In Memoriam: Bob Luce. A little late, but he really meant everything to Chicago wrestling. Now he’s only a memory like the Ampitheater, where he held all those legendary shows. Thank you so much, Bob, for creating two generations of Chicago wrestling fans like me.
There was no column Tuesday for multiple yet simple reasons: no one bothered to upload a copy of That Phil Collins Song until late Monday at the various wrestling torrent sites, and my f*cked-up work schedule over the past few days didn’t mesh with doing a column. Frankly, it’s still not meshing. Chicago got hit with a foot of snow on Tuesday afternoon/evening; it took me three hours to make a trip that normally takes me about forty minutes to get to one of my plants. I haven’t had much sleep, yet I’m forcing myself to stay up to do a little of this column and try to start in on my next DVD review (which will be of a current film released last week on DVD, which may surprise some of you who think I only do Hollywood classics).
So, I’m going to start cramming material in. Yes, ECW is covered in here, but also Raw. I personally don’t give a shit if you live in the US and won’t see it until Thursday night. It’s on my hard drive ready to be watched, so therefore it goes in. If you want to whine, go f*ck yourself. I personally don’t care and have never cared. So just read on. Maybe you’ll get spoiled enough to not want to watch the show on Thursday and therefore will save yourself two hours, in which case you should f*cking thank me.
But a piece of business before we get to that. I’m quite well known for calling things like they are and criticizing where criticism seems necessary. There is one exception to that, though. I rarely if ever criticize my fellow columnists at whatever site I am. This might seem to be a bit of a surprise. After all, I have a highly-tuned brain, one that because of the tuning is extra-sensitive to stupidity (in other words, I don’t suffer fools, gladly or at all). And sometimes it’s a real struggle to control myself from conducting a cathartic outburst in order to Dogbert my brain back to full function. The things I could say about the continued existence of Reality Dish, for instance, or Bambi’s weekly journeys to Retard Hollow…I don’t do that. Why? It’s because I have a sense of respect for my colleagues. They’re technically sound writers, they attempt professionalism to varying degrees, they’re quite willing to give their time to contribute to the site. They deserve that respect. So, I satisfy myself with a little shiv in the back on occasion in the Pimp Section and let it be.
That being said, there are exceptions to every rule. And there’s finally an exception to this one.
We have a sort of Manual of Style here in order to maintain consistency throughout the various zones and give the site a unified feel. This ‘tard decided to throw it away. Here’s just some of the ways that he raped that principle, destroyed principles of basic journalism, and in general came across as a five-year-old:
Single-name pseudonym: Goddamn, that drives me nuts. People in Western cultures tend to have first names and last names. If you’re using your real first name, use your goddamn real last name on your byline. “Ned”, my ass.
No teaser on the zone page: The article excerpt is meant to attract people into reading the article. It is also mandatory to have one. We all rack our brains to figure out which portion of the article to throw in as the teaser (except for the lazy among us, who simply allow the default of the first two paragraphs).
Representative icon is not 120X120: Or is the picture of the f*cking box the teaser? No, dumbass, you have a text teaser and a 120X120 icon on the left. Until Widro goes through with getting rid of the 120X120s, which will be soon.
No lead: No lead? NO LEAD?! What the f*cking f*ck? You write a lead to give the reader pertinent background information and to lure them into not hitting the back button. It’s supposed to be something that grabs the readers’ throats and gives them an interest in continuing. How about a couple of graphs on the history of Nintendogs for those of us who don’t know? The original was a surprise success for Ninty and deserves some mention. Also, I don’t see any mention in the body of the review of the fact that this game is a sequel. That’s piss-poor evaluation.
Putting the final score at the beginning of the article: The final score is something you build up to. In our submission system, Archway, there’s a drop-down box that’s just directly above the “Submit” button that sends the article on its way. This drop-down is for a final score on a review. The final score is just that, FINAL. IT. COMES. LAST. Why the f*ck should I read the rest of your article if I know your final score?
Inconsistent references: Okay, get this: All three are called “contests”. There is agility, disc and obedience trials, or contests. In the agility trial…In the disc trial… So if the trials are called “contests”, why the f*ck aren’t you calling them contests?
Awkward sentence structure: Sound has some fun stuff in this game. Who’s Sound?
General incoherency: I’ve written stuff while looped on prescription meds that’s more coherent than this. Take a gander at some of these gems:
The only thing I think I can say in this category is that the game is probably overpriced. I bought the game for $31.49 but I think that the game is worth more in the $20-25 range. It’s not that it isn’t fun, but it may come to fell more like a chore for you, and less like a game. Along with that, it’s not a really advanced game. This was the entire “Balance” section. What the f*ck does that have to do with Game Balance? Game Balance deals with general difficulty, learning curve, quality of AI, etc. It’s how difficult the game is for the average person to learn and play, not whether it’s overpriced.
Then other games, who just look for what’s in Amazon’s “top 20 of the month” and buy it, this game has been on 16and up for about 4 months. Sorry, Babelfish doesn’t do Retard To English.
For me, I was really exited for the first 2 weeks, and after that the game has gotten a little hard to come running back to. See above regarding Babelfish. In fact, as I go through this, I’m absolutely certain that it was originally written in another language and run through the Fish into English.
Other than that, not a massive number of people will be called to Nintendogs. Then why are you giving it an 8 out of 10 for Appeal?
Created by Ned, for use on insidepulse.com and only. What’s the URL of Only? Will they pay me, unlike Widro?
“ORIGONALITY”, “ADDICTIVNESS”, and “MISCELANOUS”: Okay, I’m a bit of a Spelling Nazi, but I am also a just and merciful god and can be a bit forgiving at times in this area. However, misspellings in section headers just turn on that big flashing neon “MORON!” sign.
No close: The close is where you summarize the conclusions that you just spent Christ knows how long presenting. It’s where you tie everything up into a nice little package for your audience and present your general feelings on the situation at hand. If you don’t do one, then you’re literally abandoning your audience.
“Oh, but, Eric,” I hear you bleat and moan in that sheeplike voice that could cause your average shepherd to unbuckle his belt, “this was the kid’s first article. Can’t you be nice?” Me, be nice? Do you remember who you’re talking to? No, I am NOT going to be nice. I don’t give a shit if it’s his first article or not. I give a shit that the site where my writing is presented to the public looks good. And to me, “good” is professional-looking, high-quality material that has a bit of polish to it, with the right words being used in the right places. First efforts by everyone are a little rough. That’s expected. However, in most of the first efforts at this site, you can see the underlying talent and how good this person’s going to be when he or she starts improving. And the improvement starts rather quickly once the butterflies wear off. Pulse Glazer, for instance, had a rough first column, but quickly found his voice (as soon as he learned to trust his instincts and not lean on us veterans in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum for support; it shouldn’t have mattered to you what we felt about your first column, Aaron, really). This guy Ned has absolutely zero talent. There’s no coherence, which is even more important for a review than for, say, a column like this. There’s no organization present in the writing, which, again, you absolutely need for a review column. There’s nothing there that you can point your finger to and say, “Yeah, it’s rough, but he’s going to improve, and soon.”
In other words, this column does not make Inside Pulse look good. By extension, it makes me look bad. People do not get away with making me look bad. I have this tendency to f*ck their lives up if that happens. And, Ned, it’s time for you to get your life f*cked up. Grease it up and let me get Scooter’s hot pokers out of storage.
Why in the name of f*ck did we hire this guy? Yeah, I know, we needed people for Not A True Ending and we were on that hiring binge, so the odds were pretty decent that someone like this would slip through. However, IP (and 411 while we were still there; they’ve kinda abandoned this principle lately) has always exhibited a good sense of quality control on who we bring in to write for us. Where did we slip to allow this walking abortion to actually post something here?
Ah, but, of course, I won’t be listened to in this instance, because that would mean that Widro would have to admit to making a mistake, something that Jon simply does not do (and good for him). I might as well be Hyatte saying that he’s retiring again. For f*ck’s sake, Hyatte retires more than Sinatra used to. Everyone knows he’ll be back. Meanwhile, the statements echo through an unresponsive chamber.
There is one factor that can save us from this festering buboe: I do have a lot of stroke here thanks to my popularity. Wids knows that I only use that stroke when absolutely necessary (and if you mail me, I’ll tell you the real story behind why Penny Lesbo-Cunt no longer contributes to the Rabble; it sure as hell isn’t what she tried to claim in the Den of Smelly Proles on her way out). If I do something like this, in public, he knows that I am not a happy camper and will respond accordingly. So maybe this effort will be enough. We can only hope.
Let’s hit the shows…
THE RAW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Johnny Nitro and Melina Perez over Super Crazy and MickieLexis LaJames, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Perez pins LaJames, backcracker): What’s really surprising here is how well LaJames and Loco work together. I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe it has something to do with all those Three-Way Dances back in the ECW days with Guido and Tajiri on Crazy’s part. One of LaJames’ assets is her speed, after all, and Crazy still knows how to work at a fast pace. All I know is that they cover for each other well, they seem to have a chemistry together, and they do form a synergy of sorts. All in all, they’re the best mixed tag team that WWE’s presented in a long time, since Stratus and Christian or Stratus and Jericho (and neither team did too many things together in the ring). I’m impressed. Now if that little tramp would only stay away from my boy, I’d be happy.
This is from the section of the Kama Sutra that has back injury warnings listed on every page
The Great Ha-Ha Khali over the retard (Pinfall, choke powerslam): Remember when Nick Dinsmore was first elevated from OVW to the big-time? Remember how all of you splooged over the gimmick? Remember when I said at the time? “Retards are evil and must be euthanized en masse. This gimmick will ruin the career of a promising young wrestler who has so much of a future ahead of him.” Remember how you scoffed at me, telling me how Dinsmore would be separated from the gimmick after the initial push? Three words, bitches: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Well, it’s worth a try
Jeffykins over Gym Bunny, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, roll-up): Like you expect me to give a shit.
Gym Bunny has his Lord Nelson moment
Ric Flair over Carly Colon (Pinfall, rollup): Hmmm, do you smell a tag team being formed with these two? It does seem to be a correct thing to do. In that instance, Flair does get to have the Ten-Buck Tramp accompany him to ringside, and Ric Fuckin’ Flair should always have a pretty girl, syph-ridden though she is, on his arm.
I’m just hoping that Carly called up his dad after this match about what those chops felt like, and Carlos told him, “You pussy! He left permanent scars on my chest!”
Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and Special Guest Stars The Undertaker and DAVE over Edge, Randy Orton, and Not-So-Special Guest Villains Montel Vontavious Porter and FudgePacker, Eight-Man Spectacular (Pinfall, Michaels pins Orton, Sweet Chimp Music): Did this match have any real reason to exist other than the most blatant and stupid, namely a PPV Pimp? No, of course not. It was a complete and utter mess from start to finish. This includes the disparity of star power. Who’s the biggest name on the heel side? Certainly, that would be Edge. Is Edge a bigger name than any of the faces? No. Did they even bother to tease the competition on Sunday? Not really. Okay, there was the apres, but that was engendered by Michaels/UT hostility, but considering that they’ve had a slow-burn feud for a dozen years now, it really didn’t do anything. Bad idea, really. Shouldn’t have been done, but was.
Yeah, like we couldn’t see this on Smackdown
Angle Developments:
Look, with Anna Nicole’s decomposing body still in the news, the last thing you need is for an older billionaire to be escorted to the ring by two Playboy centerfolds
Can you think of two other billionaires who’d be as annoying together? Oh, wait, I forgot about Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison.
Back On His Game: I think I may have to apologize to Jim Ross. He may, after all, still have it. What prompted this reaction? The Skittles plug during the Jeffykins entrance. Four uses of the word “fruity”, done in a tone that comes close to approximating orgasm. Gee, sending us a message about Jeffykins or what, JR?
One of the lesser-known side effects of chemotherapy is that it starts to make you look like David Spade…no, I shouldn’t joke about this. It’s good to see him, and he looks a helluva lot better now than he did before the chemo. So, congrats, Roddy, and welcome back.
All We Are Is Dusty In The Wind: Well, quel surprise on FatDust’s induction. Even before last year’s Wrestlemania, after the Class of 2006 was finished, everyone was saying, “Next year’s Dusty’s year. WWE didn’t want him overshadowed by Bret.” That was acceptable to everyone. The only question now is if they’re going to rehire Dustin in order to induct him, or are they going to go the Humorous Irony direction and have Flair do it?
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Bobby Lashley over Bob Holly, Extreme Rules But Non-Title Match (Pinfall, running powerslam on to steel chair): Blatt hates Holly because Holly’s an asshole backstage. I like Holly because Holly’s an asshole backstage. Anyone who’s an asshole gets my praise. Another reason I like him is that he’s willing to go above and beyond. Being part of the Education Of Bobby Lashley is just part of that. Lashley learned how to brawl and do some mat wrestling from Finlay and Regal. Now Lashley needs to learn the fine art of mayhem since he’s the Face Of ECW. Who better to teach him how to do it right than Holly (please note that I said “how to do it right”, so don’t mention f*cking Sandman or Sabu to me)? And Lashley’s starting to pick it up. Give him a few more months, and you’re going to have one impressive high-impact wrestler on your hands, one who will only improve as the years go by.
Bob’s granddaddy always told him that this is how a good Southern boy treats a nigra
Monty Brown and Kevin Fertig over Sandman and Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, Fertig pins Sandman, Greco-Roman pimp cane shot): For anyone wondering exactly why Tazz has seemingly taken the side of the New Breed, just remember this fact: Tazz feuded with most of those guys for years, so there may, just may, be a little bad blood over the course of a decade. Either that, or Pete’s become a corporate tool. I’d prefer to think the second, because that one’s guaranteed to cause trauma to old-school ECW fans, and that causes me pleasure. Schadenfreude is the fifth food group to me.
Tommy, meet the Pounce
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Mike Knox (Submission, Anaconda Vise): Hey, Knox actually has upped his game a little. Maybe his morale’s improved being moved away from the hostile boyfriend gimmick, and he’s more willing to perform. Or maybe Punk has helped him elevate his game a little. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Snitsky’s around. However, maybe this is Punk’s punishment from backstage, and, after this is over, his career can go back to being on the fast track.
If Kelly won’t be his Valentine, Punk damn well will
Matt Striker and Elijah Burke over Rob Van Dam and Sabu (Pinfall, Burke pins Sabu, rollup): Pretty meh match here. Uninspiring, very little crowd heat, etc. However, it was nice to see Sabu blow a spot on purpose for a change instead of the way he normally does it.
Suicidal, genocidal, teacher-cidal
Angle Developments:
Just in case Slayer doesn’t have anything this week
Yes, that would be correct
That ends the first three hours of this week’s extravaganza. Only three more to go. I’m still undecided on whether or not to start the WSX Short Form. I haven’t even watched an episode yet. Besides, PK’s devoting as much time and care to WSX as he does to his dolls, so we’re already well-covered in that regard here. If you want WSX, hell, I’ll add it on. Just write and tell me.
