Chris Benoit & The Hardy Boyz vs. MNM & Montel Vontavious Porter
PK: I can’t believe they actually called off the ladder match, and then make this shit. The only silver lining in this is that it could be the start of a MVP/Benoit feud for the title.
Winners – MNM/MVP
Eric Szulczewski: Gee, you think someone actually looked at the card, saw what a disaster this was, and decided to turn to blatant audience pandering to try to solve it? Of course, they may also be hoping that some of Benoit’s masculinity rubs off on his tag partners. Look, if Michael Hayes couldn’t help in that regard, Benoit can’t. Speaking of Hayes, he’s the one responsible for deciding who wins this match. The Hardly Men have always been a favorite of his. Plus, they’ve been on the receiving end of MNM beatdowns lately. Plus Plus, it’s always fun to see Melina rant and rave, and she’s in the doghouse backstage. Therefore, this Hobson’s Choice becomes simple logic. I love it when that happens.
Winners – Benoit and his abominable tag partners
GRUT: I gotta go with MVP because he’s so incredible at wrestling. He needs a little work, so they should probably make him ECW world champion for a few months.
Winners – MVP and MNM.
Danny Cox: What kind of thrown together match is this? I’m not saying I mind it, but how do you team Benoit with the Hardyz who have had no interaction ummm, ever? Same goes for MNM and MVP. I seriously think I am losing my mind, but MVP is really growing on me and I’m beginning to enjoy his character. This one is kind of hard to call since it’s been Mercury still feuding with Matt, and Nitro went back to RAW and hasn’t been anywhere near Jeff. Flipping a coin.
Winners – Benoit and The Hardy Boyz Mystery
Vinny Truncellito: So much for keeping MNM and The Hardyz apart until WrestleMania. Benoit will look strong here against MVP, leaving the two teams without either achieving the upper hand.
Winner – Chris Benoit & The Hardyz
Troy Hepple: Six man tag? What six man tag?! First McMahon wants to keep them apart, now he wants the teams to return teaming – AND WE’RE MISSING OUT ON THAT LADDER MATCH, DAMNIT! Man, this is really going to leave a bitter taste with a lot of people, including mine. The worst part about this is that it’s MVP instead of Chavo Guerrero, who should still be feuding with Benoit for the United States title just so they’ve got something to do. Ugh, this MNM and Hardys bullshit has gone on far too long, and I don’t care anymore unless it ends up being The Hardys and Lita against MNM at WrestleMania. Anyone who fancies the chances of that happening is an idiot.
Winners – MVP and MNM
Pulse Glazer: This Pay Per View is entirely pointless.
Winner – Benoit and the Hardyz.
Charlie Marsh: Are they breaking up the Hardyz and MNM or not? They can’t keep playing with my emotions like this!
Winners – MNM & MVP
Finlay & Little Bastard vs. The Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman
PK: Words can’t describe how creepy this is to me. Didn’t they learn from the Doink/Lawler storylines?
Winners – Boogeymen
Matthew Michaels: This is gonna be hilarious.
Winners – Team Finlay
Eric Szulczewski: Didn’t I go off enough in the Short Form about this Abomination Unto Me? Given that the only purpose of this match is to have the crowd go off, I don’t see any result other than the faces winning.
Winners – Boogey and Boogey-Me
Iain Burnside: See, Boogeyman makes me think “don’t stand so close to me”, while DAVE makes me think “every little thing he does is magic”. It’s not gay, it’s just good sense.
Winner – THE WEE FIDDLY IRISH FELLA
GRUT: What’s mixed about this match? They’re all dudes, aren’t they? Very hard for me to care about this. So very hard. You know what? I won’t!
Winners – Finlay and LB for some reason.
Danny Cox: Mini-Boogeyman equals ratings.
Winners – Boogeymen
Vinny Truncellito: Where’s that concession stand?
Winner – Boogeymen
Troy Hepple: This is the first time I hope that Boogeyman stays in the ring the entire time. Leave the Little Bs to stay under the ring until the time calls for them to have their little brawl.
Winners – The Boogeyman and Little Boogeyman
Pulse Glazer: Retardation.
Winner – Finlay
Kace Evers – I’d like to predict that Finlay snaps, throws out the script and annihilates everything in sight. Sure, he’d be fired afterwards, but it’d give us something interesting on the PPV.
Winner – Boogeyman & Mini-Boogyman
Charlie Marsh: Hopefully Finlay goes on to bigger and better things after this.
Winners – Boogeyman/Mini Boogeyman
Allen Noah: While Little Bastard actually works as a character, Mini-Boogeyman really loses his appeal after the first time you see him. I’d be far more impressed if Boogeyman stored him in his pants instead of worms.
Winners – Finlay and Little Bastard
Diva Talent Invitational
PK: This is nothing more then a shameless Playboy plug for Ashley.
Winner – Ashley
Matthew Michaels: Uh… Who’s judging this? If it’s Teddy, we have to lean towards Kristal. If it’s the fans, Ashley, Kelly and Maria seem the most popular. But without knowing who’s in it, I have to go with the Teddy/sexual harrassment-like storyline here.
Winner – Kristal Marshall
Eric Szulczewski: Unless someone’s “talent” involves picking up quarters with their vaginal muscles, I don’t care.
Winners – the Reality Dish staff, who get to go off on how superior American Idol is
Iain Burnside: Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light. Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night. Roxanne, you don’t have to wear that dress tonight, walk the streets for money, you don’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right. Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light. I loved you since I knew you, I wouldn’t talk down to you, I have to tell you just how I feel. I won’t share you with another boy, I know my mind is made up, so put away your make up. Told you once I won’t tell you again. It’s a bad way. Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light. Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light.
Winner – FUCK OFF
GRUT: Ashley’ll take off her top or something.
Winner – Ash
Danny Cox: Ugh is this necessary? The talentless Exposé from ECW is going to show up and fumble f*ck all over themselves. Jillian is going to sing badly because it’s “funny.†Kristal is going to strip. Candice will show up and do her GoDaddy dance which is turning in a damn circle. Then Ashley will show up and do nothing worthwhile and win because she is in the new Playboy and she kicks Ash ley. Unless Mickie shows up and bounces around for me, then this is ruh-tarded.
Winner – Ashley
Vinny Truncellito: Krystal is setting the stage for something bigger involving Vickie Guerrero and GM Teddy Long.
Winner – Krystal Marshall
Troy Hepple: … Don’t care. Does anyone?
Winners – Ashley Massaro
Pulse Glazer: More divas in bikinis.
Winner – Whichever the one in Playboy is.
Kace Evers: Uhhh…okay.
Winner – Kelly Kelly
Charlie Marsh: At least it’s not dodge ball.
Winner – Whatever
Allen Noah: Who Gives a shit?
Winner – Ashley
King Booker vs. Kane
PK: I love these feuds over nothing. I guess it’s better then feuding over spilled coffee or a shampoo commercial.
Winner – Kane
Matthew Michaels: If this is gonna continue, the heel needs the win right? And if it’s not, who benefits more from a win? Booker needs this…
Winner – King Booker
Eric Szulczewski: No reason, no purpose, no status on the line, the crown’s not on the line, Paisley doesn’t find large bald Cro-Magnon-looking guys attractive (which totally kills Hyatte’s chances with her). Why? Just, why? Well, they need to push the See No Evil DVD, so I guess that points out your winner.
Winner – Kane
Iain Burnside: Remember those epic battles of old between the psychotic pyromaniac and the faux-royal? No? Well, then. I guess you’d call it cowardice, but I’m not prepared to go on like this. Not until this feud gets more midgets.
Winner – THE BLACK GUY
GRUT: Booker cheats to win, setting up some kind of coffin match at Wrestlemania.
Winner – King Booker
Danny Cox: This match actually has some potential to it. It’s a damn shame that Kane stepped in and ruined King Booker at the movies though this past Friday. That was GOLD while it lasted. Kane really can never seem to pick up the victories over big-named opponents. Umaga, Edge the list just goes on and on. I see him winning it here and keeping the feud going a little while longer as King Bookah freaks out.
Winner – Kane
Vinny Truncellito: Kane’s still on the roster? As Ron Simmons would say, “Damn!†King Booker’s been out of the limelight, and apparently they’re still hoping to sell a few more See No Evil DVDs.
Winner – Kane
Troy Hepple: I’m not sure with this match. On one hand, they could always want to keep King Booker strong heading in to another possible rematch against Batista. On the other, what’s the harm in having Kane win? Hm. This is when I decide to pick at random.
Winner – King Booker
Pulse Glazer: Booker has to win to set up a rematch.
Winner – King Booker
Kace Evers – Wait…wasn’t one of the guys in Harlem Heat originally called Kane? Ehhh…it’s about time for WrestleMania, which means back to the doghouse for Booker. A shame, really, but maybe they’ll prove me wrong this time.
Winner – Kane
Charlie Marsh: This should be relatively fun. That’s really all I can say about it. Booker wins with help from the queen.
Winner – King Booker
Allen Noah: Since King Booker is probably the best thing the WWE has going for them these days, it pains me to see him wasted like this. Bring him over to Raw and let him fued with Edge and you will get if nothing else some of the better promos we have seen in a while. Anyway, a loss here sends King Booker into a freefall while Kane can afford a loss here so we will go with King Booker in this one with Sharmell-ference.
Winner – King Booker
Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Ken Kennedy – ECW Title
PK: No way Kennedy wins the belt…Lashley is on too much of a push, despite how awful he actually is.
Winner – Lashley
Eric Szulczewski: So, what day is this? Okay, is this the day where Vince is serious again about ECW? Regardless of whether he is or not, Lashley’s untouchable, and we all know it. Nothing, NOTHING, will be done to make Lashley look weak. FudgePacker will get in his offense, like he always does (hey, if he did against UT…), but the combination of Lashley’s status and the fact that not even WWE is stupid enough to swap the ECW strap on a Smackdown PPV makes a loss inevitable. All I hope is that Lashley knocks out every one of FudgePacker’s teeth or does a Steamboat on his throat so we don’t have to listen to him.
Winner – Bobby Lashley
Iain Burnside: ECW is Behind My Camel. There are no words.
Winner – THE COLOURED FELLA
GRUT: E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! Seriously though, I can’t believe they’ve done this to CM Punk. Not because he’s awesome or because every Internet geek is required to love him, but because it’s a terrible business decision. Lashley cuts a shitty interview and has a terrible t-shirt and figure in merchandise. Try to stop me is a lousy catchphrase, and if that’s the best they could come up with in all the time he has been in the company, that’s just sad. CM Punk meanwhile has two t-shirts and a skull cap. His merchandise has routinely been a top seller. He wins new fans with his promos. I could give a shit about backstage demeanor, the man makes the company money and the company responds by feeding him to Snitzky? There’s a rumor going around that they see no future for him, but don’t want him to go to TNA because he might become a star. Just make him a f*cking star! Shit like this is why you shouldn’t invest in WWE stock. Not only that, they created casual fan interest in him by debuting him at a small venue filled with hardcore fans. They could hire any number of people away from Ring of Honor and get the same reaction, creating 3 or 4 instant stars, but all of a sudden it’s not financially viable to do that once every three months. They stumbled on to a gold mine and they’re not collecting. What a bunch of idiots. Wait, what was the question?
Winner – Bobby Lashley (But watch out for the Snitzky sneak attack! Lashley vs. Snitzky at Wrestlemania for the ECW title. Holy crap. Just… just wow.)
Danny Cox: What the hell is the point of this match? No seriously, where did it come from unless they are going to have Kennedy take the title and move over to ECW right away? If that’s the case, then I like it because it will open up a much better ECW Title match at Mania with someone going up against Kennedy. Perhaps RVD or Punk could step it up in the next month. Kennedy came so close to the World Title only to keep missing out. Mr. Boring As Hell’s streak ends here, and good riddance.
Winner – Mr. Kennedy Kennedy
Vinny Truncellito: No chance in Hell of a title change here, but I hope Kennedy can work a decent match with the former Army Sergeant.
Winner – Bobby Lashley
Troy Hepple: Royal Rumble title match rules apply here; a victory to help make the champion look strong heading into WrestleMania.
Winner – Bobby Lashley
Pulse Glazer – It doesn’t make sense for someone not on the roster to win the title.
Winner – Lashley
Kace Evers: I just can’t see Ken as ECW World Champion.
Winner – Bobby Lashley
Charlie Marsh: If there is a God this match is Extreme Rules and Kennedy gets broken in half in some spot involving tables, barbed wire and fire.
Winner: If the above happens, me, otherwise Lashley retains
Allen Noah: So, why is this on here? Given Vince’s love affair with Lashley I can’t see him losing here and Kennedy has nothing to gain from this match. I have no idea what Eric S plans on writing for this one but just add whatever hateful things he has to say about Kennedy and apply them here, thanks.
Winner – Lashley
Gregory Helms (c) vs. Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Funaki vs. Daivari vs. Shannon Moore vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Jamie Noble – Cruiserweight Open – Cruiserweight Title
PK: We have 3 options here. 1) Helms retains. 2) Heel to heel title switch (Daivari, Chavo would make sense). 3) Moore wins and moves to SD. As I would like to see something big happen here, Helms keeps the title, since he is basically the CW division.
Winner – Helms
Matthew Michaels: Helms actually won his title in this type of match, so it would be fitting for him to lose here. Do they put the belt on Daivari, and then have the Detroit native play heel in his home town at Mania? Do they give it to Moore, and have him bring the title to ECW? Do they try to confuse us and give it to Chavo simply because they feel bad they f*cked up his Benoit feud so badly? I’m leaning towards a title change here, since I doubt the tag titles or ECW strap are going anywhere, so…
Winner – Daivari
Eric Szulczewski: Helms’ sell-by date reads August 2006. He’s long past stale. Here’s the perfect opportunity to get the strap off of him. If it plays out like past history, it’ll be, oh, the irony, his old tag partner Moore getting the duke (see Royal Rumble 2006 if you don’t understand). But let’s go through the competitors, shall we? Scotty? Can’t decide what show he should be on. Funaki? Comedy relief, and they’re playing the CW strap as Serious Business. Chavito? Above this whole thing, still Number One Contender for the US strap. Noble? Barely on TV anymore. Wang? In the middle of a de-push because he got over without anyone’s help. Moore? You’re kidding, right? That leaves one choice, and, hey, it’s actually the logical, intelligent decision for once. What’s going on here?
Winner – Shaun Daivari
Iain Burnside: Title changes are fun. Like walking on the moooooooon.
Winner – THE WEE GUY WHO SURVIVED THE KHALI SUCK
GRUT: What the hell? Wasn’t Chavo working his way up the card? Oh well.
Winner – Chavo. Why not?
Danny Cox: Depending on how they do this and if they are given at least 20-25 minutes, this could be great. I know Mania is coming up shortly, but the brand extension has been dead since about November. Scotty jumped to RAW only to show up for a match on SmackDown two weeks later? Now Shannon Moore is showing up too. Here’s a WILD idea put all the cruiserweights on one show and then actually have a division devoted to them. Considering Helms hasn’t had an actual CW match in months, let’s put the guys to good use. Silly me logic isn’t for the WWE.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Vinny Truncellito: Hmmm. What’s with all the sudden interest in the Cruiserweight division? Are they prepping for some, you know, actual storylines, with feuds and everything? That would be nice.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Troy Hepple: Alright so Chavo Guerrero is wrestling in this match. The only legitimate contenders for the belt are Chavo Guerrero, Jimmy Wang Yang, Daivari, and Gregory Helms. Helms will retain thanks to two simple facts: there’s no title contenders strong enough to dethrone him of the title even in this match, and they’ll end the title reign at one of the big four pay per views. The only person I think actually has a chance of dethroning Helms is CM Punk, but that won’t happen unless they decide to move either Punk or half of the Cruiser Weight Division to the other show.
Winners – Gregory Helms
Aaron: Given time this would steal the show. Naturally it will get no time.
Winner – James Gibson
Kace Evers: Spotamania runs mild!
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Charlie Marsh: Daivari wins and gets as big a push as the Cruiserweight champion can get.
Winner – Daivari
Allen Noah: Helms has had the belt forever and it’s pointless for him to lose it here with Wrestlemania just around the corner. Rumor has it they like Dakvari so if anyone takes the title from Helms it will be him. Having said that, again I can’t see a title change being wasted here when Wrestlemania is so soon.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Deuce & Domino – WWE Tag Team Titles
PK: With the greasers getting the last couple matches, I doubt they actually pull off getting the straps away from the Hooliganz.
Winners – London/Kendrick
Matthew Michaels: It’s still not time to take the belts off the HooliganZ, especially with their manager about to be on the cover of Playboy…
Winners – London & Kendrick
Eric Szulczewski: I complained about this in the Short Form for the last few weeks. They’re using the exact same build on Douche and Dildo that they used on both MNM and Team Twink Porn when they were up-and-comers. The habit has been to have an extended feud prior to a belt swap. However, unlike those two teams, the Fifties gimmick doesn’t have legs. There may be a temptation there to swap the straps. That being said, we all know that a multiple-participant match is in the cards for WM. What that won’t be is a Ladder Match. Everyone who insists on a Ladder Match is forgetting four little words: Money In The Bank. If there’s a title swap, it’ll be at WM, where they can do a swap without making Team Twink Porn look bad.
Winners – Hepple’s Favorite Fantasy
Iain Burnside: Are they actually being billed as The Hooliganz now, or is that just MM’s eternal hope showing through yet again? For a man with such a profound moustache he certainly seems fond of those two little boys. Every breath you take, every move you make, he’ll be watching you.
Winners – THE LITTLE FELLAS
GRUT: I think Hooliganz deserve to lose the belts at Wrestlemania, and the build up to this match suggests they finally get the victory. Still, I’m going to go against my gut.
Winners – Deuce and Domino
Danny Cox: Not sure why the ladder match was taken away unless they are simply waiting to blow their whole load at Mania which would make sense. Three wins (two tag and one singles) for D&D over the champs in the past few weeks. I like how they are building them up, but you know they aren’t going to win when it really counts for the belts. This hopefully leads to a big time tag match in April including Regal and Taylor.
Winners – Hooliganz
Vinny Truncellito: There is no sense in the Doo Wop wonders dominating the champs in three consecutive outings unless they plan to switch the straps. Logic having no place in today’s WWE, however, I’ll pick the champs to retain.
Winner – The Hooliganz
Troy Hepple: Could be a good match, but I stand by what I said; Deuce and Domino should NOT hold the titles until October at the very least. Of course, I’ve probably put a jinx on this, so then I’ll turn to what I said about Gregory Helms. They’ll save the title change until a big event, and they’ll have built up the new champions for a long time, otherwise they’re screwed.
Winners – Paul London and Brian Kendrick
Pulse Glazer: D and D don’t do a thing for me.
Winner – London and Kendrick
Kace Evers: Sadly, I’m not even sure I’m interested in this.
Winner – Hooliganz
Charlie Marsh: Deuce & Domino win and The Hooliganz break up, just like every other title match between long-reigning tag team champions and a new team.
Winners – Deuce & Domino
Allen Noah: WWE seems to be pushing Douche and Domino a little too quickly and even still I can’t see them winning the straps here because it just doesn’t make sense. Then again since it doesn’t make sense that means it will probably happen. Anyway, I am still holding out hope and giving the win to the Hooligans (I refuse to spell things with a ‘Z’ instead of an ‘S’).
Winners – The Hooligans
Batista & The Undertaker vs. John Cena & Shawn Michaels
PK: This will be the match that turns someone heel. They can’t just go into WM with 2 face vs. face main events. I have to believe that Batista will be the one to turn, and end up costing their team that match.
Winners – Cena/HBK
Matthew Michaels: Smackdown show, they have to give the win to SD here. Actually… no they don’t. RAW wins after Batista turns on Taker.
Winners – RAW
Eric Szulczewski: This is possibly the ultimate example of a PPV Pimp Match: the main event of a PPV being used to pimp the double main event of the next PPV. In other words, it’s all about Mania. Therefore, the booking of this match is dependent on the situation of the feuds in question. Which Mania match needs more sweetening determines the winner here. Obviously, Michaels/Cena, in their minds, is the choice in that regard. UT/DAVE can be done purely on Title Versus Streak, and that’s what they’re building up to. The only question becomes who turns on who. If they had any balls and any sense of taste, they’d have Cena turn on Michaels. Yeah, like that’ll happen. Besides, this is a Smackdown PPV, and don’t you think there’s a slight element of bad taste involved in having the Raw guys go over?
Winners – UT and DAVE, with Michaels turning on Cena
Iain Burnside: This week’s picks shall be done in the style of The Police matches. For instance, with regards to Shawn, John, Dave and Mark, dee-do-do-do, dee-dah-dah-dah is all I’ve got to say to you.
Winners – absolutely irrelevant, but let’s go with SMACKDOWN
GRUT: Shmozz? Yeah, shmozz.
Winners – No one! Fine, umm, Team Raw.
Danny Cox: SmackDown team got the upper hand on RAW. RAW team got the upper hand on SmackDown. I somehow still feel that HBK and Cena are going to pull this one out. Reason being is they have the tag belts still and will need to lose them before Mania so a tag-title match can happen from RAW. There can be dissention between causing them to lose the belts to WGTT sometime soon and thus building to their main event match at Mania. The SmackDown team will have problems here leading to Batista giving a spinebuster to Taker and walking away which will successfully piss the dead man off.
Winners – The Holy Marine
Vinny Truncellito: According to Booking 101, ‘Taker and Batista are due for retribution, and since it is a SmackDown show
Winner – Batista and Undertaker
Troy Hepple: Both teams will have their problems, but Cena will accidentally hit Michaels and Taker will pin Michaels. Afterwards, hopefully, Undertaker and Batista will fight. Actually, I’d love to see Batista tease an injury during this match, maybe from the STFU.
Winners – Undertaker and Batista
Pulse Glazer: The winner here doesn’t actually matter, it’s just a nice chance to get stars in the ring with each other.
Winner – DQ, Schmozz, something along those lines.
Kace Evers: Someone misfires on something and there’s a Superkick in there somewhere.
Winner – Shawn Michaels & John Cena
Charlie Marsh: Smackdown’s guys win on their home turf, I suspect with HBK walking away and Cena getting pinned, then Batista getting choke slammed for the hell of it.
Winners – Batista/Undertaker
Allen Noah: This match was booked for one reason and one reason only, to get people to actually buy this PPV. I for one, am not biting. Picking an actual winner is tough because it is a Smackdown PPV so I cannot see Batista and the Undertaker losing while I can’t see WWE jobbing out Raw’s tag champs. I’m guessing this thing ends up in a giant brawl with teammates turning on each other and it ends in a no contest of sorts, we’ll go with a double count-out.
Winner – Draw, Double Count-Out
