Howdy pilgrims. I hope my American readers are cozy where ever you are. I am DAMN tired of winter. I don’t have it as bad in The Lou (ghetto, ain’t I? Word!) as folks do in New York. What was it I read…NINE (9) FEET OF SNOW?!? Or was it TWELVE (12)? My house has 8 foot ceilings. You brave souls have more snow on top of your cars than I could fit in my house. THAT IS INSANE. Here’s how it oughta work: the day after the World Series (YANKEES SUCK BALLS) it cools off outside, mid 40s. Day after thanksgiving it gets downright cold, mid 30s. Two days before Christmas, it snows, no more than three inches. New Years Day it melts off. January is spent slaughtering groundhogs to the point of extinction. Mid February, pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. Winter season is done, baseball season begins, life is good (RED SOX SUCK SWEATY BALLS). Go Cleveland Indians! TRIBE! TRIBE! You can’t see it, but I’m doing the tomahawk chop in my living room. If that offends you, move to upstate New York, dig yourself a canyon out of the glacier, scream at me real loud and I’ll laugh when it collapses on you. Remember folks, global warming won’t roast the planet, it will bring back the Ice Age, and I hate to break it to you but Ray Romano ain’t that damn funny. So vote out your oil company slaves in high government positions and elect people who really know how shit should be done. Like….ME. And Warren Ellis.
I want to give a special shout out to Tim and Stephan for their kind words about last week’s column. Thank you. I also want to say hi to one of my favorite writers, Gail Simone, who I think may have misunderstood my point about her “Welcome To Tranquility” book. I love the comic, and I enjoy nearly all of Gail’s work, but I didn’t compare her to Alan Moore. I was quoting IGN’s ridiculous overzealous hyberbole. My compliment would be more like this: Gail Simone writes what I want to read. Not Mark Millar, not Alan Moore, not Judd Winick. Gail Simone. The fun one. Her Agent X was the only rendition of Deadpool I ever liked. Thank you Gail for keeping my interest when the last couple years have been trying for a longtime comic book reader. Now, when’s your contract up with DC so you can take over the Avengers and spare us Bendis’ tomfoolery?
There’s been a few columns where I said I’d be brief and I end up carrying on for a good while. Not tonight. My macaw and I are both yawning so I wanna bring this to a quick close. But not before giving you some homework for the week! Yes, my randy little savages, it’s time for your creative juices to flow again. Man that sounds dirty…
I call this one “In A FIFTH WEEK EVENT No One Can Hear You Scream”. I used to really enjoy the Fifth Week events. What am I talking about? I’m talking about those weird months that have 5 shipping days in them. Look at a calender, you’ll see it a couple times a year. Some years ago the Big Two would take advantage of this and promote a miniseries or special event that fills the gap when there just wasn’t enough regular monthlies to fill the racks. DC was particularly adept at this. The Tangent Universe was a Fifth Week Event. So was the Underworld Unleashed. Marvel used the format for the Marvel Mangaverse, the 2099 revisit a couple years ago and last year’s relaunch of the What If format. So now it’s YOUR turn.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it….is to come up with whatever you want to do for a Fifth Week event. Love the X-Men? Want to run out a special even series featuring underutilized mutants? Do it. Want to bring back the Clones from Spider-Man? Um…OK, go for it. I won’t laugh (much). Want to just turn everyone in Marvel or DC into scandalously dressed women and assign the best cheesecake artists to it? It’s your call. Within the rules of course, which are as follows.
First, lets keep it within Marvel and DC again. I know there are other universes and maybe one day we’ll play around with them but not this time. This also applies to Wildstorm since Maul and Jackson King running into Shazam and Manhunter doesn’t happen…ever. I will allow an exception to certain Vertigo folks, like Constantine, Zatara and Animal Man–folks who have been on both sides of the DC/Vertigo devide.
Second, these are miniseries so this should be a little more easy to handle if you felt the “Your Own Marvel/DC Line” project was too ambitious. Let’s keep the entries between 5 to 8 comics, including “bookend” titles.
Third, anybody can just throw together some characters and creators and call it a day. That’s pretty much how Bendis, Millar and Quesada work anyway, isn’t it? Show me some thought. Have a THEME!
Here’s an example:
“Phoenix Rides Again” This is a 7 part series presenting the previously untold story of the Phoenix in the Marvel Old West. (NOTE: This series may have ramifications in the Marvel Universe afterwards, like the introduction of the Sentry did. If you want to just do something altogether new, like the Tangent Universe, just say somewhere that it’s Out of Continuity. NEVER underestimate the power and necessity of continuity. This means you, Quesada.)
Phoenix Rides Again #1 Chuck Dixon (W) and Greg Land (A) Introducing Annie Fennix, the Enfuego Outlaw!
Annie Fennix and the Two-Gun Kid #1 Tom DeFalco (W) and Joe Kubert (A) Two-Gun is in trouble but is Annie Fennix there to rescue him…or hang him?
Annie Fennix and Chief Proudstar #1 Chris Claremont (W) and Mike Zeck (A) Annie Fennix seeks to understand the power welling up inside her, and she turns to her old friend, Chief Proudstar for guidance. But are their combined powers a match for the Shaman and his demonic Dream Bear?
And then after a few more titles I wrap up with…
Phoenix Rides Again #2 Chuck Dixon (W) and Greg Land (A) Introducing Abby Fennix, great great granddaughter to the outlaw Annie Fennix and the new host of the Phoenix Force. Featuring Rachel Summers and The Ghost Riders (all of them!) against The Horsemen of Apocalypse, Exodus and Magento’s Acolytes and the man that brought them together, Scott Summers!
These descriptions can be a little more thought out than mine, those were off the cuff. Oh and the last rule…
Fourth, HAVE FUN! I was very pleased with all of the original ideas I read in the previous interactive project, and can’t wait to see what all you clever folks come up with time. Here’s a good chance to really go wild and do what I’m sure some of you wanted to do last time. I know I have all sorts of ideas for complete reworkings of characters in the Tangent style, and What Ifs out the wazoo. And I’ll save mine for next week!
Oh one last thing that’s not really a rule but I thought I’d put it out there anyway. Feel free to do one for Marvel and one for DC if you like. Or if you’d rather just do one company or the other, that’s fine too. Don’t feel obligated either way. I would also ask that you DON’T do a crossover between the companies. That’ll screw up the one of my later ideas (hint hint).
I applied for a new job today, so keep your fingers crossed. I hear working during the daytime is hell cool. I wouldn’t know. The light…IT BURNS!! HSSSSSS….Damn, this thing managed to get out to normal length again. How does that always manage to happen?
Welcome to my nightmare.
