MGF Presents The SMonday Swindle Sheet #148

Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.

This past week I saw a commercial for MLB 2K7 (or some MLB video game), and playing in the background was “Breed”, by Nirvana. I’m still not sure who decided that that would be good idea, but whomever that person is, they’re either a die-hard Nirvana fan who thought the irony would be delightful, or some dipshit who heard it on the radio and somehow figured it would be good for the commercial. Sure, the music is fast and intense (like the action in the game, I guess?), but if you know what the song’s about, or have become accustomed to hearing the song, it’s just weird. “Lust for Life” is a song about heroin, but even it would have been a better choice.

Also, Fingers was really pushing us to do some kind of feature to commemorate the 10th anniversary of The Notorious B.I.G. being murdered. While I personally don’t find it to be something worth doing anything more than mentioning in passing (just like Kurt Cobain’s 40th birthday—if he were still alive—a couple weeks ago), I see that most other media outlets are doing things, like MySpace, who has posted an interview with Biggie’s mom, or MTV, who listed a bunch of tracks that are on the new Greatest Hits compilation. It sucks and all that he got killed, and chances are the LAPD and/or Suge Knight did have something to do with it, but it seems like all of this is being blown up to sell the album, and of course, those sales will mostly benefit this asshole.


Suddenly, out of nowhere, while attending last month’s Grammy Awards, Timbaland comes to the realization that he is NOT smarter than a fifth-grader.


Blues Traveler singer John Popper was arrested outside of Spokane, Wash., on Tuesday after his Mercedes SUV was clocked at 111 mph, and although he wasn’t driving the truck, he and his friend Brian Gourgeois, who was driving the vehicle, were taken into custody after state troopers found a small amount of marijuana, some drug paraphernalia and several weapons inside. The two men were booked and released after the weapons—nine handguns, four rifles, a switchblade, night-vision goggles and a Taser—were found to be possessed legally, and were locked inside of a safe in the vehicle. The two will be charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia, while Gourgeois will be charged with reckless driving. Popper’s manager, George Couri, reiterated in a statement released on Thursday that all of the weapons had been registered, and that Popper is an avid gun collector and marksman who likes to visit gun ranges when he goes on long trips—he had been driving home from Austin, Texas, after having recorded an album there. But why does one need night-vision goggles and a Taser at a gun range? To make matters even shadier, police had also noticed that the vehicle was equipped with a siren, emergency lights and a public address system. According the State Police, Popper had “indicated to troopers that he had installed these items in his vehicle because (in the event of a natural disaster) he didn’t want to be left behind.” Yes, because we all know how prone Washington state is to natural disasters. It’s probably a good idea to have your vehicle done up like a squad car just in case Mount St. Helens erupts again. Even if you’re a expert typist like myself, it’s really difficult not to type “Pooper” instead of “Popper”.

Boston lead singer Brad Delp was found dead on Friday at his home in Atkinson, N.H., by local police who were responding to a call for help. While the cause of death was not immediately known by authorities, is was under investigation over the weekend and an incident report will be made public later today (Monday). While foul play was pretty much ruled out, a spokesperson for the Atkinson Police Department called the death “untimely.” Delp, who had last appeared with the band in Boston last November, was 55. The band has put up a short tribute statement and announcement of their tour cancellation at their official Web site.

Just weeks after canceling his band’s scheduled comeback tour, Eddie Van Halen dispelled rumors that the tour was cancelled on account of David Lee Roth being a douchebag and announced that he’d be entering rehab for undisclosed reasons. “At the moment I do not feel that I can give you my best,” the guitarist said, in a statement released on Thursday. “That’s why I have decided to enter a rehabilitation facility to work on myself, so that in the future I can deliver the 110 percent that I feel I owe you and want to give you.” … In other Van Halen-related news, drummer Alex Van Halen and bassist Wolfgang Van Halen will not be attending the Rock and Roll Hall Fame induction ceremony today in order to be with Eddie, and Roth is boycotting it because the Velvet Revolver will be performing Van Halen covers. Oddly enough, it seems as if the only representatives for the band that will be in attendance will be former bassist Michael Anthony and former singer Sammy Hagar.

I don’t know what’s harder to believe: that David Lee Roth wasn’t responsible for the Van Halen tour being called off, or that Eddie Van Halen (above) is only 52 years old.

The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Cocksucker is being sued by Gerard Rechnitzer after the rapper/producer/choad “intentionally, willfully, knowingly and unlawfully attacked, assaulted and battered” him outside of the Roosevelt Hotel in Los Angeles in the early morning hours of Feb. 25. According to Rechnitzer’s suit, which Sean Combs’ camp is calling “completely baseless,” Combs was talking to Rechnitzer’s girlfriend, when he approached, to which Combs responded by yelling, threatening and then assaulting him, sending him “flying back several feet” into a parked car (that sounds kind of cool, actually). He then reportedly pushed Rechnitzer’s girlfriend and spat on another woman in their group before demanding a Whopper “just the way I like it.” No court date has been set, although Combs’ attorney told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “It’s just another example of an opportunist seeking to fabricate a lawsuit based on a flat-out lie to try to take advantage of Mr. Combs’ celebrity status … Mr. Combs did not hit anyone and Mr. Rechnitzer suffered no injuries or damages whatsoever. There is no case. It is that simple. And even if my client did assault this guy, he can do whatever he wants, because he is a god among man. A GOD. You, in the blue shirt, get Mr. Combs a trophy, post haste!. For what? How about for ‘greatest thing to happen to music since the phonograph’? And you, get me three gallons of Perrier. Mr. Combs needs his nutsack washed. He was with Trina last night.”

Genesis announced last week that they would kick off their North American comeback tour on Sept. 7 in Toronto, finishing in Hollywood on Oct. 12. They will be touring Europe over the summer, and will perform a free concert in front of the Circus Maximus in Rome. While founding member Peter Gabriel will not be touring with the band, Phil Collins said that it was still very possible that he would be participating in future projects.

Grammy Award winner/American Idol castoff Jennifer Hudson won the Sammy Davis Jr. entertainer of the year award at Saturday’s Soul Train Music Awards. Jamie Foxx won best male album, for Unpredictable, while Mary J. Blige won best female album, for The Breakthrough. Other winners were Gnarls Barkley, John Legend, Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Webstar, Young B and The Voice of Harlem for their single, “Chicken Noodle Soup”, which was voted best soul or rap dance cut. If you think you heard a faint popping noise in the distance after reading that last sentence, it was probably just Mike Eagle’s head exploding. And yes, he was reading it at the same exact time as you were.

A story from last week that reported that Kanye West had paid $3,800 to have a Bangladeshi fish delicacy dinner shipped to New York ended up being a hoax. While I wouldn’t have put it past him, his friends told the Chicago Sun-Times, “Kanye’s way too cheap to even pick up a dinner tab at a regular restaurant in Chicago or New York. … He never pays for anything, except for a video that cost $1 million and had Pamela Anderson in it.”

Ciara recently denied rumors that she’s dating 50 Cent, although “he kind of does look like Bow Wow.”

Well, stone the crows, Wilco‘s new album, Sky Blue Sky, which is slated for a May release, has been leaked online. In other news, some guy stole a Newcastle Brown Ale coaster from a Chicago-area bar last month. That some guy might be me, but it also might not.

Squeeze lead singer Chris Difford told Billboard last month that his band receives offers to reunite “all the time … but it has to be emotionally, spiritually and financially the right thing, and when all those planets come into line, then we will be there. At the time being, I can’t see it on the horizon, but I’ve been wrong before.” However, in a statement on the band’s Web site this past week, they announced that they would be touring late this year, exclusively in the U.K., with 8 dates over about two weeks. Looks like somebody’s been drinking the Jay-Z Kool-Aid.

Hole singer/professional drug addict Courtney Love is being sued by Beau Monde, a Newport Beach, Calif.-based drug rehabilitation center that claims it is owed $181,286 for treatment that Love received there last year. According to the suit, she paid $10,000 upon her arrival, but failed to pay any more money after she had left. In an unrelated story, Macy Gray looks like The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

After presenting Muse with the Best British Band award at the NME Awards, New Order bassist Peter Hook told reporters that his new side project—called Freebase, and featuring The Smiths bassist Andy Rourke and Stone Roses/Primal Scream bassist Mani—will feature vocal and instrumental contributions by Liam Gallagher of Oasis, Tim Burgess of The Charlatans, Ian Brown of The Stone Roses and Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. While the group still hasn’t signed to a label, I’m more interested in how they’re going to operate a band with three bassists.

As Britney Spears grows her hair back, representatives for Kevin Federline have been trying to shop an “exclusive” story, photos and access to his 29th birthday party, which is slated for March 21 at a West Hollywood nightclub. The asking price is $25,000, but it seems as if none of the scandal rags are interested, as it doesn’t appear that any real celebrities will be attending the soirée—aside from Mathan Erhardt.

Belinda Carlisle, formerly of The Go-Go’s, is releasing a new album this year that is completely in French. She also told an Australian newspaper, “I don’t smoke anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I don’t do drugs anymore. I am very much into my Buddhism.” Madonna Jr., anyone? I still totally do Tiffany, though.

Jay Richardson, son of J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, recently had his father’s remains exhumed to determine whether he had indeed been killed by the impact in the now-famous 1959 plane crash that killed him, Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, or if he had died from a gunshot wound, as rumors had claimed. After Dr. Bill Bass, forensic anthropologist at the University of Tennessee, examined the remains in Beaumont, Texas, he concluded that a gun had not played a part in the Bopper’s death, saying that, “[t]here was no indication of foul play. … There are fractures from head to toe. Massive fractures. … [He] died immediately. He didn’t crawl away. He didn’t walk away from the plane.” Richardson said that it was good to finally have closure on the issue, and added that he was surprised that the body was still in recognizable shape 48 years after the fact: “Dad still amazes me 48 years after his death, that he was in remarkable shape.” For those of you wondering, here’s a photo of the exhumed corpse.