The SmarK 24/7 Rant for MSG – 9/23/85: The Colossal Jostle!
– This one fits in with February’s lame-ass theme of “Beauties and Beasts,” because of the main event. Some of the shows from this month, like the SNME with Bundy v. Hogan from 1987, are rather transparent attempts to get Randy Savage v. Bret Hart onto the channel, but I’m OK with that. This show was actually set up by the episode of TNT I reviewed recently, as Bundy laid out Andre in Toronto, and now it’s REVENGE time.
– Taped from New York.
– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura.
Les Thornton v. Scott McGhee
I’ve noticed Thornton doing opening matches on a couple of the old-school MSG cards, although he later turned into a jobber on Superstars. Scott McGhee we covered in the Florida rant from last week. Thornton grabs a wristlock and hangs on through McGhee’s counter attempt. Fun fact: Both guys have REALLY annoying last names to type. But that’s why God invented first names. Scott finally reverses the wristlock and takes Les down, and he also hangs on through a counter attempt. Thornton loses his patience and fires off forearms, but Scott doesn’t buy into it and takes him down again. And why the heck is “Thornton” in OpenOffice’s dictionary? Scottie works on a neck vice while the boredom is somewhat tempered by fun facts at the bottom of the screen for 1986, like an earthquake killing 10,000 in Mexico that year! They would have identified more of them, but 3,000 of them were wearing masks. The facelock just goes on forever as Les keeps trying to bridge out and McGhee keeps putting him back in it again. 8:00 in and the crowd just totally turns on the match, as any escape from Thornton goes right back to the facelock spot again. Finally something happens, as Les forearms out again and McGhee bails. Back in, Les pounds him down with a forearm for two. And then it’s back to the holds again, as Thornton puts him in a headscissors and the crowd groans. Jesse and Gorilla, with nothing else to talk about, relate stories about Madison Square Garden. McGhee fires back with his own forearms, so Thornton goes to the eyes and gets two. And now it’s a chinlock. Gorilla notes that Thornton is the man of a thousand holds, but apparently 875 of them are restholds. Where’s Chris Jericho when you need him? OK, well, I guess he was in high school at this point. McGhee reverses out and turns it into a boston crab, but Thornton makes the ropes. And we’re back to the holds on the mat again. If this isn’t moving to a 20:00 draw, I’ll eat my hat. Neither guy has had any significant advantage and we’re more than 15:00 in. Thornton throws more forearms and has McGhee reeling, but misses a blind charge, and they collide on a criss-cross. Thornton’s pinning combo is reversed to a monkey flip, which puts him on the floor, and McGhee brings him in with a suplex and goes up. Flying splash hits knee, and they do a pinfall reversal sequence that ends with McGhee getting the pin. Well, I guess I’ll be eating my hat.
(Scott McGhee d. Les Thornton, cradle — pin, 19:08, *) Not recommended for a narcoleptic.
Adrian Adonis v. Rick “Quick Draw” McGraw
Adonis was still managed by Bobby Heenan at this point, in his leather badass phase. He was obviously gaining weight, however, and was on the verge of his big gimmick change. Adonis grabs an armbar to start, but McGraw reverses out, so Adonis dumps him in rather vicious fashion. Adonis, by the way, was hauling around the “Relax With Trudi” briefcase at this point, and the announcers speculate about it, although I don’t think it was ever paid off or explained. McGraw tries to fight his way into the ring, but Adonis snaps him in and goes back to the arm again. He adds some choking behind the ref’s back and drops an elbow on McGraw’s shoulder, then slingshots him under the bottom rope. And now it’s Adrian’s turn to distract the ref, while Bobby nails McGraw with the case. His indignant protests and proud smirk afterwards are classic. Adonis suplexes him back in, but hurts his own shoulder on the way down. He decides that going to the top is a good idea, so McGraw brings him down onto his crotch and makes the comeback. Adonis gets whipped into the post and McGraw suplexes him for two. See, on these shows they use the A-list jobbers and actually give them hope spots. And then a rollup is blocked and Adonis gives him a vicious DDT for the pin.
(Adrian Adonis d. Rick McGraw, DDT — pin, 10:06, **) Nicely entertaining little match, with Adonis giving McGraw enough offense to keep it interesting.
Randy Savage v. Paul Roma
Savage gets a massive superstar reaction from the MSG crowd, and then brilliantly berates Elizabeth for no reason, to turn himself into a decisive heel. This is why the first Savage-Hogan match in 1986 could have sold out MSG three or four times over and probably should have been on PPV. Roma quickly gets an armdrag, which Savage blames on Elizabeth. He fires back with the elbow and necksnaps Roma, and then follows up with the kneedrop, which gets two. Savage, already being a jerk, picks Roma up at two and kneelifts him two before picking him up again. Roma reverses a slam into a small package for two, so Savage clobbers him and flies up to the top. Roma catches him with a shot coming down and makes the comeback, and goes up with a sunset flip for two. Savage, sick of this shit, tosses him and now he means business. Back in, Savage tosses him right out the other side and hits him with the flying axehandle to the floor, and the crowd is just in awe of the guy. Back in, delayed suplex gets two, and Macho goes up to kiss Roma goodbye. However, one elbow isn’t enough for the Macho Man, so he drops another one. Hey, it’s Paul Roma, drop a few more! Make him spit up some blood! Two is apparently enough for him tonight, much to my disappointment.
(Randy Savage d. Paul Roma, flying elbow — pin, 4:40, *1/2) Total and complete slaughter. Just the way I like it.
Andre The Giant v. King Kong Bundy
Andre debuts Lou Albano as his new manager here to offset Jimmy Hart. Lockup battle to start and Andre chokes him out in the corner. The ref counts, but would YOU argue with the guy? Bundy gets the hell out of there as the crowd goes nuts. Back in, Andre goes for the throat again, but Bundy hammers on him. Andre actually blocks and fires back, so Bundy tries a high kick and Andre catches that too. Andre kicks him down, showing more life than he did in the couple of years that followed, but Bundy goes to the injured chest and puts him down. Andre bails, but fights his way back in and grabs a standing armbar on Bundy. He actually takes it to the mat with a bodyscissors while holding the armbar. Andre the Giant: Submission specialist? Unfortunately, the promising pace of the match dies as this hold goes on for a good five minutes. Bundy finally fights up, so Andre headbutts him and sends him crashing to the floor as a result. Back in, and Andre grabs another wristlock, but Bundy hits him in the chest again and chokes him out on the mat. Bundy misses the Avalanche, however, and John Studd runs in for the DQ before Andre can make the comeback.
(Andre the Giant d. King Kong Bundy, interference — DQ, 13:42, 1/4*) Well, it was pretty good for about two minutes, but the match went fourteen minutes, so you do the math. Andre chases off the heels by himself, but had Hogan made the save they could have sold out MSG for the next few months. They must have done that tag match a few times, although I can’t remember any specific times right now.
“Cowboy” Bob Orton v. SD “Special Delivery” Jones
Jones had his own action figure, believe it or not. He gets a slam to start an armdrag, while Gorilla and Jesse get into a funny exchange about Orton’s famous cast. Gorilla notes that he’d been wearing it for 8 months at that point, and Jesse retorts that it shows guts, because anyone else with an injury bad enough to warrant a cast for that length of time would have taken that time off, whereas Orton worked through it. Jones smartly works on the (fake) arm injury, on the off chance that the cast wasn’t just for show I guess, but the ref makes him break the wristlock. Orton takes him down with a single-leg, but Jones goes back to working on the cast again and headbutts it, which sends Orton to the floor to regroup. Back in, Orton sucker-punches him with the cast and puts him in a headscissors. Jesse keeps defending the cast, noting that wrestling on a broken arm for 8 months isn’t conducive to proper healing, and thus it’s likely still broken. Jones goes back to the cast again and works on it with a top wristlock. SD puts his head down, however, and Orton nails him to take over. He goes to a chinlock, but Jones powers up, only to walk into an atomic drop on a criss-cross. Orton drops a fist for two. Back to the chinlock, but Jones fights up and whips him into the corner. A pair of headbutts sends Orton flailing into the bottom turnbuckle in a funny spot, and another one puts Orton on the apron. Orton actually comes back with a flying headscissors, but misses another one and lands on the top rope the hard way. Jones keeps firing the headbutts and suplexes Orton back in for two. More headbutts and he charges, but Orton sends him into the turnbuckle and follows with a pump splash to finish. Odd finisher there.
(Bob Orton d. SD Jones, pump splash — pin, 12:11, **1/2) Pretty good little match.
The Hart Foundation v. The British Bulldogs
Not sure if this is the one from the Bret Hart DVD or not, but we’ll give it a go. Kid overpowers Bret to start, and then catches him with a catapult into the corner on a criss-cross. Slick. Bret bails for some advice from Jimmy, and gives it another go. He ends up on the floor again, so Anvil comes in and slams Davey Boy. Smith returns fire and Anvil backs off. Pretty neat little storyline, with both Hart members trying their specialties and getting foiled by the Bulldogs in turn. Davey then uses a little speed to dodge Anvil and puts him on the floor, and the Harts regroup again. Bret tries some forearms on Davey, but a victory roll gets two for Smith and Bret gets out of there again. Davey grabs a headlock, but walks into Bret’s knee, and Bret drops an elbow and leg to turn the tide. Anvil pounds him in the corner and they hold him there, but Smith powers out and makes the tag to Dynamite. He’s the proverbial house of fire and cleans house, but Bret sticks his knee out and the Kid is YOUR face-in-peril. Bret drops an elbow from the middle and Anvil tosses Kid, allowing Bret to slam him on the floor. Back in, Kid gets punished in the corner while the Harts keep egging Davey Boy on. Bret drops a nice snap legdrop and whips Kid into the tunrbuckle, and again torments Davey Boy before hairtossing Kid into an elbow for two. Backbreaker gets two. Anvil works on the back and does the facelock spot to cut the ring in half, and again they annoy Smith until he charges in, and then do damage to Kid behind the ref’s back. Back to the facelock, and it’s the false tag spot, which allows more mayhem in the Hart corner. Kid gets tied into the ropes and Bret pounds him, then they mess up a tilt-a-whirl spot, which Bret covers nicely by floating into a kneedrop onto the back. Kid comes back with a backslide for two. Bret re-ties him in the ropes, but charges and crotches himself. Hot tag Smith, and he tosses Bret into the corner for two. Press slam gets two. The Harts come back with an Anvil axehandle onto a Bret backbreaker, and they appear to be in control again. Top rope Hart Attack (!!) gets nothing, but then Dynamite does them one better and flies in with a headbutt off the top while the ref is putting Anvil out, then switches with Davey and gets the pin on Bret. Tremendous finish!
(British Bulldogs d. Hart Foundation, Dynamite Kid headbutt — pin Bret Hart, 18:28, ***1/2) Vital tag team wrestling from the 80s, duh. This stuff was just light-years ahead of everything else at that point.
Backstage, Jesse Ventura interviews Don Muraco, who dedicates his piledriver to Jesse and promises to deliver one on Ricky Steamboat tonight. I’m looking forward to it!
Backstage, Gorilla interviews Terry Funk and accuses him of ducking JYD. Terry apparently decides to see how many times he can say “Jackass” before they cut him off. Answer: Five times.
The Missing Link v. Leaping Lanny Poffo
Poffo came in as a package deal with Randy Savage around this time. Poffo dodges him to start and cartwheels out of a hiptoss attempt, thus confusing the Link. Link tries a bearhug and Poffo claps the ears to escape, then takes him down with a monkey flip. The Link bails and grabs a chair, but Heenan talks him out of it and sends him back in. Link pounds him down and tries a headbutt, but Poffo dodges that as well and Link bails again. He REALLY wants the chair, but Heenan talks him down again. Back in, Link goes to the power and pounds Poffo down again, then slams him and gets his falling headbutt. Another one misses and Poffo makes his comeback with dropkicks, but Bobby helps to block a monkey flip and the headbutt finishes.
(Missing Link d. Lanny Poffo, headbutt — pin, 6:00, 1/2*) Slow and dull time-filler.
The Magnificent Muraco v. Ricky Steamboat
Muraco attacks before the introductions are even done, but Steamboat fires back with chops and sends Muraco into the turnbuckle. Another chop on the mat and he chokes Muraco out with his belt, in retribution for the hanging on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Steamboat goes up and gets the flying chop,then tosses Muraco and keeps on him. Back in, Steamboat finally gets his jacket off and kneelifts Muraco and then proceeds to choking him out with the jacket. Boy, don’t make Steamboat mad. The ref gets the jacket away from him, so Steamboat rams Muraco’s head into the mat, until Fuji trips him up from the floor to turn the tide. Muraco tosses him and Fuji canes him again, so Muraco tosses Steamboat into the railing. Back in, Muraco goes to the vulcan nerve hold to build heat, and Steamboat fights up from that. Muraco rams him into the turnbuckle to break it up, and yanks him out by the feet. Back to the nerve hold, but Steamboat tries using chops to break. Muraco slugs him down and tells Jesse that the piledriver is upcoming, but Steamboat uses his legs to break free. Gorilla blames Jesse for that one. Muraco tries to yank him out of the corner again, but Steamboat leverages him into the post instead. Steamboat catapults him into the post and Muraco does an instant bladejob ala Shawn Michaels, so Steamboat is all over it. He chops him down and tries a splash, but hits knee. Muraco tosses him, but Steamboat skins the cat back in, so Muraco suplexes him for two. Fuji is on the apron, so Steamboat nails him, hits Muraco with an enzuigiri that sends him into Fuji, and then goes up, prompting Fuji to throw salt in his eyes to stop him from finishing Muraco off.
(Ricky Steamboat d. Don Muraco, interference — DQ, 12:40, ***) These guys always had great chemistry, and this was no exception.
Cpl. Kirschner v. Moondog Spot
Spot attacks and pounds away to start, as the Corporal bails to escape, but Spot snapmares him back in and then blocks a sunset flip. Flying fist gets two. Another one misses and Kirschner makes the comeback with the samoan drop, which also finishes.
(Corporal Kirschner d. Moondog Spot, samoan drop — pin, 2:44, 1/2*) Just a quick nothing match before the main event.
Terry Funk v. Junkyard Dog
This was of course a super-hot feud in 1985. “Grab Them Cakes” is obviously overdubbed here, so Dog must have been using “Another One Bites The Dust” at that point. Funk attacks to start and they brawl outside right away, as Dog slams him on the floor. Back in, Funk does a Flair Flip and lands on the timekeeper’s seat at ringside in a neat spot. Dog rams him into the turnbuckles when he gets on the apron, and Funk takes another crazy bump to the floor. Dog suplexes him back in for two. Funk goes low in plain sight and drops a leg to take over, but a series of headbutts only makes the Dog mad. Funk is just in full-on crazy sell mode tonight. Dog charges and Funk gets two using the ropes, but the ref sees him and Dog cradles for the pin instead.
(JYD d. Terry Funk, small package — pin, 3:32, *) Well that was disappointing. I guess time was an issue, but this never had a chance to get going.
The Pulse:
While it’s not particularly historic or anything, Bulldogs-Harts is always a winner, plus Muraco and Steamboat had a darn fine match until the finish, and Randy Savage squashing Paul Roma like a bug is great entertainment, so this is a pretty easy thumbs up for the time period.
