MGF Presents The SMonday Swindle Sheet #147

Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.

The past week was a bit slow on the music news front, with one of our top stories being used for The Most Ridiculous Item of [Last] Week. I also happened upon this, which is certainly worth sharing. It starts getting interesting about halfway in.

OPENING SHOT…


Wait a minute… I’m still alive?!!?!

OPENING SHOT II…


Come on, Widro… at least pick some advertisers with an IQ above room temperature.

BLURBS OF THE WEEK

R&B singer Kelis was arrested on Thursday night and charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest, after she flipped out on some undercover cops posing as hookers in Miami Beach, Fla. She had been out partying with her friends in the South Beach nightclub district, and started shouting obscenities and racial slurs at the officers (their gender was not specified… it is South Beach) before starting to charge towards them. Some of her friends were able to restrain her, as, according to witnesses, “people walking by [stopped to] form a crowd. … The sidewalk was blocked by the disturbance causing people to walk in the street and cause traffic to stop.” She backed off momentarily, but after she started to charge the officers again, other officers on the scene rushed in to arrest her. According to local police, when being handcuffed, Kelis struggled and tried to escape, which resulted in the charge for resisting arrest without violence. Now Kelis, we all know that you have an image to uphold, but there’s a thin line between being “bossy” and “an asshole” that one must be mindful not to cross.

Since moving to Las Vegas from Ireland, Michael Jackson has been approached by several casinos looking to feature him as an musical attraction. “Mr. Jackson has been presented numerous proposals—proposals which he has not solicited, but were presented to him, several of which include performing in Las Vegas,” Raymone K. Bain, his spokeswoman, told reporters last Tuesday. “Mr. Jackson is currently reviewing and evaluating each proposal. He does not believe that he is under any time constraint for making his decisions.” The press release was given to media outlets to dispel rumors that Jacko had been searching for a casino to perform at, along with rumors that he might be featured on an upcoming episode of American Idol. “Mr. Jackson did not move to Las Vegas to shop a Vegas show… [he] is in Las Vegas because he likes the city and found it a convenient location to record with the artists, songwriters and producers who are working with him in the studio. He also likes how tolerant the local authorities are of activities including (but not limited to) curling up into a fetal position inside of a cardboard castle while having a 12-year-old boy urinate on one’s face as a naked Verne Troyer throws peeled grapes at one’s buttocks.”

Singer/actor Jared Leto’s nose was broken, and his foot and face were injured when he jumped down into the crowd during a 30 Seconds to Mars performance in El Paso, Texas. Good.

Singer/television host Charlotte Church recently announced via her Web site that she is pregnant, with the father being her boyfriend, Welsh International Rugby Union player Gavin Henson. Yeah, he sure is a player, all right. I know it’s been almost five years since the end of my long record store career, but I had no idea… for whatever reason I was convinced that she’s been 12 since 1998, like a Simpsons character or something. But good lord was I wrong… somehow over the course of those years she’s gone from this to this… and this. “In an ideal world, we would not have made this announcement so early in the pregnancy,” Church told a reporter for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “and I would have remembered to take that bloody pill.”

A judge reduced a gag order on Corey “C-Murder” Miller on Thursday, related to murder charges that say he shot a 16-year-old to death in 2002. While he still can’t say anything about the ongoing trial, he can promote his new album and novel while living at his grandmother’s house until his next court date. So, in other words, until his next court date, he’ll have to live like most unsigned rappers do.

Rock band Stavesacre recently announced in an OFFICIAL statement that they are breaking up: “[The band] as we know it is done. There is no tragic Behind the Music story. We all love each other, and you, as much as we ever have. We just feel that after an incredible 11-year run, it is time to close this particular chapter in our rock and roll journey. And for all of you who were worried about us, we’d like to assure the three of you that we’ll probably be okay once Target starts hiring for the summer again.”

Nicole Duncan-Smith, who grew up on rap and has worked in the hip-hop industry for years, recently told reporters, as part of an Associated Press report on the growing minstrelization of rap music, that “I’m not removed from it, but I can’t really tell the difference between Young Jeezy and Yung Joc. It’s the same dumb stuff to me.” Now, that’s not necessarily fair—see, Young Jeezy is shitty Southern rapper who acts like he’s big shit but isn’t, while Yung Joc is a… okay, you’re right.

The Arctic Monkeys were the big winners at the NME Music Awards last Thursday, picking up trophies for Best Album, for Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not, and Best Music DVD, for Scummy Man. Muse won for Best British Band, while The Killers won Best Video, for “Bones”, and My Chemical Romance won Best International Band. Fuck My Chemical Romance. Someone tried to spam everyone that had posted anything on the on the site in the past two weeks, asking us to promote that piece of shit band, and I just could not do it. I apologize to that marketing person if you’re reading, but I could not in good conscience say anything good about them after insisting that they suck since 2002, which they do and always have. Scott Keith likes My Chemical Romance, so maybe Shawn or Gloomy will let him do a rant on them on one of the other sites. You heard it here first.

Cheers
-JF2k7!