or less a crapshoot amongst the other four, so I’m going with John Mayer because I respect him for f*cking Jessica Simpson and then dumping her stupid ass. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Prediction: Continuum – John Mayer
Mike Eagle: I guess I was dumb to expect TV on the Radio to have a shot at this. In my eyes they are the best band with any sort of national recognition. If TVOTR is too underground for a Grammy, I am FUCKED in trying to make it through these predictions. Again, the only album on this list that I’ve heard is Gnarls, and I thought it was pretty huff. I’ll pick Justin, because FutureSex is some funny shit to hear white teenagers ask their parents for.
Prediction: FutureSex/LoveSounds by Justin Timberlake
Bambi: FutureSex/LoveSounds by Justin Timberlake because he is the hot male star in music today.
Prediction: FutureSex/LoveSounds by Justin Timberlake
Daniel Kozuh: I am not one to tell someone to go back to drugs. But apparently Anthony Kiedis NOT high only knows how to talk about quitting drugs and list the names of states. I sort of hope they have a little youthful rebellion in them still, pull a Sex Pistols, and not show up at all. Oh wait, they are performing. I remember when the “Under the Bridge” video came out and there was the shot of Kiedis running. I wanted long hair like that so sweat would ship off of it while I ran. That would show my jerk of a cross-country coach. I am going with Barkley because I think the voters are going to pat themselves on the back in the surprising turn of events in nominating an actually talented artist and not 30 years past their prime.
Prediction: St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
BEST NEW ARTIST
James Blunt
Chris Brown
Imogen Heap
Corinne Bailey Rae
Carrie Underwood
Mathan: Actually, if James isn’t completely shut out I’m hurling turds in someone’s direction. I’ve got a Heap EP from like ’98, so she’s not getting my vote for “new.” Chris, that punk, needs to learn some respect so he’s not getting my vote. I’m not voting for an Idol this time out; looks like Rae’s taking it again.
Prediction: Corinne Bailey Rae
Fernandez: I’ve got it whittled down to The Useless One and Carrie Underwood. If I could control this, Carrie Underwood would win, and then she would fall head-over-heels in-love with me because I allowed her to get the Grammy; something that she’s been dreaming of for the past 18 months. We would then have a fight and break up after I try to get her to ditch pop-country for drum ‘n’ bass to team up with Roni Size. Katharine McPhee, still a little salty after losing last year’s American Idol would feel for me, and, wanting to spite idol winner Carrie Underwood, she would dump her 45-year-old boyfriend and ask me to marry her. I would accept, and we would have an amazing relationship with plenty of sex and no kids (because I hate kids) where we travel the world and live like royalty. Also, since Katharine McPhee is a goddess, she would make me immortal. Carrie Underworld would later realize that I was right about Roni Size, after The Great Drum ‘n’ Bass Surge of 2013, and would end up doing it after all. But, f*ck, I see The Useless One stealing this award, too.
Prediction: James Blunt
Mike Eagle: I don’t know who any of these people are. Wait, I know who Chris Brown is, he looks like what would happen if Paula Abdul and El Debarge broke a rubber. Yeah, and Corinne is the chick in the Starbuck’s carousel. I’m convinced that the rest of them don’t really exist. I’m going with Imogen Heap, because it’s the best fake name that I’ve ever read.
Prediction: Imogen Heap
Bambi: This is a interesting category, since Carrie Underwood is the American Idol nominee. I think Imogen Heap deserves this more than James Blunt, for being a diverse and non-traditional artist, but I’m choosing James Blunt because I don’t think he will walk away empty-handed.
Prediction: James Blunt
Daniel Kozuh: Should we take issue with the fact that many of these people are not new artists? And a few still aren’t artists at all. I don’t know Chris Brown and I have never heard his music before. I looked him up one the Internet and saw a picture of him. That boy has an attitude problem.
Prediction: Carrie Underwood
BEST FEMALE POP PERFORMANCE
“Ain’t No Other Man” – Christina Aguilera
“Unwritten” – Natasha Bedingfield
“You Can Close Your Eyes” – Sheryl Crow
“Stupid Girls” – Pink
“Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” – KT Tunstall
Mathan: I honestly don’t like any of these songs. There’s no winner in this bunch. But I’m going for Primo by way of X-tina.
Prediction: “Ain’t No Other Man” – Christina Aguilera
Fernandez: “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” is an irritating song, and it tries too hard to be some sort of coffeehouse anthem with its way-too repetitive “woo-hoo” chorus (yes, even worse than The 5, 6, 7, 8’s) that makes me want to jab my brain with a Q-Tip to make it stop. Natsha Bedingfield is not bad, but I think “These Words” was leaps and bounds above “Unwritten”, which is pretty cookie-cutter as far as female pop vocal tracks go. The only song that I actually like out of these is “Ain’t No Other Man”, which was surprisingly brilliant thanks to DJ Premier, but I think that the Powers That Be will choose KT Tunstall because they want my head to explode.
Prediction: “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” – KT Tunstall
Mike Eagle: Christina. … This is the only way to justify Premier’s involvement.
Prediction: “Ain’t No Other Man” – Christina Aguilera
Bambi: This is probably the hardest category to decide on. Sheryl Crow is the weak link on the list, which is amazing to say because she is a music veteran standard and probably the role models for at least half of this list. I don’t believe the Grammys feel Natasha Bedingfield is ready for a Grammy, not yet. In 2004, Pink won for Best Female Rock Vocal Performance for “Trouble,” but I’m Not Dead hasn’t done well commercially, so I don’t see Pink being rewarded in this category. However, it would be ironic (and a treat) since “Stupid Girls” is a great jab at how women are portrayed in media as stupid, superficial and out of touch, including popular culture and music. KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” was a popular song but I don’t know if I would have placed it in this category. It could end up being the surprise hit but I don’t know if it’s enough to beat out Christina Aguilera. Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” is going to run away with this one because of the amazing air play and if the Grammys continue with their tradition, she’ll win after or before she performs her song. Aguilera is already a Grammy favorite, having won this category in 2004 with “Beautiful.”
Prediction: “Ain’t No Other Man” – Christina Aguilera
Daniel Kozuh: When I know someone should win and I know for a fact they won’t, it angers me. KT Tunstall should win. This Sunday, when they announce Pink’s name, I’m still going to shout, “What the hell!†I’ll give Pink one thing, though; she is a strong woman in music. She doesn’t need no man. It’s not a million love songs written by someone else.
Prediction: “Stupid Girls” – Pink
BEST MALE POP PERFORMANCE
“You’re Beautiful” – James Blunt
“Save Room” – John Legend
“Waiting on the World to Change” – John Mayer
“Jenny Wren” – Paul McCartney
“Bad Day” – Daniel Powter
Mathan: Powter sucks. McCartney is uber past his prime. Blunt is Satan. Mayer, I didn’t dig this joint. But “Save Room” is fire. And the video is pretty dope too. Legend all the way.
Prediction: “Save Room” – John Legend
Fernandez: What a mess. Seriously, what have I done to deserve a category with The Useless One and Daniel Powter? The only ones out of this category that are worthy are Johns Mayer and Legend, but I have a feeling that The Useless One will continue his absurd streak of wins. Hey, Nostradamus did predict that the world would end during our lifetime.
Prediction: “You’re Beautiful” – James Blunt
Mike Eagle: All these guys’ first names are books of the Bible. I declare shenanigans! I’m going with Daniel. He lived with lions, ya know…
Prediction: “Bad Day” – Daniel Powter
Bambi: Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” will take this without any major challenger other than James Blunt. “Bad Day” is ridiculously catchy and so much so that American Idol made it their theme last season.
Prediction: “Bad Day” – Daniel Powter
Daniel Kozuh: Remember in the “You’re Beautiful†video he jumps off the cliff at the end? That is sounding pretty good right now. Do you also remember when McCartney switched the credits to the Beatle songs from Lennon/McCartney to McCartney/Lennon? What a jerk. Mayer reminds me of that creepy, greasy guy that hangs out at every party you go to and somehow leaves with the most beautiful girl there. Powter is dyslexic, which would make for a good “charity case†win. Like that blind guy. My vote is on Legend.
Prediction: “Save Room” – John Legend
BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
“My Humps” – The Black Eyed Peas
“I Will Follow You Into the Dark” – Death Cab for Cutie
“Over My Head (Cable Car)” – The Fray
“Is It Any Wonder?” – Keane
“Stickwitu” – The Pussycat Dolls
Mathan: Wow. I’m shocked at the variety in this category. Let’s just count out BEPs and PCDs off the bat. I kind of dig the Fray, sort of, but not really. Keane is cool, but DCFC is where my vote lies.
Prediction: “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” – Death Cab for Cutie
Fernandez: Uh-oh, I had a feeling that those damned Black Eyed Peas would rear their ugly heads sooner or later. “My Humps” is the most worthless piece of musical tripe to ever come out of this group, and even though I think it has a really good chance to win due to ubiquity of it, I can’t even select it because I would feel filthy. With that one ruled out, I’m pretty stymied as to who is in the best standing with THe Powers That Be. The Fray got played out something fierce, so I’m going with that one.
Prediction: “Over My Head (Cable Car)” – The Fray
Mike Eagle: I have a testicle each for the Peas and the Dolls… no, not each member, but each group. I don’t know who the rest of the people are, but it would be funny if Fergie got mad and peed on all of them. … I pick Death Cab. I had planned on checking them out on the strength of the name alone… before I knew they were in the same category as Fergie.
Prediction: “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” – Death Cab for Cutie
Bambi: Since they remind me of the Spice Girls, The Pussycat Dolls will take this award, even though “My Humps” is a strong maybe. Both The Pussycat Dolls and The Black Eyed Peas (ya know, Fergie’s group) are popular in general, and will probably be in this category next year, at least, Fergie will.
Prediction: “Stickwitu” – The Pussycat Dolls
Daniel Kozuh: I think nominating “My Humps†for an award is a silly little bet some Grammy officials made to try and pass off gutter trash for a proper lady. Like in My Fair Lady. Sort of like when frat guys have the part where they try and bring the ugliest chick to the party. The next three have all been “Music featured on this episode of The O.C.†or some other quick-witted TV drama. There should be a rule in the Grammys that if a song is not a work in any language it can’t be nominated. “Stickwitu†sounds like a girl who is stuck going to prom with her second choice.
Prediction: “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” – Death Cab for Cutie
BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
“For Once in My Life” – Tony Bennett & Stevie Wonder
“One” – Mary J. Blige & U2
“Always on Your Side” – Sheryl Crow & Sting
“Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
“Hips Don’t Lie” – Shakira & Wyclef Jean
Mathan: God, this just keeps getting more and more depressing. It really breaks down to Shakira & Wyclef Jean vs. Nelly and Tim. And I’m going for Nelly and Tim in a “lesser of two evils” that rivals the 2004 Presidential election.
Prediction: “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
Fernandez: It’s really grown me, that “Promiscuous” song. Maybe it’s because I kind of like the idea that Nelly Furtado might actually be promiscuous. That subliminal gives me that impression that I would have a chance with her. That, and the song is actually pretty good if you can get past the fact that she’s done a complete 180° with music career, vis-à -vis her style. Shakira is another strong possibility, as “Hips Don’t Lie” was getting about the same club play as “Promiscuous”, but a few months earlier. The only other one that stands a chance is “One”, but I don’t think it’s going to woo the judges as much as the thought of a loose Nelly Furtado.
Prediction: “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
Mike Eagle: Sheryl and Sting for being real enough not to go find a negro to sing with.
Prediction: “Always on Your Side” – Sheryl Crow & Sting
Bambi: “Hips Don’t Lie” with Shakira and Wyclef Jean was such a fun song, but I don’t know if it will edge out the other fun song “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland. Furtado, unlike Shakira, is becoming more dependable as far as delivering pop hits and because of that, I’m predicting “Promiscuous” will be the winner.
Prediction: “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
Daniel Kozuh: When I think of Tony Bennett & Stevie Wonder singing together I am reminded of that vacuum commercial where Fred Astaire is digitally dancing with a Hoover. I saw Nelly Furtado live once at Area: One, that ego fest for Moby. She came out and did a guest spot for “South Side”. Moby was being all creepy on her. I felt bad. Here’s a question. How come Shakira & Wyclef get a nomination but when Wyclef and Dwayne “The Rock†Johnston cut the single “It Doesn’t Matter†no one in the Grammy office smelled what The Rock was cooking?
Prediction: “One” – Mary J. Blige & U2 (When in doubt, go with Bono)
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM
Back to Basics – Christina Aguilera
Back to Bedlam – James Blunt
The River in Reverse – Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint
Continuum – John Mayer
FutureSex/LoveSounds – Justin Timberlake
Mathan: I hate JT (but love JTT, go figure) so he can burn in hell. Mayer just didn’t impress me this time out. I’ve yet to hear the Costello/Toussaint paring, but I’m sure it’s worthy. Still, I’m casting my vote Primo via Christina.
Prediction: Back to Basics – Christina Aguilera
Fernandez: While The Useless One could very well continue his onslaught, I’m going to go out on a limb and choose XXX-tina, as I’ve been hearing that this album is just the cat’s ass, and I’m also afraid that if I keep selecting James Blunt people are going to think that I’m a closet Blunt fan. Fuck you. I’ll take a polygraph. I went to Mexico and I still couldn’t escape that f*cker.
Prediction: Back to Basics – Christina Aguilera
Mike Eagle: Oh, How the hell should I know?!?
Prediction: ???
Bambi: Another interesting category, I believe it’s between Aguilera and Timberlake. Back to Basics, from a vocal standpoint, should win it, but you can never underestimate Justin Timberlake.
Prediction: FutureSex/LoveSounds – Justin Timberlake
Daniel Kozuh: I want everyone to know that my prediction is that of what I THINK will win, that what I WANT to win. I once woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream that had a sub-plot about Elvis Costello and Christina Aguilera being nominated in the same category at the Grammys. Now that has come true, I am terrified Jeffrey Dahmer is going to rise from the grave and force me to take a Gun Repair course from a local technical college. At least then I could shoot myself and not have to listen to any of these horrible nominations. ZING!
Prediction: FutureSex/LoveSounds – Justin Timberlake
BEST DANCE RECORDING
“Suffer Well” – Depeche Mode
“Ooh La La” – Goldfrapp
“Get Together” – Madonna
“I’m With Stupid” – Pet Shop Boys
“SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Mathan: Haven’t heard them all, but I kind of dig Goldfrapp as it’s way catchy. So I’m going with them.
Prediction: “Ooh La La” – Goldfrapp
Fernandez: Included in this category should’ve been “World, Hold On (Children of the Sky)” by Bob Sinclar, but Madonna just had to be nominated in something, as her album was apparently too rough to snag any nods in the larger, non-genre-specific categories. Depeche Mode and Pet Shop Boys both getting nominated is like a breath of minty fresh air amid a sea of rotten egg farts. These types of nominees show up every year, but rarely do they manage to win over the Justin Timberlakes and Madonnas of the music industry. “SexyBack” is a solid track that is one of my guilty pleasures, although “I’m With Stupid” blows it out of the water on production alone. However, I don’t think the Pet Shops will be able to beat Justin Timbaland, because people are dumb and love that which is most familiar.
Prediction: “SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Mike Eagle: This is the strangest damned bunch of people ever assembled. It’s the Great Lakes Avengers of Sound. I’m going with Justin again. It takes a real con artist to bring back some shit that never left.
Prediction: “SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Bambi: “SexyBack” by Justin Timerberlake and Timbaland without any hesitation. Madonna would have the second best chance, but I think she has another category to win.
Prediction: “SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Daniel Kozuh: I wonder if Timberlake and Timbaland had a baby what they would name it. Know what I would name it? Kevin Federline!!! Get it??? I found a secret level in Zelda once where you swim the magical Timber Lake in the middle of the haunted woods of Timba Land. Watch out for Gorgs. Or is that Fraggle Rock? What do I mean by all of this gibberish? Depeche Mode should win.
Prediction: “SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
BEST ELECTRONIC/DANCE ALBUM
Supernature – Goldfrapp
Confessions on a Dance Floor – Madonna
A Lively Mind – Paul Oakenfold
Fundamental – Pet Shop Boys
The Garden – Zero 7
Mathan: Color me completely lost. I’m going for Zero 7 based on their past stuff.
Prediction: The Garden – Zero 7
Fernandez: 50 Cent must be proud of his little friend Paul Oakenfold, who’s become the slightly more tolerable Fatboy Slim of the new millennium. I think that after being robbed in the “Best Dance Recording” category, the Pet Shop Boys will manage to eke one out over Madonna, causing one of the biggest rifts in the gay community since Chris Cox challenged Peter Rauhofer to a Boystown Street Fight, back in 2003, after Rauhofer snagged a Britney Spears remix that Cox wanted to do first. They ended up both doing a remix of the same song, and the tension was resolved, although they still talk shit about each other behind each other’s backs.
Prediction: Fundamental – Pet Shop Boys
Mike Eagle: Chicken Noodle Soup.
Bambi: Confessions on a Dance Floor should be the winner here—the energy on the album is incredible and translated well on Madonna’s last tour.
Prediction: Confessions on a Dance Floor – Madonna
Daniel Kozuh: Three MS Word pages in and we finally found an album that broke my top 20 of last year. Zero 7 was, and is, one of the best electronic albums I have ever heard. And that was before I heard them on the Garden State soundtrack. If you haven’t heard it, check out the tracks “Waiting To Die†and “Pageant of the Bizarreâ€. They found a wonderful and powerful mellow atmosphere out of the electronic noises.
Prediction: Confessions on a Dance Floor – Madonna
BEST SOLO ROCK VOCAL PERFORMANCE
“Nausea” – Beck
“Someday Baby” – Bob Dylan
“Route 66” – John Mayer
“Saving Grace” – Tom Petty
“Lookin’ for a Leader” – Neil Young
Mathan: Five white guys. Little Richard must be rolling over in his grave. I’ll go for Mayer because Dave Chappelle co-signed for him…once.
Prediction: “Route 66” – John Mayer
Fernandez: I predict that one of the three exhumed/reanimated corpses will win this award, and since everybody seems to be lauding Bob Dylan album as the greatest thing since sliced bread, I’m going to go ahead and choose him. Expect the only part of his acceptance speech not to be completely unintelligible to be the part where Kanye West storms the stage and throws a shit fit. Hey, he might be an arrogant dickbag, but at least you can understand him.
Prediction: “Someday Baby” – Bob Dylan
Mike Eagle: This is just sad.
Bambi: I feel very sedated about this category in general. This year felt more pop-centered, but John Mayer is a consistently good crossover.
Prediction: “Route 66” – John Mayer
Daniel Kozuh: The true question is, which old timer is the Grammy association going to feel bad about not honoring in their heyday and try to make up for their mistakes? A sure bet is Dylan, but it seems too obvious. Young is due, but Petty seems fresher in people’s minds.
Prediction: “Saving Grace” – Tom Petty
BEST HARD ROCK PERFORMANCE
“Crazy Bitch” – Buckcherry
“Every Day Is Exactly the Same” – Nine Inch Nails
“Lonely Day” – System of a Down
“Vicarious” – Tool
“Woman” – Wolfmother
Mathan: Can you ever go wrong with NIN? Soundtrack to dismembering a corpse? Soundtrack to a wedding? Baby shower? I’m going for Trent ‘n’ ’em.
Prediction: “Every Day Is Exactly the Same” – Nine Inch Nails
Fernandez: Nine Inch Nails would be the most obvious choice based on their track record alone, however, I think all of these have a shot except for Wolfmother. If Wolfmother wins, I will more than likely edit this to make it look like I didn’t say that, but for now, it stands as my statement. I’d like to see Buckcherry win so that their comeback is a truly successful one. While “Crazy Bitch” isn’t as catchy as 1999’s “Lit Up”, they’ve kept it real with straightforward, street-drug-and-groupie-laced cock rock that is fresh and fun when compared to the rest. I’ll take a chance and predict that who I want to win will actually win.
Prediction: “Crazy Bitch” – Buckcherry
Mike Eagle: Anyone but Wolfmother. I like System of a Down because they’re Armenian.
Prediction: “Lonely Day” – System of a Down
Bambi: If MySpace is ever a judge on what is popular, Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch” was on many MySpace profiles over the course of the year. I would like to see Buckcherry take home the Grammy for this based on that alone.
Prediction: “Crazy Bitch” – Buckcherry
Daniel Kozuh: Well, I guess since Zeppelin didn’t win a Grammy (With the exception of the lifetime achievement award in 2005) so perhaps it’s fitting for Wolfmother not to win. Tool’s song about L.A. sinking into the ocean might have left a few raw nerves. System of a Down doesn’t speak to highly of Hollywood either. NIN won already. So all we have left is the worst band on the list.
Prediction: “Crazy Bitch” – Buckcherry
BEST METAL PERFORMANCE
“Redneck” – Lamb of God
“Colony of Birchmen” – Mastodon
“Lies, Lies, Lies” – Ministry
“Eyes of the Insane” – Slayer
“30/30-150” – Stone Sour
Mathan: Man, where’s Tom D when you need him? I think I recall him diggin’ Mastodon, and I dig elephants. So I’ll go for Mastodon.
Prediction: “Colony of Birchmen” – Mastodon
Fernandez: I don’t like any of them except for Ministry and Slayer, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that both of them are nominated for a Grammy. 20 years ago this would have been absurd, and that’s beauty of this brave new world that we live in. I’ve been hearing a lot of good stuff about Mastodon, but I didn’t much like that song, and although I saw Lamb of God at the Bottom Lounge some four years ago and it was a decent show, I can’t see them snagging the win here. Then again, what do I know… Lamb of God it is.
Prediction: “Redneck” – Lamb of God
Mike Eagle: I abstain.
Bambi: Stone Sour has the best chance for taking home Best Metal Performance based on its airplay alone. The rest seem to be filler.
Prediction: “30/30-150” – Stone Sour
Daniel Kozuh: How come all metal heads love to go to swap meets and look for knives?
Prediction: “Eyes of the Insane” – Slayer
BEST ROCK ALBUM
Try! – John Mayer Trio
Highway Companion – Tom Petty
Broken Boy Soldiers – The Raconteurs
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Living With War – Neil Young
Mathan: I’m glad the JMT is getting some props. But I’m going with the Raconteurs. I genuinely liked that album.
Prediction: Broken Boy Soldiers – The Raconteurs
Fernandez: The Red Hot Chili Peppers were my default pic in the AMA roundtable, and that working relatively well. Then again, they weren’t up against Tom Petty or John Mayer in that program, and I think both of those guys have a better chance of taking the Grammy here. I would rather sit through Norbit than listen to anything Neil Young has ever done. While Try! wasn’t really that rockin’, I’m going to predict that Tom Petty will win, and as he goes up to the stage to accept his award, he will prove that he is, in fact, a zombie, by attacking whomever is presenting him with his award and ultimately eating their brain onstage in front of millions of shocked viewers. One can only hope that the presenter will be either Sean Combs or Fred Durst… maybe both!
Prediction: Highway Companion – Tom Petty
Mike Eagle: Got-Damn! Why do they have the same category thirteen different times? ugh… (there you go Fernandez) Let’s see… f*ck Jack White, f*ck the “new” Anthony Kiedis, John Mayer is in a group and solo, so that’s cheating, and Tom Petty could beat up Neil Young in a fist fight. so he wins.
Prediction: Highway Companion – Tom Petty
Bambi: Interesting and diverse category of musicians for Best Rock Album; I’d like to see Tom Petty’s Highway Companion take it on legend status alone.
Prediction: Highway Companion – Tom Petty
Daniel Kozuh: It only goes to figure that John Mayer’s ego was able to unlock the secrets of cloning. I bet they take showers together and spoon in the nude. The Raconteurs is the only album nominated on any of these lists that was in my top 10 from last year, so obviously I want them to win. Now you are all thinking that I am just some Jack White lackey. Untrue! I am a Brendan Benson lackey. I want to vote for Neil Young because they like to give awards to people past their prime. Oh, now you boo me. Boo, Neil is god!! Screw you, Kozuh! I loved that album, I did, but it is no where near “Ohioâ€, “Cinnamon Girlâ€, “Down By the Riverâ€, “Cortez the Killerâ€, or countless others. Neil’s getting’ old. Plain and simple. It’s time he retire to a rocking chair on his organic farm.
Prediction: Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM
Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Arctic Monkeys
At War With the Mystics – The Flaming Lips
St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
Show Your Bones – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Eraser – Thom Yorke
Mathan: Finally a category with more than one horse in the race. I liked what I heard of the Lips. I dug Karen O & Co, but I dug Gnarls even more. But Thom was on heavy rotation for me, so I’m voting for him.
Prediction: The Eraser – Thom Yorke
Fernandez: I don’t think that Gnarls Barkley is going to be able to snag any of the top awards for which they are nominated, so that allows them to take this award without angering too many James Blunt fans, while not having them go away empty-handed. Wait a minute… f*ck James Blunt and his fans. Gnarls Barkley is going to win this award as a big, fat middle finger in the general direction of The Useless One and all of his crappy fans.
Prediction: St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
Mike Eagle: I hope the lavatory on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ tour bus explodes while they’re sleeping.
Bambi: Gnarls Barkley is interesting because they can be placed into so many diverse categories without anyone questioning it. I believe St. Elsewhere will take this because the other contenders just aren’t strong enough to beat Gnarls Barkley’s popularity and momentum.
Prediction: St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley
Daniel Kozuh: This is my list! I could vote for Arctic Monkeys on account of how popular they are in London. The voters may try and seem cool. Gnarls is going to win other awards so they probably won’t take this one too. The Flaming Lips won an instrumental Grammy once but perhaps it is their time. This album is by far not their best work, but when has that mattered in the Grammy awards? Radiohead has won, so Thom probably won’t. That and the album was not very good. Yeah Yeah Yeahs are still a bit too underground, in my opinion.
Prediction: At War With the Mystics – The Flaming Lips
BEST FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
“Ring the Alarm” – Beyoncé
“Be Without You” – Mary J. Blige
“Don’t Forget About Us” – Mariah Carey
“Day Dreaming” – Natalie Cole
“I Am Not My Hair” – India.Arie
Mathan: I’d love to see Beyoncé accept this award (all pert and curvy with a hint of jiggle as she approached the podium) but I think that Mariah actually (gasp!) deserves it!. That song was everywhere.
Prediction: “Don’t Forget About Us” – Mariah Carey
Fernandez: Mary J. was so incredibly successful at the AMAs that I think her success will be echoed in this category, at least. Natalie Cole and India@!#Arie don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hades of beating out the other three heavyweights, and seeing that “Be Without You” kicks the shit out of Mariah and her fantastic boobs and Beyoncé and her fantastic ass, that’s my call.
Prediction: “Be Without You” – Mary J. Blige
Mike Eagle: They should have nominated all of Beyoncé’s singles. She’s got more talent in one of her hair weaves then all the rest combined.
Prediction: “Ring the Alarm” – Beyoncé
Bambi: I love this category because it’s the one category where I’m not questioning the right of any of the artists to be nominated. However, this is really between Mariah Carey’s “Don’t Forget About Us” and “Ring the Alarm” by Beyoncé. Both are talented and won’t suffer if they don’t win the award. Though I’m going back and forth with this in my head, I’m going to say Beyoncé is going to take this one home.
Prediction: “Ring the Alarm” – Beyoncé
Daniel Kozuh: Mary J. won’t win the big awards, sadly. But they will give her this one.
Prediction: “Be Without You” – Mary J. Blige
BEST MALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
“Heaven” – John Legend
“So Sick” – Ne-Yo
“Black Sweat” – Prince
“I Call It Love” – Lionel Richie
“Got You Home” – Luther Vandross
Mathan: C’mon, Prince is taking this one. Even over a dead Luther. I’m hoping for a cryptic acceptance speech full of vague references to obscure beliefs. That would totally rock.
Prediction: “Black Sweat” – Prince
Fernandez: Ne-Yo just has to know that he’s out of his league here. It’s like the Twins ending up in last year’s MLB playoffs—they shouldn’t have been there, and didn’t stand a f*cking chance. The bottom three are all legends, but the one named Legend will beat all of them, to show that he really can roll with the best of them. If John legend doesn’t win, except Kanye West to storm the stage on Legend’s behalf and throw a shit fit. Then again, even if Legend does win, expect Kanye West to storm the stage after being outraged that he wasn’t nominated for Best Male R&B Vocal Performance, and as a result the Grammys lose all credibility. How about that for a shoot diatribe that isn’t supposed to be a shoot diatribe?
Prediction: “Heaven” – John Legend
Mike Eagle: One of these guys used to sing back up for David Bowie. That’s the guy that wins.
Prediction: “Got You Home” – Luther Vandross
Bambi: As much as I’d like to see Luther Vandross get this since his passing, I believe it’s going to be John Legend’s “Heaven.”
Prediction: “Heaven” – John Legend
BEST RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE
“Touch It” – Busta Rhymes
“We Run This” – Missy Elliott
“Kick, Push” – Lupe Fiasco
“Undeniable” – Mos Def
“What You Know” – T.I.
Mathan: Another tough category. Busta was fire, over a year ago. Lupe’s joint is almost as old, but still holds up well. But I’m going for Mos, if only because Entertainment Weekly said that he was “closer to winning an Oscar than winning a Grammy.” Plus the song is dope.
Prediction: “Undeniable” – Mos Def
Fernandez: “Kick, Push” is probably the most prolific of the choices, while “Touch It” shows that you can sample Daft Punk and make it kick much more ass than the original. “What You Know” was one of my guilty pleasures, but it’s not really anything that deserves to be mentioned here. Ditto Missy Elliott. Mos Def is a long shot, so when it comes down to a dancefloor burner and a prolific track from a newcomer, I’ll give it to the rook.
Prediction: “Kick, Push” – Lupe Fiasco
Mike Eagle: T.I. because hip-hop is alive and well in his wine cellar (take that Nasir).
Prediction: “What You Know” – T.I.
Bambi: Missy Elliott’s “We Run This,” mostly because of her cross-over appeal based on working with many different artists over the years, has created new fans of rap music based on the exposure.
Prediction: “We Run This” – Missy Elliott
Daniel Kozuh: As a Chicago native and citizen, I really think there are better rappers here than Kanye and Lupe. Rhymefest comes to mind. I hated Lupe’s album, but it is going to win. I tried to skateboard once, I fell and cracked by back on a cement parking curb. I would rather experience that pain again, and risk being paralyzed, than hear “Kick, Push” again.
Prediction: “Kick, Push” – Lupe Fiasco
BEST RAP ALBUM
Lupe Fiasco’s Food & Liquor – Lupe Fiasco
Release Therapy – Ludacris
In My Mind – Pharrell Williams
Game Theory – The Roots
King – T.I.
Mathan: Wait, someone had the nerve to nominate Pharrell? That album was complete fecal matter. I really want Lupe to get this, because I think it would justify all of the hype and critical acclaim, and it’s a great album. But The Roots had a better album. Honestly, Game Theory should have been nominated for Album of the Year, “Rap Album” is far too limiting, and it beats the competition, soundly.
Prediction: Game Theory – The Roots
Fernandez: Mathan rated Pharrell’s album as a pile of shit, and T.I.’s album is pretty harsh except for a couple of songs. What about Donuts? Seriously, couldn’t they just nominated Dilla as a memorial? I haven’t even heard his album and I still know it’s better than Pharrell’s. I’d really like to see The Roots win here, and it’s a shame that this award wasn’t around in 1994, because Do You Want More?!!!??! would have been a shoo-in. I think Lupe Fiasco has a really good chance, but I’m going to go with Ludacris and his dope new haircut.
Prediction: Release Therapy – Ludacris
Mike Eagle: Game Theory sons everything else on this list. It’s time for these assholes to start breaking this rap thing into categories like they do with rock. Until then it’s all apples and pickles, kids.
Prediction: Game Theory – The Roots
Bambi: Ludacris’ Release Therapy.
Prediction: Release Therapy – Ludacris
Daniel Kozuh: It shocked me when Pharrell’s album sucked as badly as it did. Lupe is accessible to people who say they love all music but rap and country. They will listen to this and be all like, “Okay. I like this.†So, in the style of most of the rap albums I have heard of late the last track is twelve minutes of thanks you and shout outs. Thanks to God, my family, T-Ballz, Anth, Mo-mo, Aggy-tag, Duffy, Lil Duffy, Killa’ Wanna Dies, George, Nelson, William, Donna, Lori, Dan, Rodney, Steve, Mike, Jim, “Tiny Dancer”, all the cats at Live Long Records, Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Cathy, Shin Dig, Hunter S. Thompson, that kid in the Free Willy movies, the planet Venus, water, Dig Dug, the lizard in Dig Dug, my accountant Stephen Schwartz, my baby’s daddy, my daddy’s baby, and most importantly all of the overused jokes and white guilt I used to write this bit. Holla’ at your boy!
Prediction: Lupe Fiasco’s Food & Liquor – Lupe Fiasco
