If I Were Still In High School Mix Tape: Part 1

Columns

When the radio is on I still listen to my alternative music station. Alas, there is a distance growing between the new music being played and I. With a simple, “What the hell is this,” and a turn of the knob to NPR, we grow apart. Nevertheless, I stick by because they often play music that I loved while I was in high school. This clever mix of yesterday’s favorites and today’s hits got me to thinking.

In high school I made mix tapes for people, believing myself to have unique musical tastes. I was daydreaming what kind of a mix tape I would make today if I were still an immature high school student awkwardly letting a girl know I had a crush on her through another man’s musical mouth.

Step one of this process was to remember what, exactly, I put on a mix tape while I was in high school. Lucky for me, I am marrying the girl for whom I made mix tapes. She did indeed have the tapes I made her and she was more than willing to hand them over. In this section of the article we review that tape and try to figure out what the hell I was thinking. I challenge you to find another person with a playlist that includes Nick Cave and Weird Al.

SIDE ONE

Track 1: The Aquabats – “Red Sweater”
“You’re my girl, I’m your man, I don’t care if you live in a garbage can…” These are very romantic lyrics as crooned to us by MC Bat Commander of this California ska band.

Track 2: Brak (From Space Ghost: Coast to Coast) – “I Love You Baby”
Brak once tickled me to death with his goofy non-sequiturs. See, the trick I pulled here was by out-and-out telling her that I loved her, but disguising it as a poor attempt at humor.

Track 3: Weird Al – “The Good Old Days”
Every boy goes through a “Weird Al” phase. Mine stopped at Poodle Hat—I was a late bloomer. And this, one of his most disturbing songs, isn’t the one to put on a mix tape for a girl. Stay safe with “Eat It” or “Another One Rides The Bus”. Never, under any circumstance, put “Fat” on the tape.

Track 4: Collin Raye – “The Time Machine”
A country song about a man who finds a magical bar stool that takes him back in time to be with the love he lost. It is sort of a romanticized excuse for alcoholism. But then again, what country song isn’t?

Track 5: Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Breaking The Girl”
Finally a good song… Sadly, it is about forcing a girl to love you.

Track 6: The Commitments – “Treat Her Right”
Great movie, great song. No regrets here.

Track 7: Eddie Murphy – Ice Cream Man Sketch
Every high school male sees Eddie Murphy Raw and his life is changed forever. Then again, putting on a mix tape for a girl he is infatuated with is really, really stupid.

Track 8: Five Iron Frenzy – Oh, Canada
Ah, Christian ska. In all fairness, Five Iron Frenzy did push pretty deep into the secular ska scene, for what that’s worth. This is a wonderful song about the joys of our cousins to the north.

Track 9: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – “Where the Wild Roses Grow”
There is no better way to woo a true love than with a song about luring a girl to the rose garden and beating her to death. Trust me on this one guys.

Track 10: Ghoti Hook – “Just What I Needed”
I never heard this song before. How it got on here is your own guess. Not a bad cover but still, I swear I’ve never heard it before.

Track 11: Five Iron Frenzy – “There Are Not My Pants” (Rock Opera Selected Tracks)
I swear to god the same girl I made this tape for is taking my hand in matrimony. I don’t understand it either. It may be a mistake to start asking questions about it.

Track 12: Air Supply – “The One That You Love”
WOW! I really hope there was an ironic twist behind this. Neither of us remembers what the joke may have been. Still, I sing this while showering in the morning and cry every time.

Track 13: Soft Cell – “Tainted Love”
Okay! Now we got something here. It is a great song and fun to sing along to. That is until I realized that I recorded this off of the Coneheads movie soundtrack.

Track 14: Presidents of the United States of America – “Lump”
This album is in my top 5 of all time and I’ll knife-fight anyone who argues me on that point.

Track 15: The W’s – “Average Day”
There is something to be said for Christian punk. It was fun. Most didn’t preach at all, it was just a belief system that never really came up in their songs. Every song didn’t have to do with drinking, the man, or a parents’ divorce like most secular punk songs. There were songs about Taco Bell, having a good day, sumo wrestlers, etc…

END OF SIDE ONE—I PRAY THERE ISN’T A SIDE TWO

THERE IS.

CRAP.

SIDE TWO

Track 1: Fear of Pop – “In Love”
When Ben Folds left the “Five” he released this album. It is amazing. This track, a spoken word by William Shatner, talks of falling in and out of love as a chauvinistic pig. I strongly suggest you get this album if you like Ben Folds or even Shatner’s album from two years ago.

Track 2: Massivivid – “Drop”
I don’t know who, why, or what this song is. It must have been filler. A few lyrics: “I never saw my shadow until I saw the light/ But now I need more light until I drown it out.” I had to search those lyrics and luckily some angsty teen with a lime green AOL webpage used it as a quote to describe his depression or something. I don’t know who Massivid is. Perhaps a local high school band that was passing their tape out in the hall for free.

Track 3: Ghoti Hook – “Sumo Surprise”
Christian mosh pits were kind of a joke though. It was more of a giant dry hump orgy. Get a bunch of teens that pledged abstinence together in a tight space and an excuse to rub up against one another… yeah.

Track 4: Luigi Creatore – “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
I love The Sandlot

Track 5: Rednex – “Cotton-Eyed Joe”
Remember that song? Everyone in the room would jump around like jackasses for five minutes until they realized how much the song sucks. I’m still jumping around like a jackass.

Track 6: Don’t Know – “Josh’s Ditty”
The name of the band is “Don’t Know” and don’t look for them—you won’t find them. This is a 3-minute banjo solo.

Track 7: Eddie Murphy – Drunk Father Bit
If you think that five minutes of someone rapidity yelling “Mother-Fucker” won’t win a woman’s heart then you need only look to this tape.

END SIDE TWO.

Next week I return with Part 2 and a new track list were I attempt to make a new mix tape for my beloved. I hope to learn from the catastrophe made in the previous cassette and record a legitimately first-class mix tape.