Rasslin Roundtable: TNA Against All Odds

Features, Roundtables

NWA World Heavyweight Title
Christian Cage (c) vs. Kurt Angle

Kace: Holy WWE SmackDown, Batman! Screwy scenarios abound and Christian retains.
Winner – Christian Cage

Danny Cox: I think this match could be really enjoyable except for the fact that Steiner is back in the mix. You just know that he’s going to get involved for some reason or another in this match and I truly believe that Angle and he are going to start a feud for some reason or another. Samoa Joe being the enforcer is going to have some tension for CC and they feud leading to Joe’s first title reign. I just hope we don’t hear “HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME!”
Winner and Still Champ – Christian Cage

Winner – Christian Cage

Vinny Truncellito: Some combination of chicanery and buffoonery from Joe and Steiner will allow Christian to slip about the back door with his 10 pounds of gold, setting up all sorts of combinations of matches between Angle, Joe, Steiner and Cage.
Winner – Christian Cage

Eric Szulczewski: Oh, what a wonderful invitation for someone who books on crack like Russo tends to under these circumstances. Of course, everything here revolves around Joe. TNA’s clamped him down and forbidden him to do ROH shows because they’re about to give him the title. The problem here is, who does Joe win it from? I think even they have to realize that Joe/Angle is played out right now. Therefore, Joe wins the strap off Christian within the next month or two. That’ll give Christian a sufficient length of reign in this current run to be palatable. Of course, since this is Russo, expect something illogical and wacky like Joe helping Angle to win the belt so that he gets firsties. However, the siren sound of logic cannot be blocked.
Winner – Christian

David Brashear: Like Eric noted, the world title’s definitely in Joe’s future. The question is when? I don’t think it’s going to be long, and I think that Christian’s going to be the guy that he takes it from. I just suspect that Angle’s next feud will be coming out of this match, and I’m wondering who it will be against.
Winner – Christian

Prison Yard Match
Abyss vs. Sting

Danny Cox: Abyss looks like Mankind. But Abyss has hidden secrets that Sting has revealed. The Undertaker had secrets about the fire that Paul Bearer revealed. So Sting is Paul Bearer while Abyss is ManTaker? Anywho, matches like this never are entertaining. The rooftop match, graveyard match, etc they just aren’t interesting. From what I understand it’s a big cage type job which only makes me think of Punjab sp, pppppbbbbbttttttttttttt!
Winner – Abyss

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!
Winner – Sting

Vinny Truncellito: Russo-rific! This card is like WCW Uncensored or something with all the oddball gimmick matches. What they SHOULD do is resolve all this “struggle for humanity” garbage with Abyss and have him go bat shit psycho-heel and destroy Sting, using his legend to cement Abyss as a dominant, scary monster. I doubt that’s what we’ll see though, since Vinny Ru loves his ham-handed attempts at drama.
Winner – Sting

Eric Szulczewski: At this point, the only thing I want out of this match is for them to change the name to Turkish Prison Yard Match and have Sting, Abyss, and Mitchell all be ass-raped while a Giorgio Moroder soundtrack plays. The only question I have is this: does Sting really want to be Terry Funk, extending his career long past its sell-by through judicious use of garbage matches? He does have a legacy to uphold, and, well, he’s not Funk.
Winner – oh, God, I have to pick one…I’ll go with Sting because it’s the only way to really continue the Abyss turn.

David Brashear: I’m going to have to get into Russo mode to figure this one Hmmm This feud probably won’t end until we get a James Mitchell on a Pole match, so I’ll call Sting to keep things going.
Winner – Sting

Kace: Sting doesn’t want to be shown up by his British counterpart this week.
Winner: Sting

X-Division Championship
Chris Sabin (c) vs. Jerry Lynn

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!!
Winner – Chris Sabin

Vinny Truncellito: Lynn is there for a nostalgia title run, but to lend credibility to Sabin.
Winner – Sabin

Eric Szulczewski: So, is this the blowoff or what? Considering they have no damn clue what to do with the X Division right now, I don’t think it will be. That points to a Sabin victory.
Winner – Chris Sabin

David Brashear: I fully expect to see Jerry Lynn take the belt off Sabin, but I think it’ll happen in a gimmick match – Ultimate X, maybe? In other words, no title change just yet.
Winner – Sabin

Kace: TNA’s early attempt at 2007’s Feel Good story with Mr. JL getting the win and the belt, just so Don West can go batshit on commentary.
Winner: Jerry Lynn

Danny Cox: Sabin finally got the belt and I’m damn happy he did. Lynn coming out of “retirement” is fantastic but he doesn’t need the belt to keep anything going. He needs to be in there as a stepping stone for guys like Sabin who need that one little extra push to get over the top. Could possibly be match of the night.
Winner and Still Champ – HAIL SABIN!

James Storm & Miss Tennessee vs. Petey Williams & Gail Kim

Vinny Truncellito: It’d probably wise to keep Storm hot as a solo heel until he can get into some real feuds.
Winner – Storm and Jacqueline

Eric Szulczewski: Is this mixed or intergender? You do have the only two women on the roster who can go intergender in this match, you know. I’ll go with the heels on this one, since they’re the better wrestlers all around. However, you know that Jacqueline will eat the Canadian Destroyer during the apres.
Winners – Storm and Jacqueline

David Brashear: I still suspect that Chris Harris is going to interfere to set up his big return, and I think it’s getting about that time. Storm eats a pin from Gail Kim after Harris nails him with a bottle.
Winners – Petey & Gail

Kace: This could be entertaining if nothing else.
Winner: James Storm & Miss Tennessee

Danny Cox: So Chris Harris is Marty Jannetty in other words? But I thought Storm was the drunken one? Oh well. As long as Williams and Storm stay in the ring, then this could be good too. I’m sincerely hoping for Petey to get the duke here because he deserves some sort of push since he was the best thing to come out of Team Canada.
Winners – Petey Williams & Gail Kim

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!!!
Winners – James Storm & Miss Tennessee

NWA World Tag Team Champions The Latin American Exchange vs. Team 3D

Eric Szulczewski: Is this for the belts? That’s kinda important to know. It doesn’t make that much difference, but it does firm up things. There are two contradictory indicators in play: 1) Never bet against the Dudleys in a street fight and 2) Never bet against Puerto Ricans in a street fight. I’m going with the first principle here for a few good reasons: it’s long past time to give the Dudz a run with the straps (if it is for the titles), Sheremetyevo is coming close to being played out and they need to reinject some interest, and they can underscore the importance of Konnan in Sheremetyevo’s success through a loss.
Winners (and new champions?) – the ex-Dudleys

David Brashear: I’m going to run with this being non-title, since the belts haven’t even been mentioned. That’s important, because I don’t know that TNA would put the belts on the Dudleys when they’re gone every few months for their gigs in Japan. I’d say the Dudleys get the win, possibly after drunken interference from Spike.
Winners – Team 3D

Kace: Just to keep the feud going, I’ll go with the former Dudleys here.
Winner: Team 3D

Danny Cox: A redneck, a black guy, and two Mexicans. How’d this end up a Little Italy street fight? Honestly. So a big time street fight that is just looking to get bloody. The Dudleys finally win the titles they have “worked their way up the ranks” for. And I will personally send $100 to anyone who takes Konnan to the top of the ramp in his wheel chair and lets him roll down as quickly as possible.
Winner and New Champs – Team 3-D

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!!!!
Winners – LAX

Vinny Truncellito: Is this for the belts? I don’t think LAX drops the straps here, but they have earned a severe ass whoopin’ from my newly-identified Paisano and his brother.
Winner – Team 3-D

“The War Machine” Rhino vs. “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles

David Brashear: So we finally have a Rhino/AJ match that AJ can’t run away from. I’ll give Rhino the win here to put this one to bed.
Winner – Rhino

Danny Cox: AJ is going heel and I think that a big win over Rh-yino will solidify him as a bad guy. Rhino seems to have been non-existent for some time now so I don’t see him coming back out of nowhere to score a big win like this. So look for AJ to bloody Rhino up with the chain big time.
Winner – The Phenomenal One

Vinny Truncellito: I’ve been saying it all along during this feud, and I’ll KEEP saying it. Rhino is NOT in Styles’ league. They need to keep AJ hovering around the main event as he has been recently. Get him out of this ridiculous war with the War Machine.
Winner – AJ Styles

Eric Szulczewski: Oh, yippie, a chain match. Color me thrilled. Yet again, booking spoilers point out the ending. A. J.’s going to be joining up with Christian in his stable, and the best way to get him there is a loss (questioning himself on whether he can make it on his own, etc.).
Winner – Rhiyno

Team Eckstein (Eckstein/Lance Hoyt) vs. Team Pierzynski (Pierzynski/Dale Torborg)

Kace: Ehhh…
Winner: Team Eckstein

Danny Cox: Incredibly pointless.
Winner – I really don’t care but I’ll say the team with the KISS Demon

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!!!!!
Winners – Team Eckstein

Vinny Truncellito: Ugh. Who cares?
Winner – Torborg and Pierzynski

Eric Szulczewski: Oh, come on. Who do you think I’m rooting for?
Winners – Team Sox

David Brashear: So we have the Demon vs. Lance Hoyt. I know that’s my dream match I’d lay awake at night and hope I’d get to see someday. I think that Hoyt’s going to wind up coming out on top, but my pride won’t let me vote for him. One question – if Eckstein wins, does he get Pierzynski’s replica X-title belt?
Winners – Team Pierzynski

Christy Hemme vs. Mystery Opponent

Danny Cox: Let’s see that Chyna looking woman seems to be gone. Gail Kim and Jackie already have a match. Is Jackie ready to come back from the baby thing yet and get in the ring? Only one left is Ms. Brooks and even though I don’t think she would lose, Hemme won’t lose her in-ring debut.
Winner – Hemme

Iain Burnside: DAMN YOU, VINCE RUSSO!!!!!!!
Winner – Mystery Opponent

Vinny Truncellito: After all the build-up, hopefully Hemme’s learned a few new tricks. Her in-ring skills left a lot to be desired last time I saw her wrestle, which was at WrestleMania 21. Perhaps her opponent that night wasn’t good enough to carry her to a decent match. No, that couldn’t have been the problem
Winner – Hemme, I suppose

Eric Szulczewski: Oh, God, we have to pick a match where the opponent is unannounced again. Goddamn, I hate this. Fine, be that way. I’ll go conditional. If Christy’s opponent is anyone other than Billy Bitchcakes, she goes over. If it’s Billy, he wins and this feud goes on.
Winner – Hemme if it’s anyone other than Billy, Billy if it’s him

David Brashear: If Hemme loses this match, then she looks like a goon and her requests for a women’s division go down the drain. Dixie Carter wants a women’s division. Let’s do the math
Winner – Christy Hemme

Kace: If my Mystery Opponent pick is correct, then the winner is me.

Sonjay Dutt & Jay Lethal vs. Serotonin

Danny Cox: This match has no real bearing on anything else going on in the PPV. Or in the entire organization for that matter. Serotonin aka Raven’s New Bitches have already been phased out to nothing and Dutt/Lethal have fallen so far that they can’t even curtain-jerk the actual PPV anymore. Sad too cuz Lethal deserves to be in the X-Title chase at least.
Winners – Raven’s Whipping Boys

Vinny Truncellito: It’s pretty much Serotonin’s gimmick to lose the match and get disciplined by Raven, right?
Winner – Dutt & Lethal

Eric Szulczewski: Handicap match, yippie. My only question is whether anyone on this site will EVER learn how to spell the word “Serotonin” correctly. You all have it in your bodies, you know. Get to know yourselves better in areas not involving your genitalia.
Winners – Dutt and Lethal, because we can never get enough of Raven caning people

David Brashear: You know, when TNA started Serotonin, I’d expected them to become the new Flock. There’s one difference between this group and the Flock, however: the Flock actually won matches. I don’t see the losing streak ending, either.
Winners – Dutt/Lethal

BONUS: Pick Hemme’s mystery opponent.

Kace: Nora Greenwald. Well, I’ve missed her.

Danny Cox: Ms. Brooks

Iain Burnside: Kip Gunn Ass

Vinny Truncellito: Knowing Russo, it’ll be somebody stupid like Oklahoma.

David Brashear: I know it’s probably going to be Kip James, but Lita’s been working with Hermie Sadler, so hope springs eternal. Fingers crossed Lita.