The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 04/27/87
– Your hosts are Gorilla & Brain
– Tuxedo match: Mr. Fuji v. Hillbilly Jim. Odd choice for a house show match to show. Fuji sneaks in and rips Jim’s shirt quickly, so Jim rips his lapel. Now this is hardcore, man. Those “ECW” punks wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a match like this. Fuji goes to the eyes and pulls the jacket off the disoriented Hillbilly, but Jim uses his power to tear the jacket off. Fuji pulls Jim’s shirt off and chokes him down, but loses his own shirt as a result. Whew, I’m having trouble keeping up with the torrid pace here. Jim headbutts Fuji and yanks his pants off, revealing heart-themed underwear to win the match at 4:00. Two words: Ep-ic! -*** I wonder why it took them another 15 years to realize that having chicks do that would draw more money.
– Speaking of chicks…
– WW(bleep) Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Leilani Kai. It’s not exactly Trish v. Mickie James, that’s for sure. Are they just showing matches from their MSG show or something this week? Usually we’ve at least gone to the syndicated shows once by now. Ridiculously long stall session before the match, and Kai attacks in the corner to start and dropkicks Moolah, who runs away in response. Back in, Moolah smacks her down and does the hairtosses to put her on the floor. Back in, Moolah throws some headbutts and dumps her again, and they brawl. Moolah, reasonably hardcore, hits Kai with the handset of a phone at ringside and slams her on the concrete. The style of work back then compared with today is night and day, as the women at that point were basically working a style held over from the 60s (for obvious reasons), while the men were doing a more modern type of work. Thank god that Sherri came along soon after this and at least made an effort to modernize it. Ad break and we come back with Kai dropping an elbow for two and choking away. Moolah responds with her own. Who’s supposed to be the heel here? They slug it out and Kai takes her down with a headscissors. The commentary places this in December of 1986, by the way, so they’re not just showing random MSG matches, but months-old MSG matches. Choke choke choke and Moolah gets a weak backdrop, but Kai comes back with a crossbody for two. Moolah chokes her out again, but Kai puts her in a kneebar, which meant nothing at that point. Double-chop gets two, but a bodypress misses and Moolah hammers her down. However, she makes the classic error of arguing with the ref, and Kai comes back with a dropkick and also chokes her out. No wonder the crowd is dead. Now Kai argues with the ref, allowing Moolah to attack from behind and finish with a rollup at 10:53. Well, at least it wasn’t a tuxedo match. -*
– UPDATE! With Craig DeGeorge! Must be a slow news week, because the lead story is brief comments from Danny Davis.
– Part Four of the Ken Patera story: It’s actually like something out of Cape Fear, as he works out while swearing vengeance against Bobby Heenan. Geez, this guy’s a maniac stalker, keep him in there.
– Honky Tonk Man v. Tommy Sharp. OK, now we’re into the Superstars matches. Honky now has the classic blue tights instead of the older suspenders. Sharp actually gets some offense early, with an atomic drop and, well, that’s about it. Honk beats him down with elbows and chokes him out. Flying fistdrop and we cut to Honky thanking us for out support in helping to ban the DDT. Actually, given the preponderance of neck injuries these days, it’s not such a bad idea. He was a man ahead of his time! Honky clotheslines Sharp out of the corner and finishes with Shake Rattle and Roll at 3:03. Just a squash.
– But now, the moment that makes all of this worthwhile: MOTHERFUCKING FUJI VICE!!! The scene: Kids playing volleyball on the beach. And when the ball goes off under the pier, they find…a DEAD BODY! Cue the credits, and the beach cops (complete with hardboiled detective) examine the scene and determine it’s drugs. See, that’s why we have the Wellness Policy. Cue Fuji and Muraco, in PASTELS~!, who pledge to the stiff’s sister that they’ll solve the crime. Cut to Muraco bumming a quarter for the payphone to follow a lead, as they pound the pavement using the power of a montage. Thanks to the power of editing, they are led to the boat of the infamous Seahawk, trying to go undercover and buy drugs. Muraco probably WAS dropping $250,000 on coke in real life at that point. However, in a shocking twist, the corpse’s sister IS the Seahawk! This is very Russoesque. Our heroes are in trouble, tied to the front of the boat, but luckily the Coast Guard is in the area and saves the day. But Muraco takes credit for it anyway. You will never hear me say a bad word about this.
– George Steele v. Tiger Chung Lee. OK, I know for sure that this is from a Boston Garden show in 1985, because they aired that show in full in January on 24/7. Darn good show, too, although this didn’t contribute to that. Lee runs away to start, but gets bitten in the corner. They do another chase and George scares him off again. Lee tries to attack, so Steele throws a table in and eats a turnbuckle, then chokes Lee out and pins him at 4:37. This epic made the previous epic look like a short story. -**
– The Islanders v. Moondog Spot & The Gladiator. Jesse and Vince have a funny conversation about people being from Parts Unknown during the ring intros, and Haku holds off both jobbers pretty easily and dropkicks Spot for two. Over to the Gladiator, who is decidedly not Russell Crowe, and Haku gets a gut wrench suplex, setting up a snap suplex from Tama for two. Over to Spot, who quickly gets caught in the corner and worked over, and Haku elbows him down. Haku gets a backbreaker into a Tama flying knee, ala Demolition, but Spot comes back with a backbreaker. Over to Gladiator, who doesn’t fare quite as well, as the Islanders pounds on him and Tama gets a lariat for two. Double clothesline and the crowd is chanting “Boring” so loud that it’s even audible on the heavily-sweetened post-produced Superstars broadcast. Haku powerslams the Gladiator and Tama finally finishes with the flying splash at 5:26. It’s funny, because the Islanders totally got lost in the shuffle during their prime as a team, but if they debuted today Vince would lose his mind over them and push them to the moon. Boring squash. 1/2*
– Dynamite Kid v. Bret Hart. Oh my. I forget if this is the same one from the Bulldogs tape years ago, but I’m not complaining either way. Bret’s hair length and build would put this no later than 1986, in that by the time this episode of Prime Time was airing, Bret would be wearing exclusively pink tights, plus he had the long black hair and roided build. Gorilla’s “They’re literally hanging off the rafters!” makes me want to punch him in the face. Kid goes for a lockup to start, but Bret ducks into the ropes and forces a break. And repeat, as Bret bails and complains about having his hair pulled. Really, who would want to? Back in, Kid grabs a headlock and counters a leapfrog with a catapult into the corner that hangs Bret in the Tree of Woe, and Kid dropkicks him out of the ring off that. Back to the lockup and Bret pounds him on the ropes, but Kid catches his boot and it’s a dramatically oversold atomic drop, which sets up a snap suplex that gets two. Bret tries a hammerlock, but Kid rides him right out of the ring and Bret sulks on the floor again. Bret tries a wristlock, but Kid does the cartwheel reversal out of it, necessitating a little cheating on Bret’s part. I know, I’m as shocked as you. He gives Dynamite the hairtoss and goes up with the middle rope elbow and a snap legdrop, and we take an ad break. Back with Bret pounding on him and tossing him, and Kid takes a pretty sick flat-back slam on the concrete. No wonder the guy’s in a wheelchair. Back in, Bret with the backbreaker for two. Kid snaps off a sunset flip, but Bret rolls through and stomps him. He throws forearms, but Kid reverses to a backslide for two. Another backbreaker is reversed by Kid to his own, but Bret retains the advantage and ties him in the ropes. He does the charge and miss spot, which sets up the comeback for DK, and it’s a Benoit clothesline and falling headbutt, and he returns the hairtoss from earlier. Ugh, it’s not worth touching it, Kid. Kneedrop gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Flying kneedrop (and that sucker was FLUSH on Bret’s head) gets two. You could see Bret wince on that one. Kid misses his own charge and clotheslines himselfon the ropes, but recovers and tries a rollup. Bret grabs the ropes and Kid lands on the floor with his own momentum, but Bret gets complacent and Kid sneaks in to finish the rollup for the pin at 13:32. This was like the clouds parting to reveal sunshine on a stormy day. ***3/4
– Sure, 80% of the show was total garbage, but the other 20% was Bret Hart v. Dynamite Kid and FUJI VICE~! And that is all the people need to know.
