Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic


The so-called Divas of SmackDown! recently had a golden opportunity to reinvent women’s wrestling in WWE when Jillian Hall refused to participate in a bikini contest because, as she correctly claimed, it doesn’t take talent to remove your clothing.

TODAY’S ISSUE: Close, but no cigar.

Instead of stripping to a bikini and shaking her assets for the rabid crowd, Jillian wanted to show the world her REAL talent. This would have been a dynamite setup for the return of actual women’s wrestling.

All that Hall had to do at that point was explain that her real talent is actually wrestling, and that she came to WWE to wrestle and beat the crap out of untalented cheesecakes like Ashley and Krystal. After all, she didn’t survive her training under David Finlay to become a stripper. Then she could have decimated the two Diva Search veterans, stomping them both into a local “medical facility”. This would instantly create a new monster heel character and open things up for WRESTLING in the women’s division.

WWE could slowly introduce new characters to face Jillian in matches, and bring back real badass women like Jazz, Luna Vachon, and even Nora Greenwald. In fact, Vickie Guerrero’s recently announced reason to return to SmackDown! could be to add a dominant new female to the mix.

This would be a significant storyline for the floundering ladies that would produce some interesting television and freshen up the same tired, boring, useless Diva segments we have to endure week after week. If there is even one guy (or lesbian, I suppose) who watches WWE and actually feels a degree of excitement from these dull chicks showing off nothing, I’d like to suggest they try Skin-a-Max, or better yet, the amazing cornucopia of smut at your fingertips via the Internet. There’s far more sexual satisfaction to be had once you remove the “primetime network” part of the equation.

I don’t have any problem with female managers, or a few other ladies on the roster who are only there to add a little T & A to the testosterone-fuelled proceedings of pro wrestling. However, McMahon has done his best to eliminate “wrestling” from just about all facets of his stupid company as it is. Why even HAVE a female championship to begin with, if you don’t want it cluttering your perfect vision of a woman’s role in “sportz entertainment”?

Here’s what I suggest. How about leaving the cheesecake chicks on RAW and SmackDown! for window dressing, but moving the women’s championship division to ECW? Tuesday nights certainly need an adrenaline boost, and McMahon has been very public about wanting to end the Extreme Experiment anyway. If those women who can actually wrestle moved to ECW, wore regular wrestling attire, and competed in actual matches, it’d be like the IC, US, or TV title. The third brand could certainly benefit from a legitimate secondary title. Serious women’s matches could liven the tedious hour on Sci Fi, and invigorate ECW’s mid-card. Besides, what’s more extreme than women who punch each other in the mouth night after night?

Imagine Victoria, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Jazz, Luna, Molly Holly, Sirelda from TNA, and some new, unknown phenom tearing up Tuesday nights in real matches. There’s also the possibility of one day bringing in big-name former women’s champs like Trish Stratus and Lita at some point as well. Plus, if they’re suddenly looking for more talent, another former champ, Gail Kim, could likely be convinced to come back, and I’ll bet Jackie Gayda would be willing to hire a nanny, get some more training, and return to the company for which her husband works. It would certainly be no worse than Matt Striker’s tiresome rehash of the Dean Douglas character, or the 19th attempted push of Asshole Holly.

Save the parade of useless eye candy including Kelly Kelly, Leyla El, Rebecca DiPietro, Ariel Vampira, Candice Michele, Maria Kanellis, Torrie Wilson, Ashley Massaro, Krystal Marshall, Maryse Ouelette, and Queen Sharmell for the treasured positions of backstage interviewer, valet/manager, or Nitro Girl wannabe. But let the wrestlers who happen to be women wrestle, instead of forcing them into the role of sleazy, trampy tart that WWE loves so much.

Once some of the trained females like Melina Perez and Michelle McCool are ready to work solid matches, WWE could move them over to ECW to solve temporary issues with full-time women’s division grapplers, or permanently ship them to Tuesday nights to augment the ladies’ roster. Believe me, there will always be enough mindless, decorative tramps to provide distraction on Monday and Friday nights without them, especially with the latest directive from McMahon to Laurinaitis about hiring as many non-trained airheads as he can round up from the local strip clubs and Hooters restaurants.

Sadly, instead of the dawning of a rebirth in women’s wrestling, they just gave us one more stupid, unfunny, waste-of-time segment featuring a bad actress, lame writing, and a useless concept. Jillian’s talent? She thinks she can sing, but she can’t. Why, she might even try out for American Idol. Very creative, WWE. Thanks for that most entertaining, compelling, and fascinating segment. I wait with baited breath for your next masterpiece.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

p.s. – Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Before you go, check out our Rasslin’ Roundtable for TNA’s Against All Odds, then compare our picks to the actual show to see how we did. Roundtable results are listed below.

IP Staff Roundtable Results for Against All Odds
NOTE: Mr. Burnside and Mr. Evers submitted their picks before the last-minute card additions (pre-show match and Rhino vs. Styles). Mr. Evers also failed to make an actual prediction in Christie Hemme’s match, which explains why their scores don’t total 9 matches.

Iain Burnside

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force