NOT REALLY SHOCKING.
SO WE’RE HERE ON MONDAY
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE DO
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Yes here we are – I have very little to start with so here is who is here:
JEFFREY – Our Bartender
MIKE – Our Quester
HERNANDEZ – Our Native American
SARAH – Our Mike’s Friend
JEN – Our Token Weekly Girl!
ERIC – Our Mr. Fun!
KAT – Our Mr. Fun’s Friend
BILL – Our Guy Who Leaves Halfway Through!
DANI – My Token Every Night Girl!
ME – Our Me! My Me! The Me! James Hatton.
Let’s also not forget the Inside Pulse Forumers – The Insyders!
The show starts off with Vinnie Mac & Donald’s deal.
His hair versus Donalds with each picking their own ‘avatar’
“CUE AL SNOW!” – Me
But the show begins with Vince coming in with a barber pole right in the middle of the ring.
“I thought they were bringing back Brutus” – Mike
“ME TOO!” – Me
Vince standing in the ring with a full barber set-up. He announces that Wrestlemania – his rep is going to defeat Donald’s and then he’s going to beat the hell out of Donald himself.
He is looking for when Donald is begging for him not to beat him. Not to destroy him.
Vince now shows Britney’s before picture. Then after.
“She kinda looks like Kevin Federline now.” – Me
He claims that Donald will look grotesque without hair. We then get a photoshop job of what he would look like with a bald look, a mohawk, a crew-cut, dreadlocks.
“I don’t think Vince is this good of a hairstylist” – Me
“I don’t understand how Vince will make his hair longer.” – Bill
Oh and then he cracks a Hogan joke. Brother brother brother.
Donald is going to make his announcement about who is going to rep him next week. Tonight though… Vince will announces his.
“Bruno Sammartino!” – Me
“Umaga” – Mike
“The Samoan Bulldoozer.” – Eric
Yep.. it’s Umaga.
“He bites down on the scissors.” – Bill
Armando explains that it would be an honor to have Umaga destroy Trumps representative at Mania.
“Ha.Ha.” – Bill
Now though he is going to get a match for the Intercontinental title.. and here comes Jeff Hardy!
“Wow, Jeff Hardy got pyro.” – Mike
“Jeff Hardy is skipping..” – Me
“Does that surprise you?” – Mike
“He’s actually just skipping from all the drugs.” – Eric
“That’s Gummi-Juice.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:11
JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA
Aww Man
We’re back with Umaga throwing Jeff out of the ring and Jeff landing on the apron and bailing as Umaga goes after him. Umaga slides out – Jeff slides in – baseball slide to Umaga’s face… and two.
Top rope dive. Caught and as Umaga charges the turnbuckle, Jeff leaps out of the way. He does the running the rail spot, but gets caught right in the throat.
Umaga throws Jeff into the ring – he eats a boot – some headbutts – stomps – same barrel of tricks.
“I like that they give Umaga longer matches now..” – Mike
“Yeah, it really extends his moveset.” – Me
Legdrop.
“That move hasn’t worked since 1986.” – Mike
“Brother.” – Me
Nerve pinch on Jeff now. Flying headbutt gets a big ol miss. Jeff fights to his feet. Umaga gets up and charges Jeff, and another miss. Now Jeff hits the top rope – Whisper In The Wind and a cover for a THROWN two. Umaga throws Jeff into the corner.. bounces out into the samoan drop.
“His make-up is running.” – Bill
“Which do you mean?” – Me
“Sting.” – Bill
Now Umaga sets Jeff into the corner. He charges for the butt-bounce.. and Jeff eats it! Thumbpoke of doom for the pin.. and that’s that.
WINNER & IC CHAMPION: UMAGA
“Your Intercontinental Bulldozer.” – Bill
Vince watches on and gives the thumbs up.
“Trump’s gonna pick Ultimate Warrior.. I was going to say Mike Awesome, but that seems less likely.” – Mike
Coming up – a Money In The Bank Qualifier – Edge vs. RVD
“The two former winners.” – Mike
Also Cena vs. Orton.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:21
Mick Foley? Ah, he’s discussing his new book… it’s a commercial. The Hardcore Diaries.
Also tonight – Mickie James vs. Melina…
Now though, it’s Ric Flair time!
“Are we going to get 3 weeks in a row where Flair doesn’t get jumped backstage or bleeds??” – Insyder Soak1313
Eric makes a note that Lillian Garcia isn’t here.
So now comes Carlito with Torrie.
RIC FLAIR & CARLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH
“He got new pants” – Dani
“Those are just chaps.” – Bill
“Half a pair then.” – Me
Bell rings. Ric starting with Cade. Side headlock – and a toss to the ropes from Cade. Flair eats a shoulder – then Cade eats a hiptoss. Tag to Carlito – and they punch it out with Cade on top.
Throws Carlito to the ropes – second rope back elbow. Carlito now on top as he hits a boot – a high knee – and a clothesline. He goes for a second but Murdoch distracts him so he can hit a rock bottom (or whatever it’s really called) – Murdoch gets a tag and the tag team beatdowns begin.
Headlock to Carlito from Murdoch. Carlito fights out of it. Hits the ropes and eats an elbow.
“Is there wrestling on.. I keep staring at Torrie’s breasts.” – Jeffrey
Murdoch climbs the top rope to hit a double ax – He drops as Carlito lifts a foot. Murdoch catches the foot, goes for an elbow and misses it.
Carlito makes the hot tag to Flair – and it’s chop fest all over Murdoch. Throws him to the ropes – Back body drop.
“Flair’s looking freally good tonight.” – Me
“That’s because he’s wrestling Trevor Murdoch” – Bill
“And he hasn’t drank tonight.” – Mike
Flair goes for the Figure Four with Murdoch – Cade goes up to the top but Flair runs over to gut shot him. Carlito helps clothesline Cade over the top. The ref stops Carlito as Flair nutshots him.
Carlito gets the tag – backcracker – The End.
WINNER: RIC FLAIR & CARLITO
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
Next though – Shawn & Cena
Hey, Mania is in 41 days. Now Todd is in the back to talk to Shawn & Cena. They won last night. Cena says they won last night because they know exactly where they stand at Mania.
Shawn agrees – as he wants to make sure nothing happens to Cena between now and Mania. They go nose to nose and Shawn introduces the New And Improved DX DVD… Cena seems amazed.
“Here comes the Marine DVD.” – Mike
And – in fact – here comes the Marine DVD. Shawn sells it amazingly.
“It has action!” – Cena
“Mine has action!” – Shawn
Ok funny bit. Ending with naked oily guy… getting superkicked.
Edge and Orton in the back, with a tv making it seem they are, in fact, naked. They discuss Money In The Bank and Orton’s match tonight.
“They should cash the Money In The Bank when they are sleeping” – Dani
“Crash Holly style?” – Me
“Dead?” – Mike
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
We get a shot of Edge’s MOTB win.
“So RVD’s losing?” – Hernandez
“I want Benoit to win it.” – Mike
“I think Kenny Dykstra’s gonna win it..” – Hernandez
“I’m Ok with that.” – Me
“As long as he loses it..” – Hernandez
We now see RVD win it.
Hey – You Think You Know Me!
“I know how I’m winning.. I slept with his wife.” – Hernandez
Edge humps the mat.
“..wish Lita was here.. wish Lita was here..” – Mike
“Do you see what you did on the mat!” – Bill
“Clean that up!” – Hernandez
EDGE vs. RVD
MOTB – Qualifyer
Edge begins to wring the arm. RVD fights out with a kick to the gut and catches Edge’s arm in an armbar. Edge rolls out.
RVD gestures.
“These – Are – My Shoulders” – Me
“I – Am – Holding” – Eric
“I’m – With – Stupid” – Dani
Side headlock from Edge. Tosses Edge into the corner and runs in to hit Edge with a monkeyflip.
“Is the combat roll necessary?” – Dani
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
We’re back and RVD is wringing the hell out of Edge’s arm. Rolls it into a tight armbar. RVD now goes for a pin – only two. Edge and RVD now fight on the ropes. RVD flips Edge to the ropes but eats a boot to the chest, but then RVD throws Edge over the top rope. Outside – RVD hits a top apron spinning heel. As he’s about to get in, Edge gives him a boot to the chest.
“RVD is wrestling a Vince style match..” – Hernandez
“It’s not like he has to worry about being fired.” – Me
Edge then hits a neckbreaker, nice shot. Edge on his feet, taking a moment to get to RVD. Grabs him. Reverse neck breaker for two. Knees to the back of RVD’s back. RVD pumps his fist to gain fan support.
“Is he a choochoo?” – Dani
Finally a kick to Edge’s head ends the hold.
Back to their feet they fight it out, Edge on top – RVD throws him to the ropes – throws a huge spinning high kick.
“HADOUKEN!” – Me
Again to their feet. Again they fight it out. Again Edge gets it. Again Edge eats a big boot. Then another. RVD goes for the rolling thunder…. EDGE CATCHES HIM! Powerslam! Two! Nice shot.
Edge brings RVD onto the top turnbuckle… RVD throws him to the top rope. Now RVD climbs to the top. He flies with a spinning heel that sending him outside.
Edge gets up and RVD top rope leaps and throws Edge back in. He hits the top rope again…. Hits a flying crossbody, but Edge dropkicks! TWO COUNT! Edge goes for the spear…. MISSES!
RVD fights Edge – throws Edge to the corner – and there is a leapfrog spot. RVD hits the split leg moonsault for two.
“I’m not feeling.. that wasn’t weed… it was oregano.” – Hernandez
Edge runs in to hit him with a boot – there is the step over heelkick. RVD runs up to the top turnbuckle. HERE COMES ORTON!
RVD catches him square with a boot – but he’s distracted so he eats eats eats a spear spear spear!
“SPEAR!” – Mike
“GORE!” – Eric
“SPEAR!” – Mike
“GORE!” – Eric
WINNER: EDGE
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:05
Here come the Paparazzi… and here comes Melina.
Now it’s time for Mickie looking cute in white and yellow.
MELINA vs. MICKIE JAMES
WOMEN! Just cuz
Lock up to start. They fight corner to corner and they roll to the ground and back to their feet. Mickie finally throws her off. Moves it to a side headlock – Melina spins it into an armbar.
“wrong arm.. WRONG ARM!” – Hernandez
Melina kicks Mickie a few times dropping her to her knees. Then is going for a big punch and eats a clothesline or two. Snapmare. Sitting dropkick. Melina then eats a baseball slide to send her ot the outside.
“That had to hurt.. she landed on her boob.” – Dani
Mickie goes for another baseball slide, but Melina catches the leg and pulls her out. Rolls back in and knees Mickie a few times. Hair pull throw for two. Melina headslams Mickie down, and then goes for a hairpulling leglock.
More kicks in the corner and Mickie trips up Melina and they spill to the mat, fighting it out. Mickie wins and hairthrows Melina. Knees to Melina’s face. Headslam. Melina throws Mickie to the ropes – ducks a clothesline – lands a Thesz Press.
Mickie climbs up to the top and throws a headscissors, but Melina drops her. She hits a backbridge pin.. annnnd WINS IT?!?!?!?!
“Her with the belt is like the shit I just took.” – Mike
“Why did they let her win?” – Dani
WINNER: MELINA
We don’t get it.
“Where’s Beth Phoenix.” – Mike
“She can’t give head like she used to.” – Jen
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:19
In the back, Maria, Candice, Maria, and Mickie.. oh and Maria.
Mickie is upset – Todd wants to talk to her – Mickie
IT’S THE HIGHLANDERS IN THE RING!
“They are surprised they are even there.” – Eric
“They’re not on Heat?” – Mike
And the opponent music starts.. and we groan.
KHALI vs. THE HIGHLANDERS
Dani’s bored…
So as Khali enters the ring, the Highlanders start the doubleteam beating. Khali says NO! And throws Robbie out of the ring. In the ring now with Rori who eats a couple headbutts. Robbie gets in and he gets beat in the head to drop him. Rori goes for a dropkick.. hits it and then gets thrown out. Robbie eats a big boot.
Khali picks up Robbie by the throat. Chokeslam.
“The Highlanders are officially jobbers now aren’t they?” – Jeffrey
One foot pin. The end.
WINNER: KHALI
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:26
The Cast of Grindhouse is there..
jfjfjasfjasfjasfdjadflkja;lfdjas;ljfdsd;j
Eric has asked me to leave this in, as this is what I was doing when they show us the replay of what happened at 9:00
“So did they mess up Vince’s Umaga music cue.” – Mike
“No.. the sound editors didn’t care either.” – Me
In the back Coach is talking with Kenny when he’s interrupted by the Great Khali.
He tries to talk…
“Ding fries are done.” – Hernandez
“We should get Chewbacca to translate.” – Eric
Ron Simmons interrupts, watching that. They stare as Khali walks away.. looking up.. the obvious ‘Damn’. Always good.
We get the reveal on Ashley’s Playboy entrance. Ok, she looks hot. Bunny boobies. That’s all I gotta say. Although her face looks waaay too airbrushed.
In the back Nitro and Melina kiss. Some other guy interviews her.
“Who the f*ck is that guy?” – Eric
“Where is Maria?” – Me
“Consoling Mickie James… imagine that for a moment.” – Hernandez
“…” – Me
Now the Hall of Fame Induction:
Dusty Rhodes – 2007 & Mr. Fucking Perfect!
We get a Perfect Montage.. him catching his own football. The pencil flip. The gum shot. Homerun. Horseshoes. Diving. The putt. And the Perfectplex.
They give us a decent showing with Larry Henning, Ric Flair, and Edge talking about him. Hernandez and I mark when we see the Genius. Fantastic.
Now in a complete shift… here comes Cena.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:41
Wrestlemania Recall: Wrestlemania 1
NEXT WEEK: CENA & MICHAELS vs. RATED RKO
Here comes Orton. Hey!
Oh.. and Cena too!
RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA
Is this for the title?
No it isn’t
Lock-up to start. They fight to the corner and Cena breaks it up. Right back into it back and forth into the corner.
Orton gets ahead of the game, but gets reversed into the ropes. Eats a boot and a fisherman suplex for two. They get up to their feet and Orton pokes his eye. Stompies Stompies.
Cena hits a sitdown hiptoss. Elbow for two. Cena hits a couple clotheslines, but on the third he eats one from Orton. Orton again gets thrown to the ropes and a double rope bulldog ala Jericho.
“HE’S GONNA DO THE WORM!” – Mike
Cena ducks a clothesline – but no.. a bad double clothesline.
Orton bails and grabs a chair. Cena fights to the second rope as the ref blocks Orton from hitting Cena… Ooooo..
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51
We’re back and Orton has Cena in a headlock. Fights out of it and goes for the shouldertackle, but Orton drops. Kinda funny really.
Orton now hits a top rope DDT… for two. He now punches the hell out of Cena in the corner. Kneedrop. Garvin Stomp!
Jumping kneedrop for two.
Right back to the chinlock. Cena fights out after a long five minutes. Cheapshot. Annnnnd Randy throws a few punches.
Cena begins to rap up!?!? He no sells the punches!? He hits a couple clotheslines. The shouldertackle. The blue thunder. You can’t see me… Fist drop. Salute. FUUUuuuu-NO!
Orton eyegouges and hits a dropkick. Now Orton climbs up to the top. Flying crossbody, rolled over for the pin from Cena.. TWO!?!?! OH MY FUCKING GOD!?!?!?
..this is all sarcasm…
Randy now hits the v3. Then sets up for the RKO… Denied! John sets up the FU. Here comes Edge. Whooptyf*ck.
Edge brings the chairs for the conchairto.. and here comes Shawn to stop the entire affair.
He chairshots Edge and Orton out of the ring.. and then is face to face to Cena with the chair. WILL HE HIT HIM!?!? OH MY FUCKING GOD?!?!?!?
Shawn tosses the chair. Good guy Shawn mouths ‘Nothing is gonna happen to you’.
Cute lil faked out spot for the superkick, but we don’t get the payoff.
What does the Rabble think of this entire affair.
“Eh.” – Hernandez
“Wasn’t bad..” – Jeffrey
“It was alright..” – Mike
“*Downward Spirally noise*” – Eric
“It was ok.” – Sarah
“Why Garbanzo?” – Jen
And yeah, show started eh.. and went downhill from there. We don’t know why either.
Thanks kids! And the final word from the Insyders?
“Well, I think we made Hatton’s job a little easier this week due to him not having to go through 5 pages.” – Insyder Soak1313
“Yeah but he also had to sit through Raw with out the benefit of us being assholes. So it is a push/pull.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
