The Impact Short Form, 02.16.07

Columns, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

In Memoriam: Chief Illiniwek. Racist? No, not really. But a victim of Politicial Correctness nonetheless.

I’ve had so many requests for the real story behind Penny Lesbo-Cunt that I’ll be working on a form letter after I do a little catch-up on articles. Hopefully, that’ll be this weekend.

Ah, between the news coming from the Kansas school board (and how imbecilic are the four holdouts? Didn’t they see the international ridicule they put the state through?) and the fallout over Tim Hardaway’s bigoted comments (I was going to do a transcript-and-substitute with the words “niggers” and “Republicans” in place of “homosexuals” as the lead for this one, but, really, I don’t use sledgehammers to kill cockroaches), it’s been a good week for social liberals. It’s fact, it’s been so good, I’m going to sing! “Annnnnnnd…now…it’s…Springtime for Hitlary and Democrats! Winter for Rudy and Sam! We’re marching back in step again! Dubbaya will feel our wrath again!” You can join in if you want…

…oh, you’re no fun anymore.

And Impact is never fun. It’s serious business, as That Phil Collins Song showed. It’s so serious that Bentley toned down the snark. However, I’m unable to, which is why my column is a lot more fun than his. Let’s just get to the show so I can get to my next DVD review, which is a week plus overdue at this point and Travis is screaming at me…

Match Results:

Homicide and Hernandez over Shark Boy and Norman Smiley (Pinfall, Homicide pins Shark Boy, senton): Who cares that Machete is back as Konnan’s wheelchair-pusher? I’m more jazzed about the return to TV of Shark Boy and Screamin’ Norman. Hey, any chance to see them, even when they’re obviously fated to job like mofos, is a treat. Thank you, TNA, for helping to get rid of some of the bad taste from opening the show with Big Sump Pump (see below).

Obviously Homicide and Hernandez aren’t that familiar with square dancing.

Gail Kim over Jackie Moore, Arm-Wrestling Match: Jackie Moore? Didn’t she sing “Misty Blue”? No, that was Dorothy Moore, and a phenomenal song as well. Better to think about that than to think about two former WWE women’s champions arm-wrestling.

Those sorority handshakes are getting weirder and weirder

Samoa Joe over, in order of elimination, Chris Sabin, James Storm, Rhiyno, A. J. Styles, Billy Bitchcakes, Road Hogg, Abyss, Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, Sting, Eric Young, Big Sump Pump, and Tyson Tomko, Royal Rumb…no, they can’t use that name, can they? (Final elimination was Joe pins Tomko, Musclebuster): Gee, your Final Four was Joe, Big Sump Pump, Tomko, and Eric Young. Anyone not figure out the winner? As if being a Number One Contender’s Match didn’t point that out already. Well, it made Joe look strong and further some feuds, and it also gave the upper card and upper-mid-card some camera time. Being inoffensive is as good as it gets when Vinnny Ru has the book.

Off Abyss, into Billy Bitchcakes, dropkick on Sting, nothing but net

It’s perfectly fine that, ever since his divorce, Rhinyo’s been exploring his sexuality. But with A. J.?

Even if you’re Abyss, that’s got to scare the shit out of you

A has-been, a never-was, and Samoa Fuckin’ Joe. Think there’s a comeback coming?

Angle Developments:

Interruptus: Okay, let me set the scene. You’re in her bedroom. You’re naked. She’s naked. You’re starting to get hard, but those beers are running through you, so you hit the can, knowing it’s just a momentary interruption to the bliss that will follow. As you’re taking a leak, you look at her vanity. There, you see the Vagisil and Monistat, along with some prescription antibiotics, and…that’s what a Big Sump Pump promo at the beginning of the show is like to wrestling fans. And with our luck, after he leaves TNA, Widro and PK will hire him to do reviews over at Not A True Ending.

Never has a network identification bug been more appropriate

So who’s giving the rub to who?

The Mexican love child of Professor X and Professor Griff

An FBI spokesperson admitted today that, frankly, the Bureau is perplexed as to why Tony Soprano would WANT to take over the action in Dudleyville

Bob just simply can’t get over “Pull My Finger”

Nash gets in a quick breast self-exam whenever he can. Hey, at least he’s not trying to do a prostate self-exam.

By the way, Jay Lethal scared the crap out of me with the Savage impersonation. You’ll understand once we start our Rumblemania feature on Dream Matches, which I wrote up at 2AM Thursday, before I watched Impact. So, don’t anyone go saying that Lethal was an inspiration for it, okay?

Must…do…DVD…review…now…be back for Smackdown and later this weekend with the No Way Out Short Form if anyone remembers to start the ball on that.