So here we are for the second TNAnalysis, and, as I have yet to be canned, it is comforting to know that my contribution to this site has not been a complete and unprecedented disaster. Hooray, etc.
As we approach 9 PM ET, I find myself watching the end of the This is TNA special, and the main thing I’m thinking about is how uninterested I am in Fozzy. Sorry, Chris, but the band isn’t going anywhere, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get back to killing yourself for my amusement.
TNA¦ We are still wrestling.
We come back to clips from the Against All Odds PPV. Didn’t see it, but part of me wants to see the chain match, as well as watch Sting go all hardcore, even if I feel bad for Mitchell for having the tar kicked out of him just for being a heel manager.
We’re in the Impact Zone, and Scott Steiner is here, and I instinctively cringe, as I might have to listen to him “speak,”and by “speak,” I mean ramble unintelligibly under the weight of his metal headdress.
So, Christian Cage gave him a call asking if he knew how to beat Kurt Angle. Huh? Has Steiner even faced Kurt Angle? How would he know a thing about how to take him out? Apparently, Steiner’s contract wasn’t renegotiated because the money was used to sign Angle. Steiner says he beat Cena, Batista, and HHH, but I’m not sure if any of that’s actually true. In fact, I’m almost POSITIVE that he never beat HHH. Honestly, I find it hard to focus when I see that idiotic chain hanging from his chin like a silver piece of drool. Steiner makes references to Angle’s wife calling him, looking for a real man, and so, of course…
Kurt Angle comes out, confronts Steiner, calls him self-centered, and says that he came to this company FOR the company, and definitely not because of the money. I can believe that; also, WWE canned him for being addicted to pain killers and competition simultaneously, and not knowing what was best for him. I can believe that, too. Steiner says Angle has what he wants, Angle gets confrontational, Steiner punches Angle, Angle punches back, Angle German suplexes Steiner, and locks an ankle lock on him. Christian Cage comes in, German and ankle lock for him; Tomko gets in, German and ankle lock for him, too, but Steiner attacks him from behind.
For some reason, the locker room empties to aid Angle, lead by Samoa Joe. Hey, Shark Boy! They chase Christian and friends out. People leave, and as Angle is talking to Joe, promising him a future title shot, we see Norman Smiley exit the ring, too! Call me crazy, but I get more excited for random wrestler sitings than for seeing Scott Steiner talk about Angle’s old lady.
We see Elevation X, and I’m already filled with dread. Not for the danger, mind you, just because scaffold matches, almost by definition, are freakin’ awful. After all, how much ring psychology can you have when you’re too worried about falling to your death? See, by necessity, the only real way to get dramatic tension is to tease falls to the ring or the floor, but without typical bumps or, for the most part, spots, it’s the sort of activity that wrestling fans aren’t really trained to cheer for. I’m wondering how they can solve this problem; maybe have people start in the ring or something? But then, there’d be no reason to climb up in the first place…hmm…
Konnan and LAX interview, where Konnan speaks Spanish and says something about beating Team 3D in their own match. Oh, snap! This is what it is.
Commercial
We come back to Cage and friends being sort of interviewed. The interviewer doesn’t actually say anything. However, Cage’s awesomeness knows no bounds, and he proposes that Steiner and Tomko (both in the 14-man Gauntlet for the Gold tonight) fight til the end, then forfeit the match. Steiner has issues with that, and so Cage calls for a group hug. No go, and Steiner storms out. Cage then tells Tomko, in a sensitive moment, that Tomko has always been like a son to him, which Tomko brushes away by saying that HE likes the idea of being champion, too, and that he’ll see his “dad” later. Cage as champion makes me happy, as the idea of him leading a heel faction can only lead to more Cage-centered moments like this…that, or it could be overwhelmed with mediocre wrestlers, and dilute Cage’s character, but what are the chances of THAT happening?
LAX vs. Shark Boy and Norman Smiley
LAX runs in and beat on Shark Boy and Smiley. Some SmileyShark shenanigans (a term which I should totally trademark), such as a do-si-do into double dropkicks, and Stereo Big Wiggle, but Shark Boy gets Homicuttered and Smiley gets a Crackerjack. Powerbomb/legdrop combo on Sharkboy, and it’s done.
After the match, Team 3D shows up on the screen with “Big Cousin Steve” Schrippa from the The Sopranos.
Next week, 3D proposes a “Belting Pot” match, which is basically a lumberjack match where the guys surrounding the ring have belts. When you mess with the family, you’re gonna get whacked, but LAX is okay with that, and they accept. Yippee. Lumberjack matches are always fun, except when they’re not. Like all of the time. Isn’t this at all reminiscent of the whole “Gang Wars” thing that WWE did back in the 90s, but with less factions? If this is going anywhere, please let me know, because right now, it’s just feuding with mediocre stories that don’t really seem to be building anywhere. How many gimmick matches can there be before the blowoff?
Video Recap of Brooks/Young/Roode fiasco
Borash interviews Eric Young and Ms. Brooks. Young still doesn’t get it, and she tells him how no one can possibly love him, really making sure it gets through his thick little head. Robert Roode comes in, angry that Young is speaking to her without permission, and he yells at him, and he makes Eric give him the “Don’t Fire Eric” shirt! That monster!
Since when did Roode become the Million Dollar Man? Just give him the Million Dollar Belt and a black manservant and get on with it. Not just that, but where DID he get all of that money, anyway? Before this, he was just random Team Canada guy, but all of a sudden it turns out that he has all of this money for no reason? Yes, we get that he’s all ABOUT the money, but he’s playing the “I’m rich, so I’m better than you” card at times, but there’s no basis for it. At least JBL had his business acumen to back up his Million Dollar Man character, but right now, all Roode has is “goofy Canadian” on his business resume.
You know, I’ve read all of these interviews from other wrestlers talking about how great Roode is, and how he’s the next big thing, but he has shown me absolutely nothing that would lead me to that conclusion. He’s solid enough in the ring, I guess, but competence does not a superstar make.
Commercial
Video Recap of the AMW feud about Jackie Moore and Gail Kim
We now get an Arm Wrestling Match between Gail Kim and Jackie
Gail enters first, and, good god, is she hot. Sorry, just had to say it. By the way, I think it’s great to see Jackie on TV again, as she was always a trusty go-to women’s performer, no matter what company she worked for.
Anyway, they arm wrestle, Gal Kim wins, Jacke tries to attack her, but Gail takes her down. James Storm holds Gail back, though, and Jackie wails on her. Petey Williams comes out for the rescue, and he tackles Storm. Storm clocks Petey, but “Pirate” Chris Harris comes out of the crowd and chases away the heels. Okay then.
Chris Sabin interview. He pretends to be old, and I am not incredibly enthused with hilarity. Bob Backlund shows up, making reference to a Senior Citizens Luncheon that Sabin interrupted or something, and says that, next week, he’s going to hand pick someone for Sabin’s ladder match that will teach him a lesson, dagnabbit. I’m not sure how I feel about Backlund being a character on the show, but I think I’m leaning towards, “lovable, if insane, old coot.”
Paparazzi Idol, complete with Jay Lethal singing poorly. However, while he can’t sing a lick, Jay Lethal actually does an awesome Randy Savage impression.
Next is the Gauntlet for the Gold match, which is, basically, a Royal Rumble where the last two people left fight in a regular match and the winner gets a title shot.
Commercial
We come back to Ron Killings doing Rocky Blackboa and a big fat black woman playing Adrian. Holy crap, is this awful. Killings looks like an absolute fool, and I can only assume that this is some sort of horrible punishment for possibly thinking about leaving the company, or maybe doing some unspeakable horror to the Jarrett family.
Video Recap of Sting and Abyss. See, there’s promise here, but it’s weird to see Sting trying to help Abyss by beating the ever-loving crap out of him. Honestly, I wonder if TNA could take the Sting/Abyss issue to a level that would go someplace other than viciously tearing apart James Mitchell. What’s that going to fix? See, the problem with the “Saving Abyss’ soul” storyline is that Mitchell has already revealed what he really feels towards Abyss, such as saying that he’s a meal ticket, and someone for Mitchell to use until something bigger and better comes along. What reason does Abyss have to ever leave Mitchell if he already knows how little he means to the guy? See, there eventually needs to be some kind of choice made by Abyss to go with the good father (Sting) or the bad father (Mitchell), but they seem to be going about it all wrong. If Sting really wants to help him, he should LET himself get beaten by Abyss, as that might show some actual, y’know, trust and caring.
Okay, rant over.
Sting enters for the Gauntlet, followed by AJ Styles.
Gauntlet for the Gold
People will enter in one-minute intervals, so we get Sting and AJ for awhile. Nothing special between the two, although we get a Stinger Splash that misses right before Rhino enters, and he goes right after AJ. Rhino tears him up and”¦we go to a commercial?! Oh, what a load of sh-
Commercial
Ad for TNA Lockdown
Fallen Angel Promo
Aaaaaand we’re back to wrestling, and recent entries include Kip James, James Storm, and Chris Sabin, but no eliminations yet.and now we have Abyss. AJ goes for a high five with Abyss, and Abyss just chokeslams him instead. Heh. Sabin goes for a Tornado DDT on Abyss, but Abyss catches him and knocks Sabin over the top. Next entrant is Kurt Angle, who suplexes Storm right away. Some back and forth between Angle and James, but Storm charges Angle and gets back dropped over the top for his trouble. Tomko is next, and he starts pounding on James, but gets German suplexed by Angle. Styles has Rhino in some headscissors, and they’re both leaning over the ropes, and Tomko walks over and tosses them both out. Samoa Joe is next, and he goes in a-punching. James starts punching him back though, so Joe gets pissed off, and angrily grabs Kip by the face and just tosses him over. That’s a nice touch, as it shows that he can take you out whenever he feels like it; it gives the sense that, most of the time, he’s just toying with people, or enjoys the fun of the fight. It gives the sense that he’s usually holding back just for fun.
Commercial? Ah, what a load…
Coming back, BG James, Bobby Roode, and Eric Young have come in, and Scott Steiner enters as our last participant. A minute later, Steiner eliminates BG James, while Tomko, Sting and Steiner try to eliminate Angle, but Steiner breaks it up for some reason. Samoa Joe eliminates Abyss with a running dropkick. Holy crap, Steiner eliminates Angle! Roode clotheslines Sting, whose hair is just going crazy. Eric Young is called over by Roode to fight against Sting, but Young hesitates, looking confused. Sting clotheslines Roode out, but Steiner throws Sting over right afterwards. Tomko tosses Young over (while Roode is telling him to eliminate himself), and we’re down to Tomko, Steiner and Joe. One guess as to who’s going to win. Here’s a hint: he’s the only one you might think of spending money on.
Tomko and Steiner work together to pound on Joe, and do a fairly good job of it, and Steiner does that ridiculous flexing elbow dop. Tomko gives a quick suplex to Joe, and then Team Christian double suplexes Joe. Steiner gets Joe over the top, but he hangs on to the ropes and stays on the apron. Steiner and Tomko get into a tiff, and Tomko pushes Steiner into Joe, who tosses Steiner to the floor. It’s down to Joe and Tomko, and the ending becomes even MORE predictable. Back and forth between Joe and Tomko, which ends with a muscle buster from Joe for the three count.
You know, if they’d at least had it down to Joe and Steiner, there could have been some possibility of either winning, as Steiner is a name, but Joe or Tomko? There wasn’t a single person in that crowd that thought that Tomko was winning that match. Remember the last ten minutes of the Royal Rumble this year, when it was down to Taker and Michaels, and the crowd was super-into it because either of those guys were viable winners?
Christian comes down to join his boys, and they face down Joe, but Angle comes out to back him up, and the show ends.
The Inside Pulse
Final Thoughts: The show was okay, I guess, but the only match with any real sizzle was the Gauntlet. Actually, now that I mention it, do you know how many real matches this show had? Two. We get one LAX squash, the Gauntlet match, and that’s it. Oh wait, I’m sorry, I forgot to mention the stirring arm-wrestling match. While I understand that the Gauntlet was long, and we did get some storyline development, TNA’s tag line shouldn’t be “We are wrestling” when they hardly ever get around to actually doing it.
