No time for a real intro, no material for a real intro. Had a busy Wednesday, finally getting an MRI on my shitty knees. Now I have to go back on Thursday to get a more detailed MRI, plus I’ve got an appointment with my shrink in the afternoon. Sleep? What’s that? So it’s directly on to the shows…
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Match Results
Special Guest FudgePacker Mister Sodomy over Sabu, Money In The Bank Qualifying Extreme Rules Match (Pinfall, DDT on to table): Oh, how fun would it be to have had Sabu in MITB? Talk about someone who’d be in his element. No, he wouldn’t have won, but there would have been about a 50/50 chance of him killing himself during the match. Look, saying that is the equivalent of admitting that you watch NASCAR for the crashes or hockey for the fights. It’s perfectly acceptable, moreso considering that this is wrestling. But instead of that, we get f*cking FudgePacker, who now has to be regarded as one of the favorites considering his level of push. I think I’ll be practicing my projectile vomiting for Wrestlemania night if that circumstance comes through.
What’s really impressive is the throw triple toe loop they do out of this position
Balls Mahoney over Matt Striker (DQ, Snitsky-ference): Too short to be of any significance, but you have to wonder if Balls was pulling out the stops in what little action was available to him to prove that he still deserves a job. Or he could be trying to suck up to High-Quality Speaker Boy, which would also have the effect of proving he still deserves a job. Either way, though, it’s nice to have Balls around. Now if he’d only learn to bathe frequently…
When I think “Balls in the air”, this usually isn’t what comes to mind
Kevin Fertig and Monty Brown over Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, Fertig pins Van Dam, Dark Kiss): Here’s the current list of names and titles that, should you use them in print, mark you as a complete and total f*cking retard:
Marcus Cor Von
King Booker
Wrestlemania X-7
Wrestlemania X-8
Stone Cold
The Rock when referring to the face Duane Johnson character. It’s only acceptable for the heel character.
Any initials, except for DX (because no one’s sure whether or not the “g” after the dash should be capitalized). That’s just plain lazy.
The cognomen “Mister” except when followed by the names McMahon, Finlay, or Regal
Voodoo Kin Mafia or the current names of its members
The Austin Starr
and any others that I might choose to put on at any time.
This includes staff members here. Yes, that means you, Clark.
A stake would be more effective
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Stevie Richards (Pinfall, knee to face): Well, I have to admit that this was Stevie’s best match in years. By the way, given recent events, has Stevie officially replaced Bob Holly at the top of the “How Do They Stay Employed By WWE?” list? Until earlier this week, Test was a contender, but now that’s over (as is our long national nightmare). Stevie has to be at the top, doesn’t he?
Please note that there is no contact between Punk and Richards, yet Stevie still goes through with the arm-drag anyway
Bobby Lashley over Bob Holly, ECW World Title Steel Cage Time Limit Match (Pinfall, running powerslam): Strangely enough, even with the Jamalga guest appearance, this didn’t feel overbooked. Maybe it was the time limit. There was some kind of dilation effect that compressed the crap into such a small space that it wasn’t noticeable, a microsingulatiry of shit booking, if you weeeeel. Anyway, it didn’t feel wrong, so I have nothing to complain about.
Maybe if everyone hadn’t been distracted by Jamalga’s entrance, the significance of Holly nailing a superplex on Lashley would have been noted
Angle Developments
Gratuitous Tits For Slayer:
THE WSX SHORT FORM
What sucks about WSX is that no one’s doing caps for the major wrestling torrent sites in normal formats. I was forced to download a DVD version, which causes problems since I don’t have the fine control over videos for screen caps that I’m used to. Oh, well, I have to live with it. You wanted WSX, you got it.
Match Results
Matt Sydal over Scorpio Sky (Pinfall, belly-to-belly moonsault): I’ve been high on Sydal ever since I saw him at an ROH show last year tagging up with Daniels against Aries and Strong, and he was able to keep up with all of them. That impressed me to no end. Seeing him again is a nice treat. Lizzy Valentine, I’m also high on. She seems to be what you’d get if you combined the Beulah from ten years ago with the Francine from ten years ago, a heel manager who’s a lot more subtle than, say, Lacey (although she’s very, very good at what she does, don’t get me wrong), but has the knockout looks that provide perfect enhancement for her charge. Scorpio Sky…ooh, if you’re a black guy in wrestling and you use the name “Scorpio”, you’d better have the chops to back it up (and the penis as well). The kid’s not there yet, but that hands-free tope shows that he’s getting there. I’m impressed, but I need more information on the penis thing to make a clearer judgment.
I love Sydal’s dropkicks. They’re honestly some of the best in the business right now.
Baby Slim and Ruckus over Disco Machine and Joey Ryan (Pinfall, Slim pins Ryan, Ruckus somersault Van Daminator off ladder): Nice cutaway from showing the disco ball breaking over Ryan’s head, production team. Fucking brilliant. Could you make it more obvious next time, like cutting away to a still of Britney’s bald head or something? And as for the announcers…could someone tell me if blatant homophobia is in among the 18-24 Males these days? I haven’t kept up with that.
As for the match, well, it was a train wreck in a good way. Keepin’ It Gangsta is the X Division version of Cryme Time with lesser promo skills but better wrestling skills. They can go a long way despite the dubious gimmick. Joey Ryan’s got potential too. If he ditches the stupid gimmick and gets in with TNA, he could be the Zeroes version of Rick Rude that TNA wanted Bobby Roode to be at one time. He’s got the unique look and is well on his way to the sculpted body. So there’s potential all around here. It just won’t be actualized on this show.
Ruckus just wants to shine his boots up with the baby oil on Ryan’s body
Angle Developments
One Word: Shampoo: What really annoys me about this show is the constant cutaways to the announce team. I had enough of shaggy-looking twentysomething nerds when I had to review that piece of shit film The Puffy Chair. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not the target audience for this show. But, goddamn, guys, get familiar with soap and laundry detergent, okay?
I Am The God Of Hellfire: The oh-so-controversial fireball was nothing special, and the editing job was such a botch that I didn’t even bother to do a screen cap. The show was put off a week for this?
Shirley Shirley Bo Birley: I love a guy calling himself “El Hombre Blanco El Mascarado”. Maybe I should start billing myself as “El Hombre Polack El Bipolar y Diabetic”. It’s got a certain je ne se quoi.
Be back when I have time to do Impact. Until then, ta.
