I GOT NOTHIN
LET’S JUST GET TO IT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
We don’t know who is showing up tonight. We don’t know what’s going to happen.. all we know is that it’s going to be another night here at O’Brien’s Tavern in South Bound Brook. Can you feel the excitement? It’s dripping out of every word. This is all a lie.
Here’s our Rabbletier’s tonight:
JEFFREY – He appeared tonight!
MIKE – He showed up too!
BILL – Hey look.. Bill!
HERNANDEZ – The Spanish Contingent!
JENNA – A girl!
ERIC – A man, a plan, a canal, Eric!
SIMON – Our other foreign friend!
And your host who has to show up, or this would never get typed – Me, James Hatton.
Also, as always, when they decide to show up… the Insyders!
Shawn’s here! So’s Cena! They have tag titles. Shawn wishes Cena good luck tonight in his match versus Edge. Cena starts to get uppity at Shawn about stabbing people in the back. Cena then wishes Shawn good luck versus Orton.
They rub each other’s back for a bit… I mean that more spiritually than literally.
“If this was the Monday Night Wars, I’d be watching a cruiserweight match right now.” – Mike
They decide they don’t need each other’s help. Here hits Shawn’s music.
HEY LOOK! IT’S SHAWN!
HEY! IT’S ORTON! He’s got Edge with him.
“HEY!” – Me
“There’s nothing you can say!” – Bill
SHAWN vs. ORTON
Opener?
Shawn hits with a swinging neckbreaker right out of the gate. Some chops and throws Randy to the ropes – back body drop and then a clothesline over the top.
Michaels goes to the ropes and hiptosses Orton over the top rope. Shawn then throws him corner to corner, but second time eats a boot… and now it’s Orton beatdowns.
Throws Orton to the corner and punches him down. Chopfest for a bit and then Orton is HURLED over the top rope. Or did Edge pull the top rope.. I don’t know, I was putting ketchup on my burger.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:13
“Besides the lost feed, since when do we get a commercial so early into the damn show?” – Insyder CaptainGoren
“It’s Vince’s latest genuis idea. Make money while the “superstars” walk to the ring.” – Insyder Dr Cox
We’re back and Shawn gets hurled to the ropes, dropped and put into a boston crab… closer to a Walls really… Shawn crawls forward slowwwwly. Finally gets them. Randy picks him up to throw him in the ropes.. Shawn reverses it into a sleeper. Orton picks him up.. Shawn drops it into a pin for two.
Shawn gets thrown to the ropes, but slides out to face against Edge. As he’s climbing in, he eats the 2nd rope balanced DDT from Orton.
“Orton should do a Bronco Buster on Michaels.” – Mike
“Eww.” – Me
Couple pin attempts get two.
“Normally that works, but Randy Orton did it.” – Bill
Orton goes right into the chinlock spot.
“Chinlock spot… shocker.” – Me
“Randy Orton is braiding the hair of Shawn Michaels” – Bill
Shawn fights out of it. Back suplex from Shawn. Both are down… counting them both out…. wait for it…..Not yet!
Shawn gets to his feet – hits the flying elbow.
“Flying Burrito!” – Mike
Nip Up – Atomic Drop – Bodyslam – Top Turnbuckle – Elbow – Here comes the band!
J – E – S – U – S – KICK – CAUGHT – PUSH – REF BUMP!
Randy clotheslines and pins… NO REF! OOOOOoooo Controversy!
Edge is about to throw in the belt, but THE REF CATCHES IT!? Nice! Ref and Randy argue, Shawn rolls up for the win!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS!
Edge & Orton set up the chair and the RKO to Shawn as Cena runs on down.
“Cena running down from the bathroom!” – Hernandez
Clear spot by Cena and that leaves Edge-KO at the top of the key…
Tonight we’re going to find out who the guest ref is going to be..
“Hardcore Holly” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Hey Mick Foley talking about his new book….
Now we get a recap of the cage spot with Lashley & Umaga on ECW…
In the back, Vince, Armando, and Coach are talking about Umaga.. Vince wants to know what Umaga is going to do to Jeff Hardy tonight.
Coach discusses with Vince that he seems a bit stressed tonight.
“Why don’t you take your time.. go and get an asschel..” – Bill
“There is a time and a place to mention the asschel..” – Hernandez
Vince now discusses who the guest ref should be.. someone who takes matters into their own hands.. they are independent.. someone like Shane!
Now though, here comes Jeff for the IC Title.
JEFF vs. UMAGA
Insanity.. a rematch!
“I once did the Jeff Hardy dance. I really don’t want to go into it any further than that.” – Insyder Dr. Cox
“So did I, but much better.” – Insyder Jordan Sullivan Cox
Here comes Umaga, steps down and pulls the mat away to reveal some concrete. Bell rings and here we go.
Jeff tries to skirt around Umaga, and he gets caught and tossed into the corner. Jeff gets a shot off and Umaga bails, but then two through the rope dropkicks and then a flying leap to the outside.
Umaga charges Jeff on the outside, and Umaga slams his knee into the rope. Jeff runs the ring to clothesline Umaga. They bail back in and he eats a couple more dropkicks, but finally drops Jeff…. stomps the hell out of Jeff.
“Why is Umaga facing Jeff and not somebody huge?” – Dani
“He’s a former IC champion” – Me
“But he’s still Jeff Hardy” – Dani
Back to their feet, Jeff hits the ropes and a clothesline stuns Umaga. Another hit of the ropes and he eats a shot to the throat. Down goes Jeff. Umaga now sets Jeff in the Tree of Woe.
“Woah..” – Me & Mike
“The Tree of Joey Lawrence” – Bill
Flying headbutt and the set up for the assbounce.
“What’s he gonna do.. run at him really fast!??!” – Bill
He runs at him really fast. Boing. Now sets up his thumb. Annnnnnd – Thumb of Death.
WINNER: UMAGA
“What did Jeff do to piss off Vince?” – Eric
“Fishnets.” – Hernandez
“Linda.” – Me
We now get a Lashley-Rewind!?
“They should have Brutus come down to cut their hair.” – Mike
“Just for that spot.” – Hernandez
“Hogan needs the same as the highest paid wrestler during any given show… Brutus needs whatever the lowest paid guy is.” – Me
“He needs tolls.” – Hernandez
“Three hots & a cot?” – Me
“A hotel room WOULD be nice.” – Dani
“That’s the cot.” – Me
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:43
In the back.. Melina is doing kneelifts … and her boobs aren’t moving. Gross.
Now Todd is in the back talking to Carlito and Ric Flair.
“Where’s Maria?” – Me
“On her knees. CM Punk.” – Hernandez
“*shakes his head sadly*” – Me
Tonight Carlito faces Ric Flair for the Money In The Bank spot. Ric wants it so he can become the 17-Time Champ!
Ric Flair then babbles.
“Two men go into the ring, only one is gonna leave!” – Ric
“Two men enter – One man leave!” – Me
Vince in the back is talking to Shane…
“So what’s the news?” – Vince
“He’s on west coast time.. he hasn’t seen the show yet.” – Eric
He’s on his way it seems.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:50
“Oh god, thank god I’m back in from my cigarette in time for this..”
HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN – MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE
Cigarette spot?
“Look who’s freshly juiced.” – Hernandez
It gets locked in.
Hacksaw loses.
WINNER: Lame
“Who is that guy?” – Dani
“Chris Masters.” – Me
“The other guy…” – Dani
“You don’t know Hacksaw Jim Duggan, he could have been a janitor at your school…” – Hernandez
And next – Vince.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:57
In the back Shawn and Cena argue, but their mics don’t work.
When the mics are back, Shawn is apparently angry.
Here comes Vince.
“Do they bring out that barberpole whenever Vince comes out?” – Eric
“No, it’s a recap of Edge vs. Kurt.” – Hernandez
“Still milking Kurt.” – Mike
So Vince gets into the ring and he wants us to know what happens next week. A contract signing between Trump and Vince.
Vince is going to give him a Billionare Bitchslap!
“whu-whu-whu-WHAT?!!” – Hernandez
Hey here comes Bischoff!? He’s back.. and better than ever!
“He said he didn’t want to do this..” – Hernandez
“Then he saw the paycheck” – Me
Vince asks what he is doing here.
“Creating Cash.” – Bill
Bischoff informs us he’s not the special guest referee. He’s just here because he lives in Phoenix.
“Cheap pop!” – Me
“Remember you threw me away in a garbage truck?” – Bischoff
“But he came back.” – Mike
“Better than ever!” – Me
“..point.” – Mike
So now Bischoff leaves… that was useless.
Anyway, here comes the ref!!! MICK FUCKING FOLEY!? He’s wearing his patented ref shirt! Yay Foley!
“He’s wearing a Stone Cold shirt underneath” – Mike
Vince wants to thank the board members for picking such a wise choice. Vince wants to know how the kids are.
“Isn’t it ironic Vince..” – Mick
“Doncha think” – Mike
“..that a few months ago you had me kissing your ass, and here you are now – kissing mine.” – Mick
Vince asks if there is anything he can do for Mick.
Mick asks for his old job back. Vince says ‘Ok, you got your job back.’ Mick then shills his book and wants access to continue and shill it.
“Like I have been for the last two weeks” – Me
He then mentions how he slams on Vince a bit in the book. He also wants Vince to pay a fairly large roombill he left this weekend including some Christie Kanyon vids.
“Chris Kanyon?” – Me
“Christie.” – Hernandez
“Hemme?” – Bill
Vince then raises his hand as the special guest ref for Vince’s match. He then announces that he’s not the special ref for the Mania match, but the special guest ref between Charles Barkley and the Phoenix Gorilla at a friend of his resturant.
Enter the gorilla…
“It’s Rodney Mack! Say hello!” – Hernandez
The gorilla tries to shake Vince’s hand and Mick and the gorilla leave.
“Say it! Say it! Sparkling Wiggle!” – Hernandez
HERE COMES THE MONNEEYYYYY!!!!!!!
“DANCE BITCH!” – Eric
“I love Shane!” – Dani
“Shane not doing the Shane-O-Mac Shuffle makes me sad.” – Insyder DarkStar
Shane is coming down to the ring and doesn’t seem as thrilled as he should.
“If my mouth area smells like Stephanie.. ignore that..” – Me
“Awww incest?” – Bill
“No.. Triple H’s cock.” – Eric
Shane explains that the board voted… and they lost… who is it? As the crowd chants ‘3-16’ and Dani has begun grumping already.
Glass Shatters – There he is….
“Why do they keep bringing back that wifebeater?” – Dani
“MARK OUT LIKE A 4 YEAR OLD GIRL SEEING JEFF HARDY’S CHEST!” – Insyder CaptainGoren
“I think I just came. Don’t tell Triggs.” – Insyder Ellie
“That makes two of us!” – Insyder CaptainGoren
His new shirt kinda rocks: ‘Arrive – Raise Hell – Leave’
“I gotta new movie coming out” – Jeffrey
“What?” – Me
“I gotta new movie coming out” – Jeffrey
“What?” – Me
“I… I forgot..” – Jeffrey
“Fuck that wifebeater.” – Dani
“Everybody needs a hobby, Danielle” – Jeffrey
“You’re just upset that you are his hobby.” – Bill
“If he was beating brunettes, I wouldn’t care.” – Dani
Austin gets his magic beer summoning. He snubs Vince’s handshake. This lasts roughly eight minutes.
“Think he’s going to get any mic time?” – Jeffrey
Vince then gets a beer spray.
“Think he’ll wear shorts like Shawn did?” – Mike
“Bananasmugglers?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:16
A recap of what JUST HAPPENED! I f*cking hate those.
“He didn’t grab his ear!” – Hernandez
In the back Mick is talking with the gorilla. As they walk by… Ron Simmons is standing there.
“Oh my.. uncomfortable.” – Me
“I don’t get it..” – Simon
“DAMN!” – Ron
“Foley, Simmons, Austin, Bischoff, Shane-O, and Mickie. Greatest RAW in YEARS!” – Insyder CaptainGoren
Now – coming down to the ring.. Ashley!
She’s looking lovely… her tits are well… EVERYWHERE!
She’s here to announce for the women’s championship match.
Now though, here comes Mickie James! She’s looking lovely too.
“Oooooooooooo and Mickie has sexy “f*ck me” hair tonight too!” – Insyder CaptainGoren
“Why does Mickey have a giant bandaid on her shoulder?” Insyder Soak1313
“I missed…bad!” – Insyder CaptainGoren
Finally… Melina!
MICKIE JAMES vs. MELINA
Six breasts! Oh and falls count everywhere…
Melina is getting to the ring and Mickie James starts with a baseball slide and a pinfall outside the ring for two.
“All the beer!” – Bill
“IT’S COLD. IT’S COLD.” – Bill
“Does anyone think that kick by Mickie to Melena’s vag made it any looser? No, me either.” – Insyder Ellie
“Insyder Dr Jan Itor
Melina now bails to the back and Mickie fallows suit… Melina throws a garbage can at her and then Mickie grabs her and hurls her over a sewing table.
They have some beatdowns in the women’s locker room.
“Maria!” – Me
Mickie throws Melina over a table… Maria gets hurled around into the mix…
Now Victoria grabs Mickie! Melina kicks her and Torrie sprays Victoria with hairspray…. in runs Candice wearing a towel. Camera goes off… back on and Candice is not wearing a towel anymore….
“If Candice just came out the shower in a towel, why did she have heels on?” – Insyder CaptainGoren
“…and shorty shorts once the towel was ripped away” – Insyder Soak1313
“No one ever said the girl was smart.” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
Camera goes off AGAIN!
“Comes back on.. Golddust is standing there” – Me
“Stone Cold just entered the room” – Hernandez
“*SMACK!* Ahhhhhh – WHAT! *SMACK!* Ahhhh – WHAT!” – Me
“You are all women haters” – Dani
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:27
We’re back and they are rolling down the entranceway. Melina drags Mickie into the ring and headslams her down a few times. Mickie finally gets on top and headslams MELINA a few times. Hairpull throw. Mickie throws the fisherman suplex for a CLOSE two.
Shoulderchecks in the corner from Mickie. Melina climbs to the top and Mickie follows her up. Fistfight at the top. Mickie goes the rana…. Melina DROPS her! Hard. Melina follows up with a pin really fast… gets it.
WINNER: MELINA
Melina and Ashley have their moment outside the ring. Melina steals the belt from her… and they have a shove match.
“BARK LIKE A DOG” – Jeffrey
“They can’t even stand face to face” – Hernandez
“That’s because of their boobs” – Eric
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
Now it’s time for the Money In The Bank Challenge…
RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO
WOO!
Start of the match and Carlito drops Flair and goes for a pin. Two count.
Pushes Flair to the corner and kicks him a few times… then some chops from Flair. Back and forth they go. Carlito hurls Flair to the corner and eats a back body drop.
“Flair is looking darker than Carlito tonight.” – Hernandez
Ten punches from Carlito now in the corner. Flair though hits the lowblow.
“Right in the apples.” – Hernandez
Flair gets two for his pin attempt… right into the headlock. Carlito gets out of it and hits the rope and hits the second turnbuckle back elbow.
So now here comes Khali!? Flair lowblows Carlito while his back is turned…. and enter Khali!
Khali enters, beats on Flair. Beats on Carlito. Throws out Carlito. Chokeslams Flair.
Khali grabs a mic.
“IIIIII WAAAAANT CAAAAAAMEEEEE……” – Khali
“Translation: I want Kane” – Me
“Annnnnd back to the match” – Bill
“In a move even worse then the WBF and XFL combined…they gave Khali a mic.” – Insyder CaptainGoren
“He sounds like the drive thru at Burger King.” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
Well that was a lame ending.
Next: Who is joining the Hall of Fame?
“SAMOANS!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:47
HALL OF FAME TIME!
From Beverly Hills, CA – Nick Bockwinkel!
They talk to Ricky Steamboat – Lawler – Jim Brunzell!?
“Jumping Jim!” – Hernandez
Greatest AWA Champion of all time.
In the back now… Edge & Orton. Orton will NOT be out there helping Edge. He does NOT have his back.
Here comes Cena in the back.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:55
John Cena is heeeeeeeeeeeeere!
JOHN CENA vs. EDGE
Umm… coming down to the ring is MNM? Why?
“Nitro and Predator” – Bill
“I like their pants.. they’re shiny” – Mike
Now here comes Edge! Odd. He grabs a mic.
Edge doesn’t want to fight to night due to the fact that Johnny Nitro’s Great Great Grandfather was black… and Phoenix Arizona celebrates Martin Luther King Day… so… Umm…. I….. whaaaa… errr…
JOHN CENA vs. JOHNNY NITRO
No idea
So Nitro kicks the hell out of Nitro, beats him down in the corner. Tosses him to the corner, reversed from Cena – but Cena is then tossed to the outside…. beatdowns commense.
Nitro throws in Cena for the two count. Twice.
Nitro puts him in a headlock. Cena fights out of it. Kick to the gut. Couple big fists. Clothesline. Two. Shoulder tackle. Blue Thunder. You Can’t See Me. Cut & Paste Moveset.
“Pumpin the shoeeeessss” – Me & Bill
Hits the fist drop. FU! Lowblowed by Joey Mercury and the Snapshot from MNM. Beatdowns continue as Shawn runnnns onnn down!
Shawn stops at the ring apron. Watches on as MNM are still surrounding Cena. Shawn then finally turns his back and heads up the ramp! Stops again. Goes almost all the way up. Stops again! And NOW Shawn runs in to clear house.
“Cena heel turn!” – Bill
Shawn left in the ring again with Cena. Shawn now bails…
“Wonder if God approved of that..” – Mike
Now halfway up, Shawn stops. Shawn leaves and Cena is left in the ring all confused.
Expected.
So Rabblethoughts?
“Pretty good. I’m tired” – Bill
“I almost passed out.. then I got fingers in my ear. Edge appreciates black people” – Mike
“Cena vs. Nitro!? Nitro is black?” – Eric
“*shrug*” – Hernandez
“I’m really glad to see Mick Foley back” – Jeffrey
“Even if it’s just to shill endlessly?” – Eric
“Even if it’s just to shill endlessly.” – Jeffrey
“What was he doing before?” – Bill
“Shilling endlessly.” – Eric
“What part of Nitro is black?” – Simon
“I’m going to buy the Mick Foley book tomorrow… if you let me… will you let me buy the Mick FOley book tomorrow?” – Dani
“Sucked.” – Jenna
“Once again, I’m in the minority.. I liked tonight’s show.” – Me
“Vince has been training you.” – Eric
“Why am I drooling?” – Me
“You’ve been hanging around me too much” – Mike
“I was playing Command and Conquer Tiberian Sun…so I was completely unaware of anything.” – Insyder Chuckles
Well that’s tonight’s show! Thanks to the Rabbleites as well as all of the Insyders. Wanna be an Insyder – head over to the Inside Pulse Forums.
See you next week!
