The SmarK Rant for “ECW” December to Dismember

The SmarK Rant for “ECW” December To Dismember

Sigh.

– I GET MAIL! Sometimes.

“Mr. Keith:

Please don’t brag about recent ppv’s being offered so soon on 24/7. Basically you’re killing the business. The reason we have 24/7 is because those who could afford or wanted so bad to watch the live ppv’s bought them, supported the WWE, increasing the org’s finances so they could develop a 24/7. Don’t kill the business. Don’t discourage those who can afford or enjoy the trill of watching something live. I think consumers can figure out how to spend their finances privately.

I choose 24/7 because I’ll no longer the high school kid who used my school newspaper credentials to get into to Starrcade Flair for the Gold free because I couldn’t afford a ticket. Today, wrestling, at my age, is not that exciting anymore. But think about the high school kid reading your posts. Don’t kill the business for him.

Thanks.”

Sometimes I just don’t have the words.

Onto the PPV! Which I’m watching for free on a three-month delay because I subscribe to 24/7! Whoo, ECW!

Sigh.

Anything else in the mailbox I can waste time with before we start?

Hey, Cialis for cheap! That sounds more interesting than this show.

But I have a duty! I have to soldier on.

Sigh.

– Live from Augusta, GA

– Your hosts are Joey Styles & Tazz

MNM v. The Hardy Boyz

I wonder how much it was killing Tazz to talk about “Team Extreme” with regards to Matt and Jeff? Joey guarantees that it’s a one night only reunion, for both teams. Well, that’s good, because I know this is a company that lives up to stipulations and keeps its promises! Matt grabs a headlock on Mercury to start, and they do a stalemate sequence that leads to a STAREDOWN. Oh, they mean business now. Matt works on the arm and trades off with Jeff, but Mercury escapes and brings Nitro in instead. Jeff slingshots in with a dropkick on him that gets two, and it’s more double-teaming from the Hardyz. They add a double wheelbarrow suplex for Mercury to get rid of him, and work Nitro over in the corner. Nitro counters Jeff’s jawbreaker by kneeing him in the head, and Jeff gets double-teamed in the MNM corner. Mercury gets two, and Nitro gets a neckbreaker before missing a standing shooting star press, which brings Matt back in. Blind charge hits elbow, but Nitro goes up too soon and Matt brings him down with a Splash Mountain for two. Sadly, Matt’s anger issues with women surface again, as he chases Melina and gets clobbered, and he’s YOUR pretty boy in peril. Now there’s a sign that he needs more therapy.

Double gutbuster follows,and Nitro adds a running knee in the corner for two. They draw Jeff in for some ref distraction and a double-team faceplant gets two for Mercury. They try a double suplex, but Matt reverses to a double neckbreaker, but MNM cuts off the hot tag. They continue working Matt over, and hit their own Poetry in Motion on him. Twist of Fate by Mercury is blocked, however, and it’s the hot tag to Jeff. Flying forearm for Mercury and legdrop gets two. Front suplex on Nitro and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Mercury hits the floor and Matt follows with a pescado. Nitro follows with a nice tope con hilo, and Jeff finishes with a bodypress off the top. Back in, they hit Mercury with Poetry in Motion and the Twist of Fate, but Jeff misses the swanton and splats on the mat, so it’s apparently Extended Rock N Roll Express Formula.

Nitro springs in with a dropkick on Jeff that gets two. They send Jeff into the turnbuckle and Mercury goes to a surfboard, and then they send him into the corner again. Nitro with the breakdance legdrop for two, and he dumps Jeff for some abuse from Melina. Back in, double legdrops from MNM get two, as Mercury works the count. Always a wise move. A variation on Demolition Decapitation gets two for Nitro. Jeff tries a sunset flip, but Nitro makes the blind tag and Mercury saves. He goes to the chinlock and rolls up Jeff for two, but the kickout puts him on the floor. This would seem to be an ideal time to tag, but Mercury smartly scoots over and gets Matt involved in a brawl, while Nitro drags the groggy Jeff back to the heel corner again. These are guys who obviously watched a lot of NWA wrestling in their youth. Finally Jeff comes back with the Whisper in the Wind in the corner to take out both of MNM, and it’s hot tag to Matt.

Matt slugs the heels down and gets the corner clothesline / bulldog combo, into the Side Effect on Mercury, and another one for Nitro. That gets two. Yodeling legdrop gets two. They set up for a top rope powerbomb on Nitro, but Mercury helps Nitro counter into a rana instead, which gets two. Nitro goes up, as does Mercury, and soon it’s a double superplex spot that leaves Jeff and Nitro alone. Melina distracts the ref and Jeff is all “Ew, icky, girls,” and gets the rollup on Nitro for two. MNM comes back with the Snapshot on Jeff for two, but Matt saves. Matt gets tossed and they put Jeff on top for an apparently top rope Snapshot, but Matt brings them both down with a double Diamond Cutter, and Jeff hits them with a swanton to finish Nitro.

(The Hardy Boyz d. MNM, Jeff swanton bomb — pin Nitro, 22:36, ***1/2) Actually a bit longer than it needed to be, which kind of hurt the momentum a couple of times, but otherwise a tremendous slice of old-school tag teamery.

Matt Striker v. Ballz Mahoney

This is under Striker’s Rules, which is no eye-gouging, no hair-pulling, no moves off the top rope, and no foul language. Well, Bill Watts would like the first three, but would get disqualified ten seconds in for the last one. Striker pounds away to start, and Ballz manages to blow a leapfrog before taking Striker down with a cross armbreaker. Striker bails, and attacks on the way back in. Mahoney charges and hits the post, and Striker starts working on the arm, but starts working the wrong one before remembering that we work LEFT in North America. Of course, he pulls the hair, thus showing his hypocrisy. EXTREME hypocrisy, because it’s ECW. He keeps working the arm, thus completely taking Ballz out of the only type of match he can work, until Ballz slugs back. Sideslam gets two. He goes up and Striker brings him down, then takes him down with a rolling armbar that forces Mahoney into the ropes again. He makes the comeback and backdrops Striker, and a spinebuster gets the pin?

(Ballz Mahoney d. Matt Striker, spinebuster — pin, 7:24, 1/2*) Say what? That one was totally building to a Striker cheap win, and he does a clean job out of nowhere to a transition move?

Meanwhile, someone has attacked Sabu, and he’s OUT of the match. That’s a shame.

Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay v. Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke

What kind of a heel is named “Sylvester”,unless he’s chasing Tweety Birds? Sometimes a name change is appropriate. And speaking of which, what was the problem with “Nunzio” as a name? Does anyone care if he’s “Guido” or “Nunzio” in the long run except for the hardcore ECW nuts who won’t watch this crappy knockoff anyway? Burke takes Guido down to start, and Guido returns the favor and steals his hat. Mamaluke rolls up Burke for two and starts on the arm, but Terkay comes in and pounds him with knees in the corner. He misses a charge and Guido tries a bodypress, but Terkay catches him and casually dumps him to the floor. Back in, Guido gets worked over in the heel (?) corner and Terkay gives him a high kick, and Burke adds a high knee in the corner into an STO for two. Hot (?) tag to Mamaluke, who dropkicks Burke and takes Terkay down with a low dropkick. Double flapjack for Burke gets two. Burke comes back with The Stroke to finish Mamaluke. Wow, ripping off Jeff Jarrett, that’s EXTREME. Terkay goes one up on him, using a Muscle Buster to take out Guido afterwards. Tazz and Joey having to be all “Duh, duh, we don’t know who does these famous wrestling moves, duh duh” was really sad and insulting.

(Burke & Terkay d. The FBI, Burke forward legsweep — pin Mamaluke, 6:41, 1/4*) This was not only boring and filled with Terkay blowing simple spots, but didn’t even fulfill the basic idea of the match, which was to get Burke & Terkay over by squashing dramatically smaller opponents.

Daivari v. Tommy Dreamer

Daivari bails right away and hides behind Khali, then sneaks in and attacks Dreamer. Dreamer gets a hiptoss and Daivari runs away again. Back in, Daivari gets a dropkick and then follows with a baseball slide, but Dreamer whips him into the railing. Khali gets a cheapshot to turn the tide, and the ref sends him back to the dressing room. Oh man, referee’s instructions are EXTREME. Oh no, he might disqualify Daivari! Oh woe is me! Back in, Daivari goes to an EXTREME chinlock. Boy, is this show ever false advertising. Tommy fights out, but Daivari gets a sleeper, which Tommy valiantly fights out of and slugs away. Inverted DDT gets two. Dreamer charges and hits elbow, which allows Daivari to go up and miss a bodypress by a mile. Tommy hangs him in the Tree of Woe and dropkicks him. Wow, so extreme. Daivari gets an EXTREME rollup to finish out of nowhere. God, the finishes tonight are just awful.

(Daivari d. Tommy Dreamer, rollup — pin, 7:23, 1/2*) Stupid and pointless, and totally lacking in drama.

– Afterwards, Khali gives Dreamer a chokeslam on the ramp, which the announcers sell like he’s dead or something and give us a million replays of. Yeah, OK, no one cares, next.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman offers Bob Holly the last spot in the main event. You can actually hear the groans from the crowd.

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly v. Kevin Thorn & Ariel

Oh, here comes that sinking feeling again. Thorn pounds away on Knox to start as the crowd has no idea who to cheer for, and Knox comes back with a clothesline and also pounds away on Thorn. Thorn gets his own clothesline. OK, so now we’re even. Tazz and Joey are already giving up on the match and babbling about whatever comes to their mind as Knox slams Thorn for two. Big boot gets two. Well, he’s no Test. He goes to a neck vice and facelock as Tazz and Joey are so bored that they talk about how tough Tommy Dreamer is, as though anyone cares or will remember after this show. Thorn tags Ariel in, so Knox has to tag Kelly in. Fans are excited until they actually have to WRESTLE, at which point it becomes apparent that Kelly is the worst wrestler in recorded history. I mean, really, REALLY bad. Ariel chokes her in the corner and she can’t even pretend to be choked properly, and doesn’t know when to sell shots from Ariel. She fights over to tag Knox, but he walks away from the match. And ECW, as he was fired soon after this. Well, I guess she got the last laugh on that one. However, the true suffering is mine, as I have to watch Kelly work the rest of the match.

(Thorn & Ariel d. Knox & Kelly, Ariel slam — pin Kelly, 7:41, -**) Hey, our first negative star match of the night! I was waiting for that. Sandman attacks Thorn afterwards to set up another feud that went nowhere and no one cares about. I always love when they put time-wasting shitty matches on PPV to set up shitty matches that will get paid off on free TV.

– Well, we’re all out of midcard matches to fill time with and only 90 minutes into the show, so here’s Paul Heyman to waste more time.

ECW World title / EXTREME Elimination Chamber: Big Show v. Rob Van Dam v. Bob Holly v. Test v. Lashley v. CM Punk

So we start with RVD v. Holly, and Rob clotheslines him before walking into one of Holly’s. Rob slugs away, but gets whipped onto the STEEL walkway, where he does the Spider-Man spot by clinging onto the chains, before missing a dive at Holly and clotheslining himself on the ropes. Holly sends him into the chains and goes up, as though anyone would expect him to hit a splash onto the steel like that. And indeed, Rob gets his foot up in the spot I hate so much. Rob follows with a nice Rolling Thunder over the top and onto the steel, but Holly suplexes him back into the ring. That gets two. Holly gets the dropkick for two, but CM Punk is the next guy into the ring. He springboards in with a clothesline on RVD to wake up the crowd, but Rob hits him with the chair and monkey-flips him onto it. Punk ducks a spinkick and legdrops RVD onto the chair, albeit in an awkward spot. He puts the chair in the corner and sends Rob into it, but goes after Holly and gets sent into the chains outside. That gets two for Holly. Back in, sideslam gets two for Holly. Holly suplexes Punk on the top rope and turns his attention back to RVD, but then superplexes Punk, which allows RVD to sneak in and get two. And Holly gets two as well. Punk isn’t exactly getting much offense here.

Next into the trainwreck: Test and his crowbar. Punk takes more abuse as a result and Test works on Rob’s cut with it, but Rob keeps fighting. He superkicks Holly and gives Test an EXTREMEly protected chairshot, then dropkicks the chair at Punk, who is looking like the extreme jobber. Frog splash gets rid of Punk, and the crowd is PISSED. Test boots Holly for two, but Holly disappears so I guess that was a pin. Rob hits Test with a dropkick and goes up on top of Big Show’s pod, which allows Test to hit him with a chair and bring him down the hard way. Test also goes up onto the pod and drops an elbow to finish Rob at 13:58. And if you thought the crowd was pissed before, that’s nothing. Who booked this crap? I guess the idea is supposed to be Lashley fighting against all odds against Heyman’s goons, but C’MON.

Next up, it’s Lashley and his table, but Heyman’s hired goons prevent him from coming in. Fine by me. Lashley comes in via the top of the pod and goes after Test, and he’s a house of fire! He whips Test into the pods, but Test comes back with the choke in the corner. Lashley boots a chair back at him and throws his dizzying array of clotheslines, then grabs a crowbar. Uh oh, black guy with a crowbar. Spear finishes at 19:46, and we’re left with everyone standing around while we wait for Show’s pod to open. Why even wait for the rest of the minute? It’s not like it’s some big shock who’s coming out last.

And yes, Big Show is the last guy out, and he’s got a barbed wire baseball bat. Lashley blocks the BAT OF RAGE with a chair, but Show gets his bat caught in the chains and loses it. Lashley sends him through the pod’s “glass” and Show starts bleeding, but he tosses Lashley back into the ring to take over. Clothesline and AAAAAAAAAAAAHchokeslam, but Lashley reverses into the DDT. They slug it out and Show misses a charge, and Lashley spears him for the pin and the title.

(Lashley d. Punk/RVD/Holly/Test/Show, spear Show — pin, 24:47, *1/2) Show could barely even move out there, and Lashley was never really put in any peril, as all the work was done for him by the other guys. Even worse, the rest of the match was disorganized and poorly booked, with people that the crowd had no interest in seeing. This was supposed to be a big deal, but the crowd is so burned out that they barely even pop for it. And we’re done, 2 hours and 15 minutes into a $40 PPV.

The Pulse:

Are you kidding me? It was promoted as a two-match show (literally, because they only planned two matches in advance) and had they both delivered I might have given it a marginal, pity thumbs up, but they couldn’t even deliver on the main event, which they had a MONTH to plan out and which was filled with weapons! ECW used to put on some pretty crappy PPVs back when they were alive, and this show somehow managed to continue that tradition by being EVEN WORSE.

Thumbs way down, but download the Hardyz-MNM match if you get a chance.

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