Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
It’s Oscar week here at Popcorn Junkies. I guess it is in the rest of the world as well, but I can’t authoritatively speak about the real world.
At any rate, I am told that I have to cover this thing as the Academy Awards show is “like our Wrestlemania” only nobody gets hit with chairs.
Usually.
I wouldn’t put it past those dames Dench and Mirren.
The 2007 Academy Awards
All right, on to the awards proper.
Visual Effects:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns
It’s an award for the little people AKA the crew. They give these out to the popular flicks to appease the masses. The damn Pirate movie more money than the other two films put together. It’ll win. It’s the illusion of populism!
Live Action Short Film:
Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)
Eramos Pocos
Helmer & Son
The Saviour
West Bank Story
Yeah, Oscars! They give out awards to films which the average person gets no chance to see. Seriously, where does one go to see a short film aside from the rare short film festival? I’m going to say Eramos Pocos wins because it has the most appealing title. I believe it translates to “We Are Little Ones.”
But I believe wrong. It means, “We were few.” (Thank you Christian, for the correction. I should’ve known better.)
Animated Short Film
The Danish Poet
Lifted
The Little Matchgirl
Maestro
No Time for Nuts
I’ve seen No Time for Nuts. It wasn’t very good. The random-tron 5000 picks The Little Matchgirl. It sounds like a winner, right?
Makeup
Apocalypto
Click
Pan’s Labyrinth
We’ve got a crazy man’s movie, an Adam Sandler movie, and a respectable foreign film by the guy that made Blade II. I’ve got to go with Pan here.
Documentary (short subject)
The Blood of Yingzhou District
Recycled Life
Rehearsing a Dream
Two Hands
I’ve nearly lost my ability to pretend to care. Hollywood is full of lefties. Lefties like recycling. Hence my first instinct is Recycled Life. But the first one has “blood” in the title. It sounds more important.
Film Editing
Babel
Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
United 93
Let’s see here. Let’s get in the mind of the Academy voters. Let’s say that they pick United 93 to honor 9/11 or some such nonsense. In reality, this award should go to much shorter films.
Documentary Feature
Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq in Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country
Al Gore’s power point shit is going to win for two reasons. Reason 1 is that I hate him. The Academy like to make me suffer. Reason 2 is that the recent trend is to give the Best Doc Oscar to the one that made the most money. (How else can one explain that f*cking Penguins movie winning last year? It wasn’t even one of the five best Docs that year. Murderball was much better. Street Fight was far superior. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room kicks penguin ass. Grizzly Man and The Aristocrats were flawed films, but still remarkably better than Penguins. Neither of those films was even nominated. Stupid f*cking category.
Costume:
Curse of the Golden Flower
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Marie Antoinette
The Queen
I’d like to take this opportunity to say that, so far, of all the nominees, I have seen Superman, Pirates, and Nuts. I feel that this makes me a disinterested party, and thus able to make better predictions for y’all out there on the infotainment superhighway. But still, I need to rely on my random-tron. The random-tron 5000 says Marie Antoinette.
Original Song:
“I Need to Wake Up” from An Inconvenient Truth, Melissa Etheridge
“Listen” from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
“Love You I Do” from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
“Our Town” from Cars, Randy Newman
“Patience” from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger and Willie Reale.
Three nominations for one film in any category is excessive. Couldn’t you give Jack Johnson a nom for “Upside Down” from Curious George? As such, I say f*ck Dreamgirls and give Newman the little gold man.
Original Score:
Babel , Gustavo Santaolalla
The Good German , Thomas Newman
Notes on a Scandal , Philip Glass
Pan’s Labyrinth , Javier Navarrete
The Queen , Alexandre Desplat.
Where did I leave that random-tron? The random-tron says “give it to Glass.” I say, “Glass is a motherf*cker.” That should make it a lock, right?
Sound Editing:
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Flags of Our Fathers
Letters From Iwo Jima
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
So the story here, as I understand it, is that the Apocalypto guy has lost this award a dozen times. It was a fluff piece on a bunch of shows. Let’s give the award to Flags of our Fathers to keep the losing streak going.
Loser.
Sound Mixing:
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Dreamgirls
Flags of Our Fathers
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Or wait … was that guy a sound editor or a mixer? Fuck it. Let’s say Dreamgirls. It’s got to win a couple of awards, right?
Cinematography
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Prestige
Random-tron says Pan.
Art Direction:
Dreamgirls
The Good Shepherd
Pan’s Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The Prestige
Well, let’s split the magician vote, and give another award to Pan. I want as many awards as possible to go to the movie made by the guy that directed Mimic.
Animated Feature Film:
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House
No Flushed Away? I think Cars should win, so that means that Happy Feet will. Fucking penguins. I hate those stout tuxedoed cocksuckers, so goddamn much.
Original Screenplay:
Guillermo Arriaga, Babel
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, Letters From Iwo Jima
Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine
Guillermo del Toro, Pan’s Labyrinth
Peter Morgan, The Queen
They’ll give it to Sunshine. The script isn’t very good, but it’ll make the voters feel like they’re supporting Independent Films. You know, because it stars all those unknowns. It is also against modern Academy Award policy to give this award to an actual good script.
Adapted Screenplay:
Sacha Baron Cohen and Anthony Hines and Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Alfonso Cuaron and Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, Children of Men
William Monahan, The Departed
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, Little Children;
Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal
All right, let’s eliminate Borat and Children of Men right away, too many names. That leaves us with two little films and one big film. The Departed wins.
Foreign Language Film:
After the Wedding
Days of Glory (Indigenes)
The Lives of Others
Pan’s Labyrinth
Water
Again,” the director of Mimic.”
Directing
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93
I think Inarritu is lousy. Because of this I leave the tilde and accent marks out of his name. Take umbrage, you son of a whore! I want back that time I spent watching 21 grams. Fuck you Alejandro. Scorsese, you are among the 5 greatest directors working today, if today were 1980. Frears, the highlight of your career is High Fidelity, a film which is mostly highly over-rated. Greengrass, you make Matt Damon spy movies; that should be punishment enough for you.
As for you Clint, well, you are one of the few people working that knows how to make movies. Take your statue, and make a speech full of expressions that jazz musician used to use in the 1940s.
Supporting Actress:
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel
Hudson has all the momentum and should win in a squash match worthy of Umaga vs. an ECW Original. The real question here is how Breslin survives the nomination. Does she go the Anna Paquin route (visible flicks, unremarkable performances), the Tatum O’neal route (nuff said), or the Keisha Castle Hughes route (back to obscurity)? What’s the over/under that she does a strip tease to “Superfreak” by 2020? Once an ecdysiast, always an ecdysiast.
Supporting Actor:
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine;
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children;
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond;
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls;
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed
Say it with me now, “Oscar winner, Marky Mark.” Makes chills run down my spine.
Actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children
Streep’s is a supporting role, Cruz is usually lousy, Dench is filler, Winslet is the new Dench, Helen Mirren wins. It’ll be a nice change of pace from the movie stars to whom they normally give the award.
You should’ve known Oscar voters: If you give Halle an Oscar, she’s just going to go out and make Gothika (or Catwoman).
Feel free to fill in that mantra with other recent winners substituting the subsequent films with Aeon Flux, Mona Lisa Smile, The Core, etc. as needed.
Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Last year a pudgy guy won Best Actor. Year before that, a black guy won. It makes sense that the pudgy black guy wins this year. Whitaker, you the bomb in Species, yo!
Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen
I’d rather stab myself in the genitals than see Babel. I just want to say that thing. Mind you, this is no exaggeration. Were I given the choice right now, I would take a pair of scissors, open it, and give myself the old Prince Albert.
Anyways, The Departed wins for Picture while Scorsese loses for Director. Irony is a harsh mistress with cold hands and an inability to walk in heels.
